Long Distance Relationship: Who Should Move Where?

[chicagohc8]

My current boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years, but have known each other for over 5. We are seriously talking about getting engaged soon, but we have one problem. Distance.

We are both from Nebraska and started dating after I had moved to Chicago for college. After a year in Chicago, we both decided we were going to move to Dallas. He was looking for a new city to start in and I was in love with a school down there. After a semester in Dallas, I had to move back to Nebraska because of money issues (school was too expensive, couldn't find a job).

I was back in Nebraska without him for 8 months saving up to move back to Dallas. I finally did, and four months later had to move BACK to Nebraska due to lack of job opportunities again.

In a two year relationship we have only been physically together for 8 months. We love each other very much, but we are stuck in a rut.
He doesn't want to leave Dallas because he has a job and a band. I don't want to leave Nebraska because I have school (its cheaper for me with in-state tuition), my family, a job, and I have already moved to Dallas twice with no success.

I'm posting this to get some feedback from an outside source and some different viewpoints. I would love to hear everybody's opinions.

 

[mina]

How much longer do you have in school? Is finishing and then moving to be with him an option? My fiancee and I are long distance and I will be moving to be with him when we marry. He has the better job that is specific to his city while mine is a field that is avalible anywhere. Also things are changing in my job and the situation is not going to be a good one next year so I'm happy to go on to other opportunities.

 

[Luther073082]

I'm with Mina, it makes the most sense to finish school if you can and then move to be with him.

 

[chicagohc8]

Thanks for the advice. My trouble with making the move is that he won't even consider moving here for me. His job is very transferrable, in fact, he use to work at the business he does now but in Nebraska. The only thing holding him back is his band and I feel I have a lot more to lose (not just school, which I could do online if I needed to) than him.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

I can't blame him for not wanting to move back to Nebraska.

Thing is, is his band important to him and take up a good portion of his life? Work is work but when involved with something like that, it can be very difficult to let go of. Plus, he has probably established himself down there since he moved with new friends and such which could be another reason. As I'm sure you know, it can be hard to do that over and over.

Question is, what makes you have more to lose than he does?

 

[Mayzoo]

Marriage is largely about self sacrifices and compromise. This would be one of the first of hundreds of thousands of sacrifices and compromises that you two will have to face if you get married. If you both dig in your heels now or begin with reluctance and resentment, you are not off to a very satisfying or promising start to a marriage.

You both need to try to see this issue from the other persons perspective and go from there. Good luck.

 

[The Nihilist]

Get a new boyfriend. Long distance is crappy.

 

[GrumpGrump]

It sounds like neither of you thinks the other is worth moving for, and additionally, you're starting to resent it ("he won't even consider doing it for me, I have more to lose," etc etc). If you move there, you're going to do so with the refrain going in the back of your mind, "You wouldn't do this for me even though I had more to lose," and if he moves for you, he's going to constantly weigh if you were worth leaving his band, which is clearly an important component of his life. Resentment and grudges are not the best foundation for a relationship, especially not an engagement. I agree with The Nihilist-- time for a new boyfriend.

 

[PixieSunbelle]

It would make more sense for you to move to Dallas after school is finished. He has a band and a great job. It would be harder and unfair to ask all of his band mates to move. He's very established there and it makes little sense to move. If this is something you are unable to come to terms with then its probably time for a break up. Or you could find a job out of your major...

Asking him to break up his band is like asking him to choose between you and his friends. That's how bands are.

 

[iambren]

Your relationship is being tested; do you have what it takes??!!

Let's see--college online in Nebraska vs fulfilling a dream in Dallas. Looks pretty easy to me, Lonestar here I come.

 

[The Nihilist]

Your relationship is being tested; do you have what it takes??!!

Let's see--college online in Nebraska vs fulfilling a dream in Dallas. Looks pretty easy to me, Lonestar here I come.

Pfff, yeah, educations are for lesbians. Real women bake pies.

 

[pleoavce]

At the end of the day, love is about compromising,
Eventually: One of you is going to have to move.