How Long, and Now What, O Lord?

[LaundrySoap]

I'm really relating to Psalm 13 lately. He asks "How long, O LORD...How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?"

I broke up with my ex on May 13th. So it's been 3 months. I miss him, even though he didn't protect me the way he should have and let us go "almost too far" physically. Even though I told him I don't like him texting other girls, and I found out later that he lets his ex girlfriend email him and it took him awhile to realize that that wasn't okay. He even wanted us to be somewhat friends after we broke up--that speaks to a lack of consideration for him, me, and our future partners. I wanted to marry him; I can't just be friends with someone whom I had such a deep level of intimacy with.

And, he already has another girl. Not sure if they're dating, but he's been bringing her to church. I can't go to another service because there is only one, and I don't want to leave my church. And I don't want to run his name into the ground with false assumptions, but I also wonder how long he'd been talking to this girl before he broke up with me.

So, how long? How long am I going to keep missing him? How long are the memories of him going to be so poignant?

And, now what? I joke that my job is making me stupid, but it is SO boring. And I haven't been spending time on hobbies or exercising, I feel like I'm stagnating. I know what I want to do: I want to get married and start a family. I want to be a stay at home mom. But I tried to date again, went on a few dates with different guys, and I keep getting disappointed. It's so hard!

So, now what do I do? I feel like I don't contribute much to society, I feel like a blob. I'm tired, I'm angry at my ex, I also miss him really bad... it's just not fair. He gets to move on, while I'm in pain and living with memories, both good memories and memories that shouldn't be there because of how we went "almost to far." (I'm definitely going to be VERY strict about my boundaries in the future.)

 

[BobRyan]

witness. Share our faith. See if you can lead someone to Christ. Share your beliefs with another Christian and see if maybe you can learn more truth about Christ and His plans for Christians in these last days.

Suppose you lived a few years just before the world wide flood in Noah's day - and you met someone like you. What would you tell them?

 

[ari.sketch]

sorry to hear what you're going through, been there, done that,

what really helps me move on is this ... and if I may be direct and straight to the point,

1. We tend to remember, to hold on things we deem significant, that includes memory
2. Your time with your ex-boyfriend is NOT that significant, not in the grand scheme of thing.

It was, and is, a learning experience for you, for you to be wiser, to be stronger - this learning experience is more significant than your time with your ex-boyfriend.

My advice is to lessen the significant of your relationship with your ex.
What you had was just average, or below average at best (why, because look what happened), you are capable of making greater memory, in the present and in the future with other people, you have your life ahead of you, stop looking back, it wasn't that significant.

And stop focusing on him. Could be that you haven't moved on is because you haven't taken any step yet.
Take that step, go out, spend time with your friend, with your family.

I wish you the best.

 

[LaundrySoap]

Thanks guys.

I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like my brain is running away from me, and even small changes in my life are just making it so hard to cope. I'm worried that he's telling his new girlfriend that I'm crazy. And I worry that other people think I'm crazy or think less of me, because of the poor ways I'm handling this breakup.

I want to take a break, a LONG break. I briefly looked into how to get checked into a psych hospital, but I don't think I meet the criteria. And I don't have enough vacation time from work or money to just pause and go somewhere on a vacation.

I want all this to STOP. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

 

[ari.sketch]

I could, and will, put some links below to sermons or words of encouragement that I hope will help,

but as someone who's been through what you're going through (twice, even) and is currently facing some trials that seem hopeless at times (but trusting God and His love, though it's difficult to see at times),

I just want to offer an understanding nod and a listening ear, please know you're not alone in this.

Try not too think too much on this, but rather shift your focus on other things, other thoughts.
This is where the battle is, your mind.

Is there a leader and/or counselor at your church you can talk to?
I would recommend talking to one.

This may sound cliche, but I believe it's true,
through this you will have a greater understanding and compassion for those who are hurting, or has been hurt.

God has a great plan and a wonderful purpose for your life, you are very valuable to Him, what you have learned from this experience will make you stronger and more capable as someone who can, and will, comfort God's people in times of hurt.

These are just some youtube links to videos about hurt that I hope can encourage you.

Suffering is Not For Nothing, Elisabeth Elliot

Saddleback Church, Rick Warren, "Change Your Life by Changing Your Mind"

Desiring God/John Piper "Your Suffering is Working For You"

and I'll put this as well, because we all need to know how loving God is,

 

[timf]

Grief and loss take time to fade. It can hit you again and again but each time it is a little less. It can help if you consider how advantageous it was to avoid entanglement with someone on whom you could not depend. A word of caution, "being just friends" between male and female is often fraught with complications.

 

[LaundrySoap]

Thank you for the videos, I listened to the first one already today at work and I'll listen to the others as I work.

I agree, we CANNOT be just friends. He was barely able to get that through his head, it seems like. But it's a bad idea and for him to even have suggested that shows such a lack of respect on his end. (For the record, we are no longer on speaking terms. I had some mail end up at his place, and he went through a mutual friend instead of talking to me at church about getting it back.)

I decided to go to a different church for awhile; I saw him yesterday with 2 girls (new gf and someone else) and I just felt furious. Why does he get to be happy and move on towards getting married, after everything he did? Why am I not good enough to get to move on and find someone else? Why is God letting me suffer and be miserable while he gets to just move right along like he didn't just hurt me? He's so perfect and nice and everyone loves him, while I'm just bitter and crabby, and I'd bet he tells people that I'm crazy or mentally unstable (I had a bit of a meltdown right before we stopped talking, where I called him a bunch of times).

I want this to be over already. I could hardly stop sobbing last night. It's absolutely not fair. Why do i have to be the one who hurts and has to take all these steps to feel better, while he gets to have whatever he wants? I hate him so much, and I know it's wrong but I hate him.

 

[com7fy8]

Possibly, you need to share with mature Christians who will not draw stupid conclusions about you. And do not worry about what immature people think about you! But love them and have mercy on them and care about them in prayer.

If what you say is true about your ex, he is able to find women who are easy to fool. So, he is not "moving on" to what is right for him, but he also is fooling his own self. He needs to find out how to love.

And you need to become able to tell the difference between people who know how to love and ones who don't, and become an example so you can help ones like him and his foolish women and gossips who do not know how to love you.

So you need, then, to share with mature senior singles and couples, so you can feed on their example. These will not be only smiley-face nice people; but mature Christians can see through you and help you with real correction of God's word while you feed on their example. They will likely tell you that they did not just get a quick-fix of happiness but they made a commitment and learned with God and His word how to succeed in marriage.

And if you have a real preacher, any sermon can help you somehow.

Among other things > God's word through a real pastor can "psychoanalyze" and counsel you, so you don't keep using ways that never will work!

And read your Bible, about the life God has for us, and here is where your attention belongs.

"casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

Depend on the Lord to change you so you are obeying how He guides you and takes care of you. He will not guide you to isolate yourself with foolish and untrustworthy men.

"'Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'" (Matthew 11:29)

In Jesus Christ's "yoke" you will discover how He makes you wise to yourself and to men who do not know what to do with themselves. And as you share with Jesus, He can bring you together with a Christian person if He pleases.

*But you need to grow in Christ so you can connect with a really Christian man.*

I have seen how a woman can keep doing the same things and she has kept getting with wrong men.

And one thing she has kept doing is to dictate what she wants and what will make her happy. And plenty of men can fake what she is looking for!

So we need, then, to trust Jesus, by submitting to Him and obeying how He takes care of us. Then discover who is able to fit in with how Jesus shares with us.

 

[ari.sketch]

Thank you for the videos, I listened to the first one already today at work and I'll listen to the others as I work.

I agree, we CANNOT be just friends. He was barely able to get that through his head, it seems like. But it's a bad idea and for him to even have suggested that shows such a lack of respect on his end. (For the record, we are no longer on speaking terms. I had some mail end up at his place, and he went through a mutual friend instead of talking to me at church about getting it back.)

I decided to go to a different church for awhile; I saw him yesterday with 2 girls (new gf and someone else) and I just felt furious. Why does he get to be happy and move on towards getting married, after everything he did? Why am I not good enough to get to move on and find someone else? Why is God letting me suffer and be miserable while he gets to just move right along like he didn't just hurt me? He's so perfect and nice and everyone loves him, while I'm just bitter and crabby, and I'd bet he tells people that I'm crazy or mentally unstable (I had a bit of a meltdown right before we stopped talking, where I called him a bunch of times).

I want this to be over already. I could hardly stop sobbing last night. It's absolutely not fair. Why do i have to be the one who hurts and has to take all these steps to feel better, while he gets to have whatever he wants? I hate him so much, and I know it's wrong but I hate him.

I don't want to be a cheerleader and the bringer of cliches but hey, we're all growing, I can see you as a flower, growing and blooming ... but guess what flowers need to grow ... yup, manure

I'm not saying that your ex is a manure, but the incident may be, it sucks, but believe me, and many others who has gone through it, that you will heal, you just need to be strong, stronger for a while

don't overthink things, especially on what he may or may not be doing ... guard your mind, if there's any negative thought coming to your mind, submit it to God, set your mind on what is good,
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:8

I know it's tough to forgive ... but I hope you're willing to forgive, or at least willing to be willing to forgive

 

[LaundrySoap]

I don't want to be a cheerleader and the bringer of cliches but hey, we're all growing, I can see you as a flower, growing and blooming ... but guess what flowers need to grow ... yup, manure

I'm not saying that your ex is a manure, but the incident may be, it sucks, but believe me, and many others who has gone through it, that you will heal, you just need to be strong, stronger for a while

don't overthink things, especially on what he may or may not be doing ... guard your mind, if there's any negative thought coming to your mind, submit it to God, set your mind on what is good,
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:8

I know it's tough to forgive ... but I hope you're willing to forgive, or at least willing to be willing to forgive

Thanks man; my ex isn't manure but that made me chuckle. I am willing to forgive, I think in church about how God forgave me so therefore I have to forgive him. I want to forgive him.

And then I see him and it comes flooding back. Anger and jealousy at the fun life he's living, while I'm miserable.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I get triggered so easily. I keep dreaming about him, I wake up and think about him and my heart starts pounding. Even my alarm going off gives me anxiety. I dread going to church; once I'm there and settled i can kinda focus and try not to look over at him.

I'm trying to tell myself that he doesn't hate me, that he did what he thought was best for both of us. Just these constant triggers and this feeling of going crazy is overwhelming. My mom and my friends mom think I should take a break and go to a different church. Two of my friends at my current church don't want me to leave. But I feel like there's more opportunity for spiritual growth if I stay.

It's so easy to tell myself "think about good things" when I'm calm, but when my mind is running off the rails, it's just so hard.

 

[Diamond72]

I want all this to STOP. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I know this sounds impossible, but you just have to have faith, trust and believe in God.

 

[PamelaPP]

I do feel you have forgiven him , maybe even 'over' forgiven him but what about YOU?

HE is NOT thinking about YOU but himself so it is time you did the same as YES Corrie Ten Boom forgave the Nazi tormentors but she did not ask them to come to her SAFE place of WORSHIP and torment her some MORE there!

The friend who forgave his Grandfather I assume the Grandfather did NOT CARRY ON doing whatever it was he had forgiven him for anymore?

It must have STOPPED in order for him to be able to live with him
Church IS something we CAN ''take a break from'' if or when needed especially if seeking a new and right one for US where we are FREE

You are not FREE in this church , it is pretty much ''his'' church so you have to go now and look for YOUR own church and not hold onto ANYTHING from the past so God can TRULY heal you but him being there is like rubbing SALT into a WOUND week after week so how can it EVER heal??? :-( :-(

You do need to MOVE ON and take that first step to break FREE from him as HE is NOT thinking about YOU at all , just HIMSELF but you ( in a less self centred way lol ) need to start thinking about YOU and your mental health and security as I honestly do not feel God WANTS you to be goaded , hurt , reminded , guilt trapped , traumatised and ABUSED by this guy who is quite HAPPY to RUB HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND IN YOUR FACE with NO warmth , kindness or CONSIDERATION of YOUR feelings at ALL and I feel you are being actually a bit ''too forgiving'' of him MORE than his actions and inconsideration of YOU and your FEELINGS deserves when he is not thinking about YOU , AT ALL!!!

Think you
Do you
Love you
Because GOD DOES SO MUCH MORE than we know!!


One day this will truly be done and dusted HISTORY but it can never FEEL like that if this guy is constantly and permanently ''in your face'' as HOW can you HEAL and move ON from it?

I was deeply hurt by a pastor who even gas lighted me when I told him I was leaving and he made EVERYTHING MY fault and took NO responsibility for deeply WOUNDING AND HURTING me and there is NO way I could have continued even watching the services online I HAD to move on and block everything about the church he led and which I loved and I finally found a LOVELY church who are SO KIND to me , feel like I BELONG there and can truly be my REAL SELF there and be ACCEPTED as the true me

It is a big step and so HARD being the ''newbie'' AGAIN as it was my 3rd church I ''tried'' after being deeply hurt and misunderstood by the first 2 churches , who just did not 'get' me nor understand me but I feel so VALUED here in this new church and accepted even with my own issues I am recovering from , it is such a lovely ''recovery church'' and a safe place to do so where I can truly leave the past BEHIND me , heal from it all , and move ON at last with God's help and just seeing that the grass IS greener on the other side , MUCH greener rather than staying put and 'TRYING' to make it work which I did for nearly a whole year!! :-(

Yet no need for me to be stuck in the past anymore as God is STILL healing me many months later and from the hurt of some previous church members hurting me and yes in both churches I felt they were talking about me like I was a MAD person and pointing a finger at me behind my back like I ''WAS A PROBLEM'' when I and you are NOT and for once , finally , I do not get TREATED like I AM a ''problem person'' in this new church just because I HAVE problems , it is so LOVELY that THEY CAN AND DO 'separate' those 2 things whereas in my old 2 churches I WAS an actual 'walking problem' to them just because I HAD problems which OTHER PEOPLE actually did ''cause'' and NOT ME and they completely GET that in this new church and do not LABEL me , at all , but ACCEPT me and do not see ME AS a walking problem at all , finally and at last and we deserve that! xx

I hope you get NEW and healing hugs soon!! xxx

 

[LaundrySoap]

I stayed at my current church, and I think I am making progress. I saw his new gf in the bathroom and was able to give her a quick, pretty much genuine smile. I was proud of myself.

But I also still feel sick at the thought of him with someone else. I miss him so bad. And I also hate him. And it doesn't make sense for me to hate him; I second guessed him while we were dating and our breakup was mutual. Until I somewhat believed i wanted him back, and then it hurt really bad.

I feel like I'm stuck in these same patterns of miss him--hate him--miss him.

And I'm mad at myself for how I lashed out and reacted angrily during the weeks following our breakup. I yelled at him and I reported his FB account for being fake (which, it was an alias, but who cares, it was mean of me). I got all worked up about him giving me my stuff back (he was holding on to a lot of things for me because I was sort of in between apartments, and it took him 2 tries to get everything of mine out, and he still has my coat rack). But I should have let it go, instead of 4 months later bringing up the coat rack again.

And he's being nice. A month or so ago he tried to give our mutual friend some of my mail that ended up at his place, and for an upcoming birthday party, he had told our friend that if I felt awkward about him being there, he wouldn't go (I chose not to attend).

He got over it so fast, it seems, and I still feel like garbage. My mind keeps spinning with how I want to say something mean to him. It doesn't make any sense. It's over, it's good that it's over, but it still hurts really bad. It's hard to picture myself with someone else. There's still a part of me that sort of can't accept that we're not together anymore. That connection we had, and then to take it away and pretend it's not there anymore?

I don't even speak to him anymore.

It's just horrible and I hate it, and I'm upset how I can't be a good person about it and forgive him and move on and stop hating him. And I'm upset that I can't stop missing him.

 

[Richard T]

If I may give you a man's perspective, your ex sounds like a player and if so, he is in a far worse position than you. You have no need to be jealous for any reason. It seems certain that God has someone better for you. Just consider God rescued you and now you can regroup and seek God first and let him add a boyfriend when the time is right.

As you have some emotional bonds that will subside over time you could do a declaration for breaking soul ties like this one. https://cornerstone.ag/pdf/PDFPrayers/Soul-Tie-Prayer.pdf You can read up elsewhere on soul ties and they occur when you make or receive promises that go unfulfilled. They also can be created through intimate activity even if it is not actual sex. Don't get too hung up on the deliverance part but confess and move on. "case closed" is how I recently heard one preacher declare it. God still loves you for sure, you should have no doubt about this at all. As an act of faith I would claim victory in Jesus over your issue with this guy and dance alone before the Lord. Lean always into God and keep walking, you are going to do great.

 

[anetazo]

Just trying to help. I posted reply on another thread.
I know what it's like to fall in love.

In 1997. I fell in love with girl at old job. I was heathen at that time. I converted to christianity in 2000. I felt the pain when I found out she was gold digger. She had no remorse or mercy.

I was disillusioned for while. Falling in love deprived my senses of reality. I felt immense pain. It went away after period of time.

I'm sharing this to help you. I made mistakes in my life also.

Psalm 147:3. God heals the broken hearts and binds thier wounds.

My advice. Date only Christian people. And move real slow. Some Christian people are two faced, and don't have holy spirit. They are carnal minded.

Some Christian people are not sincere about God. It's personal gain. Get the picture.

I won't date anyone. This is my prerogative.

Take care.