Living with a partner before marriage, "shacking up"

[InnocenceCannon]

At least from the Christian community I come from, there is a giant taboo about doing this.

But I see no scripture in the Bible against this practice. I understand the sexual temptations that could come from it, but honestly, I see no giant risk in that area compared to anything else.

Is there some sort of a reason the general Christian community is against cohabitation?

 

[Newman1992]

You can live with anyone you want to, just stay away from sexual sin. If you're living with a cute girl that you love and are being dirty before marriage BECAUSE you're having to live with her, you need to get out and stop living with her. Simple as that. There is no rule who you can live with/etc, it's just if you are enduring sexual sin you need to stop.


But for me, I cannot judge who will do sexual sin or not, but living with a cute girl before marriage would indulge in huge sexual attraction IN MY OPINION, and people shouldn't do that or be tempted, wait until Marriage then do whatever you want

Don't let sexual sin take over your life or kill a relationship, because it can just like that.

 

[poetforjesus]

The Bible does state that those who commit "fornication" will not enter into the kingdom of God. When you live with someone, the temptation to sin by having sex before marriage comes a lot easier. Plus Satan can use co-habitation before marriage to desensitize you slowly to different sins such as sex.

Plus practically, the beauty of marriage is the "looking forward to" living with your spouse. It makes the marriage that much more special.

 

[InnocenceCannon]

I guess what I'm getting at is...

The Christian community highly stresses cohabitation as a huge mistake. I don't see how living together magically raises the chance that a christian couple will toss away all their morals and have sex before marriage. You can sleep in separate rooms if it's such a big deal.

It's almost taboo in our community for apparently no reason.

 

[Newman1992]

I guess what I'm getting at is...

The Christian community highly stresses cohabitation as a huge mistake. I don't see how living together magically raises the chance that a christian couple will toss away all their morals and have sex before marriage. You can sleep in separate rooms if it's such a big deal.

It's almost taboo in our community for apparently no reason.

Ugh.. because maybe the temptation of sexual sin is really high? Living with a cute girl that you're attractive too and are going to marry, there is no doubt in my mind that they are living together to be dirty.

My logic is the same as masturbation, the bible never says you cannot touch... the bible says no sexual SIN. So if you can touch without thinking of sexual sin, good for you. But it's very unlikely. Same goes for your issue at post #1, if they can live together w/o having sexual sin, go for it. But don't put yourself in a situation where you will tempted.

This is just advice, you can do whatever you want.

 

[Ark100]

The reason they stress the mistake or danger in co-habitation is because of the big temptation. It takes extreme restraint to hold yourself back when you have a desirable/attractive partner in the same house with you. Flesh will do what it will, and pull you strongly towards her.
They are not stressing to avoid it for no reason. Many have fallen into sins because of living together before marriage. If you can restrain yourself and resist temptation, its your choice.

 

[Life2Christ]

The reason they stress the mistake or danger in co-habitation is because of the big temptation. It takes extreme restraint to hold yourself back when you have a desirable/attractive partner in the same house with you. Flesh will do what it will, and pull you strongly towards her.
They are not stressing to avoid it for no reason. Many have fallen into sins because of living together before marriage. If you can restrain yourself and resist temptation, its your choice.

Agreed.

 

[TheDag]

One could argue the phrasing of leaving their fathers house and cleaving with another is an indication of not living together before marriage. I don't think God says that just to be a big meanie. It actually makes good sense. Depite best intentions often people spend more time cuddling rather than talking. When this happens before marriage then important issues tend not to be discussed and can cause marriage breakdown later on. A couple not living together before marriage is more likely to discuss all those important little things.

When I grew up whichever parent cooked would clean mess from cooking while the other would clear the table after and do the dishes. So when I got married I was surprised that my wife expected me to clean up cooking mess eg wrapping around meat, vegie scraps etc as to me that was her job because she cooked that meal. That is just one of many little things that aren't considered. Of course there are bigger issues as well such as discussing who will generally do what. Even today many men expect their partner who also works full time to do all the cleaning.

 

[Abbot David]

At least from the Christian community I come from, there is a giant taboo about doing this.

But I see no scripture in the Bible against this practice. I understand the sexual temptations that could come from it, but honestly, I see no giant risk in that area compared to anything else.

Is there some sort of a reason the general Christian community is against cohabitation?

There is nothing in Scripture about this and I believe that there is nothing wrong with two people who are attracted to each other (whatever the sexual preference is) living together. In our culture today, it is very practical and often necessary to live together to share cost's.

But... both believers should continue on in purity and sanctification and not giving occasion to sin. Both believers should be dressing modestly at all times, not giving to too much wine, not being intimate with each other etc.. etc..

Now.... if this is the case of a believer and non-believer then, this would be something that would take serious discernment and understanding, because the non-believeer would have to take their actions seriously in regards to the believer's spiritual position.

But..... again, it wouldn't be a sin to live together.

 

[citizenthom]

When I grew up whichever parent cooked would clean mess from cooking while the other would clear the table after and do the dishes. So when I got married I was surprised that my wife expected me to clean up cooking mess eg wrapping around meat, vegie scraps etc as to me that was her job because she cooked that meal. That is just one of many little things that aren't considered. Of course there are bigger issues as well such as discussing who will generally do what. Even today many men expect their partner who also works full time to do all the cleaning.

And trying to make all those newlywed adjustments without sex? That would be torture.

 

[Pal Handy]

At least from the Christian community I come from, there is a giant taboo about doing this.

But I see no scripture in the Bible against this practice. I understand the sexual temptations that could come from it, but honestly, I see no giant risk in that area compared to anything else.

Is there some sort of a reason the general Christian community is against cohabitation?

Matthew 6:13
And do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.
For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

Proverbs 4:14
Do not enter the path of the wicked, And do not walk in the way of evil.

Proverbs 4:27
Do not turn to the right or the left; Remove your foot from evil.

Matthew 5:16
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.

Matthew 5:13
[ Believers Are Salt and Light ] “You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor,
how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and
trampled underfoot by men.

Philippians 2
14 Do all things without complaining and disputing, 15 that you may become blameless and harmless,
children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation,
among whom you shine as lights in the world, 16 holding fast the word of life,
so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain.

for·ni·ca·tion
NOUN:
Sexual intercourse between partners who are not married to each other.

Matthew 15:19 JESUS SPEAKING:
For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries,
fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies.

Mark 7:21 JESUS SPEAKING:
For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts,
adulteries, fornications, murders,

2 Corinthians 12:21
lest, when I come again, my God will humble me among you,
and I shall mourn for many who have sinned before and have not repented of the
uncleanness, fornication, and lewdness which they have practiced.

Galatians 5:19
Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are:
adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness,

Ephesians 5:3
But fornication and all uncleanness or
covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints;

Colossians 3:5
Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication,
uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.

If you want to fall into sin and fornicate then
live with a woman who is not your wife as those who are lost and apart from the truth do.

The devil will tempt you and try every trick he can to cause you to fall and
enter into a sinful relationship.

 

[ChrisHolland619]

Because you're going to have sex with each other. It's human nature. Abstain from the APPEARANCE of evil. A man and a woman living together out of wedlock is the APPEARANCE of living in sin. Why damage your testimony? Know ye not that your body is the temple of God?

Put simply, to say you are immune to Satan's temptation and it's "not a big deal" is the most ignorant and self absorbed statement you could possibly make. You are not God. You are a weak, vile human. Satan wants to destroy you, and he is good at it. Do not take Satan's power away from him. To do so is ignorant.

The moment you say "Satan aint got nothin' on me!" is the moment he does.

There's a difference in living in the Spirit of Christ and flat out idiocy.

 

[hedrick]

[I'm going to leave this as is, though I just realized it may not actually answer the OP's question. It's possible that he meant "living together" as not involving sex. There is no prohibition of that in the NT. In fact some people think the 1 Cor 7:36 refers to a practice of couples living together without sex. However Christian wisdom is that the practice is dangerous enough that you shouldn't do it. Not everyone agrees, and there are situations where people feel safe in doing so. I wouldn't say it's absolutely forbidden. But if you believe that sex outside marriage is sin, you should only live together if you're really sure it won't create serious temptation for you. And you need to be realistic.

The question I actually answered is whether "living together" as it is normally meant in English, i.e. having sex is wrong.]

I agree with the OP. The New Testament doesn't actually give detailed lists of what you can and can't do. It is most consistent on adultery and divorce, both of which are violations of commitments.

But there are two other things to note:

1) The NT talks about "fornication". Jesus himself uses this only once, as far as I can see, Mk 7:21. But it's common in Acts, the letters and Rev. It can mean prostitution specifically. But according to the lexicons, by the 1st Cent, in Jewish contexts, it normally was used more broadly, of all illicit sexl. Thus it's commonly translated "sexual immorality." Jewish standards were that sex anywhere other than marriage is sin. So the term doesn't exactly *mean* all sex outside marriage. It means sexual sin. But the original readers would have taken that to include all sex outside marriage.

2) While Paul doesn't exactly say "all sex outside marriage is sin," I'd say he presumes it. 1 Cor 7:9 seems to presume that having sex means getting married.

Where you go from there depends upon how you use the Bible.

 

[Jupiter Drops]

I've seen too many people - even Christians- argue with this kind of logic:

"I'll just move in, but we won't have sex, and everything will be great because we'll be saving up money, see each other every day...."

And then the opposite happens.

At first, everything will seem great. You're together, and that's all that matters, right?

Does it honor God? Honor the man or the woman that you will marry? Or does it only make you happy?


We're not perfect, and we all can't live by our rules. God made marriage possible, so do that instead of moving in.

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

Hmmm.... Isaac took Rebekah into his tent. No mention of legal paperwork or other ceremony.

By the time of the NT, a betrothed couple was considered married and could not divorce. the ideal was the big fancy wedding feast after which he brought her home, but if the couple slipped up, they were considered married and he just brought her quietly into his home. Consenual Sex = marriage. So if you slip up? Go to the court house for a civil ceremony to fulfill the legal requirements that most countries have today, regardless if you feel you have the money to have a ceremony, etc.

I do not condone shacking up. However there are times when if the only other option is for one of the people to be homeless I would say it's the lesser of the two evils.

 

[BFine]

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you. (1 Thessalonians 4: 3-8)

Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.(1 Corinthians 6:18-20 )

 

[technofox]

At least from the Christian community I come from, there is a giant taboo about doing this.

But I see no scripture in the Bible against this practice. I understand the sexual temptations that could come from it, but honestly, I see no giant risk in that area compared to anything else.

Is there some sort of a reason the general Christian community is against cohabitation?

Let's put it this way, the two most common arguments against cohabitation are:
1. The appearance of evil taken out of context.

2. The tradition of waiting until one is married prior to living together.

The statistics in the USA are quite revealing:
- 51% of all marriages now end in divorce

- ~32% are of Christians, the rest (~19%) are made up of non-Christian marriages (I forgot where the stats come from, but it was a reputable source)

- About 60% of successful marriages, the couples had cohabited

- 20% made up of waiting until marriage and the remainder was of common law marriages (e.g. couples who lived together for more than 10 years, or whatever the state uses to determine as such; however, these people were never officially married).

- Of the divorces, those who waited until marriage to move in together had a higher divorce rate than those who did not. I think this was from the census or some other major reputable source and I have forgotten the actualy percentages, but it is something like a 60/40 split or something to that affect (e.g. 60% of divorces was made up of couples who waited until marriage versus that of 40% who cohabited).

As from personal experience, I would have avoided a terrible marriage and divorce had I cohabited long enough to see the problems that my ex-wife had. I listened to the typical advice stated here and from my pastor of waiting until marriage, and got seriously burned. My ex-wife's issues could not have been noticed without actually living with her long enough to see them. People can put up facades for so long, until you see their true selves when you actually live with them.

So my advice is to pray to God about it, because he knows better than us fools on this forum. Personally I am moving in with my girlfriend because I know that this is a better alternative than repeating the same mistake twice. We get to see each other in our nakedness metaphorically speaking and therefore can make better determination of whether we are truly compatible as a couple. That is my take, though I know some may diagree with me.

As for the premarital sex, again this is between you and God. Living with someone is different and there is temptation to have sex. I know this from personal experience. There are many resources and debates about premarital sex and whether it is a sin; however, I am not going to get into that debate right now.

Other than that I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Pal Handy]

- About 60% of successful marriages, the couples had cohabited

More than eight out of ten couples who live together will break
up either before the wedding or afterwards in divorce.

Couples who do marry after living together are 50% more likely to
divorce than those who did not.

Only 12 percent of couples who have begun their relationship with
cohabitation end up with a marriage lasting 10 years or more.

A Penn State study reports that even a month’s cohabitation decreases
the quality of the couple’s relationship.

Statistics on Living Together Before Marriage | Ray Fowler .org

Galatians 6:7-8 –
“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked.
A man reaps what he sows.
The one who sows to please his sinful nature,
from that nature will reap destruction;
the one who sows to please the Spirit,
from the Spirit will reap eternal life.”

Although the original word in the Greek means “to sneer or to scorn,”
the English word “mock” is instructive when it comes to living together.
“To mock” means “to imitate, to pretend in order to deceive.”
You can’t do that to God without consequences, and you can’t do that with marriage.
Living together is literally a mockery or imitation of marriage in that it does not
require a public commitment or lifetime vow of faithfulness.

 

[technofox]

More than eight out of ten couples who live together will break
up either before the wedding or afterwards in divorce.

Couples who do marry after living together are 50% more likely to
divorce than those who did not.

Only 12 percent of couples who have begun their relationship with
cohabitation end up with a marriage lasting 10 years or more.

A Penn State study reports that even a month's cohabitation decreases
the quality of the couple's relationship.

Statistics on Living Together Before Marriage | Ray Fowler .org

Galatians 6:7-8 -
"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked.
A man reaps what he sows.
The one who sows to please his sinful nature,
from that nature will reap destruction;
the one who sows to please the Spirit,
from the Spirit will reap eternal life."

Although the original word in the Greek means "to sneer or to scorn,"
the English word "mock" is instructive when it comes to living together.
"To mock" means "to imitate, to pretend in order to deceive."
You can't do that to God without consequences, and you can't do that with marriage.
Living together is literally a mockery or imitation of marriage in that it does not
require a public commitment or lifetime vow of faithfulness.

I have seen those statistics myself that you have posted; however, the stats that I have posted are more recent and from census and other sources. I have to review your source again to see if there is any bias, since it is oft quoted in churches whereas mine are cited from CNN, Fox News, and other sources.

As for your verses, I could post some too to support my claims as well, but I don't have time to do it right now.

 

[TheDag]

Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.(1 Corinthians 6:18-20 )

the part of this scripture to take note of is Flee from. This means stay well clear, get away from. Moving in together is not fleeing from sexual immorality but rather walking along the boundaries.