Ignored by people at church

[the-jam]

Recently I joined a church and have been learning more about the bible and how great it is and I also wanted to join to be part of a community too because to be honest I am 23 and havent had any proper friends apart from my family in my entire life and have kind of isolated myself.
So I joined this church and have been going there for the past 5 weeks now however even though it is a big church with around 400-500 people there people just dont want to welcome me (apart from intially 4 people at the start who seem a little dismissive now) by giving me the cold shoulder and because I just dont know anyone and people seem to gather in packs of groups afterwards and talk it makes it super hard for me to get to know anyone.

Today I went to the church BBQ something I was looking forward to all week because I guess this would have been my opputnity to talk to people rather than catching people at the end of the service but for 1 hour and a half I was just on own just standing around like a spare part.. nobody even seemed to want to smile at me, say hi or pretend I was even there.

I dont think I have offended anyone because I havent really said much to anyone.. and those who have spoken to me and try my best to be as friendly as possible. but my thoughts arent at blaming them there probably made their friends and who am I to expect anything from them I just feel totally bad about myself as it seems I cannot even make friends with fellow christians.

what do I do? this was meant to be a little bit of hope for me and a new start...

Thank you.

 

[amariselle]

Recently I joined a church and have been learning more about the bible and how great it is and I also wanted to join to be part of a community too because to be honest I am 23 and havent had any proper friends apart from my family in my entire life and have kind of isolated myself.
So I joined this church and have been going there for the past 5 weeks now however even though it is a big church with around 400-500 people there people just dont want to welcome me (apart from intially 4 people at the start who seem a little dismissive now) by giving me the cold shoulder and because I just dont know anyone and people seem to gather in packs of groups afterwards and talk it makes it super hard for me to get to know anyone.

Today I went to the church BBQ something I was looking forward to all week because I guess this would have been my opputnity to talk to people rather than catching people at the end of the service but for 1 hour and a half I was just on own just standing around like a spare part.. nobody even seemed to want to smile at me, say hi or pretend I was even there.

I dont think I have offended anyone because I havent really said much to anyone.. and those who have spoken to me and try my best to be as friendly as possible. but my thoughts arent at blaming them there probably made their friends and who am I to expect anything from them I just feel totally bad about myself as it seems I cannot even make friends with fellow christians.

what do I do? this was meant to be a little bit of hope for me and a new start...

Thank you.

Hi Jam,

I'm very sorry to hear this is happening.

I moved to the U.S. from Canada a year or so ago now, and I had to completely change churches, so I may understand what you're going through in some ways. (As far as not knowing anyone is concerned)

Unfortunately, even in a church, people are still people, and they are not always as welcoming or kind as they should or could be. (And I know I'm not always welcoming and kind as I should be either, I'm not trying to be judgmental, just saying that no one is perfect).

I'm so glad to hear that you truly want to get to know other Christians and become part of a church family. Are there other events or get togethers, perhaps a young adult group or a Bible study group, that you could join and participate in? Sometimes those offer great ways to get to know other people, outside of just attending church for Sunday service.

If, in the end, there simply is no way for you to get more involved or connect, or if that church truly isn't a welcoming place for you, you may need to consider looking at another church. Not all churches are the same.

Also, please remember to keep church doctrine in mind. What a particular church is teaching, even a very welcoming one, is of supreme importance.

God bless you.

~Amariselle

 

[EmmaCat]

Ohhhhh dear. I'll pray for you.

It could be they haven't had a new person there in a while and forgot how to act. Or maybe they think others are welcoming you. I'd be walking straight up to people and saying, "Hi, I'm new. Can you tell me a little about the church history (pick a neutral topic)?"

It's not easy for a new person, and honestly I'm not finding fault but that's a big enough church to have a small herd of welcomers to introduce you to people, tell you about some architecture, etc., and make sure you settle in with people and the pastor before turning you loose. We have about 200 people who circle newbies like vultures and even give you a Bible and The Book of Common Prayer if you don't have your own.

Give it some time, and try talking to some who look interesting. Old people are the best!

All good things
Emmy

 

[MWood]

In a church that size, the people there doesn't know all the other people, that is the reason for the huddling in groups. It is easier to get to know people and be excepted in a smaller church than one that big. In a church with 50-100 all the people know one another and when you show up they will see a new face in the crowd. They will come to see you and say welcome.

And by the way, welcome to these Christian forums.

 

[4x4toy]

Recently I joined a church and have been learning more about the bible and how great it is and I also wanted to join to be part of a community too because to be honest I am 23 and havent had any proper friends apart from my family in my entire life and have kind of isolated myself.
So I joined this church and have been going there for the past 5 weeks now however even though it is a big church with around 400-500 people there people just dont want to welcome me (apart from intially 4 people at the start who seem a little dismissive now) by giving me the cold shoulder and because I just dont know anyone and people seem to gather in packs of groups afterwards and talk it makes it super hard for me to get to know anyone.

Today I went to the church BBQ something I was looking forward to all week because I guess this would have been my opputnity to talk to people rather than catching people at the end of the service but for 1 hour and a half I was just on own just standing around like a spare part.. nobody even seemed to want to smile at me, say hi or pretend I was even there.

I dont think I have offended anyone because I havent really said much to anyone.. and those who have spoken to me and try my best to be as friendly as possible. but my thoughts arent at blaming them there probably made their friends and who am I to expect anything from them I just feel totally bad about myself as it seems I cannot even make friends with fellow christians.

what do I do? this was meant to be a little bit of hope for me and a new start...

Thank you.

Well , I've never fit in any church clique either for 40 yrs . There's always a few it seems that take up the preachers time and run things , but I'd mention to the preacher your feelings . Sometimes church folks can be stand-offish because they are a little fear full of new people . I would think Sunday School participation and input would be the best start to break the ice . You sound like they are lucky to have you .. Then you could always try other churches . I've never found a perfect church but I've been to some good ones and some like you describe . I even got to where I ministered to folks who seemed left behind at the back of the church who seemed neglected . Pray and seek God for now as you strengthen yourself in the Lord . You could be the very ministry you desire to see . Before you know it you'll be airborn in the Lord if you continue strong .. Peace ..

 

[Starcrystal]

Ohhhhh dear. I'll pray for you.

Give it some time, and try talking to some who look interesting. Old people are the best!

All good things
Emmy

I found that true in last church i went too early this month..except for one guy about my age (25 - 30 ) the rest were older..Wait, I am 54 but still think like I'm 25 - 30 and still think over 40 are 'older people'... ???
Anyways, all the rest were age 47 and up to 70, and guy who gave me ride home 100 miles about 60.

Also get to church early before the crowd, more likely someone will talk with you as the ones going early are usually the more serious ones who want to pray and get settled in rather than arriving at last minute.

I have some funny stories about welcoming parties in churches..In an Italian Pentecostal church they were usually 21 - 30 year old girls who gave you big hugs and even a kiss on cheek or both cheeks. The red lipstick had to go though!

In a black Charismatic church it was 30 and older women who gave you a huge hug but no kiss, and some of them could squeeze you half to death!

In some run of the mill what i would call "Sardis" churches someone may come by and shake your hand and say 'welcome to our church, hope you enjoy the service." and you were basically ignored unless you started a conversation with someone.

Other churches people just stared at me or me and my wife and said nothing, except maybe the pastor would after the service if we/I dared even stay!

In one church men would welcome men and women welcome women, and there was a separation between the genders. If you were a man you did not even talk to a woman and vica versa...jewelry of any kind (including wedding bands) was blasphemy!

 

[Goodbook]

Sound like a big church try a smaller church or join a home group.
I know I didnt fit in with the bigger churches. Just too many people. Pray and ask the Lord to show you. When I first started going to church I asked one of the elders to recommend a group for me. Im still, going to that one five years on. Its a ladies bible study.

 

[YCGP]

I don't have much experience with this... My only experience is going to mass and then leaving right after. Everyone at the church seems to be a lot older anyway.

Looking forward to going to the Greek Orthodox church when I get back to my home town. Hopefully there are some younger people there.

Yes, as EmmaCat said, try a neutral topic nest time.

Are you in a large enough city to change churches?

PS:

Where can people go to meet younger Christians, like those in their late twenties to early thirties?

 

[jimmyjimmy]

Take the initiative. Introduce yourself to everyone.

 

[Peace Keeper]

Recently I joined a church and have been learning more about the bible and how great it is and I also wanted to join to be part of a community too because to be honest I am 23 and havent had any proper friends apart from my family in my entire life and have kind of isolated myself.
So I joined this church and have been going there for the past 5 weeks now however even though it is a big church with around 400-500 people there people just dont want to welcome me (apart from intially 4 people at the start who seem a little dismissive now) by giving me the cold shoulder and because I just dont know anyone and people seem to gather in packs of groups afterwards and talk it makes it super hard for me to get to know anyone.

Today I went to the church BBQ something I was looking forward to all week because I guess this would have been my opputnity to talk to people rather than catching people at the end of the service but for 1 hour and a half I was just on own just standing around like a spare part.. nobody even seemed to want to smile at me, say hi or pretend I was even there.

I dont think I have offended anyone because I havent really said much to anyone.. and those who have spoken to me and try my best to be as friendly as possible. but my thoughts arent at blaming them there probably made their friends and who am I to expect anything from them I just feel totally bad about myself as it seems I cannot even make friends with fellow christians.

what do I do? this was meant to be a little bit of hope for me and a new start...

Thank you.

I can relate, it can be very discouraging feeling like not many will talk to you, or feeling like you don't have friends. I am 23 as well and haven't had many friends besides family and those on Facebook, thankfully we have found a wonderful Bible Study group after we moved and it feels like home (though there is no one my age, but it still fills my heart with joy), because we can truly talk and get to know each other and also learn about the Bible, I would pray for God to lead you to the right people, whether it is a home Bible study like what I have found or maybe a smaller church, just make sure they are teaching truth. My dad when he first moved here had experienced the same thing with larger churches, I think people just have an easier time with talking and spending time with people they know, so maybe that is the problem I don't know. Just don't feel it is because of you or anything, maybe God is wanting you to search and find a different place for a reason, maybe to help someone or something, I don't know. I hope you do find the right friends though, that truly can encourage you and help you grow in your faith, it is very helpful, I am hoping and praying for the same thing.

 

[lifesprophet]

Recently I joined a church and have been learning more about the bible and how great it is and I also wanted to join to be part of a community too because to be honest I am 23 and havent had any proper friends apart from my family in my entire life and have kind of isolated myself.
So I joined this church and have been going there for the past 5 weeks now however even though it is a big church with around 400-500 people there people just dont want to welcome me (apart from intially 4 people at the start who seem a little dismissive now) by giving me the cold shoulder and because I just dont know anyone and people seem to gather in packs of groups afterwards and talk it makes it super hard for me to get to know anyone.

Today I went to the church BBQ something I was looking forward to all week because I guess this would have been my opputnity to talk to people rather than catching people at the end of the service but for 1 hour and a half I was just on own just standing around like a spare part.. nobody even seemed to want to smile at me, say hi or pretend I was even there.

I dont think I have offended anyone because I havent really said much to anyone.. and those who have spoken to me and try my best to be as friendly as possible. but my thoughts arent at blaming them there probably made their friends and who am I to expect anything from them I just feel totally bad about myself as it seems I cannot even make friends with fellow christians.

what do I do? this was meant to be a little bit of hope for me and a new start...

Thank you.

Well I think you're great, to be open like that. Use that as a reference to the kind of people you'd like to be with.

In fact I'd like to be with you and your dynamic brain.

Mmm brains.

 

[the-jam]

Thanks everyone for your really great replies! I woke up today still feeling down about it all but your replies have really helped me a lot!

This is the first church I have ever actually been to so I really didnt know what to expect... the actual bible messages have been really amazing and beyond my expetations.

I will try my best to introduce myself to some people next time I go.. just find it really awkward and dont want to intrude on thier lives because I am the one entering their church and into their domain. but at the same time I really dont want to give up on the people there... but I have actually done some research on the internet and have found people talking about this church saying that its extremely cliquee if you are a newbie :/

And I agree what armariselle says about church doctrine I agree with quite a lot of what they are saying but they seem to beleive there that you can buy yourself a miracle and it gets a little awkward when I am unemployed and dont earn very much at all (but I still want to give and do a good deed) that I cannot give that much money... If I earned a lot of money I would give a lot of money to help people and not in return for a miracle.

The church is in sheffield which has a population of 551,800 people would a city that size have lots of different churches (Iv just moved to sheffield so I dont know the area very well at all)?
Thanks again! this does mean a lot to me

 

[jimmyjimmy]

just find it really awkward and dont want to intrude on thier lives because I am the one entering their church and into their domain.

In a church of 500, no one knows that you are a new person there. Act toward them as if they are the new people. "Hi, I'm the jam, what's your name?" Do that 10 times next Sunday, and your "problem" will be solved.

 

[Peace Keeper]

Thanks everyone for your really great replies! I woke up today still feeling down about it all but your replies have really helped me a lot!

This is the first church I have ever actually been to so I really didnt know what to expect... the actual bible messages have been really amazing and beyond my expetations.

I will try my best to introduce myself to some people next time I go.. just find it really awkward and dont want to intrude on thier lives because I am the one entering their church and into their domain. but at the same time I really dont want to give up on the people there... but I have actually done some research on the internet and have found people talking about this church saying that its extremely cliquee if you are a newbie :/

And I agree what armariselle says about church doctrine I agree with quite a lot of what they are saying but they seem to beleive there that you can buy yourself a miracle and it gets a little awkward when I am unemployed and dont earn very much at all (but I still want to give and do a good deed) that I cannot give that much money... If I earned a lot of money I would give a lot of money to help people and not in return for a miracle.

The church is in sheffield which has a population of 551,800 people would a city that size have lots of different churches (Iv just moved to sheffield so I dont know the area very well at all)?
Thanks again! this does mean a lot to me

I would be very careful, they seem to be pushing for money, you must find if they are actually using it for good or for their own benefit, i really don't know how to find that out. Yes it is a beautiful thing to give and give with all our hearts no matter how much or how little, but make sure it is for the right reasons and you are not getting force into something, we cannot buy miracles so I do not believe in that teaching, so one must be careful in what else they teach, it might have some truth with some lies sprinkled in, I can't say for sure because I am not there, but you do have to be careful, there are churches out there. Remember to test everything with scripture and question and search everything to make sure they are teaching nothing but the truth. Anyway, I am not trying to be mean or anything, just want the best for you and for you not to be sucked into something that isn't good. Will be praying for God to give you discernment.

 

[hopesprings]

I would be very careful, they seem to be pushing for money, you must find if they are actually using it for good or for their own benefit, i really don't know how to find that out. Yes it is a beautiful thing to give and give with all our hearts no matter how much or how little, but make sure it is for the right reasons and you are not getting force into something, we cannot buy miracles so I do not believe in that teaching, so one must be careful in what else they teach, it might have some truth with some lies sprinkled in, I can't say for sure because I am not there, but you do have to be careful, there are churches out there. Remember to test everything with scripture and question and search everything to make sure they are teaching nothing but the truth. Anyway, I am not trying to be mean or anything, just want the best for you and for you not to be sucked into something that isn't good. Will be praying for God to give you discernment.

The "buying miracles" thing bothers me too. God cannot be bought...He decides what He is going to do, when He is going to do it, and how it will be accomplished. He wants us to come to Him with requests but not as "buyers".

 

[Peace Keeper]

The "buying miracles" thing bothers me too. God cannot be bought...He decides what He is going to do, when He is going to do it, and how it will be accomplished. He wants us to come to Him with requests but not as "buyers".

Yes it concerns me very much, and I wonder what else they are saying to cause people to go astray especially new believers. God wants us to be faithful to Him and be lead by His Holy Spirit, we must depend on Him for this and not others, but it is important to find other true believers that will help us as we grow in our faith and trust in God, we must always grow and mature.

 

[JoeP222w]

Recently I joined a church and have been learning more about the bible and how great it is and I also wanted to join to be part of a community too because to be honest I am 23 and havent had any proper friends apart from my family in my entire life and have kind of isolated myself.
So I joined this church and have been going there for the past 5 weeks now however even though it is a big church with around 400-500 people there people just dont want to welcome me (apart from intially 4 people at the start who seem a little dismissive now) by giving me the cold shoulder and because I just dont know anyone and people seem to gather in packs of groups afterwards and talk it makes it super hard for me to get to know anyone.

Today I went to the church BBQ something I was looking forward to all week because I guess this would have been my opputnity to talk to people rather than catching people at the end of the service but for 1 hour and a half I was just on own just standing around like a spare part.. nobody even seemed to want to smile at me, say hi or pretend I was even there.

I dont think I have offended anyone because I havent really said much to anyone.. and those who have spoken to me and try my best to be as friendly as possible. but my thoughts arent at blaming them there probably made their friends and who am I to expect anything from them I just feel totally bad about myself as it seems I cannot even make friends with fellow christians.

what do I do? this was meant to be a little bit of hope for me and a new start...

Thank you.

I don't know the whole situation, but from what you wrote, they are not demonstrating "loving the brethren".

I would recommend you make an appointment to talk with the Pastor about the situation. If he shows no compassion and is dismissive of you, you need to find another church as soon as possible.

Any "church" that display no warmth in welcoming new members or strangers is not a church following after Christ.

 

[Waterwerx]

I've found that numerous churches are more about the socializing and less about the Word of God and that to them(the church), bigger is better(i.e. more money). My first test for a church is by asking the question, "Do they cover all aspects of the Bible?". If not, they fail and I would move on to a different church. It would be a huge waste of time to find common ground with some of the members only to find its a huge social club with a few Bible verses thrown in.



**Please note, when I say all aspects of the Bible, I refer to both OT & NT concepts as opposed to giving lectures on Biblical Hebrew or Koine Greek. What I consider must haves are:
1. Jesus Christ is the one and only way to heaven.
2. The Holy Trinity: Father, Son, Holy Spirit.
3. Jesus Christ will have a literal 1,000 year reign on earth.
4. Israel & the Church are distinct from each other(i.e. no displacement or "replacement" theology, British Israelism, etc.).
5. Prophecy is everything. The whole Blessed Hope is based on prophecy.
6. Study groups/fellowships where ideas/issues can be shared.

 

[Paloma_91]

Does this church have small groups? This will be a much easier way for people get to know you if you aren't very outgoing/ have trouble putting yourself out there. Small groups are structured to build close bonds, so I would check into joining one of those.

If you find that you are still being ignored because you are not part of the core of the church, I'd find another church. Community is a very important part of the Christian faith, and a church that doesn't welcome new folks is not a church that I would want to be associated with.