Husband who doesn't want anymore kids

[bleek1977]

Hey CF, Its been a while since i've been in here but I do have a serious delima and need some advice.

My wife and I are going on our 3rd year of marriage. We have a blended family of 7 and 6 year old daughters. My wife has had the baby itch for two years now and it's getting worse.

Her girlfriends are having babies and she watches a baby story on TLC all the time. I initialy told her earlier in our marriage that we needed about 3yrs before we have another child.

Now that this time is approaching this topic is becoming the top issue in our marriage and its going to get worse. It's going to get even more worse because eventhough I wanted children in the beginning, I don't have the desire to have another child. I feel I have enough on my plate with the two daughters I have. Not to mention, I deal with children everyday on my job (middle school teacher) and honestly I'm losing patience and tolerance for children all together.

I like the current lifestlye that we have in our marriage, and I think another child will complicate that. Eventually I want to tell her how I feel, but I know she's gonna flip. I don't wanna hurt her, but I can't just change my feeling inside. What should i do???

 

[svl3p]

Really the only thing I can suggest is talk to her about it. she may be disappointed..but the longer she believes that the time is getting closer...the harder it will be for the both of you...getting it out in the open and discussing it sooner than later is best, I think.

 

[HeKnowsMyName]

My advice would be to pray about it. Ask God to change you if it's His will for you to have more kids. Ask Him to change her if it's not. He'll also give you the words to say to her when the need arises.

 

[JohnDB]

Solomon said something about Children...

Children are like arrows;
Blessed is he whose quiver is full.

But I also understand your feelings. they are normal. But then again...a new child is always good too.

I have one son and one older step son. I don't see much of my step son. (He lives in another state) I do love my biological son though and wish I had a couple of more children. I am too old though...and adoption really isn't an option for me.

Count your blessings. Maybe in this situation you might be in the wrong. (It is one of the hardest things to see or admit for most folks) But then again everything is relative now isn't it?

Feelings come and go like the seasons...just make sure that your choices are solid as many of them are irrevokable.

 

[snoochface]

I'm not going to tell you to have another child when you don't want one. That would not be fair to the child.

But when you talk to your wife about this, understand that you're kind of pulling a bait and switch on her. You told her after about three years, you'd have another child, and now you're changing your mind.

You're entitled to change your mind and, like I said, I would not recommend having another child that you don't really want. Just also understand that her reaction to the news is probably going to come with a lot of disappointment and failed expectations, and you need to be sensitive about how she feels about that.

The longer you wait to have the talk with her, the harder it will be on her. If she really wants another child, and it's a deal breaker to her (which you didn't indicate, but I don't know) then you have to be fair to her and talk with her about it right away.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Hey CF, Its been a while since i've been in here but I do have a serious delima and need some advice.

My wife and I are going on our 3rd year of marriage. We have a blended family of 7 and 6 year old daughters. My wife has had the baby itch for two years now and it's getting worse.

Her girlfriends are having babies and she watches a baby story on TLC all the time. I initialy told her earlier in our marriage that we needed about 3yrs before we have another child.

Now that this time is approaching this topic is becoming the top issue in our marriage and its going to get worse. It's going to get even more worse because eventhough I wanted children in the beginning, I don't have the desire to have another child. I feel I have enough on my plate with the two daughters I have. Not to mention, I deal with children everyday on my job (middle school teacher) and honestly I'm losing patience and tolerance for children all together.

I like the current lifestlye that we have in our marriage, and I think another child will complicate that. Eventually I want to tell her how I feel, but I know she's gonna flip. I don't wanna hurt her, but I can't just change my feeling inside. What should i do???

Here's the thing.... if you continue with this attitude and the two of you do conceive, then it could be very harmful for your marriage. As a matter of fact I have a friend who's husband left her and the kids after having a third child that he didn't want (it was actually an "accident" if you want to call it that, no ones "fault") and well, it's just sad that he walked out on his responsibility, but it happened probably because he saw having all those babies as a burden.

The other thing is that your wife probably is not going to forget that you told her "3 years"... she is just going to get angry, and dissapointed.. and it's not really fair to her either... and you don't really want to do that to your wife i'm sure.

So you can't help how you feel, you have to be honest about it... but you also owe your wifes needs/wants consideration. You should do for her according to the desires of her heart unless there is seriously a good reason not to.

My suggestion to you is to pray. This is what I would do. Pray and ask God to take control of the situation, ask him to grant you an openness to having another kid if that's what he wants... to come in by his spirit and grant peace and unity in your relationship.. because he can and does make the two become one. YOU can't do this, YOUR WIFE cannot do this, but HE CAN! Do you know what I mean? Ask him to come in and do his will no matter what that may be and trust that he knows best.

It could be that you'll find a new found love for your wife and children and a new little one.. a miracle of life.

This post is not to point fingers or to make you feel bad or guilty, but just my thoughts. He makes it clear in his word that he desires for us to reproduce and that childrens are gifts from him and blessings upon us. That is his word, his will. Now he also cares about YOUR cares, YOUR feelings and YOUR needs and he's big enough to provide for them all.

God Bless,
HB

 

[Autumnleaf]

Cancel cable and see if TLC going away takes the itch with it.

 

[rppearso]

When the church says you should have kids you should ask the church if they will take care of it when ever you want to go out or help you with the cost of raising it. Otherwise they should really not even so much as comment on it. Its like the church is not living in reality sometimes.

 

[RobinRedbreast]

I'm not going to tell you to have another child when you don't want one. That would not be fair to the child.

But when you talk to your wife about this, understand that you're kind of pulling a bait and switch on her. You told her after about three years, you'd have another child, and now you're changing your mind.

You're entitled to change your mind and, like I said, I would not recommend having another child that you don't really want. Just also understand that her reaction to the news is probably going to come with a lot of disappointment and failed expectations, and you need to be sensitive about how she feels about that.

The longer you wait to have the talk with her, the harder it will be on her. If she really wants another child, and it's a deal breaker to her (which you didn't indicate, but I don't know) then you have to be fair to her and talk with her about it right away.

Agreed

 

[revrobor]

You seem to have pulled the "bait and switch" on your wife. At first you indicated that more children were a possibility. Now you say no. This will become a big issue in your marriage and it will also affect the existing children. You need to get some counseling to resolve this. And if you can no longer put up with children at school find another profession.

 

[rppearso]

School teachers dont make anything anyways, you should become an engineer or a real estate agent or something.

 

[GolfingMom]

I'm not going to tell you to have another child when you don't want one. That would not be fair to the child.

But when you talk to your wife about this, understand that you're kind of pulling a bait and switch on her. You told her after about three years, you'd have another child, and now you're changing your mind.

You're entitled to change your mind and, like I said, I would not recommend having another child that you don't really want. Just also understand that her reaction to the news is probably going to come with a lot of disappointment and failed expectations, and you need to be sensitive about how she feels about that.

The longer you wait to have the talk with her, the harder it will be on her. If she really wants another child, and it's a deal breaker to her (which you didn't indicate, but I don't know) then you have to be fair to her and talk with her about it right away.

AGREE.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

When the church says you should have kids you should ask the church if they will take care of it when ever you want to go out or help you with the cost of raising it. Otherwise they should really not even so much as comment on it. Its like the church is not living in reality sometimes.

Well the church saying it is one thing..... I agree that this is a much needed ministry, and if they preach it or anything like it... then they should be willing to back it with help and support. Parents and family's need a break.

However, that is a seperate issue from what the bible says about having children. You really can't make an issue out of that.

HB

 

[Autumnleaf]

Well the church saying it is one thing..... I agree that this is a much needed ministry, and if they preach it or anything like it... then they should be willing to back it with help and support. Parents and family's need a break.

However, that is a seperate issue from what the bible says about having children. You really can't make an issue out of that.

HB

Children are a choice. The people who choose to have them end up with a bigger voice in how the future turns out to be.

 

[DZoolander]

You seem to have pulled the "bait and switch" on your wife. At first you indicated that more children were a possibility. Now you say no. This will become a big issue in your marriage and it will also affect the existing children. You need to get some counseling to resolve this. And if you can no longer put up with children at school find another profession.

I agree with revrobor. You did pull a bit of a "bait and switch" on your wife. Most likely - had she known that another child wasn't in the future - she might not have married you in the first place. Also likely - you felt this way at the start - and figured that the "3 year window" was far enough into the future to enable you to have your cake (marry her) and eat it too (not have to have the kid). Now that the timeframe is coming soon - you're having to deal with that.

I dunno what to tell you, man. Should've been upfront with her about your desires/intentions at the start.

 

[rppearso]

You could always start wearing ear plugs or just start shooting high power rifles without ear plugs or starting air craft engines without ear plugs, after some time all will be quite regardless of what is going on, thats pretty much what happened to me so when im around my friends kids I can hear that they are screaming and yelling but all the hearing in the high pitch range is gone so it does not sound any different than someone talking giberish in a normal tone. Make sure you dont over do it and loose more hearing than you have to, at least for me I have to be able to hear on the head set when im piloting for recreation but I dont need sniper hearing for it, just get a nice pair of bosch and you should be ok. You should also sound proof the room where the baby will be. And I pray that your sex life does not go down the toilet when the 3rd pregnancy starts.

I agree with revrobor. You did pull a bit of a "bait and switch" on your wife. Most likely - had she known that another child wasn't in the future - she might not have married you in the first place. Also likely - you felt this way at the start - and figured that the "3 year window" was far enough into the future to enable you to have your cake (marry her) and eat it too (not have to have the kid). Now that the timeframe is coming soon - you're having to deal with that.

I dunno what to tell you, man. Should've been upfront with her about your desires/intentions at the start.

 

[bleek1977]

Here's the thing.... if you continue with this attitude and the two of you do conceive, then it could be very harmful for your marriage. As a matter of fact I have a friend who's husband left her and the kids after having a third child that he didn't want (it was actually an "accident" if you want to call it that, no ones "fault") and well, it's just sad that he walked out on his responsibility, but it happened probably because he saw having all those babies as a burden.

The other thing is that your wife probably is not going to forget that you told her "3 years"... she is just going to get angry, and dissapointed.. and it's not really fair to her either... and you don't really want to do that to your wife i'm sure.

So you can't help how you feel, you have to be honest about it... but you also owe your wifes needs/wants consideration. You should do for her according to the desires of her heart unless there is seriously a good reason not to.

My suggestion to you is to pray. This is what I would do. Pray and ask God to take control of the situation, ask him to grant you an openness to having another kid if that's what he wants... to come in by his spirit and grant peace and unity in your relationship.. because he can and does make the two become one. YOU can't do this, YOUR WIFE cannot do this, but HE CAN! Do you know what I mean? Ask him to come in and do his will no matter what that may be and trust that he knows best.

It could be that you'll find a new found love for your wife and children and a new little one.. a miracle of life.

This post is not to point fingers or to make you feel bad or guilty, but just my thoughts. He makes it clear in his word that he desires for us to reproduce and that childrens are gifts from him and blessings upon us. That is his word, his will. Now he also cares about YOUR cares, YOUR feelings and YOUR needs and he's big enough to provide for them all.

God Bless,
HB

I can see how it does seem like a bait and switch kind of thing. But honestly, earlier in our marriage I did have intentions on having another child. But our kids are a handful as it is and I just don't think its a good idea. Plus I think my wife is infatuated with the baby stage and does not realize that this stage is only temporary. Also I don't think she realizes the things we both have to give up for the new child as well. The sad thing about my feelings is that I could go on in life without ever having another child and be quite content. I'm not saying I'm right, its just how I feel.

 

[Kris10leigh]

Your kids are at a tough age and they kids you deal with at school are a tough age! It's no wonder you're frustrated! Talk out these feelings with your wife.

My kids are about your kids' ages. I desperately wanted a third child. We tried and lost one, and then tried some more. Now my kids are 7 and 8 and I no longer want a third child for similar reasons that you are stating. It's not my own kids that drive me nuts, but kids their age definitely do. You have to remember that when they're your own, it's different.

If you decide to have that third baby, you will love it. If you decided not to, I think it needs to be mutual.

Tough one! I don't envy you.

 

[LoisGriffin]

I can see how it does seem like a bait and switch kind of thing. But honestly, earlier in our marriage I did have intentions on having another child. But our kids are a handful as it is and I just don't think its a good idea. Plus I think my wife is infatuated with the baby stage and does not realize that this stage is only temporary. Also I don't think she realizes the things we both have to give up for the new child as well. The sad thing about my feelings is that I could go on in life without ever having another child and be quite content. I'm not saying I'm right, its just how I feel.

It could just be a stage. It seems a lot of people are going through that stage right now. I call it the baby rabies.

Would it be worth both of you waiting a year to have the discussion again. Then you guys can work out if its just the baby rabies or a genuine desire. You may find in a year you feel differently too.

 

[revrobor]

I can see how it does seem like a bait and switch kind of thing. But honestly, earlier in our marriage I did have intentions on having another child. But our kids are a handful as it is and I just don't think its a good idea. Plus I think my wife is infatuated with the baby stage and does not realize that this stage is only temporary. Also I don't think she realizes the things we both have to give up for the new child as well. The sad thing about my feelings is that I could go on in life without ever having another child and be quite content. I'm not saying I'm right, its just how I feel.

My wife and I have five children (four boys and a girl). They are all grown now. We never felt we had to "give up" anything of importance. In fact they added to the joy of our life. When you have children they become your primary responsibility. Your "give up" remark makes me wonder if you might be a little selfish.