Intimacy, sex & christian dating

[polo27]

I have been seeing a guy from my church for about 6 months (and we are both christians) We started just hanging out, then we started to kiss. We are both quite touchy feely people. Anyway the kissing and touching got more full on and passionate which I cannot help but enjoy as we are both very much attracted to each other, even tho it might feel wrong.
We have not talked about how we both feel about the physical side of things and i find this very hard to talk about or even bring up.

We have started to go further, like inappropriate rubbing/touching, dry humping and also some oral sex. I don't think I have tried enough to stop myself and I am not exactly discouraging it, even starting it at time. so he probably thinks I am ok with this. Yes I enjoy it but I feel we shouldn't be doing it.
He contradicts himself, one time saying we need to stop messing about, the next time he acts like its ok to do this. So i don't quite understand this maybe it's coz he thinks im ok with it?!

I really feel like I need to talk about the situation and that I dont want to have sex, and doing these things is only too much temptation. I have always just thought it is ok to do these things along as you dont actually have sex which it why I am finding this difficult. I also feel if he dosent respect what I want then what respect does he have for me? and what sort if a christian is he?

anyone been in this situation, how do I talk to him about it? any one have any experience of guy like this? P's I dont think hes a virgin and I am.

 

[LinkH]

Can you play with fire and not get burnt?

Our culture is totally messed up when it comes to dating. Dating is a relatively phenomenon. Even in the US, 120 years ago, fathers in a lot of communities would not have allowed their daughter to go off alone with a teenage boy or young man to be alone and leave it up to their own self-control to keep them out of trouble. It wasn't common for their to be 'boyfriends' who met some of the social and emotional needs of a husband without any commitment. Suitors would visit the young woman at her home. The father would light a candle and let them talk. When the candle was gone, the suitor had to leave. If he liked her, he'd come calling and eventually he might propose. Then the girl and her family would decide. This was done in the safety of the home.

In the Bible, we see young men approaching fathers to marry their daughters.

In our culture today, we think it's perfectly normal for young people who are years away from marriage and might not even consider marriage with one another, go out together in a car by themselves in the dark (where they could park out in the woods somewhere), kiss, make out, and we expect them not to 'go all the way.'

Even if you don't have intercourse, you can still lose some of your innocence. Having oral sex is certainly a way to lose your innocence. Back in the day, that was something that would only happen way after intercourse. It's something you definitely shouldn't be doing with someone you are not married to.

I was listening to a Paul Washer video on Biblical Courtship-- or actually I think the one I saw was a three-part series on Biblical Manhood and the last one was on courtship. It's on YouTube. Have your boyfriend listen to it. I wouldn't say every single thing he advises is precisely Biblical per se. It's a cultural adaptation, but I think it makes more sense than what we are doing.

Stop going places alone with him. Don't be alone with him in a car or in his apartment or yours. Have other people around. Get your dad involved. Don't leave it up to your own good intentions to prevent falling into sexual sin. If he's someone you'd want to marry, he's probably the type of person you could be greatly tempted to fall into fornication with. If you are the type of women he'd want to marry-- physically-- your probably the type of person he could fall into fornication with. If either of you don't consider the other marriage material, you could easily fall into fornication with each other. So stop hanging out alone like that. Stop the kissing and making out. Talk in public places with other people around. Ask your dad to meet with the guy, for approval on the relationship, and to help set some guidelines. If he's not interested ask another elder relative or your pastor/elders for help.

 

[iambren]

"He contradicts himself, one time saying we need to stop messing about, the next time he acts like its ok to do this."

I almost laughed when I saw this; it sounds like something I would do. The reality is that he wants you, feels convicted, but you have gone so far already it's VERY difficult to turn off.

Women increase their drives by contact. Men increase when there's a buildup from no contact. That doesn't make him a bad guy, just a human guy. My guess is that unless one of you has superhuman strength you will continue at the level you have been (with some breaks when you feel guilty).

The only two solutions are to move away from each other or get married.

 

[Luther073082]

I really feel like I need to talk about the situation and that I dont want to have sex, and doing these things is only too much temptation. I have always just thought it is ok to do these things along as you dont actually have sex which it why I am finding this difficult. I also feel if he dosent respect what I want then what respect does he have for me? and what sort if a christian is he?

anyone been in this situation, how do I talk to him about it? any one have any experience of guy like this? P's I dont think hes a virgin and I am.

Can you clarify this last part for me. What things did you think where ok? Are you talking about like the kissing being ok or did you think the oral sex was ok?

 

[dayhiker]

I'll talk about the communication thing, because to me that is the most important.

I used to avoid uncomfortable talks, so I can relate to you not wanting to have this talk. But its at least as important to talk about things that are uncomfortable with your BF as it is to get what you two are going to do about the sex part.

I've found that I need to have a general outline figured out in my head ahead of time. Then I set a time during the next time I meet and start the conversation. Say something like I got to talk about xxxx. Almost always the conversation goes better than I expected. Almost always the other person is grateful that we talk about it. Sometimes something comes up that I'm not prepared to talk about. Then I say I need to think about this before I talk further give me a few days to think about this.

As with anything, after a few times having difficult discussions you will feel more comfortable with them. The above goes for other topics than just talking about sex.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

For one take the love language test. You both may be "Touch" which is what I am. Which also makes it harder to avoid sex. On a side note just rubbing/dry humping qualifies as lust which means you both already have sinned against each other. And oral sex... well its called "sex" for a reason. So you know you have messed up at this point.

I don't think I have tried enough to stop myself and I am not exactly discouraging it, even starting it at time. so he probably thinks I am ok with this. Yes I enjoy it but I feel we shouldn't be doing it.

I think alot of people are like this. You want to say no, but at the same time the desire takes over and you are curious and like what you feel so far. Its SO hard to break free from that because it pulls you in like a black hole.

The first woman I had a serious relationship with, I was split minded. Part of me didn't want to have sex, but the other half of me was curious and made excuses. Once she started doing her thing I just gave in so I was to blame to for not saying no. Especially the next 100 times or so we did it. >.<

I have always just thought it is ok to do these things along as you dont actually have sex which it why I am finding this difficult.

Well as stated in my first response its not ok because lust/sex are a sin. And by technical terms you have now had sex. Your female parts may have not been "used" but it doesn't mean you haven't had sex.

I also feel if he dosent respect what I want then what respect does he have for me? and what sort if a christian is he?

Well its takes two to tango as they say. Your both at fault right now. But if you truly feel you don't want to keep doing this then you do need to talk to him. If he can't accept it then you need to find someone who can because you are living in sin currently. Trust me from someone that messed up, you don't want to keep doing this because it will get worse and worse between the remorse you will feel each time.

Not to mention what if you have actual sex, as in parts going where they should not yet. If you get pregnant it would be obvious to everyone else and then the judgments will start from others. You don't want that. As for the respect even if he doesn't respect you, you need to respect your own self/body and say no more sex. If he wants to corrupt his temple then thats his choice, but he can do that with someone else who doesn't mind the corruption and sin.

I dont think hes a virgin and I am.

Be VERRRRRY careful about this in that case because its seems pretty common that guys love to be a virgins first. For reasons I care not to comment on because I don't want to throw up. If he loves you then he will stop and so should you. If this relationship is based on sexual desire alone then its not a relationship really. Just two horny people messing around.

In the Bible, we see young men approaching fathers to marry their daughters.

Exactly. Despite me messing up and having sex before marriage years ago I have always been a more old fashioned person. With my soon to be bride I asked her mother (dad is out of picture) for her hand in marriage. I even talked to her brothers and sisters because its just the way I am. Because she messed up with her ex-fiance just as I did. We learned our lessons and want to be a good christian couple who waits like we both originally intended on early in life.

Sadly in America we are brain washed into thinking sex is common and ok to do even before marriage. Its just "fun". You can barley watch a tv show, movie or game without seeing something related to sex. Did you know 41% of children this year will be born to unwed mothers? It shows you the corruption of this country is getting worse.

Stop going places alone with him.......

I agree. Given ANY chance alone mistakes will happen. When I go to marry my fiance we will have to wait like a week or two before getting permission from her embassy to marry. So in the mean time we will always have someone with us. We will sleep far apart (her at her home, me at a hotel with my mother). The only alone time is after the wedding, which obviously is ok at that point.

I almost laughed when I saw this; it sounds like something I would do. The reality is that he wants you, feels convicted, but you have gone so far already it's VERY difficult to turn off.

Wow you said it perfectly! Once you start its hard to stop. Even if you tell yourself "Well, just one more time!", it ends up never ending.

The only two solutions are to move away from each other or get married.

Find someone else (unless he agrees to stop), but still stay apart in terms of being alone. OR as stated get married. Because the bible says better to marry then to burn for living in sexual sin. Grant it sex should not be the only reason to marry if you want the marriage to last. Hopefully you two get together in other aspects of life.

 

[Johnnz]

"He contradicts himself, one time saying we need to stop messing about, the next time he acts like its ok to do this."

I almost laughed when I saw this; it sounds like something I would do. The reality is that he wants you, feels convicted, but you have gone so far already it's VERY difficult to turn off.

Women increase their drives by contact. Men increase when there's a buildup from no contact. That doesn't make him a bad guy, just a human guy. My guess is that unless one of you has superhuman strength you will continue at the level you have been (with some breaks when you feel guilty).

The only two solutions are to move away from each other or get married.

There is a lot of reality here.

There are two poles on this issue. One is be really chaste. Little physical contact, make sure others are around, etc. Many make and maintain that commitment until marriage.

The other end of the pole (apart from those who accept sex prior to marriage) is as long as it's not intercourse I can live with my conscience.

Where a couple sits on that spectrum can vary. There are many factors involved in a romance - age, degree of sexual drive, family background, time until marriage is possible and personal values.

Generally, once activated our sexuality is difficult to 'turn off' especially in a romantic situation. That's why a decision to stop is often countermanded shortly afterwards. He is sexually experienced, you have now got to the point where you are not altogether unwilling sometimes as well. Neither of you will find abstinence easy now.

No simple solutions from me here I'm afraid. But feel free to PM me is you want to discuss some possible options that you might find helpful.

John
NZ

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

To the OP: I wish I could tell you what to do. From past and current experience, I know exactly how you feel. My ex was more like your boyfriend than my current boyfriend. He fought with the temptation/guilt at times, and others he put it in the back of his mind just as I did- it is SO hard to say no/stop/let's do something else, or place boundaries back where they should be. If you're intent on maintaining your virginity though, I stress that you do WHATEVER you can to make that happen. I love my boyfriend J so much, but we did not wait for marriage. It is a grueling cycle, all the feelings involved, whatever "level" or "base" you're at- if it is making you feel convicted and truly beyond your comfort zone. You'll know when you're alone and can think deeply. Listen to your heart, what He's saying to you. I'll be praying for you, feel free to PM me too if you'd like!