How to Survive a Sexless Christian Marriage?

[Ana83]

I’m completely new here and not even sure I’m posting in the right place.

Today, I decided to join this site just so that I can see if there is someone out there to talk to. Or if someone can understand and offer insight. I’ve never even used a forum, though I’ve read MANY on this topic over the years. But my heart is in my throat and each day I feel like I can’t breathe.

My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We’re in our early 40s. Our marriage has become sexless. As of right now, we’ve had sex ONCE in the past seven months. Last year, I think it was three times total. I honestly feel like this is killing me.

I have always had a high sex drive. In our 20s, my husband’s drive matched mine. But even five years into marriage, we started having discussions about me needing to have sex more as frequency was starting to wane. Back then, I could turn him on even if he was tired. I would prefer to have sex daily, but I’ve always accepted (no other choice) that he doesn’t want it that often. I have been the primary initiator for at least ten years.

My husband is not gay, not having an affair, and not viewing porn. He’s a devoted provider for our family, kind, aims to please, and works hard inside and outside of our home. He’s a good father too.

I am not ugly and have not let myself go. I believe I am still attractive to him. I am passionate and sensual and creative in the bedroom. He has told me this himself many times. I’m not a narcissist, I’m just trying to sum up the situation. I make him laugh a lot too. Together, we enjoy hiking, camping, surfing, and foraging, etc.

He has never been good at being emotionally vulnerable and recognizes that. So, he has a hard time being truly intimate.

I believe that from stress he started to lose his libido a few years ago. We’ve talked very openly about it. He has also started to experience some ED. I believe it is 20% physical and 80% psychological. I think he is so stuck in his head about it now that he’s trapped.

I am a super open communicator and I’ve initiated a lot of discussions about this that seemed to ease tension at the time. I’m an herbalist and he wants to take the medicines I make — when he’s out, he asks me to make more. I’ve researched and offered things that could help with his overall health and he’s very willing with those things. We’ve addressed possible depression. I’ve told him that he doesn’t have to perform in the bedroom for me and that we can have fun and enjoy being close and just touching each other. We’ve laughed and cried over it. I’ve told him how it makes me feel and he’s vowed to work on it. But...he never does.

I’ve helped him set up doctor’s appointments, and suggested therapy. He’s gone to the doctor three times now and discussed ED and low libido. Doctors tell him to eat better and exercise. He just doesn’t. He’s not completely impotent either — just not functioning at 100%. I think his physical lack of sexual desire overrides his overall momentum. He just doesn’t seem to care. I feel like he’s hoping to always fly under the radar. By the way, I don’t nag about it either. I talk about the physical aspect maybe once every four months or so.

He likes to kiss me when he gets home from work or to say goodnight. He’ll put his arm around me or hold my hand. But I started pulling away from this affection last year. It just felt fake. Like we were just playing marriage. So, he has stopped touching me and I don’t blame him. But now I feel like I’m getting some sort of touch deprivation. If someone at church hugs me, I nearly cry.

The past five years have been excruciating for me. More than once I told him we might have to separate once the kids are grown because I need to escape this pain. We’ve both cried during these discussions. I feel physical pain when I go into our bedroom because my loneliness is so deep. I’ve cried myself to sleep with him right next to me hundreds of times. I’ve tried going to bed at the same time hoping it would help. But he’s always asleep instantly. Now I stay up reading or watching a movie as late as I can every night just so that I know I’ll fall asleep quickly once I do go to bed. At this point, if we didn’t have kids at home, I’d sleep in a separate bedroom. I’ve slept on the couch many times.

I have tried to stay busy and distract myself. I have interests and friends. I don’t talk about my marriage to anyone and I don’t talk bad about him ever. I don’t even ask anyone at church to pray for me/our marriage because I’m intensely private and I would never want him to feel embarrassed.

He knows I’m in pain. I know he loves me and doesn’t want to be with anyone else. For me, I am constantly tempted in my mind. I want to be loved and to make love. There is this enormous aspect of humanity that is now denied me. But I know God hates divorce. I don’t even want to divorce him. I just don’t know how to survive going on this way. I love him. I also resent him. At this point, I wouldn’t even know what to do if he tried to have sex with me. It would feel foreign.

Earlier in our marriage, there were a few times I couldn’t or didn’t want to have sex (Postpartum/menstrual cramps). I pleased him anyway, because I loved him. Why doesn’t he love me enough to do the same for me? If my parts were broken, I wouldn’t condemn him to celibacy. But that’s what he’s done to me.

I love God. I’ve prayed. But I can’t force my husband to change. I’ve said nasty things in anger. I’ve even told him I was tempted to cheat. He has no response or tells me he doesn’t blame me. His apathy is excruciating.

How do I survive this?? Has anyone out there seen their marriage come back from this state?

 

[Sabertooth]

It is bad and there is no easy fix (until your spouse gets on board).

You may want to look at The Marriage Bed forum to discuss this topic in depth.

 

[LoveGodsWord]

I’m completely new here and not even sure I’m posting in the right place.

Today, I decided to join this site just so that I can see if there is someone out there to talk to. Or if someone can understand and offer insight. I’ve never even used a forum, though I’ve read MANY on this topic over the years. But my heart is in my throat and each day I feel like I can’t breathe.

My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We’re in our early 40s. Our marriage has become sexless. As of right now, we’ve had sex ONCE in the past seven months. Last year, I think it was three times total. I honestly feel like this is killing me.

I have always had a high sex drive. In our 20s, my husband’s drive matched mine. But even five years into marriage, we started having discussions about me needing to have sex more as frequency was starting to wane. Back then, I could turn him on even if he was tired. I would prefer to have sex daily, but I’ve always accepted (no other choice) that he doesn’t want it that often. I have been the primary initiator for at least ten years.

My husband is not gay, not having an affair, and not viewing porn. He’s a devoted provider for our family, kind, aims to please, and works hard inside and outside of our home. He’s a good father too.

I am not ugly and have not let myself go. I believe I am still attractive to him. I am passionate and sensual and creative in the bedroom. He has told me this himself many times. I’m not a narcissist, I’m just trying to sum up the situation. I make him laugh a lot too. Together, we enjoy hiking, camping, surfing, and foraging, etc.

He has never been good at being emotionally vulnerable and recognizes that. So, he has a hard time being truly intimate.

I believe that from stress he started to lose his libido a few years ago. We’ve talked very openly about it. He has also started to experience some ED. I believe it is 20% physical and 80% psychological. I think he is so stuck in his head about it now that he’s trapped.

I am a super open communicator and I’ve initiated a lot of discussions about this that seemed to ease tension at the time. I’m an herbalist and he wants to take the medicines I make — when he’s out, he asks me to make more. I’ve researched and offered things that could help with his overall health and he’s very willing with those things. We’ve addressed possible depression. I’ve told him that he doesn’t have to perform in the bedroom for me and that we can have fun and enjoy being close and just touching each other. We’ve laughed and cried over it. I’ve told him how it makes me feel and he’s vowed to work on it. But...he never does.

I’ve helped him set up doctor’s appointments, and suggested therapy. He’s gone to the doctor three times now and discussed ED and low libido. Doctors tell him to eat better and exercise. He just doesn’t. He’s not completely impotent either — just not functioning at 100%. I think his physical lack of sexual desire overrides his overall momentum. He just doesn’t seem to care. I feel like he’s hoping to always fly under the radar. By the way, I don’t nag about it either. I talk about the physical aspect maybe once every four months or so.

He likes to kiss me when he gets home from work or to say goodnight. He’ll put his arm around me or hold my hand. But I started pulling away from this affection last year. It just felt fake. Like we were just playing marriage. So, he has stopped touching me and I don’t blame him. But now I feel like I’m getting some sort of touch deprivation. If someone at church hugs me, I nearly cry.

The past five years have been excruciating for me. More than once I told him we might have to separate once the kids are grown because I need to escape this pain. We’ve both cried during these discussions. I feel physical pain when I go into our bedroom because my loneliness is so deep. I’ve cried myself to sleep with him right next to me hundreds of times. I’ve tried going to bed at the same time hoping it would help. But he’s always asleep instantly. Now I stay up reading or watching a movie as late as I can every night just so that I know I’ll fall asleep quickly once I do go to bed. At this point, if we didn’t have kids at home, I’d sleep in a separate bedroom. I’ve slept on the couch many times.

I have tried to stay busy and distract myself. I have interests and friends. I don’t talk about my marriage to anyone and I don’t talk bad about him ever. I don’t even ask anyone at church to pray for me/our marriage because I’m intensely private and I would never want him to feel embarrassed.

He knows I’m in pain. I know he loves me and doesn’t want to be with anyone else. For me, I am constantly tempted in my mind. I want to be loved and to make love. There is this enormous aspect of humanity that is now denied me. But I know God hates divorce. I don’t even want to divorce him. I just don’t know how to survive going on this way. I love him. I also resent him. At this point, I wouldn’t even know what to do if he tried to have sex with me. It would feel foreign.

Earlier in our marriage, there were a few times I couldn’t or didn’t want to have sex (Postpartum/menstrual cramps). I pleased him anyway, because I loved him. Why doesn’t he love me enough to do the same for me? If my parts were broken, I wouldn’t condemn him to celibacy. But that’s what he’s done to me.

I love God. I’ve prayed. But I can’t force my husband to change. I’ve said nasty things in anger. I’ve even told him I was tempted to cheat. He has no response or tells me he doesn’t blame me. His apathy is excruciating.

How do I survive this?? Has anyone out there seen their marriage come back from this state?

Hi I can understand your feeling here. Perhaps some medication from the doctors might help such as Viagra. Of course I also believe a healthy lifestyle including a good diet, exercise, getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, fresh air etc.. are all important to physical function of our bodies. With the above making God our highest priority with much prayer and faith is most important.

God bless

 

[spiritfilledjm]

I'm 35 and my sex drive has been down for quite a few years. It just happens over time ultimately but, as stated above, pills may help if it is indeed medical and not just due to lack of interest...which can also be caused by medical issues relating to the issue at hand. If a guy can't quite perform then he may just mentally stop wanting it, but if he actually talks to his doctor and lets him know if he is having issues then the doctor can prescribe him something that will help with it all and there we go.

 

[ripple the car]

What about marital counseling? This is an important issue, and it needs to be addressed. A counselor might be able to hear what you’ve said to us, and communicate it back to him in a way he can understand.

Edit; after reading some of the posts above from guys, yeah, seeing a doctor might not be a bad idea for him. If it’s physical, he can get help for that. If it’s emotional, well, a counselor can help figure that out, too.

 

[ripple the car]

He likes to kiss me when he gets home from work or to say goodnight. He’ll put his arm around me or hold my hand. But I started pulling away from this affection last year. It just felt fake. Like we were just playing marriage. So, he has stopped touching me and I don’t blame him. But now I feel like I’m getting some sort of touch deprivation. If someone at church hugs me, I nearly cry.

Ok, right here. You guys need to stay physically affectionate in some way. You need to hug, kiss, hold hands, something. That amount of physical separation and distance is unhealthy, and can make the emotional aspect 1,000 times worse. Stay huggy. That’ll help you guys stay connected and loving even if you’re not having sex. Because the more aloof you guys get, the tougher any kind of connection will be. And the distance physically can work on the mind, too.

 

[pdudgeon]

What you are going thru is not a normal part of marriage.
And yes, there could well be physical reasons as well as mental and emotional reasons that this is happening.
What your husband needs is a full physical first of all, to determine if he is physically healthy.
Secondly he needs some extensive mental health counseling to determine when in his life this choice not to have sex started, and what influences he was under at that time.
And yes, facing and finding the answer to those questions will probably be extremely painful for him. That's one reason why he could be resisting.
On the other hand, when he does find the answer, it will give him a real choice in his life, and also a freedom that he may not have felt for a long, long time.
It will take some time, some emotional healing, and lots of courage to work thru, for both of you.
But knowing truth is better by far than the suffering that both of you are enduring now.
Finding that truth will help greatly in his healing.
It is the first step towards the full life, the whole, healed, confident life that he was meant to have and enjoy as a man.
As always, that choice to pursue or not to pursue the truth, is his to make.
Our prayers go with you both.

 

[BobRyan]

I’m completely new here and not even sure I’m posting in the right place.

Today, I decided to join this site just so that I can see if there is someone out there to talk to. Or if someone can understand and offer insight. I’ve never even used a forum, though I’ve read MANY on this topic over the years. But my heart is in my throat and each day I feel like I can’t breathe.

In men hormone levels decrease with age and there are medications that his doctor can order similar to Viagra that address that issue. There are also foods that help increase "NO" (Nitric oxide) production.

Endothelial cells in the blood vessel wall lining produces nitric oxide normally - and that affects the entire body. But a high fat high cholesterol diet for decades damages the Endothelium. However it is reversible and can be assisted with medication while that process of healing is ongoing.

 

[chevyontheriver]

I’m completely new here and not even sure I’m posting in the right place.

Today, I decided to join this site just so that I can see if there is someone out there to talk to. Or if someone can understand and offer insight. I’ve never even used a forum, though I’ve read MANY on this topic over the years. But my heart is in my throat and each day I feel like I can’t breathe.

My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We’re in our early 40s. Our marriage has become sexless. As of right now, we’ve had sex ONCE in the past seven months. Last year, I think it was three times total. I honestly feel like this is killing me.

I have always had a high sex drive. In our 20s, my husband’s drive matched mine. But even five years into marriage, we started having discussions about me needing to have sex more as frequency was starting to wane. Back then, I could turn him on even if he was tired. I would prefer to have sex daily, but I’ve always accepted (no other choice) that he doesn’t want it that often. I have been the primary initiator for at least ten years.

My husband is not gay, not having an affair, and not viewing porn. He’s a devoted provider for our family, kind, aims to please, and works hard inside and outside of our home. He’s a good father too.

I am not ugly and have not let myself go. I believe I am still attractive to him. I am passionate and sensual and creative in the bedroom. He has told me this himself many times. I’m not a narcissist, I’m just trying to sum up the situation. I make him laugh a lot too. Together, we enjoy hiking, camping, surfing, and foraging, etc.

He has never been good at being emotionally vulnerable and recognizes that. So, he has a hard time being truly intimate.

I believe that from stress he started to lose his libido a few years ago. We’ve talked very openly about it. He has also started to experience some ED. I believe it is 20% physical and 80% psychological. I think he is so stuck in his head about it now that he’s trapped.

I am a super open communicator and I’ve initiated a lot of discussions about this that seemed to ease tension at the time. I’m an herbalist and he wants to take the medicines I make — when he’s out, he asks me to make more. I’ve researched and offered things that could help with his overall health and he’s very willing with those things. We’ve addressed possible depression. I’ve told him that he doesn’t have to perform in the bedroom for me and that we can have fun and enjoy being close and just touching each other. We’ve laughed and cried over it. I’ve told him how it makes me feel and he’s vowed to work on it. But...he never does.

I’ve helped him set up doctor’s appointments, and suggested therapy. He’s gone to the doctor three times now and discussed ED and low libido. Doctors tell him to eat better and exercise. He just doesn’t. He’s not completely impotent either — just not functioning at 100%. I think his physical lack of sexual desire overrides his overall momentum. He just doesn’t seem to care. I feel like he’s hoping to always fly under the radar. By the way, I don’t nag about it either. I talk about the physical aspect maybe once every four months or so.

He likes to kiss me when he gets home from work or to say goodnight. He’ll put his arm around me or hold my hand. But I started pulling away from this affection last year. It just felt fake. Like we were just playing marriage. So, he has stopped touching me and I don’t blame him. But now I feel like I’m getting some sort of touch deprivation. If someone at church hugs me, I nearly cry.

The past five years have been excruciating for me. More than once I told him we might have to separate once the kids are grown because I need to escape this pain. We’ve both cried during these discussions. I feel physical pain when I go into our bedroom because my loneliness is so deep. I’ve cried myself to sleep with him right next to me hundreds of times. I’ve tried going to bed at the same time hoping it would help. But he’s always asleep instantly. Now I stay up reading or watching a movie as late as I can every night just so that I know I’ll fall asleep quickly once I do go to bed. At this point, if we didn’t have kids at home, I’d sleep in a separate bedroom. I’ve slept on the couch many times.

I have tried to stay busy and distract myself. I have interests and friends. I don’t talk about my marriage to anyone and I don’t talk bad about him ever. I don’t even ask anyone at church to pray for me/our marriage because I’m intensely private and I would never want him to feel embarrassed.

He knows I’m in pain. I know he loves me and doesn’t want to be with anyone else. For me, I am constantly tempted in my mind. I want to be loved and to make love. There is this enormous aspect of humanity that is now denied me. But I know God hates divorce. I don’t even want to divorce him. I just don’t know how to survive going on this way. I love him. I also resent him. At this point, I wouldn’t even know what to do if he tried to have sex with me. It would feel foreign.

Earlier in our marriage, there were a few times I couldn’t or didn’t want to have sex (Postpartum/menstrual cramps). I pleased him anyway, because I loved him. Why doesn’t he love me enough to do the same for me? If my parts were broken, I wouldn’t condemn him to celibacy. But that’s what he’s done to me.

I love God. I’ve prayed. But I can’t force my husband to change. I’ve said nasty things in anger. I’ve even told him I was tempted to cheat. He has no response or tells me he doesn’t blame me. His apathy is excruciating.

How do I survive this?? Has anyone out there seen their marriage come back from this state?

You mentioned he was stressed and tired. Does he have sleep issues? A sleep clinic could be in order. Just possibly.

 

[Jeshu]

Put your hope in Jesus and bring Him all the bad life you are, and have been experiencing about this, keep doing that for as long as it takes Jesus to build you into His loving truth in this part of your life.

Honestly Jesus can completely rebuild you in your sexuality, where your sexuality doesn't bring you bad life, as it is now, but His good life, even if you are physically deprived.

i think your husband is feeling bad about his performance and this is making things a lot worse. Him ignoring you while he knows how much you love to be with him is a very bad sign. He is letting his inner bad life control his actions, that is why things are going the way they are.

Your husband needs to understand that laying his life down for you also means doing things he may not feel like doing at first, but that God's good life always grows in our hearts when we obey The Word in deed.

To let God's love put bad life to death in your heart, and in his heart, is where you are really after.

Good Christian counselling can help you and him too, but ultimately it is God's loving truth growing in your and your husbands heart that can fix this between the two of you.

This is the truth both of you want to have life in.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Peace.

 

[Ana83]

It is bad and there is no easy fix (until your spouse gets on board).

You may want to look at The Marriage Bed forum to discuss this topic in depth.

Thank you so much for linking that forum.

 

[tall73]

I’m completely new here and not even sure I’m posting in the right place.

Today, I decided to join this site just so that I can see if there is someone out there to talk to. Or if someone can understand and offer insight. I’ve never even used a forum, though I’ve read MANY on this topic over the years. But my heart is in my throat and each day I feel like I can’t breathe.

My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We’re in our early 40s. Our marriage has become sexless. As of right now, we’ve had sex ONCE in the past seven months. Last year, I think it was three times total. I honestly feel like this is killing me.

I have always had a high sex drive. In our 20s, my husband’s drive matched mine. But even five years into marriage, we started having discussions about me needing to have sex more as frequency was starting to wane. Back then, I could turn him on even if he was tired. I would prefer to have sex daily, but I’ve always accepted (no other choice) that he doesn’t want it that often. I have been the primary initiator for at least ten years.

My husband is not gay, not having an affair, and not viewing porn. He’s a devoted provider for our family, kind, aims to please, and works hard inside and outside of our home. He’s a good father too.

I am not ugly and have not let myself go. I believe I am still attractive to him. I am passionate and sensual and creative in the bedroom. He has told me this himself many times. I’m not a narcissist, I’m just trying to sum up the situation. I make him laugh a lot too. Together, we enjoy hiking, camping, surfing, and foraging, etc.

He has never been good at being emotionally vulnerable and recognizes that. So, he has a hard time being truly intimate.

I believe that from stress he started to lose his libido a few years ago. We’ve talked very openly about it. He has also started to experience some ED. I believe it is 20% physical and 80% psychological. I think he is so stuck in his head about it now that he’s trapped.

I am a super open communicator and I’ve initiated a lot of discussions about this that seemed to ease tension at the time. I’m an herbalist and he wants to take the medicines I make — when he’s out, he asks me to make more. I’ve researched and offered things that could help with his overall health and he’s very willing with those things. We’ve addressed possible depression. I’ve told him that he doesn’t have to perform in the bedroom for me and that we can have fun and enjoy being close and just touching each other. We’ve laughed and cried over it. I’ve told him how it makes me feel and he’s vowed to work on it. But...he never does.

I’ve helped him set up doctor’s appointments, and suggested therapy. He’s gone to the doctor three times now and discussed ED and low libido. Doctors tell him to eat better and exercise. He just doesn’t. He’s not completely impotent either — just not functioning at 100%. I think his physical lack of sexual desire overrides his overall momentum. He just doesn’t seem to care. I feel like he’s hoping to always fly under the radar. By the way, I don’t nag about it either. I talk about the physical aspect maybe once every four months or so.

He likes to kiss me when he gets home from work or to say goodnight. He’ll put his arm around me or hold my hand. But I started pulling away from this affection last year. It just felt fake. Like we were just playing marriage. So, he has stopped touching me and I don’t blame him. But now I feel like I’m getting some sort of touch deprivation. If someone at church hugs me, I nearly cry.

The past five years have been excruciating for me. More than once I told him we might have to separate once the kids are grown because I need to escape this pain. We’ve both cried during these discussions. I feel physical pain when I go into our bedroom because my loneliness is so deep. I’ve cried myself to sleep with him right next to me hundreds of times. I’ve tried going to bed at the same time hoping it would help. But he’s always asleep instantly. Now I stay up reading or watching a movie as late as I can every night just so that I know I’ll fall asleep quickly once I do go to bed. At this point, if we didn’t have kids at home, I’d sleep in a separate bedroom. I’ve slept on the couch many times.

I have tried to stay busy and distract myself. I have interests and friends. I don’t talk about my marriage to anyone and I don’t talk bad about him ever. I don’t even ask anyone at church to pray for me/our marriage because I’m intensely private and I would never want him to feel embarrassed.

He knows I’m in pain. I know he loves me and doesn’t want to be with anyone else. For me, I am constantly tempted in my mind. I want to be loved and to make love. There is this enormous aspect of humanity that is now denied me. But I know God hates divorce. I don’t even want to divorce him. I just don’t know how to survive going on this way. I love him. I also resent him. At this point, I wouldn’t even know what to do if he tried to have sex with me. It would feel foreign.

Earlier in our marriage, there were a few times I couldn’t or didn’t want to have sex (Postpartum/menstrual cramps). I pleased him anyway, because I loved him. Why doesn’t he love me enough to do the same for me? If my parts were broken, I wouldn’t condemn him to celibacy. But that’s what he’s done to me.

I love God. I’ve prayed. But I can’t force my husband to change. I’ve said nasty things in anger. I’ve even told him I was tempted to cheat. He has no response or tells me he doesn’t blame me. His apathy is excruciating.

How do I survive this?? Has anyone out there seen their marriage come back from this state?

You said you love God. How has your spiritual life been lately? Are you seeing the resentment you mention creep into your spiritual life? How is his spiritual life? Has it declined with the closeness in your marriage?

When you say he was never good at emotional intimacy, what do you mean? Did you seek that out elsewhere?

Some marriages have ups and downs in this regard. But it sounds like this has gone beyond that point for some time. It will likely not improve without some therapy intervention.

This next part may have some guesses that miss the mark, but are possibilities based on what you said so far.

The request for more frequent sex early on has likely built a reaction on his part of reluctance to eventual shut down. This is made worse by him knowing you want sexual activity, and that he is not providing it. And at this point he may consider any mention of the topic or suggestion of the activity to be off-putting. It is the part of the relationship that just won't work and he may not know how to make it work.

Based on what you said about initiating, exciting him when he was tired, etc. is it also possible that there were activities you were requesting that he did not want to do or felt he should not do? Did you ever talk him into something he refused initially?

While you report working through difficulties when he desired sex, and many people do this, having sex when initially they are not in the mood, for some this can cause resentment and turn them off from future activities if it is not done without compulsion. Did he ever report feeling like he gave in to have sex when he really did not want to?

At the same time you have wanted to have connection and put yourself out there by being the initiator, and therefore have had time after time of rejection for years now. And as a result you have backed off even what he was offering (hugs, etc.) due to resentment. That is why therapy is likely needed. Both of you need a way to reset the distance and resentment, and sometimes a therapist can walk you through that.

You are in a difficult place, and it can impact your confidence, view of yourself, etc. But you also need to be on guard to not use this as an excuse to allow your thoughts free reign. It is natural to want sex, and connection, and in marriage it is expected. But you are still responsible for how you handle thoughts of infidelity, etc.

Another thing to consider, were these thoughts of temptation something you indulged even when sex was more frequent in the early years? In other words, when you were having sex frequently with your husband was that satisfying to you in that regard, or were you still having stray thoughts? If you were satisfied, then that is good, and what is intended.

If not then you may also have to deal with the reality that if you are not content even with frequent sex then there is something in your nature driving that which you have to address spiritually and emotionally. The scriptures reference some who have a continual lust for more in the sexual realm. And if that is the case it has gone beyond relational closeness to an unhealthy need. In that situation pressure for your husband to meet that, which he ultimately cold not, may have played a role.

Also, you mentioned he was not engaging in an affair, or porn. I am guessing you have ways of knowing this. But have you been engaging in porn? If so was he aware of this? That also could be a turn off.

If he is willing to get counseling you would probably benefit from Christian counseling from someone who is qualified to deal with these issues. If he is not then you may need to go on your own to deal the resentment, and the temptations you are reporting. Those can both kill your marriage and your spiritual life over time.

You mentioned stress. Have there been major changes in stress level in the years of decline you mentioned?

What does his daily schedule look like? What does yours look like?

If he still responds at all to the conversations you might try going through this checklist separately, then compare notes. This is based on previous conversations in the married section of the forum here. This topic comes up in one form or another often. Some from what you already said won't apply, and some you already mentioned do apply. However, I will leave them in for lurkers who often deal with similar issues.

Sometimes looking at possibilities can give a place to start.


-Abuse
-Anxiety about sex
-Bad relationship in general, fighting, bullying, lack of communication, resentment, sex used as bargaining chip, etc.
- Child birth (late pregnancy, immediately after child birth, nursing, etc. can all play a role, fear of child birth)
-Dissatisfaction with particulars, lack of know-how or technique
-Drugs, prescription or otherwise
-Erection difficulty
-Guilt over previous sexual activity
-Hormone levels
-Ingrained teaching that sex is wrong or dirty
- Lack of attraction
- Lack of sleep
- Lack of nutrition
- Mental Health (depression, PTSD or trauma, Anxiety Disorder, etc., )
- Mourning loss (sometimes of a child).
- Never had drive
- Obesity (impact on libido, also body image)
-Pain during sex
- Physical damage to mechanism
-Physical limitations (weight, disability, sickness)
- Pornography
-Premature [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]
-Pressure to do particular, unwanted activities
- Resentment over comparison to previous partners, or comments denigrating sexual performance, etc.
- Sexual or emotional attachments outside of marriage (cheating, or excessive masturbation, etc.)
-Stress (new children in home, busy work schedule, over-commitment in time)
-Religious convictions that sex is wrong or dirty
- Waiting to have sex until marriage and "turned off" drive

 

[SabbathBlessings]

I’m completely new here and not even sure I’m posting in the right place.

Today, I decided to join this site just so that I can see if there is someone out there to talk to. Or if someone can understand and offer insight. I’ve never even used a forum, though I’ve read MANY on this topic over the years. But my heart is in my throat and each day I feel like I can’t breathe.

My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We’re in our early 40s. Our marriage has become sexless. As of right now, we’ve had sex ONCE in the past seven months. Last year, I think it was three times total. I honestly feel like this is killing me.

I have always had a high sex drive. In our 20s, my husband’s drive matched mine. But even five years into marriage, we started having discussions about me needing to have sex more as frequency was starting to wane. Back then, I could turn him on even if he was tired. I would prefer to have sex daily, but I’ve always accepted (no other choice) that he doesn’t want it that often. I have been the primary initiator for at least ten years.

My husband is not gay, not having an affair, and not viewing porn. He’s a devoted provider for our family, kind, aims to please, and works hard inside and outside of our home. He’s a good father too.

I am not ugly and have not let myself go. I believe I am still attractive to him. I am passionate and sensual and creative in the bedroom. He has told me this himself many times. I’m not a narcissist, I’m just trying to sum up the situation. I make him laugh a lot too. Together, we enjoy hiking, camping, surfing, and foraging, etc.

He has never been good at being emotionally vulnerable and recognizes that. So, he has a hard time being truly intimate.

I believe that from stress he started to lose his libido a few years ago. We’ve talked very openly about it. He has also started to experience some ED. I believe it is 20% physical and 80% psychological. I think he is so stuck in his head about it now that he’s trapped.

I am a super open communicator and I’ve initiated a lot of discussions about this that seemed to ease tension at the time. I’m an herbalist and he wants to take the medicines I make — when he’s out, he asks me to make more. I’ve researched and offered things that could help with his overall health and he’s very willing with those things. We’ve addressed possible depression. I’ve told him that he doesn’t have to perform in the bedroom for me and that we can have fun and enjoy being close and just touching each other. We’ve laughed and cried over it. I’ve told him how it makes me feel and he’s vowed to work on it. But...he never does.

I’ve helped him set up doctor’s appointments, and suggested therapy. He’s gone to the doctor three times now and discussed ED and low libido. Doctors tell him to eat better and exercise. He just doesn’t. He’s not completely impotent either — just not functioning at 100%. I think his physical lack of sexual desire overrides his overall momentum. He just doesn’t seem to care. I feel like he’s hoping to always fly under the radar. By the way, I don’t nag about it either. I talk about the physical aspect maybe once every four months or so.

He likes to kiss me when he gets home from work or to say goodnight. He’ll put his arm around me or hold my hand. But I started pulling away from this affection last year. It just felt fake. Like we were just playing marriage. So, he has stopped touching me and I don’t blame him. But now I feel like I’m getting some sort of touch deprivation. If someone at church hugs me, I nearly cry.

The past five years have been excruciating for me. More than once I told him we might have to separate once the kids are grown because I need to escape this pain. We’ve both cried during these discussions. I feel physical pain when I go into our bedroom because my loneliness is so deep. I’ve cried myself to sleep with him right next to me hundreds of times. I’ve tried going to bed at the same time hoping it would help. But he’s always asleep instantly. Now I stay up reading or watching a movie as late as I can every night just so that I know I’ll fall asleep quickly once I do go to bed. At this point, if we didn’t have kids at home, I’d sleep in a separate bedroom. I’ve slept on the couch many times.

I have tried to stay busy and distract myself. I have interests and friends. I don’t talk about my marriage to anyone and I don’t talk bad about him ever. I don’t even ask anyone at church to pray for me/our marriage because I’m intensely private and I would never want him to feel embarrassed.

He knows I’m in pain. I know he loves me and doesn’t want to be with anyone else. For me, I am constantly tempted in my mind. I want to be loved and to make love. There is this enormous aspect of humanity that is now denied me. But I know God hates divorce. I don’t even want to divorce him. I just don’t know how to survive going on this way. I love him. I also resent him. At this point, I wouldn’t even know what to do if he tried to have sex with me. It would feel foreign.

Earlier in our marriage, there were a few times I couldn’t or didn’t want to have sex (Postpartum/menstrual cramps). I pleased him anyway, because I loved him. Why doesn’t he love me enough to do the same for me? If my parts were broken, I wouldn’t condemn him to celibacy. But that’s what he’s done to me.

I love God. I’ve prayed. But I can’t force my husband to change. I’ve said nasty things in anger. I’ve even told him I was tempted to cheat. He has no response or tells me he doesn’t blame me. His apathy is excruciating.

How do I survive this?? Has anyone out there seen their marriage come back from this state?

I am sorry you are going through this. Here are my thoughts reading your very well-written post.

It sounds like he might be feeling the pressure of sex that might be having the opposite effect you are hoping for. Have you tried setting up a day doing things that he enjoys and trying to connect in a more emotional way without the pressure of sex? Maybe try this a couple of times so he knows you love him for him and so he won't feel pressured. Just throwing out ideas. A marriage should have regularly intimacy, personally everyday seems like more of a chore and more about the act, but not having sex regularly when married is not good.

It does sound like you might need couples counseling and individual counseling and this might be the only way to get through this with your marriage intact. I would try to select a Christian therapist who has experience with intimacy issues.

I wish you the best and God bless!

 

[mama2one]

he's gone to Dr 3X and Dr just says eat better and exercise?

being in 40s - has his testosterone been checked?
find him another Doctor

once a man has experienced ED, that does get in his head
hopefully, he can find a Dr who will actually help him

 

[aiki]

He knows I’m in pain. I know he loves me and doesn’t want to be with anyone else. For me, I am constantly tempted in my mind. I want to be loved and to make love. There is this enormous aspect of humanity that is now denied me. But I know God hates divorce. I don’t even want to divorce him. I just don’t know how to survive going on this way. I love him. I also resent him. At this point, I wouldn’t even know what to do if he tried to have sex with me. It would feel foreign.

Earlier in our marriage, there were a few times I couldn’t or didn’t want to have sex (Postpartum/menstrual cramps). I pleased him anyway, because I loved him. Why doesn’t he love me enough to do the same for me? If my parts were broken, I wouldn’t condemn him to celibacy. But that’s what he’s done to me.

I love God. I’ve prayed. But I can’t force my husband to change. I’ve said nasty things in anger. I’ve even told him I was tempted to cheat. He has no response or tells me he doesn’t blame me. His apathy is excruciating.

How do I survive this?? Has anyone out there seen their marriage come back from this state?

So, if your husband had been injured or contracted a disease that prevented normal sexual relations, what would you have done? Just how important is sex to marriage? What does God, the Maker of sex, say? Does He make a big deal of sex in His word? Is it, in His view, a must-have? You need to eat; you need to sleep; you need to drink water; you need shelter and clothing. But sex? No. How long could you go without water but having all the sex you liked? Two days, maybe. How long could you last never eating but having lots and lots of sex? Maybe a week, ten days, tops. Now turn this around: If you could eat and drink as much as you liked but never had sex again, how long could you live? Days? A week? Many decades, actually. How is it, then, that we have taken up this notion that sex is as vital - for some, perhaps more so - than the truly essential things of life? This view of sex, and the variations of it that Christians adopt, is the World's view, not God's.

Now, of course, the World will disagree vehemently. But its perspective isn't fundamentally spiritual, as God calls His children's perspective to be. No, the World is all about the flesh, about the natural rather than the supernatural, about the body and its impulses and drives, and satisfying them as fully and frequently as possible. Simply look around you at the sex-mad World you live in. I go to the mall (though very rarely these days and always in the company of my wife) and in the windows of shops may see twelve-foot high images of women in their skivvies, staring sensuously at me; I drive down the road and pass billboards displaying women in skimpy bathing suits, their bottoms largely exposed, breasts bulging out of what little fabric contains them; the constant, sexual drumbeat of t.v. is grotesque and overt these days, and so on. One Christian researcher has called this stuff "ambient pornography", a sort of wide-spread saturation of the environment with overtly sexual images.

When the Christian gives attention to the World's way, particularly to its preoccupation with sex, they must necessarily move away from the fundamentally spiritual, self-sacrificing way in which God has commanded them to live.

Matthew 16:24-25
24 Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.
25 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

John 12:23-26
23 And Jesus answered them, saying, The hour is come, that the Son of man should be glorified.
24 Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abides alone: but if it die, it brings forth much fruit.
25 He who loves his life shall lose it; and he that hates his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal.
26 If any man serve me, let him follow me; and where I am, there shall also my servant be: if any man serve me, him will my Father honour.

And when the Christian does this, dissatisfaction in some measure is always the result; for God never intended that His children should find satisfaction or fulfillment in the things of the flesh, but in Himself. The flesh is never fully satisfied; the more it is fed, the hungrier it gets. Ask any addict.

Romans 8:5-8
5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.
6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.
7 For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot.
8 Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

Galatians 5:16-24
16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.
17 For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.
18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality,
20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions,
21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

Galatians 6:7-8
7 Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.
8 For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.

The sex drive is powerful. And the more it is attended to, the more one focuses upon it, the more powerful it grows. And the more the sexual impulse grips one, the more it directs one's thinking and behaviour, even to the point of destruction of oneself, one's marriage, and one's relationship with one's Maker. This is the way of the flesh, though: More, more, more. Which is why it is so vital that the child of God be under God's control all day, every day.

Romans 12:1-2
1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.
2 And be not conformed to this world: but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Romans 8:14
14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the children of God.

James 4:4-10
4 You adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.
5 Or do you think that the Scripture speaks to no purpose: "He jealously desires the Spirit which He has made to dwell in us"?
6 But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, "GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE."
7 Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
9 Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom.
10 Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.

Romans 6:12-13
12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts,
13 and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God.

Under His control, the flesh is put in its proper place and one discovers that God is far more fully and deeply fulfilling than sex could ever be; He actually satisfies - not just temporarily, as the sex act does - giving joy, peace and rest where sex only ultimately provokes more hunger, a never-ending pursuit of the next moment of fleshly gratification.

If one tells oneself that sex is a must-have, that life is impossible, unhealthy, unnatural without sex, one is speaking after the manner of the World, not God. Yes, normally, sex is a part of married life - a very good part, to be sure - but it is not an essential; again, just ask the man whose wife is dying of cancer; or the woman whose husband has been in a car accident and now spends his days in a wheelchair, paralyzed from the neck down.

To your situation more specifically I would offer the following:

The more you pressurize the sexual dimension of your marriage, the more your man may attempt to de-pressurize it by relegating it to the margin of your relationship, increasingly treating it as insignificant the more you elevate its importance. He may be trying to lower your expectations so that he can actually meet them - especially if there is a natural distinct difference in libido between you.

If there is one sure killer of healthy sexual relations between a couple, it is porn. Even "ambient porn" can have a stultifying effect on marital relations, unwanted images encountered in the environment of impossibly beautiful, near-nude woman intruding upon a man's mind when he's with his wife, creating dissatisfaction and guilt, both of which stifle sexual desire. And if a man is lured by ambient porn into more direct, active pursuit of porn, it will shut down sex - normal, healthy sex, anyway - within a marriage. Many is the man, evidencing the traits of a porn addict, who has stridently denied ever looking at porn only to be later discovered to be an addict.

Staying fit, staying healthy - especially if one is not big on fitness to begin with - gets more and more difficult as one ages. As I'm sure you know, being sedentary and overweight produces lethargy which, in turn, mutes sexual interest. But, you can't force your man to exercise. And if he is working unconsciously or consciously to diminish your expectations of him in the sexual area, it will be doubly difficult to prompt him to activity since he will interpret your promptings to fitness as just another form of sexual pressure.

Anyway, these are all hurdles to healthy marital sexuality that demonstrate why it is so vital that a husband and wife be under God's control. He can do things in a person's heart and mind that no human has any hope of doing, exposing the myriad expressions of natural human selfishness for what they are, enabling a person to act totally contrary to their natural inclinations, in self-sacrificing love laying down perceived rights, giving up comfort and ease, fleshly desires, even, for the sake of a spouse. Only God has the power to make us the selfless, Christ-honoring, eternally-focused people He intends all of His children to be which is why we must every day be submitted to Him, at every turn choosing to be under His control. As a husband and wife live together as such people, their marriage is the wonderful, incredibly-satisfying, spiritual union God intends for it to be. It is God's plan for marriage that a husband and wife meet Christ in each other. And the more they do, the sweeter, richer and deeper their marriage will be.

God, though, doesn't say to married couples, "Only if your spouse is Christ-like are you obliged to be so, too. Only if s/he sacrifices for you are you required to sacrifice for him/her." No, instead, He shows us by His own example on the cross of Calvary that real love, godly love, always costs - and costs a very great deal sometimes.

John 1:11
11 He came to His own, and those who were His own did not receive Him.

1 John 4:7-11
7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.
8 The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.
9 By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him.
10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

Philippians 2:5-8
5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus,
6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped,
7 but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men.
8 Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

On the far side of the cross, of dying to ourselves, is joy, peace, contentment with God Himself, the Creator of the Universe, who will show us, if we'll let Him, that He is better by far than the temporary gratifications of the flesh. In the example of Jesus, however, one can see the truth of the saying: "Love can't wait to give; lust can't wait to get."

 

[Joy]

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[Ana83]

I'm 35 and my sex drive has been down for quite a few years. It just happens over time ultimately but, as stated above, pills may help if it is indeed medical and not just due to lack of interest...which can also be caused by medical issues relating to the issue at hand. If a guy can't quite perform then he may just mentally stop wanting it, but if he actually talks to his doctor and lets him know if he is having issues then the doctor can prescribe him something that will help with it all and there we go.

He has talked to three doctors about it. He doesn’t want to go the pharmaceutical route for his overall health and I agree with him.

 

[Ana83]

What about marital counseling? This is an important issue, and it needs to be addressed. A counselor might be able to hear what you’ve said to us, and communicate it back to him in a way he can understand.

Edit; after reading some of the posts above from guys, yeah, seeing a doctor might not be a bad idea for him. If it’s physical, he can get help for that. If it’s emotional, well, a counselor can help figure that out, too.

I have suggested counseling once or twice, but I don’t want to pressure him.

 

[Ana83]

What you are going thru is not a normal part of marriage.
And yes, there could well be physical reasons as well as mental and emotional reasons that this is happening.
What your husband needs is a full physical first of all, to determine if he is physically healthy.
Secondly he needs some extensive mental health counseling to determine when in his life this choice not to have sex started, and what influences he was under at that time.
And yes, facing and finding the answer to those questions will probably be extremely painful for him. That's one reason why he could be resisting.
On the other hand, when he does find the answer, it will give him a real choice in his life, and also a freedom that he may not have felt for a long, long time.
It will take some time, some emotional healing, and lots of courage to work thru, for both of you.
But knowing truth is better by far than the suffering that both of you are enduring now.
Finding that truth will help greatly in his healing.
It is the first step towards the full life, the whole, healed, confident life that he was meant to have and enjoy as a man.
As always, that choice to pursue or not to pursue the truth, is his to make.
Our prayers go with you both.

Thank you. And I agree with you. I can’t force him to seek counseling though.

 

[spiritfilledjm]

He has talked to three doctors about it. He doesn’t want to go the pharmaceutical route for his overall health and I agree with him.

Understandable. Well, I pray that things get better but as you said in the response following mine, don't pressure him as that will lead to nothing but frustration and anger for both of you.