How to navigate my Fiancé’s non Christian friends including one that is homosexual.

[Slb0707]

My fiancé and I are getting married in 4 months. I love him dearly and he is a strong believer. He has been a Christian his whole life and actively involved in church. Recently we have been getting into some disagreements regarding his friend circle. He has a close group of friends from college that are from all walks of life and different political and religious beliefs. I on the other hand have had a strong Christian community my entire life, it is really important to me and I believe these people strengthen and uplift me.

I have voiced my concern that when I think about my future family I want to be surrounded by likeminded Christians who will speak life and truth into our family and marriage. I will say I was raised in a bit of a Christian bubble, and I don’t necessarily want that for my kids but I do want the loudest and closest voices to be those speaking biblical truth.

My fiancé has one friend who is gay, he has not been in a relationship the entire time my fiancé and I have been together. I voiced to my fiancé that I think there will need to be boundaries set when and if this friend is in a relationship. I told him that I feel we will need to be cautious about having him around our children until they reach an age we can explain and talk to them about homosexuality and marriage. I gave an example that if we were hosting a birthday party for our kids and this friend was in a relationship that I would not want to invite them to the party because I don’t want to have sin on display in our home. He told me that sounded homophobic which was very disheartening because I feel like I have been very open to loving this person and seeing him past his sexuality, but I do believe we have to be cautious and set boundaries when it comes to our children and not approving of sexual immorality.

I honestly just feel so lost. How do we as Christians love those who are unbelievers but also surround ourselves with Christians who bring us closer to Christ.

Is this disagreement or difference in the way we see friendships and community a big red flag? Is this something we can overcome or will I be anxious about this forever?

 

[PloverWing]

You'll have to decide for yourself whether this is a red flag for you. All of us have "stoppers" in relationships, things about a potential partner that would be too much for us to live with. My "stoppers" are likely different from yours.

I will say (having been a parent) that sooner or later the time will come when you have to have conversations with your children about people in their lives with whom you disagree. Maybe it's a partnered gay person, or maybe it's a partnered-but-unmarried straight person, or maybe it's a person of another faith, or of a different Christian denomination. We had many family conversations in which I tried to explain why another person believed or acted as they did, why that made sense from their point of view, what things about that person's beliefs I agreed with, what things I disagreed with, and why I thought the way I did. Generally, these conversations were in response to my children's questions, and often they happened at a younger age than I expected.

I think that even if you exclude this gay friend from your lives (and think hard before you do that), your children will ask you about same-sex relationships, perhaps at a young age, because they will have friends at school or in the neighborhood who are gay or who are the children of married gay parents. I think there can be an age-appropriate way to say that the people in a same-sex marriage have many wonderful qualities (list some), and that they love and take care of each other, but that your church believes that same-sex marriage isn't the best choice (maybe list some reasons why).

 

[seeking.IAM]

You'll have to decide for yourself whether this is a red flag for you. All of us have "stoppers" in relationships, things about a potential partner that would be too much for us to live with. My "stoppers" are likely different from yours.

Agreed, but I reckon OP's fiancé may also be considering if her position represents a stopper for him.

I do believe we have to be cautious and set boundaries when it comes to our children and not approving of sexual immorality.

Yes, we must teach and set boundaries for our children, but it raises questions, doesn't it? Does having a guest in one's home mean one is giving the stamp of approval on their behaviors? All of their behaviors? If not all of them, which ones? How long can we truly insulate our children from the ways of the world? Is it better to put blinders on them, or have open dialogue about realities and our values while seizing what is a teachable moment?

A true story: Whilst on family vacation in a popular tourist area, a crowded sidewalk required my family to step around a hawker soliciting customers to enter his establishment. There was no avoiding the 6'4" bearded, burly man in heavy make-up and wearing an evening gown and high heels. There was also no way of avoiding my young child asking, "What was that?" Or, of me answering.

 

[Slb0707]

You'll have to decide for yourself whether this is a red flag for you. All of us have "stoppers" in relationships, things about a potential partner that would be too much for us to live with. My "stoppers" are likely different from yours.

I will say (having been a parent) that sooner or later the time will come when you have to have conversations with your children about people in their lives with whom you disagree. Maybe it's a partnered gay person, or maybe it's a partnered-but-unmarried straight person, or maybe it's a person of another faith, or of a different Christian denomination. We had many family conversations in which I tried to explain why another person believed or acted as they did, why that made sense from their point of view, what things about that person's beliefs I agreed with, what things I disagreed with, and why I thought the way I did. Generally, these conversations were in response to my children's questions, and often they happened at a younger age than I expected.

I think that even if you exclude this gay friend from your lives (and think hard before you do that), your children will ask you about same-sex relationships, perhaps at a young age, because they will have friends at school or in the neighborhood who are gay or who are the children of married gay parents. I think there can be an age-appropriate way to say that the people in a same-sex marriage have many wonderful qualities (list some), and that they love and take care of each other, but that your church believes that same-sex marriage isn't the best choice (maybe list some reasons why).

Thank you for your response. I know that I will have to navigate these conversations with my child one day. My concern or internal struggle is by having them in my child’s life and including them in events does this give my approval and acceptance. I want to be cautious of advertising that this is okay and good when that is not what I believe.

These topics were not discussed in my home and we didn’t have anyone in our life who lived this lifestyle so I feel like I am navigating this with no examples to look on.

 

[comana]

This is a valid concern and I would suggest speaking with your pastor or other Christian counselor to help you work through what your boundaries should be.

 

[PloverWing]

Agreed, but I reckon OP's fiancé may also be considering if her position represents a stopper for him.

Agreed.

These topics were not discussed in my home and we didn’t have anyone in our life who lived this lifestyle so I feel like I am navigating this with no examples to look on.

I can appreciate this. I am old enough that when I was growing up, most gay people were closeted, because it wasn't safe for them to be out. Like you, I had to navigate my young adulthood without many examples to look at.

 

[Paidiske]

These topics were not discussed in my home and we didn’t have anyone in our life who lived this lifestyle so I feel like I am navigating this with no examples to look on.

It strikes me that perhaps, then, this is a clue to answering your question. Do you want your children, in a generation's time, to also feel ill-equipped for navigating relationships with people in their life? If not, perhaps exclusion is not the answer.

Your children will be very clear what your views are, what you do and don't approve of, whether you allow a friend at a birthday party or not.

 

[Solo81]

Have your children been born yet or are you imagining situations 6 or 7 years in advance?

 

[Richard T]

The biblical standard for known immorality in a believer is to not even eat with them. Our relationships with non-Christians are far different. If I may, I would advise you to trust God more on this. First, that your children are protected and sanctified by you and your husband. Even one believer of a child has their kids sanctified. You are training up your child and they are not going to depart from the Lord at the drop of a hat. Why not believe that they will do great in God? You can't hide kids from the world forever, teach them how to be a witness, how to have care. Consider your whole family as a great example to any unbeliever so that they are impressed in your godliness rather than shunned by your apprehension. It is great though that you think on these questions.

"1 Corinthians 7:14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy."

Here is another biblical suggestion to find an older woman that can help you navigate within your household. My God bless all your thoughts and efforts and give you all the help you need to continue your path in marriage and as a woman of God.

Titus 2:4 Older women are to teach the young women to love their husbands and children. 5 They are to teach them to think before they act, to be pure, to be workers at home, to be kind, and to obey their own husbands. In this way, the Word of God is honored.

 

[FreeinChrist]

ADVISOR HAT


This thread was moved from Ethics & Morality to this forum, as it would be best if only Christians responded to the OP.​

 

[com7fy8]

when I was growing up, most gay people were closeted, because it wasn't safe for them to be out.

This can be something to bring out. There have been people of Christian *culture* . . . I would say not people loving the way Jesus has us loving . . . who abused homosexuals. They were hating, not loving . . . likely not really saved people if they could hate the way they did. And possibly . . . in my opinion to be tested prayerfully . . . because of that earlier truly hateful and abusive and anti-Jesus stuff against gays, that has helped to give gays something to push back against so that the extreme stuff we see now could be at least partly an overreaction to how they were so abused and ones were trying to push them out of existence and public attention.

And meanwhile, there were low-profile pedophiles who could socialize with everyone since they were not making themselves obvious, plus the terrible example of smoking with kids in the room, and the drinking . . . because of that, possibly, we now see even young ones starting to smoke on their way to ruining their lives and health because of smoking. Yet, for some "reason", church culture people and Christians can have a way of making their main and even only issue the gay thing . . . right while various other things are helping to prepare children for major ruin.

For example . . . arguing and complaining can help ruin a child so he or she does not see how to love in a close relationship. Children can grow up feeding on their parents' bad example of arguing and building up bitterness and disenchantment, so the children do not know how to relate well. And they then can in desperation for attention go to peers who likewise do not know how to love; and together they go to smoking and drinking and other items, because they are not growing in creativity of God's love.

And there is beauty discrimination. Males and females have grown up seeing how more beautiful women can be treated better and like they are more desirable for marriage and acting in movies and for pageants and higher professional positions. And the less cute kids can be less popular in school so bullies can go after them since they do not have people to stand up for them. But God is no respecter of persons; so being godly in His love includes how we do not judge people by what they look like; so, if people grows up to discriminate, this can keep them from developing in God's love with His strength and creativity for doing well in a close relationship.

And these problems do not at all come from gay culture. But, actually, a number of gays have the same problems of fighting and beauty discrimination, helping to maintain their deep degradation so they do not discover how Jesus has us loving; they got their ability to fight and discriminate at home, along with hetero kids in the same households!! Because, though they might have a different *pleasure* preference . . . they were likely brought up with similar bad examples of arguing and complaining and respect of outward beauty, so this can keep them degraded enough so they went desperately after pleasure, also, just in a different way.

So, if we really care about our children, we need to be good examples of how to relate in love, at home . . . not only talking about what selected groups of sinners do wrong, but getting our own character correction so we do not push and fight and argue for our own way, and do not discriminate about who is worth loving and good enough to love. But become all-loving while sharing and caring as family.