In Times of Trial

[Mark Dohle]

In Times of Trial

In times of trial, we are vulnerable to temptations that promise
to resolve our problems. Like the Israelites in the desert, we
are tempted to return to Egypt. It seemed better for them to
be slaves than to persevere in the adverse conditions
of the desert. To go forward, the Israelites needed
to trust in God and remain united as a people,
no matter how difficult the way.

The Love Crucified Community. The Simple
Path to Union with God (p. 73). Kindle Edition.

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It is difficult for me when I find myself in a place I do not want to be on my inner journey towards God. Of course, the inner journey is my whole life, even if I do not know it. I can lose myself sometimes when the seas get rough. Everything I experience, see and do is weighed by my past. Sometimes the far past is what afflicts me the most and can show itself in ways that can control my actions if I lose my way.

I may never figure out the many struggles that I go through. I have learned that I do not have to unless my life gets out of control. When I feel out of control, I can hide it from others, but not myself. When I lose the will to pray, the inner chaos grows. I am asleep metaphorically when this happens.

Everything I try to alleviate this problem only makes it worse. For the root of the issue flows from my deepest self and no amount of seeking escape by going ‘outward’ helps. It just makes more of what I am going through.

At such times I pull back from deep prayer as if I am fighting against a wall that keeps me from trying. Over the years it has gotten a little better, but it is still an obstacle to my growing toward love of God, others, and most importantly, love of self. Over time prayer returns, along with focus, and I return to the path.

These are important times in my journey since it brings me to a point where I once again learn what is important, and what is an obstacle. Also, aging helps quite a bit, being an old veteran has its advantages.

Inner freedom for me is a slow process with many roads that I go on in order to learn this lesson over and over again. I am still a novice, after all these years.

It is by the grace of God that I can love myself enough to get back on the path. Consequently, there is healing each time I find myself in a place I would rather not be. It is mostly based on my relationship with myself and how I respond to the ups and downs of my inner world.

Trust is the key, no matter what my situation, trust is always a choice. Without that, I would be stuck with myself and my spinning wheels going in circles.-Br.MD