I feel guilty for a promise I made her. Pretty sure most have been here...

DaveHTexas · Feb 7, 2023

As couples do, especially after funerals of close family members, we would talk about what would happen should one pass before the other, we were thinking 20+ years down the road but it is what it is...

Anyway, my wife insisted that I promise her that I would find someone new, that I would go on in life and be happy.

I can go on in life sure, and I have the Joy of the Lord in me sure, maybe not happy per se as the situation is still kind of fresh-ish...

But while I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to find someone new.

It has left me in a catch 22. I feel like moving on to someone new is dishonoring the marriage that God really did gift us with, but if I don't I am dishonoring the promise she made me make to her...

I hate this.

By_the_Book · Feb 7, 2023

DaveHTexas said:
As couples do, especially after funerals of close family members, we would talk about what would happen should one pass before the other, we were thinking 20+ years down the road but it is what it is...

Anyway, my wife insisted that I promise her that I would find someone new, that I would go on in life and be happy.

I can go on in life sure, and I have the Joy of the Lord in me sure, maybe not happy per se as the situation is still kind of fresh-ish...

But while I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to find someone new.

It has left me in a catch 22. I feel like moving on to someone new is dishonoring the marriage that God really did gift us with, but if I don't I am dishonoring the promise she made me make to her...

I hate this.

Something my husband said to me just a short while before he passed away was 'Your life has been so hard, this is made it hard, when it's over I want you to go on and be happy really enjoy your life.'

Now that's not quite the same as your situation where he was asking me to find someone else but he was asking me to find happiness. I've been trying a very diligently to do that in honor of him while at the same time working through my grief. I feel like I'm finding a balance. I believe trying to do that has shortened my grief period, but not hindered my grief.

I believe that when and if the time comes for you to entertain that idea, you will do so. I certainly wouldn't advise pushing yourself out of guilt or some type of obligation to a promise that you made. That might cause a problem with someone that you would become involved with because your motive would be askew.

For myself I did notice something a couple of weeks ago.... I saw a gentleman and I thought to myself how attractive and handsome he was and that was something that was not common for me in the 37 years I was married. That was a natural process that was taking place inside of me and I'm not trying to hinder that or expedite it I'm just letting it develop as it needs to. I hope the thoughts and feelings I'm trying to convey about that will resonate with you.

DaveHTexas · Feb 7, 2023

By_the_Book said:
Something my husband said to me just a short while before he passed away was 'Your life has been so hard, this is made it hard, when it's over I want you to go on and be happy really enjoy your life.'

Now that's not quite the same as your situation where he was asking me to find someone else but he was asking me to find happiness. I've been trying a very diligently to do that in honor of him while at the same time working through my grief. I feel like I'm finding a balance. I believe trying to do that has shortened my grief period, but not hindered my grief.

I believe that when and if the time comes for you to entertain that idea, you will do so. I certainly wouldn't advise pushing yourself out of guilt or some type of obligation to a promise that you made. That might cause a problem with someone that you would become involved with because your motive would be askew.

For myself I did notice something a couple of weeks ago.... I saw a gentleman and I thought to myself how attractive and handsome he was and that was something that was not common for me in the 37 years I was married. That was a natural process that was taking place inside of me and I'm not trying to hinder that or expedite it I'm just letting it develop as it needs to. I hope the thoughts and feelings I'm trying to convey about that will resonate with you.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be alone. But I don't want to just, well not sure how to explain this. I am not interested in anyone per se. There is one woman I know that I enjoy spending time with and enjoy her friendship, and I would like to develop the friendship more, but on a purely platonic level. I am concerned that pursuing a friendship with her she may misconstrue my intentions.

disciple Clint · Feb 8, 2023

DaveHTexas said:
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be alone. But I don't want to just, well not sure how to explain this. I am not interested in anyone per se. There is one woman I know that I enjoy spending time with and enjoy her friendship, and I would like to develop the friendship more, but on a purely platonic level. I am concerned that pursuing a friendship with her she may misconstrue my intentions.

I think you are jumping to the end of the chapter of your book of life, let life develop, in time you will develop a relationship and that may over time become so close that you will remarry but for now just live life. It is difficult and filled with questions but your wife was telling you in love that she wants you to be happy, she is not going to be upset or feel cheated upon, she may even send someone your way that will turn out to be the perfect woman for you.

Blade · Feb 8, 2023

DaveHTexas said:
As couples do, especially after funerals of close family members, we would talk about what would happen should one pass before the other, we were thinking 20+ years down the road but it is what it is...

Anyway, my wife insisted that I promise her that I would find someone new, that I would go on in life and be happy.

I can go on in life sure, and I have the Joy of the Lord in me sure, maybe not happy per se as the situation is still kind of fresh-ish...

But while I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to find someone new.

It has left me in a catch 22. I feel like moving on to someone new is dishonoring the marriage that God really did gift us with, but if I don't I am dishonoring the promise she made me make to her...

I hate this.

Not something I can totally relate to yet I can. So many of these feelings, emotions are not part of heaven. In heaven there is no marriage or given in marriage. So how you feel she is not feeling the same Now me.. it was always Him the lord then something happened and very glad it did yet one can't give Him 100%. So God for bid if that day happened. I will be just me and Him. There was this grand parents that had a bible study...oh wow some many wonders happened. Love it. Well her husband had died and on day on the phone she says "Danny the lord told me today when I was in the kitchen I will be your husband". That always has touched my heart.

eleos1954 · Feb 8, 2023

DaveHTexas said:
As couples do, especially after funerals of close family members, we would talk about what would happen should one pass before the other, we were thinking 20+ years down the road but it is what it is...

Anyway, my wife insisted that I promise her that I would find someone new, that I would go on in life and be happy.

I can go on in life sure, and I have the Joy of the Lord in me sure, maybe not happy per se as the situation is still kind of fresh-ish...

But while I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to find someone new.

It has left me in a catch 22. I feel like moving on to someone new is dishonoring the marriage that God really did gift us with, but if I don't I am dishonoring the promise she made me make to her...

I hate this.

Nothing wrong at all with what you are doing ..... maybe it will happen .... maybe not .... but if you're not ready now .... that's ok.

Be at peace about it. It's not a requirement to be married.

Techo · Apr 12, 2023

It takes time to adjust to being single again.

After my first wife divorced me I was not marriageable for years. Even after I met another lady, with whom I had a lot in common, it still took some time before the baggage (pain, hopes etc) from my previous marriage were dealt with. It was almost 8 years after my first marriage failed that I married that woman and we had 22 wonderful years before the Lord took her (last year).

It will be... probably has to be... some time now... if ever... before I (or maybe we) should consider another relationship. For now all we should do is to be friends with the opposite sex. Platonic relationships are fine and there should be no urgency to have them go any further but... you never know... somewhere down the track... things may change. Personally, I cannot see that I'll find someone crazy enough to want to marry me (it was amazing that the last lady was) but if I become best friends with any of the women I meet perhaps...

If you have ministry or eldership that you relate with then talk with them regularly. They can be a mirror to reflect how things are developing within your life and, as such, may be able to indicate to you when you are ready to move into other stages of your life (such as starting a new relationship).

DaveHTexas · Apr 16, 2023

Techo said:
It takes time to adjust to being single again.

After my first wife divorced me I was not marriageable for years. Even after I met another lady, with whom I had a lot in common, it still took some time before the baggage (pain, hopes etc) from my previous marriage were dealt with. It was almost 8 years after my first marriage failed that I married that woman and we had 22 wonderful years before the Lord took her (last year).

It will be... probably has to be... some time now... if ever... before I (or maybe we) should consider another relationship. For now all we should do is to be friends with the opposite sex. Platonic relationships are fine and there should be no urgency to have them go any further but... you never know... somewhere down the track... things may change. Personally, I cannot see that I'll find someone crazy enough to want to marry me (it was amazing that the last lady was) but if I become best friends with any of the women I meet perhaps...

If you have ministry or eldership that you relate with then talk with them regularly. They can be a mirror to reflect how things are developing within your life and, as such, may be able to indicate to you when you are ready to move into other stages of your life (such as starting a new relationship).

My first marriage was dead and I had grieved it out long before papers were filed. But I get what you are saying. Right now, I am not sure I will be physically able to fulfill the promise I made to her. I am being tested like crazy right now but it looks like I may have cancer and if it is as bad as I think I may be joining her soon anyway... No matter the outcome and the process, I will continue to praise God. I just wish this would have popped up after my parents were both gone. Dad is gone already, but I don't want my mom to have to deal with burying one of her kids...

TheLastGeek · Jul 7, 2023

DaveHTexas said:
As couples do, especially after funerals of close family members, we would talk about what would happen should one pass before the other, we were thinking 20+ years down the road but it is what it is...

Anyway, my wife insisted that I promise her that I would find someone new, that I would go on in life and be happy.

I can go on in life sure, and I have the Joy of the Lord in me sure, maybe not happy per se as the situation is still kind of fresh-ish...

But while I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to find someone new.

It has left me in a catch 22. I feel like moving on to someone new is dishonoring the marriage that God really did gift us with, but if I don't I am dishonoring the promise she made me make to her...

I hate this.

I imagine the underlying motive was that she wants you to be HAPPY. And not to resign yourself to solitude out of a sense of duty or fidelity to her, when you might have a desire for a partner again.

If you're happiest alone, then wouldn't that be what she really wanted for you? She wouldn't want you to torment yourself with pressure over looking for another wife, if it's not in your heart.

Techo · Jul 7, 2023

So... deal with what you have to at the moment.

I doubt if the promise to your wife means you have to get married again immediately and... you really should not. We need time to grieve. The most eligible single lady at my Church lost her husband something like a decade ago and she still has some emotional attachments to her late husband so I'm not sure she is ready, yet, to consider any other relationships. (At least six months too soon for me, anyway, if she is considering me as the most eligible bloke in the Church).

If, in a couple of years... longer even... you may feel more like you have given yourself enough time and respect for the marriage commitment you have made to your wife to then consider respecting the promise you made to her about finding another spouse. There are no rules about this. God has finished 'perfecting' your wife (and mine) for the place that He has for her in His kingdom and so she is now taking her place with Him there. He has not, quite, finished with us yet so we will need to walk out His ways in our life for a bit longer yet. If that means we will need a someone else to stand along side us in this work then God is going to 'gift' us with another lady... just as He has done previously.

Not a lot of point worrying about it. Just be open and prepared for what God has in store for you... whether it be a graduation into a new, seriously upgraded body (and joining your wife in glory) or being single again for an indefinite period or even... meeting someone... er... interesting?

mourningdove~ · Jul 9, 2023

DaveHTexas said:
Right now, I am not sure I will be physically able to fulfill the promise I made to her. I am being tested like crazy right now but it looks like I may have cancer and if it is as bad as I think I may be joining her soon anyway...

DaveHTexas · Jun 19, 2024

I haven't been here in a good while, but y'all deserve an update, and it is a good one. God is good, and God is full of overflowing grace.

First off, the medical issue is under control, not cancer, not life threatening if treated, but definately cronic. Thank you God. I am living a reasonably normal life now.

Secondly in the aftermath of her loss, I joined a grief support group, made some friends, have provided support and been supported by some great folks.

And if you are good with foreshadowing, one of those friends, a widow that is a few years my junior, has been a particularly good friend, someone to share my thoughts, struggles, and joys with, someone that has been by my side and prayed her heart out with me, and for me. Well this friend is now my girlfriend. We are committed to honoring our late spouses, and our Lord and Savior with our relationship. so we are moving slowly, carefully, and prayerfully. I know for a fact my late wife would have wanted me to be happy, but I felt that allowing myself to get close to another woman would be me being unfaithful to her. But I also know, I have fulfilled my vows to her, and God.

For anyone that wants to, pray that we keep our hearts, eyes, and ears open for Gods guidance. And that if this is not Gods will, that he show up with clarity.

Thank you for your prayers, and input. It has been a blessing.

mourningdove~ · Jun 24, 2024

DaveHTexas said:
I haven't been here in a good while, but y'all deserve an update, and it is a good one. God is good, and God is full of overflowing grace.

First off, the medical issue is under control, not cancer, not life threatening if treated, but definately cronic. Thank you God. I am living a reasonably normal life now.

Secondly in the aftermath of her loss, I joined a grief support group, made some friends, have provided support and been supported by some great folks.

And if you are good with foreshadowing, one of those friends, a widow that is a few years my junior, has been a particularly good friend, someone to share my thoughts, struggles, and joys with, someone that has been by my side and prayed her heart out with me, and for me. Well this friend is now my girlfriend. We are committed to honoring our late spouses, and our Lord and Savior with our relationship. so we are moving slowly, carefully, and prayerfully. I know for a fact my late wife would have wanted me to be happy, but I felt that allowing myself to get close to another woman would be me being unfaithful to her. But I also know, I have fulfilled my vows to her, and God.

For anyone that wants to, pray that we keep our hearts, eyes, and ears open for Gods guidance. And that if this is not Gods will, that he show up with clarity.

Thank you for your prayers, and input. It has been a blessing.

I am very happy for you and your new girlfriend.

We are living in a time in history when I do not think it's particularly good for anyone to be living alone, without a partner. The key, of course, is to find a very compatible partner and it sounds like the two of you may very well be on the right track!

Prayers for you both, as you continue your journey together.

p.s. And thanking God, that you did not have cancer.

DaveHTexas · Jun 24, 2024

mourningdove~ said:
I am very happy for you and your new girlfriend.

We are living in a time in history when I do not think it's particularly good for anyone to be living alone, without a partner. The key, of course, is to find a very compatible partner and it sounds like the two of you may very well be on the right track!

Prayers for you both, as you continue your journey together.

p.s. And thanking God, that you did not have cancer.

Thanking God loudly for the no cancer. The issue is funny in a sad sort of way. It is one of those things you always see the medication ads on TV for... If you have moderate to severe whatever it is talk to your doctor about this medicine. Uh, sure...

And as far as the girlfriend and I are concerned, we are doing well, going slow, we both have our own grief to deal with, and we are moving forward prayerfully.

I was not looking for anything other than a friend, and I don't believe she was either. But having commnon shared ground, and praying together brings you pretty close.

I know people think this is wierd, but I don't want her to lose her love for her late husband, nor I for my late wife. God will and has made room to grow.

mourningdove~ · Jun 24, 2024

DaveHTexas said:
Thanking God loudly for the no cancer. The issue is funny in a sad sort of way. It is one of those things you always see the medication ads on TV for... If you have moderate to severe whatever it is talk to your doctor about this medicine. Uh, sure...

And as far as the girlfriend and I are concerned, we are doing well, going slow, we both have our own grief to deal with, and we are moving forward prayerfully.

I was not looking for anything other than a friend, and I don't believe she was either. But having commnon shared ground, and praying together brings you pretty close.

I know people think this is wierd, but I don't want her to lose her love for her late husband, nor I for my late wife. God will and has made room to grow.

Really does sound like you both are moving at a healthy pace.

I do think that widows and widowers understand each other best.
It is a hard thing, to lose a spouse. A very personal, isolating kind of experience.
Many of us grow deeper in our faith, because of it. We find we need God very much, to make it without them.
So, to find someone else who understands those feelings is pretty swell.
Perhaps even 'a God deal'. Even if you both were just meant to be friends.

Our previous relationships (marriages) have alot to do with the people we are today.
Our loved ones never really leave us. The memory of them lives on in our hearts.

I see it as a blessing, that you and your girlfriend both have loving memories of your previous spouses to potentially blend into a new marriage relationship. It does not sound weird to me at all, that you would want for you both to hold in your hearts those loving memories. It actually sounds emotionally healthy.

God's best to you both!

DaveHTexas · Jun 26, 2024

mourningdove~ said:
Really does sound like you both are moving at a healthy pace.

I do think that widows and widowers understand each other best.
It is a hard thing, to lose a spouse. A very personal, isolating kind of experience.
Many of us grow deeper in our faith, because of it. We find we need God very much, to make it without them.
So, to find someone else who understands those feelings is pretty swell.
Perhaps even 'a God deal'. Even if you both were just meant to be friends.

Our previous relationships (marriages) have alot to do with the people we are today.
Our loved ones never really leave us. The memory of them lives on in our hearts.

I see it as a blessing, that you and your girlfriend both have loving memories of your previous spouses to potentially blend into a new marriage relationship. It does not sound weird to me at all, that you would want for you both to hold in your hearts those loving memories. It actually sounds emotionally healthy.

God's best to you both!

We are not at the point of marriage yet, but given our ages, we have some time to take it and go into this carefully, and of course prayerfully. Just as we both did with our marriages, we are putting God at the very center of the relationship. I do not know where this will lead but I know what direction we are both heading so it is kind of an understood destination. Neither of us date just to date. We date with the purpose of marriage and a lifetime partnership that honors God.

I feel guilty for a promise I made her. Pretty sure most have been here...

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