Husband addicted porn/sexless marriage/dangerous hoarding situation

[heavenboundgurl]

I find myself at a desperate crossroads at 13 years of marriage. I am a 63 years old disabled veteran and have a lot of issues after 20 years of service. My husband hides his porn addiction but it has led to a sexless marriage, believing that I should not divorce except adultery I have stayed in this marriage which has no little to no affection. His hoarding is out of control, I have no access to cook and I have fallen often. He has a victim mentality and everything is someone else's fault. All his children from previous marriage will not have anything to do with him. I am isolated from others because no one likes him. I am the one with income because I worked hard all my life.
Is pornography infidelity because it certainly feels so...every day for hours but not even a hug for me even though he tells me he loves me. I am a normal woman., I struggle wanting affection and someone to love. I don't want to divorce but my safety is totally compromised in this situation, and I have lived with someone who totally has ruined any sex life from the very beginning there is basically been none. He has cheated me I feel and I try not very hard not to be angry. I medicated myself with antidepressants this whole marriage and I have come off of them because I am fighting back. But I don't know what to do

 

[sandman]

Is pornography infidelity because it certainly feels so

Short answer ...Yes

It is not my place to give advise on what to do....but if continues it will completely destroy your marriage.

In some ways porn is worse because of the denial. If he was caught cheating with another woman, he would admit it was cheating…. But with porn there seems to be an acceptable denial among both men and women who are addicted because it is…. as they say “not real”. But when they are not watching porn, their mind is many times thinking about getting back to it …becoming totally dissociated from their marital responsibilities to their spouse. …. It is never harmless when someone in the relationship is being hurt. And when you give yourself over to another person (real or on screen) you have abandoned your responsibilities as a spouse and the sexual exclusivity of a relationship is broken…. it's a betrayal.

 

[tturt]

Really sorry that you are in this situation.

Could you elaborate on your safety being compromised?

 

[heavenboundgurl]

Short answer ...Yes

It is not my place to give advise on what to do....but if continues it will completely destroy your marriage.

In some ways porn is worse because of the denial. If he was caught cheating with another woman, he would admit it was cheating…. But with porn there seems to be an acceptable denial among both men and women who are addicted because it is…. as they say “not real”. But when they are not watching porn, their mind is many times thinking about getting back to it …becoming totally dissociated from their marital responsibilities to their spouse. …. It is never harmless when someone in the relationship is being hurt. And when you give yourself over to another person (real or on screen) you have abandoned your responsibilities as a spouse and the sexual exclusivity of a relationship is broken…. it's a betrayal.

Thank you. I have approached this issue with him before but he will not discontinue. I have found out that he has had a problem with porn going back 30 years to previous marriage.

 

[heavenboundgurl]

Really sorry that you are in this situation.

Could you elaborate on your safety being compromised?

Really sorry that you are in this situation.

Could you elaborate on your safety being compromised?

I am disabled from military service, multiple issues. Neurological issues, multiple sclerosis, bone deterioration, nerve tumor on spine, some dementia from brain damage, balance issues, legs don't work well. I don't think he would ever physically hurt me but I cannot keep my wheelchair ramp clear, a path clear to walk safely, obstructions 5 feet high around. 2 foot high on countertops. I cannot get up from falls myself. My safety is being compromised by my living conditions. The VA pays aid and attendance because I am incapable of taking care of myself. I can have his oldest son come and clean it out but I imagine it will end my marriage. I have bought a garagetown condo to put stuff in, he filled it and he has two storage units, there is no end to his insanity.

 

[Douglas Brian McIntire]

A person unwilling to repent by doing everything necessary to maintain, restore, or reconcile a relationship should be considered an unbeliever.


15 “If your (Husband) brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. 18 Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. 19 Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” Matthew 18:15-29


10 To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.

12 To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. 16 For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? 1 Corinthians 7:12-16

Jesus said...

Divorce​

31 “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. Matthew 5:31-32

I don't believe that should only be for men and personally believe you have the right to divorce, but I highly suggests you count the cost of never remarrying but possibly reconciling.

 

[heavenboundgurl]

A person unwilling to repent by doing everything necessary to maintain, restore, or reconcile a relationship should be considered an unbeliever.


15 “If your (Husband) brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. 18 Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. 19 Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” Matthew 18:15-29


10 To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.

12 To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. 16 For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? 1 Corinthians 7:12-16

Jesus said...

Divorce​

31 “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. Matthew 5:31-32

I don't believe that should only be for men and personally believe you have the right to divorce, but I highly suggests you count the cost of never remarrying but possibly reconciling.

I know the scriptures and have been divorced. I was raised in the Baptist faith, my father and his family ran the church. He was a deacon, brother senior deacon. Father abusive. I entered the military in 1981, they changed my assignment and tried to enter me into sex ring first base. First husband southern Baptist pastor I stayed 16 years he was unfaithful except for maybe 4 years of the marriage, he married again and divorce has shown himself to be a total reprobate. I can only believe he was never saved. This husband has a Doctorate in Theology and has been in larger churches when younger, has destroyed every ministry I have been involved in so I know no longer serve the Lord in any official capacity any more. I don't want to ever remarry or get involved with someone. I have no trust in men except my male friends that have known me for many years in the military.
I prefer we live together even if it is just as friends but I cannot compromise personal safety. I don't hate him and have not let myself let a seed of bitterness take hold. It has not been easy.

 

[Douglas Brian McIntire]

I know the scriptures and have been divorced. I was raised in the Baptist faith, my father and his family ran the church. He was a deacon, brother senior deacon. Father abusive. I entered the military in 1981, they changed my assignment and tried to enter me into sex ring first base. First husband southern Baptist pastor I stayed 16 years he was unfaithful except for maybe 4 years of the marriage, he married again and divorce has shown himself to be a total reprobate. I can only believe he was never saved. This husband has a Doctorate in Theology and has been in larger churches when younger, has destroyed every ministry I have been involved in so I know no longer serve the Lord in any official capacity any more. I don't want to ever remarry or get involved with someone. I have no trust in men except my male friends that have known me for many years in the military.
I prefer we live together even if it is just as friends but I cannot compromise personal safety. I don't hate him and have not let myself let a seed of bitterness take hold. It has not been easy.

You definitely need to find yourself a near-by support group. I have no idea the extent of your disability. I personally don’t trust people especially pastors but sometimes you need to be cunning and find help to get you out of at least the house and build yourself strong friendships and a new life no matter what you choose to do.

 

[Neostarwcc]

As somebody who was addicted to porn for almost 30 years I can say this, pornography is evil and people should not be watching it. Especially married people. When I got married I had to make a choice. I could look at girls who I had absolutely no way to get with of I could choose my wife who wanted to spend the rest of my life with me. The choice was easy but actually quitting a 30 year pornography addiction was/is easier said than done. I kept failing over and over again and it turned yo me eventually begging God to free me from Pornography. He did just that, I've been free from pornography for a good 5 years now.



Your husband needs God too. He needs to repent and he needs to see pornography for what it really is. So many marriages have been ruined by sexual immorality that it's ridiculous. And yes, using pornography to satisfy your own urges instead of being with your wife is sexual immorality. It's cheating and it's disgusting. But I can talk until I'm blue in the face it's your husband that has to repent. You cannot do it for him.

 

[Gregorikos]

I find myself at a desperate crossroads at 13 years of marriage. I am a 63 years old disabled veteran and have a lot of issues after 20 years of service. My husband hides his porn addiction but it has led to a sexless marriage, believing that I should not divorce except adultery I have stayed in this marriage which has no little to no affection. His hoarding is out of control, I have no access to cook and I have fallen often. He has a victim mentality and everything is someone else's fault. All his children from previous marriage will not have anything to do with him. I am isolated from others because no one likes him. I am the one with income because I worked hard all my life.
Is pornography infidelity because it certainly feels so...every day for hours but not even a hug for me even though he tells me he loves me. I am a normal woman., I struggle wanting affection and someone to love. I don't want to divorce but my safety is totally compromised in this situation, and I have lived with someone who totally has ruined any sex life from the very beginning there is basically been none. He has cheated me I feel and I try not very hard not to be angry. I medicated myself with antidepressants this whole marriage and I have come off of them because I am fighting back. But I don't know what to do

Yes Ma'am, pornography is infidelity, and he is no doubt using porn and self gratification to replace the physical relationship in your marriage. He may very well love you, but this addiction leads people to be very dishonest with themselves and with others. He needs help or he will never get out of it. He may not even want out of his addiction, though, and that's the first step.

 

[Joy]

MOD HAT ON

This Thread has Moved

From Requests for Christian Advice

To Struggles with Sexuality

MOD HAT OFF​

 

[linux.poet]

I would work on confronting the hoarding issues first, because that is the hazard to your safety. In this case, I recommend reaching out to your local church. My church used to have a Helping Hands ministry that would do this sort of thing.

If you have some financial resources, 1-800-GOT-JUNK may be a number to call. But you need to make it clear to him that his hoarding behavior will not be tolerated. Have people get rid of the junk, all of it, and whenever you see more of it, keep getting rid of it. Eventually his misery will bring him back to you and when it does, push him toward therapy.

The same method of confrontation will not work for the porn addiction. You can try to “Fireproof” the computer, but it’s an urging addiction like cutting - he needs to replace the urge to watch porn with something else. Otherwise he will just find another way to obtain pornography. It has to be solved internally by him. Pornography and masturbation have a self-harm root - he despises his sexual desires and wants to hurt himself by denying his body connection with another human being. Thus, trying to replace the urge to watch porn with sex will not work, because that is not what is addicting him. Having sex with you doesn’t hurt himself, and the self-harm is what he wants.

By contrast, the hoarding likely has a fear root, and thus will respond to confrontation and outside treatment. When you get rid of the things, you plunge him into his fear and force him to change that fear into anger. Anger will talk, and then you have a conversation to confront him about his terrible behavior. But patience and prayer will be required, because you will need other people to help you do this, and they need to be in alignment with you and resist any attempts your husband might make to undermine their help.

If you move forward, it will likely get worse before it gets better, but I would still recommend that you make your best attempt to go through this process for God’s glory and honor, and to ensure your own safety.