I still can't get over the guilt that I cheated on my ex 2 years ago.

[HundredDays]

I know this is my first post, and I obviously rather not have it as my first post, but I needed spiritual advice.

I was in a relationship with my ex for 3 years. We had a decent one with ups and downs. However, we had a lot more fighting during 2021 and 2022.

I was helping a client with his website and we remained profession for a few weeks. I met him in at one of the rallies at the time. One day, we watched something together, and I cringed at one point, which I covered my face on his shoulder. It went downhill from there, because he wrapped his arms around me and we ended up kissing. I told him we shouldn't be doing this because I have a boyfriend (at the time), and he understands, but he said it is fun to have an affair. I was scared, but I ended up going with it.

I ended up being more scared to open up to my ex at the time and I wanted to break up with him, but I couldn't because I wanted to celebrate his birthday while still being together with him. However, two days after his birthday, I decided to break things off with my ex because I didn't want to be in two relationships and that I am cheating behind his back. However, I handled this poorly, and he and I argued, and he "blocked" me supposedly for a year. I assumed this would be the end for us, and I am still with the client, who is now my boyfriend.

During 2022, my ex and I were still talking things out, and he didn't know I cheated at the time. We both agreed not to talk to each other again, because that would mean he wants me to come back to him.

It is now 2023, I thought we both moved on, but the guilt came back to me and I decided to confess that I cheated behind his back 2 years ago and apologized to him. He told me why I didn't do it earlier, and I said I was afraid (not that it is an excuse for what I did). We still talked regarding the situation for a while after this.

Initially, he forgave me for what I did, and told me that is what's best about being human. Unfortunately, after he had a talk with his counselor, he told me not to care about me anymore. He got angry at me after I apologized and wishes that I suffer by losing my job, family, friends, and even start my own family and hope that I go to hell, as well as being happy for being in pain. Not saying what he said is unjustified. In fact, I deserve the consequences that will be coming for me. I did the most damage to him. I let him shoot the bullets at me because he deserved better. I broke down and his parents saw me for who I am, and I feel like that is the last straw between me and my ex. I handled everything poorly and I feel ashamed for what I did to him.

There's a chance he will expose me to the whole world, and I obviously can't change that. I know people will change their minds about me, and it is my fault that we got into this mess. Even though I deserve the consequences for my actions, I can't help but feel like my life is over from here. All because I chose not to be supportive to my ex and cheated on him. I wish I did things differently because I chose to be unfaithful and selfish and chose to hurt my ex.

I spoke with my youth pastor hours after the incident. He didn't justify my actions but told me it is not the end of the world. He told me that I have to learn how to talk to a waffle (there's this analogy where men have a mind like a waffle and women have a mind like spaghetti). Basically, be blunt, but he also told me to apologize to God because my ex probably will get the idea that this is what Christians might act, and it is my fault that I gave him that idea. My youth pastor recognizes my guilt and did his best to understand what is going on. He shared some verses in the bible like one in John 8 (I know people said that this is not originally in the gospel of John, but I still want to learn from it) and another in 1 Corinthians 6:9-11. and we both prayed, for me and my ex to heal, and my current boyfriend that he will come to Christ. He then told me the best thing I could do is move on, and that I should not respond to him unless he asks a question. He also told me to tell my parents about what happened, but I am scared to tell them (they are out of the country at the moment).

I later went with my youth pastor at a church for his speech and two ladies prayed for me even though I didn't told them the whole incident.

I try to pray to the Lord for forgiveness and apologize to him every night as well as to pray for my ex's healing because I couldn't forgive myself for what I did. I should be the one to suffer more than my ex, and I want my ex to be happy and healed. I also keep praying for repentance, because I want to be with God. I don't want to go to hell even though I am a sinner.

I also tried to look up in the internet for some help as well such as Quora, Youtube, Reddit, etc, but I feel demotivated because many people say that "once a cheat, always a cheater". I know what I did was wrong, but I don't want to live that way and I want to be loyal to my current one. I don't want to be a cheater anymore because it's clear that cheating is a sin, and I want to repent from that. However, people also said that if you want to repent, you have to leave your affair partner. I am torn, because I want my boyfriend to come to Christ.

Even though I try to pray to God for forgiveness, and pray for my ex's healing, I still feel lost, because I can't change the fact that I cheated on him. I ruined his life because of me.

Sorry if this post is lengthy and if I am repeating myself. I try to share as much details as possible to make sure I am not missing anything, as well as trying to make sure I don't make excuses for my actions). However, if you like to press further on certain things, then I would gladly try to explain. It's just, I don't know what to do as a Christian from here. I want to do things right, but this action I did took a toll on me and the people I have affected, and I don't know if I should keep going.

(Just to note, my ex and my current boyfriend are both Catholic, but they aren't practicing at the moment. They also happen to be older than me. Not that it matters.)

Please pray for my ex.

 

[Richard T]

Sorry to be blunt but your God is too small. He forgives from the East to the West. I John 1:9, He is faithful and just. Faithful as he will give forgiveness for sure and just, because he has satisfied all claims of sin against you. So basically you are condemning yourself. There is no real reason to be doing that.

Next, I looked at this study to see if the once a cheater always a cheater really applies. Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? Serial Infidelity Across Subsequent Relationships It is an interesting hypothesis but is it true? Yes, but the difference in the study showed that those who first cheated also cheated on subsequent partners was 45% (55% did not) versus 18% of first cheaters. It really does not matter though your sins are under the blood. It does not make a serial cheater.

It is interesting that you jumped from one boyfriend to the next. This is worrisome if it is a pattern with things like codependency or a lack of commitment. I doubt it is your case but I guess possible.

It is the spiritual that is the most important thing. If i read right your ex is an unbeliever. If nothing else he emotionally abused you in anger. If you hurt it could be you have to forgive him. Yes, that is right. You did not ruin his life. You were unmarried and though you were far from perfect, he owns his own reactions. I'm not sure what you tried to accomplish with talking to him after two years but no one deserves "to shoot bullets" at you. The whole affair is an example of why God wants us to wait, and have more self respect for ourselves.

Another issue is you seem worried about what others will think more than true repentance. That he might broadcast your sin. Yes, as you say that is a consequence but are you really repentant, or just troubled because things might come to light? The good news is back to point one. If you have a change of heart about pre-marital sex and truly wish to try God's path, you can easily recover from this. He will bring healing and forgiveness and you can begin to see yourself as you should, See God better and in general have a far happier life knowing that you are at a minimum striving to do the right thing and becoming successful.

America is mostly immoral. Few can throw stones, (certainly not I) but multitudes do not make it right. I pray that you do not harden your heart and continue in future sin but learn to walk in the spirit, so that you can find a husband that is a true spiritual leader, where you both can devote yourselves to each other. Otherwise, you will find yourself in just more messes. Likely you are far better than many Americans already but can you raise your expectations to God's standards? You can if you will grab hold of God and his word, surround yourself with God-minded people and continue on. Yes, absolutely you can do it. Jesus did not condemn the woman at the well. Nor the adulteress woman. He showed them a new path. I pray you get that path, that vision, that zeal, that ability to overcome. That the love and mercy of God will encompass you always and sustain you through this difficult time.

Congrats for being a new member. I am certain others will respond. I hope you find some help, especially too in your own church, perhaps even a woman that can mentor you through some of these pitfalls of life.

 

[timothyu]

, but he said it is fun to have an affair.

Fine, you have focused on yourself and learned a hard lesson. You seem to be neglecting this point in the quote above in that there is no reason his attitude should change. Where does that leave you if he moves on to others? Where will that leave them and theirs as this rolls on in a domino effect. Take some of the guilt off yourself. It took two to make this happen but only one as an instigator.

 

[HundredDays]

Hey guys. Thank you for your responses. I do appreciate them a lot!

@Richard T, I really like your response. Admittedly when I first read it, I was a bit upset, but reading your post again made me understand where you are coming from. I should forgive him as well like you said. Looking back at my post, I guess I was too hard on myself despite what I did, but I hope I can continue to follow God's path and be able to live for him. He is our Creator after all.

@timothyu, I also like your response as well. You did brought up some points, and I will have to think some of them through.

Hopefully, I can get in contact with my youth pastor this week, as he told me to text him if I need to talk to him. Also have been praying regarding this situation, praising God, admitting my sins, being thankful, and praying for healing. Hopefully I can talk to someone in my church who is preferably a woman who can help as well.

I know that this response was fairly short, but I promise I read all of your guys post. I'll continue to do my best to overcome this. <3