I deeply regret not saving myself for marriage.

[brudspirea]

This has been weighing on my mind for some time now, and I haven't been sure where to turn to.
I'm 20 now, and in a relationship with someone I intend to marry. He does not hold my past against me, in fact, it doesn't seem to actively bother him at all. To me, however, it's a source of great shame and a lot of anxiety.

I haven't had copious amounts of partners, but the fact that it's anything above just 1 is enough to really make me feel bad. I entered my mid-teens at the height of progressive sex-positive culture. By the time I had my first boyfriend at age 15, I had fully bought into the narrative that sex is simply something recreational and fun, and that it's an expression of empowerment or confidence to have sex in whatever context you choose. That there's no value attached to it inherently, unless you make it so. Etc, etc.
Obviously, my relationship at age 15 did not last. After that I would go on to have two encounters that were outside the context of a committed relationship in a very short timeframe, and I firmly consider this to be one of the biggest mistakes I have made.

As time has gone on, my Christianity has matured from the milquetoast "it's all love!! do what you want, God has your back!" variant of faith a lot of us have probably bought into at some point, and I've begun to actually place some real expectations on myself in terms of how I should conduct myself in accordance to His will. With that has come introspection and a lot of regret over past choices.

I could forgive myself for *believing* certain things in the past, but having actually acted on it is another thing entirely. Even though I know, rationally, that God can forgive all, I can't help but feel like this is some kind of 'mark' I'm carrying.

Am I being totally paranoid? What is the way out of this? I'm scared it will distract me from looking forward.

 

[com7fy8]

First . . . welcome to Christian Forums !

< > here we are >

You have changed to know certain things are wrong; so I would appreciate how you now know they were wrong. And be careful not to feed on guilt and shaming.

Jesus is about forgiveness. Jesus suffered like He did and died, so you and all of us may be forgiven and reconciled with God. So, feed on this, trust Jesus for this.

And feed on His example > now you forgive and have compassion for wrong people.

Jesus says the one who is forgiven much will love much. So - - - love much, in appreciation of how God's own Son desires for you to be forgiven and to love.

And I will offer that a guy who is into Jesus is ready to forgive you. In Jesus, he understands, we have a new beginning. And then we can need to be restarted by God, at times - - - like to how a perfectly good computer can get overloaded and need to be shut off and turned back on so it can get clear of all the stuff that has piled up in it and does not need to be there.

You are more than a computer. If you have trusted in Jesus, you are God's own precious child bought by the blood of Jesus. So, this is about the authority Jesus has with you. Trust Him to prove Himself in you

 

[Karin12414]

Am I being totally paranoid? What is the way out of this? I'm scared it will distract me from looking forward.

Hello,

First off I want to say I am so sorry you are struggling with this. I know exactly what you are going through because I was there just 4 years ago. I felt overly compelled to respond to your post.

My first boyfriend was at 14 and I lost my virginity to him at 15. I am married to him now, but we had a REALLY rough time getting here. My guilt came from the fact that I had grown up in the Church and knew sex was to be saved for marriage, but I honestly thought I would marry him and when we broke up for a few years, I really lost myself. I got involved in multiple types of drugs and had multiple sex partners. My biggest shame through it all was that I honestly could not tell you how many partners. More than 5, but no clue how many. It ate me up inside for so long.

Like I said, I am married to my first love now. It was hard for both of us to accept the things we had both done, but ultimately, we decided it was either we forgive, or leave each other again, because that it no way to have a relationship.

When it comes to how I was with God, that took MUCH longer for me to accept. I felt so dirty and ashamed of what I allowed myself to become. I didn't realize how silly I was being until I finally allowed myself to listen to the Worship Team sing "Restore to Me". I have always had a deep connection with music, but listening to the words of this song felt like a spear piercing through all of my anger, shame, and pain. The song tied into the service that morning on Psalm 51. It's a passage about King David.

Here is another post I made a while back on the Subject:
The Lord's Prodigal Daughter!

I summarize both.

In the end, no one is holding on to your past but you. God has already moved on and is ready for the next chapter to begin. It's all on you to turn the page now and leave your past in the last chapter, where it will stay.

Believe me, when God looks at you, He sees a beautiful young girl that has the heart to be right with God, and the future for Him to design. God loves you, your man loves you, and we all love you too girl! Now love yourself so God can begin His amazing plan in your life

I am here if you need to talk further! <3

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

What is the way out of this?

Possibly see and read prayerfully the book of Hebrews, to see if Yahuweh has a way to have a peaceful, joyous, clear conscience even in His Presence. (p.s. He certainly DOEs Provide all that is required! )

 

[saynotoupgrade2019]

if God can forgive you so why can't you forgive yourself?

your flesh will expire but your soul will remain you don't really need to think about this body of yours God doesn't really care what your flesh body look like God cares what your heart's think

in the end what really matters is what God thinks of you not yourself not even your partner nor other people

 

[brudspirea]

Believe me, when God looks at you, He sees a beautiful young girl that has the heart to be right with God, and the future for Him to design. God loves you, your man loves you, and we all love you too girl! Now love yourself so God can begin His amazing plan in your life

I am here if you need to talk further! <3

I've been procrastinating on replying to this for a few days, because I've been unsure what to say. Just, thank you, it really is immensely helpful to hear from another woman with a similar experience. It has been very isolating to carry this, it's not really something you whip out in a casual conversation.
I googled a bit before making this post to see if I could find anyone that felt what I did, and it is surprisingly difficult to find anyone talking about it. Most of what I found was just articles basically explaining why 'body count' doesn't matter, and that's just not very helpful for someone in my situation.

 

[Karin12414]

I've been procrastinating on replying to this for a few days, because I've been unsure what to say. Just, thank you, it really is immensely helpful to hear from another woman with a similar experience. It has been very isolating to carry this, it's not really something you whip out in a casual conversation.
I googled a bit before making this post to see if I could find anyone that felt what I did, and it is surprisingly difficult to find anyone talking about it. Most of what I found was just articles basically explaining why 'body count' doesn't matter, and that's just not very helpful for someone in my situation.

I understand. It was especially hard when I went to Church. Everyone always seemed so "perfect" that it didn't seem like anyone could understand or relate. What helped me mostly was my Daughter. I NEVER want her to struggle the way I did, or feel the way I did. I want her to feel empowered, no matter what!

I work with the Youth now too. And I just feel compelled to step in and share when I feel it will make a difference. It is still hard sometimes, and I feel down about it too, but I know that is just a game the enemy is playing with me. We make mistakes sometimes. It's kind of inescapable. We have two choices when these things happen:

We can let it destroy our confidence and keep us stuck in a miserable existence

OR

We can choose to say, "Yeah that was kind of dumb" and just use it to grow!

God doesn't put us through suffering, but He uses it to bring us closer to Him and ultimately use us to talk to others that need to hear our story. What we have been through is something a lot of women have been through. Society makes it so women are supposed to be ashamed if we do anything with our bodies, and at times, they use the Bible to push that agenda. It's heart breaking.

Yes, we are supposed to wait until marriage, but if we don't, does that make us worth less than a girl that did? NOT AT ALL! We are just as beautiful and made just as clean through the blood of Christ no matter what we did in our lives!

I am here if you ever need to talk girl! Like I said, life is just too short not to be enjoying what God has planned for you

 

[fhansen]

This has been weighing on my mind for some time now, and I haven't been sure where to turn to.
I'm 20 now, and in a relationship with someone I intend to marry. He does not hold my past against me, in fact, it doesn't seem to actively bother him at all. To me, however, it's a source of great shame and a lot of anxiety.

I haven't had copious amounts of partners, but the fact that it's anything above just 1 is enough to really make me feel bad. I entered my mid-teens at the height of progressive sex-positive culture. By the time I had my first boyfriend at age 15, I had fully bought into the narrative that sex is simply something recreational and fun, and that it's an expression of empowerment or confidence to have sex in whatever context you choose. That there's no value attached to it inherently, unless you make it so. Etc, etc.
Obviously, my relationship at age 15 did not last. After that I would go on to have two encounters that were outside the context of a committed relationship in a very short timeframe, and I firmly consider this to be one of the biggest mistakes I have made.

As time has gone on, my Christianity has matured from the milquetoast "it's all love!! do what you want, God has your back!" variant of faith a lot of us have probably bought into at some point, and I've begun to actually place some real expectations on myself in terms of how I should conduct myself in accordance to His will. With that has come introspection and a lot of regret over past choices.

I could forgive myself for *believing* certain things in the past, but having actually acted on it is another thing entirely. Even though I know, rationally, that God can forgive all, I can't help but feel like this is some kind of 'mark' I'm carrying.

Am I being totally paranoid? What is the way out of this? I'm scared it will distract me from looking forward.

What you’re doing is healthy. You’re conscience is working as it should. We were meant to be chaste within the context of marriage. Dwelling on it doesn’t help tho-we simply don’t have the luxury of always being perfect in this world-none of us. And sometimes it's actually pride, ironically, that keeps us from just accepting God's forgiveness. Either way we’re here to learn from the mistakes that we inevitably make while being distanced from God. So that we will want to draw near to Him as we truly come to realize our need for Him. “Apart from Me you can do nothing.” John 15:5. And love and forgiveness are aspects of His very nature.

So know and accept and face and confess that you’ve done wrong and accept God's forgiveness but understand that the guilt and contriteness may continue to come up from time to time which is normal also as we grow in holiness and maturity. But each time you can rest in the assurance that you’re already forgiven, and all things are possible with God including restoring our inner chastity. He heals, desiring to make us whole as only He can.

 

[Dave-W]

Am I being totally paranoid? What is the way out of this? I'm scared it will distract me from looking forward.

What you are experiencing is condemnation from the devil. It is intended to distract you, discourage you and keep you from growing and becoming what God wants you to be and do.

Recognize the source, REJECT it and move on.