Married and Long Distance - how to maintain intimacy?

[jg_lrd]

Hello,

I am a little unsure on how to approach this. I am a UK citizen and my wife a US citizen. We got married a little over a month ago. We met in college and dated for many years before we finally got married. A good portion of our time dating was long distance. Due to our circumstances, we are having to live apart while my wife's visa is being reviewed.

The distance has put a strain on our relationship as we navigate devotionals, praying together, communication, time-zones, work, our day-to-day lives apart, loneliness, and sex (or lack thereof). It has been hard to stay connected to each other.

We are trying to call and message each other frequently and plan to write each other letters. I am aiming to travel to see her as soon as I can, for as long as I can. However, we are both struggling to feel emotionally and spiritually connected to each other.

We both remained virgins until we got married. It was a blessing to enter marriage and not have regrets on this front. However, now that we are apart again, we are both very frustrated that we cannot experience the fulness of marital intimacy.

We have discussed this problem but both of us feel confused. There must be many other Christians in our situation but I cannot find anything out there offering advice or guidance on how to approach this faithfully in a way that honours God and one's spouse. Given the lack of guidance out there, we are uncertain of what is permissible for us to do to maintain any form of sexual intimacy while apart. I do not want to make any mistakes when approaching this. But I do not have any clear guidance on what may be permissible for married couples in our situation.

Wisdom and guidance are very much welcome.

 

[WolfGate]

A couple of podcast episodes that might help. Dr. Corey Allen is both a strong Christian (former pastor) and a licensed marriage and family therapist. He has a very well known (over 10M downloads) podcast where he focused on married sex very openly and with a Christian worldview. Here are a couple of episodes I found that mentioned your situation in the title. (I haven't listened to them recently as they were released a few years ago.)

SMR#235: Long Distance Relationship Tips - Sexy Marriage Radio (smrnation.com)

SMR#102: Long Distance Relationships and Dealing With Baggage - Sexy Marriage Radio (smrnation.com)

 

[jg_lrd]

A couple of podcast episodes that might help. Dr. Corey Allen is both a strong Christian (former pastor) and a licensed marriage and family therapist. He has a very well known (over 10M downloads) podcast where he focused on married sex very openly and with a Christian worldview. Here are a couple of episodes I found that mentioned your situation in the title. (I haven't listened to them recently as they were released a few years ago.)

SMR#235: Long Distance Relationship Tips - Sexy Marriage Radio (smrnation.com)

SMR#102: Long Distance Relationships and Dealing With Baggage - Sexy Marriage Radio (smrnation.com)

Thank you very much for your suggestions. Also, love the profile pic regarding ending slavery. I have worked for years in anti-trafficking on the frontlines. I'm always encouraged to see others taking a stand.

 

[Brian Mcnamee]

Hello,

I am a little unsure on how to approach this. I am a UK citizen and my wife a US citizen. We got married a little over a month ago. We met in college and dated for many years before we finally got married. A good portion of our time dating was long distance. Due to our circumstances, we are having to live apart while my wife's visa is being reviewed.

The distance has put a strain on our relationship as we navigate devotionals, praying together, communication, time-zones, work, our day-to-day lives apart, loneliness, and sex (or lack thereof). It has been hard to stay connected to each other.

We are trying to call and message each other frequently and plan to write each other letters. I am aiming to travel to see her as soon as I can, for as long as I can. However, we are both struggling to feel emotionally and spiritually connected to each other.

We both remained virgins until we got married. It was a blessing to enter marriage and not have regrets on this front. However, now that we are apart again, we are both very frustrated that we cannot experience the fulness of marital intimacy.

We have discussed this problem but both of us feel confused. There must be many other Christians in our situation but I cannot find anything out there offering advice or guidance on how to approach this faithfully in a way that honours God and one's spouse. Given the lack of guidance out there, we are uncertain of what is permissible for us to do to maintain any form of sexual intimacy while apart. I do not want to make any mistakes when approaching this. But I do not have any clear guidance on what may be permissible for married couples in our situation.

Wisdom and guidance are very much welcome.

hi you are doing the best you can and since you are both Christians look at the glass as half full instead of focusing on the empty portions of your relationship. Love is expressed in many ways and tender words or longing affection are useful. A woman desires kindness and you can still court her even though she is already your wife. you are the head and have you sent her flowers to her work so the display of affection is public and then in your devotions be thankful and bring up Jacob having to labor 7 years for Rachael and in the end they seemed a few short days do to his love for her. If you put your heart to her like that you will keep that flame alive and be able to endure the time of separation and by no means stop praying that God would bring you together so you can cleave together as is the norm. God bless you and keep you remember love endures all things and suffers long and believes all things so put forth you highest Godly thoughts and they will keep you until you can be together again.

 

[WolfGate]

Thank you very much for your suggestions. Also, love the profile pic regarding ending slavery. I have worked for years in anti-trafficking on the frontlines. I'm always encouraged to see others taking a stand.

Thank you for your frontline anti-trafficking work!

A couple more thoughts. You're newly married, so it's natural to have concerns about what is permissible. There is a lot of freedom for married couples inside the obvious hard-set boundaries (Obviously nobody else allowed into the marriage, etc.). Regarding activities that are right for the two of you, allow the Holy Spirit to guide you there. For example, some Christian couples apart from each other find that mutual masturbation during a phone call or video chat is permissible for them; some find it is not. You'll find opinions both ways if you ask others, so seek His guidance for you.

There is also wisdom to consider. If you decide it is permissible and desirable for you to do anything with risqué or intimate photos, recognize that there are always some risks with information storage and security. Seek out ways to minimize those risks.

One other resource I thought of is the Intimately Us for Couples app - which was developed by a strong Christian. If your phone app store has it, it allows the two of you to sync your phones to just each other. It has a lot of quizzes and conversation starters and other things that can allow you to continue to build emotional intimacy and keep a level of erotic energy going while you wait until you are physically together again. Communication on that would be secure and just the two of you. There are also relationship and sex advice articles you could read and discuss together which are consistent with a Christian worldview. They might also help you in these early times of marriage.

Prayers for you both as your work to grow together in this time!