Is it a sin to be turned on by this thing?

[melody5697]

This is really embarrassing, but asking my pastor would be even more embarrassing (especially since I'm close friends with his oldest daughter). I've been fascinated by fat ever since I started reading Garfield when I was five or six. I've always fantasized about being fat. When I played pretend, I would often incorporate my desire to be fat. I also drew what I thought I would look like if I was fat. I liked to stuff pillows in my clothes to appear fat. I had a word feeling when I was doing it that I now know was sexual arousal. Yup. I was sexually aroused by something when I was six.
In third grade, I started going to public school and my poor friend had to put up with all the weird stuff I did while playing pretend. When we pretended to be puppies, I pretended to be a very obese puppy. I named myself after an obese dog from a book I read. When we played chocolate factory, I pretended that there was candy that makes you instantly fat. Eventually I realized that I was making her uncomfortable and I had a nightmare in which I got fat and it didn't go well, so I stopped doing this stuff. But I still would sometimes look at pictures of fat people on the internet, and I actually stumbled upon a few weight gain stories.
Over time, society's belief that being fat is bad became ingrained in my mind. Then in ninth grade, I discovered that there are actually people who LIKE being fat and getting fatter. Part of me wanted to enthusiastically join them, but another part of me was like, NO! THIS IS WRONG! To try to get rid of these thoughts, I ran to the opposite extreme and developed an eating disorder. (I intended for it to be anorexia, but it turned into non-purge bulimia instead.) I also had other problems that year that were unrelated. I was severely depressed. I was cutting myself almost every day and I attempted suicide several times. I also stopped being a Christian that year, which was probably influenced by the fact that I thought that being a Christian was just about believing the right things to go to heaven. (I'm a Christian now, though.) When I told my dad that that's what I grew up believing, he said he wasn't surprised, since the LCMS (I was Lutheran from age eight to age 14) is so messed up (no offense).
After ninth grade, I came to stay with my grandparents for the summer because my dad couldn't stay home to make sure I didn't kill myself. (My parents are divorced because my mom was ABUSING me and my little sister. She also hurt my dad a lot. Eventually she lost her visitation rights. Even if you think that divorce shouldn't be allowed, surely you can see that it was truly necessary in this situation. I told the school counselor about the abuse and she called the CPS. My sister and I probably would've been taken away if our dad hadn't been making our mom leave anyway.) Plus he was making things worse because he was so traumatized from living with my mom for 15 years. I ended up getting to stay with my grandparents permanently. After coming to live with them, I went back and forth between embracing my desire to be fat and being terrified of it. I often watched videos of fat girls playing with their bellies. I'm pretty sure that was wrong. Even though there aren't any private parts showing, it probably still counted as porn because it was intended to sexually arouse people and it worked. I was also gaining weight myself. I went from 115 pounds to 137 pounds before freaking out and feeling horrible about myself for doing this stuff. So for a while, I just looked at pictures of fat girls and watched belly play videos whenever I wanted to embrace it, but I decided not to actually get fat because it's hard enough to find the unique clothing I wear in NORMAL sizes. It's probably even harder to find them in plus sizes. I had another episode of starving myself to try to get rid of the desire to be fat, and I now weigh 113 pounds.
I've recently rediscovered getting sexually aroused by stuffing my clothes to appear fat, which I started doing again because it's the closest I can get without actually gaining the weight. Of course, it's much more realistic than what I did when I was little. I can feel the added size and it becomes more difficult to do some things. It's a huge turn-on. But here I am getting sexually aroused by something I do alone... Is this a sin? If you think it is, please tell me where the Bible says it's a sin. I sure hope I'm not breaking any rules by asking this. I don't know where else to go, since asking someone I actually know would be too embarrassing.

 

[Goatee]

See a doctor asap

 

[Dave-W]

There is nothing in scripture that specifically addresses your situation.
But it does not seem healthy by any stretch. I agree with Goatee - you should see a doctor. This going up and down with your weight is putting you on a track to a full blown eating disorder.

At your age it should be hunky young guys that "turn you on."

 

[Tree of Life]

This certainly does sound like some kind of abnormal neurosis. But all of us are abnormal in our own unique ways. So you should not be ashamed to acknowledge this issue and talk about it with some people who can help you. I think it would be a mistake to hide it and suppress it. It would also be a mistake to embrace it.

The healthiest thing to do would be to recognize that it's not normal, to remind yourself that sin affects every aspect of our lives, and to deal with it within the context of a loving relationship with God and with believing professionals who can give you wise counsel and prayer.

 

[GeorgeJ]

See a doctor asap

Most definitely. This is what you should do before even considering any other type of advice given by people you don't even know on the internet.....especially since this seems to prompt eating disorders. Let a medical professional guide you in what you need to do.

If you still live with your grandparents, talk to them.

 

[melody5697]

My weight isn't going up and down. I reached 137 pounds when I was 15. I went down to 125 later. I kind of unintentionally lost a few pounds after that. (I actually had to overeat A LOT to gain all that weight.) Then I gained weight after starting my job because there were always snacks and I could afford to get frappuccinos all the time. After that, I starved myself. I stopped doing that months ago because something that's going on with my dad snapped me out of it, but I've lost a few pounds because of depression affecting my appetite. Also, it looks like there's been a misunderstanding. I have no desire to be REALLY fat. I did when I was a kid, but now I don't. I don't think it's attractive. I'm talking about fairly low in the obese range. Low enough that I could still be healthier than a lot of skinny people. But the potential health issues are another reason I'm keeping this a fantasy instead of actually doing it.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Your words reflect that you're deeply wounded by the abuse and
trauma you suffered during childhood.
Abused children often create a safe place for themselves and try
to soothe themselves in fantasy play.
I recommend counseling asap.

 

[melody5697]

Your words reflect that you're deeply wounded by the abuse and
trauma you suffered during childhood.
Abused children often create a safe place for themselves and try
to soothe themselves in fantasy play.
I recommend counseling asap.

Pretty sure this is unrelated. Plenty of people who WEREN'T abused are into this stuff. This is something that actually sexually arouses me, and I was never sexually abused. And I'm not a child. I'm 20. And I've been to counseling. I've still got a lot of issues, but I'm much better than I was before. My old counselor did some things she shouldn't have done and totally messed up the relationship and I didn't feel comfortable talking to her about stuff anymore, so I haven't seen her in a long time. I'm currently looking for a new counselor.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

My weight isn't going up and down. I reached 137 pounds when I was 15. I went down to 125 later. I kind of unintentionally lost a few pounds after that. (I actually had to overeat A LOT to gain all that weight.) Then I gained weight after starting my job because there were always snacks and I could afford to get frappuccinos all the time. After that, I starved myself. I stopped doing that months ago because something that's going on with my dad snapped me out of it, but I've lost a few pounds because of depression affecting my appetite. Also, it looks like there's been a misunderstanding. I have no desire to be REALLY fat. I did when I was a kid, but now I don't. I don't think it's attractive. I'm talking about fairly low in the obese range. Low enough that I could still be healthier than a lot of skinny people. But the potential health issues are another reason I'm keeping this a fantasy instead of actually doing it.

I wouldn't say that it is a sin to be 'turned on' by the possibility of gaining weight, or even by a fantasy of being hefty, but I would say that it isn't a healthy prospect for your body overall. Of course, neither is the prospect of being way too thin or malnourished, among other things.

I suppose you already know from medical info what your ideal (healthy) weight should be. But if you don't, here's a chart that can give you some guidelines based on your height.

Ideal Height and Weight Chart

Peace,
2PhiloVoid

 

[GeorgeJ]

I'm currently looking for a new counselor.

That's good. Look for one that is properly credentialed by an accredited institution.

If you're considering strictly "christian" counseling, read this first: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/12/02/AR2005120202402.html

 

[2PhiloVoid]

This is really embarrassing, but asking my pastor would be even more embarrassing (especially since I'm close friends with his oldest daughter). I've been fascinated by fat ever since I started reading Garfield when I was five or six. I've always fantasized about being fat. When I played pretend, I would often incorporate my desire to be fat. I also drew what I thought I would look like if I was fat. I liked to stuff pillows in my clothes to appear fat. I had a word feeling when I was doing it that I now know was sexual arousal. Yup. I was sexually aroused by something when I was six.
In third grade, I started going to public school and my poor friend had to put up with all the weird stuff I did while playing pretend. When we pretended to be puppies, I pretended to be a very obese puppy. I named myself after an obese dog from a book I read. When we played chocolate factory, I pretended that there was candy that makes you instantly fat. Eventually I realized that I was making her uncomfortable and I had a nightmare in which I got fat and it didn't go well, so I stopped doing this stuff. But I still would sometimes look at pictures of fat people on the internet, and I actually stumbled upon a few weight gain stories.
Over time, society's belief that being fat is bad became ingrained in my mind. Then in ninth grade, I discovered that there are actually people who LIKE being fat and getting fatter. Part of me wanted to enthusiastically join them, but another part of me was like, NO! THIS IS WRONG! To try to get rid of these thoughts, I ran to the opposite extreme and developed an eating disorder. (I intended for it to be anorexia, but it turned into non-purge bulimia instead.) I also had other problems that year that were unrelated. I was severely depressed. I was cutting myself almost every day and I attempted suicide several times. I also stopped being a Christian that year, which was probably influenced by the fact that I thought that being a Christian was just about believing the right things to go to heaven. (I'm a Christian now, though.) When I told my dad that that's what I grew up believing, he said he wasn't surprised, since the LCMS (I was Lutheran from age eight to age 14) is so messed up (no offense).
After ninth grade, I came to stay with my grandparents for the summer because my dad couldn't stay home to make sure I didn't kill myself. (My parents are divorced because my mom was ABUSING me and my little sister. She also hurt my dad a lot. Eventually she lost her visitation rights. Even if you think that divorce shouldn't be allowed, surely you can see that it was truly necessary in this situation. I told the school counselor about the abuse and she called the CPS. My sister and I probably would've been taken away if our dad hadn't been making our mom leave anyway.) Plus he was making things worse because he was so traumatized from living with my mom for 15 years. I ended up getting to stay with my grandparents permanently. After coming to live with them, I went back and forth between embracing my desire to be fat and being terrified of it. I often watched videos of fat girls playing with their bellies. I'm pretty sure that was wrong. Even though there aren't any private parts showing, it probably still counted as porn because it was intended to sexually arouse people and it worked. I was also gaining weight myself. I went from 115 pounds to 137 pounds before freaking out and feeling horrible about myself for doing this stuff. So for a while, I just looked at pictures of fat girls and watched belly play videos whenever I wanted to embrace it, but I decided not to actually get fat because it's hard enough to find the unique clothing I wear in NORMAL sizes. It's probably even harder to find them in plus sizes. I had another episode of starving myself to try to get rid of the desire to be fat, and I now weigh 113 pounds.
I've recently rediscovered getting sexually aroused by stuffing my clothes to appear fat, which I started doing again because it's the closest I can get without actually gaining the weight. Of course, it's much more realistic than what I did when I was little. I can feel the added size and it becomes more difficult to do some things. It's a huge turn-on. But here I am getting sexually aroused by something I do alone... Is this a sin? If you think it is, please tell me where the Bible says it's a sin. I sure hope I'm not breaking any rules by asking this. I don't know where else to go, since asking someone I actually know would be too embarrassing.

I'm sorry to hear that you've had quite a lot to sort out in your life, Melody. Dealing with all of those kinds of things is tough, I know. But as to your conscious fascination with weight gain, it is something that a better, qualified counselor will probably need to discuss with you.

Although I know I mentioned in the previous post that I don't think your general arousal with weight gain is a sin per say, adding a visual element where you have pursued watching videos and the like probably isn't something that is beneficial to your spiritual growth or sexual perceptions. So, as some others have already said here, try to get some additional counseling.

Glad you came here to discuss this with us. Wrestling with these 'strange impulses' affects many of us in different ways, especially with the social problems we have to face.

Peace,
2PhiloVoid

 

[melody5697]

I'm sorry to hear that you've had quite a lot to sort out in your life, Melody. Dealing with all of those kinds of things is tough, I know. But as to your conscious fascination with weight gain, it is something that a better, qualified counselor will probably need to discuss with you.

Although I know I mentioned in the previous post that I don't think your general arousal with weight gain is a sin per say, adding a visual element where you have pursued watching videos and the like probably isn't something that is beneficial to your spiritual growth or sexual perceptions. So, as some others have already said here, try to get some additional counseling.

Glad you came here to discuss this with us. Wrestling with these 'strange impulses' affects many of us in different, especially with the social problems we have to face.

Peace,
2PhiloVoid

My old counselor knew that I wanted to be overweight and she said there was nothing wrong with it once she understood that I didn't want to be enormous.

 

[Far Side Of the Moon]

See a doctor asap

I second that. Its an unhealthy obsession.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

My old counselor knew that I wanted to be overweight and she said there was nothing wrong with it once she understood that I didn't want to be enormous.

To some extent, I'd agree with her that your wanting to be a little overweight isn't wrong or sinful specifically in and of itself.

But, as you pointed out earlier, risks for various other disorders or diseases increase with the more weight one gains. So, keep that in mind. The idea is to find a 'Golden Mean' in your weight where your weight is optimal and you don't feel you have to struggle to prove yourself to anyone with it, yet at the same time, you aren't doing yourself a further disservice by affecting your own health in other ways due to that extra weight.

Peace,
2PhiloVoid

 

[melody5697]

To some extent, I'd agree with her that your wanting to be a little overweight isn't wrong or sinful specifically in and of itself.

But, as you pointed out earlier, risks for various other disorders or diseases increase with the more weight one gains. So, keep that in mind. The idea is to find a 'Golden Mean' in your weight where your weight is optimal and you don't feel you have to struggle to prove yourself to anyone with it, yet at the same time, you aren't doing yourself a further disservice by affecting your own health in other ways due to some extra weight.

Peace,
2PhiloVoid

I said that I'm not actually doing it because there are health risks and it would probably be hard to find the unusual clothes I like in plus sizes. I'm padding my clothes instead so I can sort of satisfy the desire to be overweight without actually gaining weight, and it sexually arouses me.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

As christians we are to follow Jesus and walk out the Word of God in our lives
each day.
If we allow the flesh to rule over us, then we get off-track and we live to please
the flesh instead of pleasing God.
It's important for us to put on the full armor of God each day... Acts 17:11 Bible Study: The Full Armor of God

The Bible says to flee from temptation...if you sexually arousing yourself and you
ain't married then flee from what you be doing, cause the more you play around
with things of sexual nature it won't be long before you be having sex and God
say for sex to be going on with husband and wife in marriage.

 

[melody5697]

As christians we are to follow Jesus and walk out the Word of God in our lives
each day.
If we allow the flesh to rule over us, then we get off-track and we live to please
the flesh instead of pleasing God.
It's important for us to put on the full armor of God each day... Acts 17:11 Bible Study: The Full Armor of God

The Bible says to flee from temptation...if you sexually arousing yourself and you
ain't married then flee from what you be doing, cause the more you play around
with things of sexual nature it won't be long before you be having sex and God
say for sex to be going on with husband and wife in marriage.

I read that the Bible doesn't actually say whether or not masturbation is a sin. If masturbation IS a sin, then this definitely is. But the Bible doesn't actually address masturbation.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

I said that I'm not actually doing it because there are health risks and it would probably be hard to find the unusual clothes I like in plus sizes. I'm padding my clothes instead so I can sort of satisfy the desire to be overweight without actually gaining weight, and it sexually arouses me.

Ok. Yes, I remember you did mention that you've made the effort to avoid weight gain. I'm just talking about the 'Golden Mean' because you also mentioned you have a history of having resorted to purging, which as you already know, isn't healthy either. Anyway, it sounds like you've got a handle on controlling the weight either way now. So, that's a good thing.

...as to the sexual side of it, it's difficult to tell 'why' that kind of thing would arouse you, Melody. I guess a counselor will have to look into the possible meaning of that with you.

Just know that your sexual "symptoms" are probably coming out from some kind of subconscious reaction to all the things you've had to deal with in your life. So, it's likely not all simply due to some 'sinful inclinations.' It may be that your emotions are 'coping' in ways that are, shall we say, out of the ordinary.

Just something to think about.

Peace,
2PhiloVoid

 

[Albion]

...a huge turn-on. But here I am getting sexually aroused by something I do alone... Is this a sin? If you think it is, please tell me where the Bible says it's a sin. I sure hope I'm not breaking any rules by asking this. I don't know where else to go, since asking someone I actually know would be too embarrassing.

Theologians would say it is a sin, but I am not offering an opinion of my own.

The idea is that impure thoughts are sinful, just as acts can be (and Jesus did say that), so it is also considered to be a sin to place yourself into a position of being tempted to sin either by thought or deed (which, offhand, I don't remember Jesus commenting about).

 

[melody5697]

Ok. Yes, I remember you did mention that you've made the effort to avoid weight gain. I'm just talking about the 'Golden Mean' because you also mentioned you have a history of having resorted to purging, which as you already know, isn't healthy either. Anyway, it sounds like you've got a handle on controlling the weight either way now. So, that's a good thing.

...as to the sexual side of it, it's difficult to tell 'why' that kind of thing would arouse you, Melody. I guess a counselor will have to look into the possible meaning of that with you.

Just know that your sexual "symptoms" are probably coming out from some kind of subconscious reaction to all the things you've had to deal with in your life. So, it's likely not all simply due to some 'sinful inclinations.' It may be that your emotions are 'coping' in ways that are, shall we say, out of the ordinary.

Just something to think about.

Peace,
2PhiloVoid

I didn't say I've resorted to purging. I said NON-purge bulimia. Someone with non-purge bulimia starves themselves or exercises excessively after a binge. I starved myself after binges. I actually have purged before, but I couldn't throw up quietly enough (according to the pro-ana roommate I had when I was in the mental hospital for a suicide attempt), and I tried purging with laxatives once and it was horrible.