Kenny - Baptist - Age Gap Marriage

[Kenny B]

Like the title says, I'm a Christian in an age gap marriage. I'm 25. She's 57. We've been married for three years. I have a lot of conflicting issues going on in my head and it's been that way since we first started dating. My wife is an awesome woman and a good Christian. I love her, but our relationship has evolved from exciting (because of the taboo of the age-gap) to something that I can't put my finger on. At least it was exciting to me. She has always been more conservative and tries to put a normal spin on our relationship without acknowledging the age difference- unless she's trying to protect me with her experience. I find myself questioning the longevity of our marriage. We met when I was 21 and I've changed a bit since then. I wonder what I will be like fifteen years from now when I'm 40 and she's 72. If our marriage survives that long, she's going to need me more than I need her. Seriously, I don't know what the future will be like and it scares me to think about it. To be perfectly honest, our age difference was one of the first things that attracted me to her. I've always felt an attraction toward older women. At the same time, I have to question the Godliness of that attraction and whether it will last and if it's even right.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

I've been trying to get an older woman for years now, maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side. Then again wasn't trying to get one 32 years older than me thats a bit much for my taste. I mean 10 years ish is about max for me. Hmm but if it works for you I don't see the problem.

 

[Pilgrim]

Like the title says, I'm a Christian in an age gap marriage. I'm 25. She's 57. We've been married for three years. I have a lot of conflicting issues going on in my head and it's been that way since we first started dating. My wife is an awesome woman and a good Christian. I love her, but our relationship has evolved from exciting (because of the taboo of the age-gap) to something that I can't put my finger on. At least it was exciting to me. She has always been more conservative and tries to put a normal spin on our relationship without acknowledging the age difference- unless she's trying to protect me with her experience. I find myself questioning the longevity of our marriage. We met when I was 21 and I've changed a bit since then. I wonder what I will be like fifteen years from now when I'm 40 and she's 72. If our marriage survives that long, she's going to need me more than I need her. Seriously, I don't know what the future will be like and it scares me to think about it. To be perfectly honest, our age difference was one of the first things that attracted me to her. I've always felt an attraction toward older women. At the same time, I have to question the Godliness of that attraction and whether it will last and if it's even right.

Kenny B., welcome to Christian Forums.

You can reassure yourself and your wife that you both will be in heaven if you continue to abide in the Word, prayer, and promises of God.

John 14:1-3 — Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in Me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go and prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to Myself, that where I am you may be also.​

God bless you and your wife.

 

[Solomons Porch]

Hey Kenny welcome to CF

 

[faroukfarouk]

Hi; good to see you; God bless His Word to you and your wife.

 

[nonaeroterraqueous]

At the same time, I have to question the Godliness of that attraction and whether it will last and if it's even right.

That's a bundle of very different issues. I don't believe there's any Biblical foundation for accepting or rejecting a marriage with a large age difference. It's not immoral. Whether or not it will last could be a problematic issue. The trouble usually arises from the fact that the younger person usually sees the other as something of a parent or guardian, and the older person just likes having a younger spouse, for obvious reasons. In that case, it tends not to be a healthy relationship, inherently, but then when the older spouse becomes prohibitively old, unable to do things, etc. the younger individual begins to feel trapped by the marriage.

All of that sounds worrisome, but the fact is that the attitudes of you and only one other person are the only things necessary to keep it together. You made the commitment, knowing what you were getting into. Nothing is stopping you from keeping that commitment, as far as I know. It's all a question of how important it is to you to keep the oaths you took before God and humanity.

 

[frienden thalord]

Unless you want to remain celibate , stay in.
plus their were many years between my grandparents.........a whole heap.
he was way older. she took care of him , even when he was sick.
he did end up leaving her. But since he died , well it was not his fault.
years don't mean squat. You love your wife and be with her till the LORD takes one of you home
but the way this world is headed........their is not a heap of time left.

 

[drjean]

Choices are tough. What does she say about your concerns? Clearly the mismatch will cause more issues over time...

 

[AvgJoe]

Hi Kenny B & welcome to CF!

 

[Kenny B]

Unless you want to remain celibate , stay in. You love your wife and be with her till the LORD takes one of you home

No. I'm a Christian, but I'm still a human man, so no I don't want to become celibate. But the question of the afterlife does puzzle me. This is my wife's second marriage. Her first husband died more than ten years before we met. He was the drunk driver in a car crash. Their marriage sucked, but she stayed in it, because that was how she was brought up. The guy was an abusive jerk, so I'm sure it wasn't easy for her to stay. I'm younger and I'm a Christian, but I hear what she went through and it doesn't seem to me like God would have wanted a bad marriage to continue. But anyway, the thought I have is, when we do all die, who gets my wife in heaven? Me or her first husband? I suppose someone might ask why I think the guy would wind up in Heaven. But it's hard for me to think of God as being the punishing sort. As perplexing as my marriage is, I think I'd be quite jealous if I got to Heaven and saw that she was with her first husband.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

No. I'm a Christian, but I'm still a human man, so no I don't want to become celibate. But the question of the afterlife does puzzle me. This is my wife's second marriage. Her first husband died more than ten years before we met. He was the drunk driver in a car crash. Their marriage sucked, but she stayed in it, because that was how she was brought up. The guy was an abusive jerk, so I'm sure it wasn't easy for her to stay. I'm younger and I'm a Christian, but I hear what she went through and it doesn't seem to me like God would have wanted a bad marriage to continue. But anyway, the thought I have is, when we do all die, who gets my wife in heaven? Me or her first husband? I suppose someone might ask why I think the guy would wind up in Heaven. But it's hard for me to think of God as being the punishing sort. As perplexing as my marriage is, I think I'd be quite jealous if I got to Heaven and saw that she was with her first husband.

No one gets your wife, there is no marriage in heaven.

 

[frienden thalord]

No. I'm a Christian, but I'm still a human man, so no I don't want to become celibate. But the question of the afterlife does puzzle me. This is my wife's second marriage. Her first husband died more than ten years before we met. He was the drunk driver in a car crash. Their marriage sucked, but she stayed in it, because that was how she was brought up. The guy was an abusive jerk, so I'm sure it wasn't easy for her to stay. I'm younger and I'm a Christian, but I hear what she went through and it doesn't seem to me like God would have wanted a bad marriage to continue. But anyway, the thought I have is, when we do all die, who gets my wife in heaven? Me or her first husband? I suppose someone might ask why I think the guy would wind up in Heaven. But it's hard for me to think of God as being the punishing sort. As perplexing as my marriage is, I think I'd be quite jealous if I got to Heaven and saw that she was with her first husband.

Their is an answer to the question you seek.
and JESUS actually makes it very clear.
But whose wife shall she be in the resurrection seven had her to wife.
And JESUS answered and said unto them
DO ye not therefore err, because you know neither the scrips
nor the power of God
For WHEN they shall rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage.
but are as the angels which are in heaven.
neither will. We wont be married in the next life.
and as concering the matter that GOD would not have wanted her in a bad marriage.
look at Abigail......she was in one , stayed faithful to nabal
and then he died, and she was free to remarry , even King david
YOUR WIFE was right to stay. and look, he died and now she has You to love her.
AMEN>

 

[frienden thalord]

Their is a biblical answer to all lifes questions.
and oh how I love that beautiful bible......
man those words are like honey to the taste.

 

[Kenny B]

That's a bundle of very different issues. The trouble usually arises from the fact that the younger person usually sees the other as something of a parent or guardian, and the older person just likes having a younger spouse, for obvious reasons.

Yeah, well you pretty much hit the nail on the head with your parent or guardian statement, because that’s exactly how I feel. It wasn’t like that when we were dating, but it really took off after the wedding. I’m the one with the college degree, but she’s the one who seems to know everything, and she doesn’t have any difficulty telling me that she knows what’s best for me.

Our marriage took a major shift about three months after the wedding. We were visiting my parents at their house when my wife asked my mom for one of her cigarettes. That blew my mind, because until then, I had no idea that she had ever been a smoker. Both of my parents smoke and to tell you the truth, it was kind of nice when I went to college and moved out of the house. At the same time, back when I was in high school, my mom was very strict about not letting me even date girls that smoked, so seeing my wife smoking with my mom was kind of surreal.

My wife assured me that it would just be a one-time thing, but she smoked the whole time we were with my parents. The next day, when I got home from work, she was smoking in the kitchen and had two cartons of More Menthol 120s on the table. She apologized but there was no discussion about her quitting. Instead, she told me that she was an adult, it was her house, and that she was going to smoke. Right away, she was smoking two and a half packs a day- in every room of “her” house, including our bedroom.

I was surprised, but I wasn’t angry, because it’s not like I wasn’t used to living in a house where people smoke. But having parents that smoke is a whole lot different than having a wife who does, so I’m saying it’s really different. I think the thing that bothered me the most and I never got over this was how she acted when I asked if I could try it. That’s when the “parent/guardian” side of her personality really came out.

Anyway, it’s like you said, I made a commitment, and I’m going to do my best to keep it. I would just like to feel more equal.

 

[Kenny B]

I've been trying to get an older woman for years now, maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side. Then again wasn't trying to get one 32 years older than me thats a bit much for my taste. I mean 10 years ish is about max for me. Hmm but if it works for you I don't see the problem.

No. The grass isn't greener on the other side of an age gap. As a matter of fact, it's more gray, but no pun intended. I'm here asking for advice, but I feel this is something that I can advise you on. Be careful for what you wish or pray for, because you just might get it. I know where you're probably coming from, because I was there too. I always had a "thing" for older women, and I allowed that "thing" to influence my choice in choosing a spouse. The good thing was that I set some parameters and stuck with them. I met my wife online and I received a lot of emails from interested older women, but I only spoke to older women of the Christian faith. My wife is a wonderful human being and I can't say enough good things about her soul.

I guess I'm saying that if I had it to do over again, I might do things differently. I look at friends who are my age and my life is so much different than theirs. I'm not saying that's good or bad, but it's something I notice and think about. Either way, just try to be sure you're doing God's will rather than following the path that you personally think will make you happy.

 

[Kenny B]

View attachment 196153 Choices are tough. What does she say about your concerns? Clearly the mismatch will cause more issues over time...

She doesn't know I have concerns or that I'm questioning things, because I keep them to myself. I don't share with my friends or with my parents, because I don't want to shine any negative attention on the situation. I pray about it all the time, but I'm not hearing any answers through prayer. That's why I joined Christian Forums.

My wife loves me with all her heart and she takes great care of me. I know she'd be terribly hurt if she knew I was questioning our marriage. I just want these feelings and questions to pass and I want to quit looking backwards.

 

[drjean]

OKay!
Prayer is wonderful and works as we talk to God. (Imagine, we get to talk to G O D !!!)

But we hear God clearest when we read His Word, the Bible. He knows this and is why He gave us His Word in written form. Spend more time listening for God by reading the Bible and this will also help you in forming your prayers.

Breathe. This "situation" has been your life for a bit so it won't resolve overnight either.

Glad you came to CF...and trust you are receiving many inputs.