How to Stop Lusting After Other Women in a Christian Marriage?

[Guyfromni]

Hey all, 1st post for me on here so please be gentle I'm 30, been with my wife for 10 years, while I love her dearly I am in a constant struggle with lusting after other women, it is driving me crazy, so much so that last month I had made a decision that this wasn't fair on my wife and was thinking about leaving, but I have 2 children and didn't know what to do, I had so many unanswered questions, "Am I with the wrong woman?" "Do I leave?" etc etc so I did what I do in any time of crisis I prayed, I believe that when you pray in times of crisis god will respond you just have to be alert for the answers,

That was on a Saturday night, and as reliable as ever on Sunday I got my answer, The children were playing up and I said to my wife "Imagine having more kids, it would be a mad house" my wife responds, "My period is a month late" well my jaw dropped, we went and got a test kit and sure enough she is pregnant, so I think god has made it perfectly clear now that I am with the woman I am supposed to be with, and actually with this news of a new baby it has brought us closer together again as we where starting to drift but yet I still can't stop this lusting over other women, everywhere I look there is a beautiful woman I am attracted to, I know lusting over another woman is a sin but I just can't stop. Can someone please help or advise me.:o

 

[chaz345]

What do you define as lusting? As much as we'd like it to not be the case, men will always NOTICE an attractive woman walking by. That's not lust. It becomes lust when you start to entertain thoughts or dwell on what it would be like to be with her. Staring for a long time, while maybe not strictly lust, is probably also not good.

In either the case of actually lusting, or in the case of just noticing, I've found that it always helps to immediately pray for her. Pray that she knows or comes to know Jesus, and as strange as this one may sound, simply tell God what a good job he did when making her. Or that she's a beautiful on the inside to Him as she is on the outside.

 

[robinh500]

Agree with Chaz fully.

Even extend that prayer to her finding her husband and ask God to bless their marriage and protect it from outsiders. This usually works for me.

Blessings.

 

[Guyfromni]

Oh its full on lust, looking at them and thinking about them naked or what i'd like to do to them, definitely not Christian thoughts But thanks for the tip, I will try it out today

 

[chaz345]

Oh its full on lust, looking at them and thinking about them naked or what i'd like to do to them, definitely not Christian thoughts But thanks for the tip, I will try it out today

Ok well now the situation is a little more clear, maybe I can offer more constructive advice. I went where I did at first because there was something in your post that suggested to me that maybe you were operating under a very legalistic definition of lust. I guess I was wrong.

But let me ask this. Why did you equate your lusting with the possibility that you were married to the wrong woman? Even men married to their perfect mate, and even those married to women with supermodel looks can have lust issues, so who you are married to has little to no bearing on it. Since you've decided that God was telling you that she is the right one I guess that's not all that important other than to get to this point. I think our entire thinking about being married to the "right person" is deeply flawed. It is flawed because we get into this mode where when things aren't going well we decide it's because we didn't find the "right person". That is, at it's root basically focusing on the other person's flaws and your own needs, which is exactly backwards from nearly everything the Bible tells us. Are there sometimes people who simply should not be married? Sure, but in those cases we are usually talking about abuse or serious neglect or something along those lines. I guess what I'm gettin at is that even though you've decided that God was telling you to stay married, maybe you should try to abandon the very concept of the wrong person from your thinking. Sorry that doesn't offer much in terms of dealing with the lust but I do think it's somewhat relevant.

I'm going to ask a VERY personal question that you are free to answer or not, and if you want you can answer it privately too. Is your lusting confined to people in the real world, women you happen to pass by or do you have, or have you ever had any sort of issue with porn use? I'm asking because the two are often connected. Even if you had an issue with porn in the past, that past can still be affecting your thinking today.

 

[Guyfromni]

Ok well now the situation is a little more clear, maybe I can offer more constructive advice. I went where I did at first because there was something in your post that suggested to me that maybe you were operating under a very legalistic definition of lust. I guess I was wrong.

But let me ask this. Why did you equate your lusting with the possibility that you were married to the wrong woman? Even men married to their perfect mate, and even those married to women with supermodel looks can have lust issues, so who you are married to has little to no bearing on it. Since you've decided that God was telling you that she is the right one I guess that's not all that important other than to get to this point. I think our entire thinking about being married to the "right person" is deeply flawed. It is flawed because we get into this mode where when things aren't going well we decide it's because we didn't find the "right person". That is, at it's root basically focusing on the other person's flaws and your own needs, which is exactly backwards from nearly everything the Bible tells us. Are there sometimes people who simply should not be married? Sure, but in those cases we are usually talking about abuse or serious neglect or something along those lines. I guess what I'm gettin at is that even though you've decided that God was telling you to stay married, maybe you should try to abandon the very concept of the wrong person from your thinking. Sorry that doesn't offer much in terms of dealing with the lust but I do think it's somewhat relevant.

I'm going to ask a VERY personal question that you are free to answer or not, and if you want you can answer it privately too. Is your lusting confined to people in the real world, women you happen to pass by or do you have, or have you ever had any sort of issue with porn use? I'm asking because the two are often connected. Even if you had an issue with porn in the past, that past can still be affecting your thinking today.

I do lust after real women in day to day life, but also look at porn, infact I have looked at porn ever since I was a teen, its now at the stage where it doesn't actually do anything for me but still look as force of habit.

 

[chaz345]

I do lust after real women in day to day life, but also look at porn, infact I have looked at porn ever since I was a teen, its now at the stage where it doesn't actually do anything for me but still look as force of habit.

Address the porn issue and the real life lust issue will be addressed too. Until you address the porn issue though, anything you do in trying to deal with the real life lust issue is pointless. This I know from personal experience.

 

[Texan40]

Address the porn issue and the real life lust issue will be addressed too. Until you address the porn issue though, anything you do in trying to deal with the real life lust issue is pointless. This I know from personal experience.

I will second this sentiment. You have "trained" your brain through porn for a long time without even knowing it. I still have daily struggles with seeing beautiful women (especially at the gym) and having fantasies pop into my head. I have to stop them willfully and if they pop back in I have to repeat this in prayer. I pray that eventually I will remove this from my mind and I know that if I trust God to heal it will eventually happen.

 

[Guyfromni]

Thanks all, I will tackle the porn issue, its something I've never attempted before because I never really saw it as a problem, I did it for so long, but now I can see what its doing.

 

[TrustingWife]

...god has made it perfectly clear now that I am with the woman I am supposed to be with, and actually with this news of a new baby it has brought us closer together

Thanks all, I will tackle the porn issue, its something I've never attempted before because I never really saw it as a problem, I did it for so long, but now I can see what its doing.

Congratulations! You are truly blessed.

 

[Romanseight2005]

I am wondering about something. Do you find your wife desirable? Or do you love her in a sisterly kind of way only? In other words, are in the the Madonna/harlot syndrome so to speak?

 

[Guyfromni]

I am wondering about something. Do you find your wife desirable? Or do you love her in a sisterly kind of way only? In other words, are in the the Madonna/harlot syndrome so to speak?

This will sound really bad on my part, I did at one time yeah when we met up, but after 2 kids etc she has piled on the weight, never takes pride in her appearance anymore etc, at the min its like a sisterly love, yes I know looks fade with age, but then again so does desire if the looks go.

 

[Romanseight2005]

This will sound really bad on my part, I did at one time yeah when we met up, but after 2 kids etc she has piled on the weight, never takes pride in her appearance anymore etc, at the min its like a sisterly love, yes I know looks fade with age, but then again so does desire if the looks go.

It is not God's will for you to lose desire for your wife. Pray that God will renew your desire for her, and ask Him to show you how to guard your heart. You have trained your mind through porn, and it has affected what you find alluring. Does that make sense? I recall a passage from a book where the author says that while he was freely lusting after any woman he saw, he thought his wife was fat. Later when he learned to guard his eyes and heart properly, he began to see his wife differently. What he once thought of as fat, was now cute, and alluring. Consider this passage of scripture. Look up each part in a concordance if you can, and pray that God will help you see your wife this way. I will be praying for you as well.
Prov 5:15-22

15 Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well.

16 Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets.

17 Let them be only thine own, and not strangers' with thee.

18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.

19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.

20 And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger?

21 For the ways of man are before the eyes of the LORD, and he pondereth all his goings.

22 His own iniquities shall take the wicked himself, and he shall be holden with the cords of his sins.
KJV

 

[Texan40]

Great advice and guidance, Romanseight2005. My wife is absolutely beautiful and has everything I could ever want but I wasn't seeing it for months at a time because I was distracted by porn. Guyfromni: love is the answer. [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], lust, quickening of the heart are by all secular standards evidence of being "in love" but by that standard heroin addicts are the most loving people on earth. It is easy to be fooled by your own body and mind (take it from one who knows) and lose sight of what is truly dear to your heart.
I know it's a tall order and will not necessarily happen overnight but stop looking over other women, stop watching porn, and especially stop masturbating. If your wife is still open to having sex with her then by all means love her and take your time. If not (as is my case unfortunately) then the desire for release will burn in you but ask God to help you overome it and do your level best to stay pure. Your feelings are like the wind and will blow this way and that... there's nothing you can do about it as it is our human condition. Don't give so much weight in your life and decisions to what you "feel" and rely on what you know to be True.

 

[Texan40]

This will sound really bad on my part, I did at one time yeah when we met up, but after 2 kids etc she has piled on the weight, never takes pride in her appearance anymore etc, at the min its like a sisterly love, yes I know looks fade with age, but then again so does desire if the looks go.

The inability to get past "looks" == "desire" is also a side-effect of long term porn exposure. There is nothing "real" about porn. It trains you to get stimulated by what it offers, which is lots of plastic and fantasy. It is very hard to break mental attitudes that have been cultivated for years on nonsense, but it is possible with God and patience. If you give it to God and you truly have a change of heart on the matter great things will happen for you.

 

[tiredwalker]

From a female point of view, if she knows you look at porn and other women (many of us can spot it a mile away, but don't make a deal out of it), it may make her wonder what the point of trying is. There is no way that she can make herself look like a 19 year old girl with implants and airbrushing. She just can't, especially after having children. She also can't be as fresh, new, and inviting as a pretty lady walking down the street. You've seen her and you know all of her. However, if you stop these things and force your focus on her and her good parts, she'll probably notice. Compliment her if she puts on a nice outfit or makeup or perfume, and it will encourage her to continue and do more.

Perhaps you could kick start the entire process by going away for a night or two. Tell her you feel like you've not been paying enough attention and you miss her (it's true, right?). Tell her to bring some nice clothes, take her out to dinner, and then take her back to a nice hotel. Once you guys get home, make sure that you keep up the pleasantries.

I'm not saying that you are a bad guy or that this all has to be on you, but I'm trying to give you suggestions for what you can do to encourage change on her part without saying, "Honey, I can't stop lusting after other women because you've gained weight and let yourself go." If you tap into her sexuality, she'll probably be more rearing to go and thus get you more excited and focused on her. Just a thought.

 

[chaz345]

This will sound really bad on my part, I did at one time yeah when we met up, but after 2 kids etc she has piled on the weight, never takes pride in her appearance anymore etc, at the min its like a sisterly love, yes I know looks fade with age, but then again so does desire if the looks go.

Having a physically attractive wife has little to do with one's struggle with lust. Look at Tiger Woods. On a purely physical attractiveness basis, most of the other women he was with are far less physically attractive than his wife.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I pray for forgiveness in this area, and grace. Sometimes when we constantly have in the back of our mind "you shouldn't do this" it doesn't help you not do it, as a matter of fact it can make it worse. It might help you be open with yourself about how you feel about your wife and the attractiveness or lack of attractiveness you feel towards her.. that coupled with the fact that she is pregnant again will only make her weight worse. Be honest about how you feel about her, and realize that being with these other woman is not an option... unless you have not settled that in your heart... and realize that entertaining thoughts of what you'd like to do with them is not going to help your feelings towards you wife or to alleviate the temptation... and in this area porn is not a good thing... it leaves one seeing things from a sexual perspective all the time. Try to think about your wife and what you'd like to do with her, even at her weight. Thinking about these other woman is counterproductive..

 

[Simondo86]

Just remember the chasm of difference between lust and love.

 

[Texan40]

Just remember the chasm of difference between lust and love.

(Also my little one just loves Totoro )