How do you feel being a mature single at church?

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Depending on the church you attend, being single over a certain age can be intimidating. You look around and all you see are couples and some young singles. Maybe a few seniors who have lost spouses but often with family. Maybe you have no family at that church or even in town. You are coming to church alone.

For me, the hardest part is the unspoken implied assumption that everyone is married and has or will soon have grandchildren. My pastor frequently makes remarks like "you should be teaching this to your children and grandchildren." Well, my kids either don't go to church or don't go with me and they are adults. None are married and no grandchildren in sight. One Mother's Day, as he was dismissing us, he wished us all a wonderful afternoon with our moms and families as we celebrated. My Mom has been dead for many years and I have no nearby family to celebrate with. Besides, while I do remember and honor my mom, given that I am divorced and my mom is with the Lord, I really don't celebrate mother's day at least not in the way he's thinking.

My church has "Family Wednesday Night" where there is something for the whole family. It includes a divorce care class but the other adult classes are usually geared around marriage or family. Men's groups tend to focus on being husbands and fathers. Not exclusively but it's a major focus. My church also has small groups like many churches. They vary in terms of what they do when they meet but quite a few are specific to young couples or couples in general.

There is nothing wrong with any of that. I'm sure most of the adults at my church are married and most of the ones with adult kids probably have grandchildren. I just wish the church would do more to acknowledge we are not all that way. It could be as simple as saying "if you have kids or grandkids, ...." Or, "if you are spending the afternoon with family celebrating Mother's Day..." I am not asking for them to create an over 30 singles small group. I actually think it's great to have diversity in a group. The young can learn from the old and we can discuss things from different perspectives. I think the modern church does too much dividing by ages, sexes, or life stages. They call it Family Wednesday Night but the only time each family is together is when they arrive and when they leave.

I am not social so personally, I don't need singles potlucks or other social events. That's me though. As a mature single, what if anything would you like to see done differently at your church?

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Depending on the church you attend, being single over a certain age can be intimidating. You look around and all you see are couples and some young singles. Maybe a few seniors who have lost spouses but often with family. Maybe you have no family at that church or even in town. You are coming to church alone.

For me, the hardest part is the unspoken implied assumption that everyone is married and has or will soon have grandchildren. My pastor frequently makes remarks like "you should be teaching this to your children and grandchildren." Well, my kids either don't go to church or don't go with me and they are adults. None are married and no grandchildren in sight. One Mother's Day, as he was dismissing us, he wished us all a wonderful afternoon with our moms and families as we celebrated. My Mom has been dead for many years and I have no nearby family to celebrate with. Besides, while I do remember and honor my mom, given that I am divorced and my mom is with the Lord, I really don't celebrate mother's day at least not in the way he's thinking.

My church has "Family Wednesday Night" where there is something for the whole family. It includes a divorce care class but the other adult classes are usually geared around marriage or family. Men's groups tend to focus on being husbands and fathers. Not exclusively but it's a major focus. My church also has small groups like many churches. They vary in terms of what they do when they meet but quite a few are specific to young couples or couples in general.

There is nothing wrong with any of that. I'm sure most of the adults at my church are married and most of the ones with adult kids probably have grandchildren. I just wish the church would do more to acknowledge we are not all that way. It could be as simple as saying "if you have kids or grandkids, ...." Or, "if you are spending the afternoon with family celebrating Mother's Day..." I am not asking for them to create an over 30 singles small group. I actually think it's great to have diversity in a group. The young can learn from the old and we can discuss things from different perspectives. I think the modern church does too much dividing by ages, sexes, or life stages. They call it Family Wednesday Night but the only time each family is together is when they arrive and when they leave.

I am not social so personally, I don't need singles potlucks or other social events. That's me though. As a mature single, what if anything would you like to see done differently at your church?

When I was attending my church as a 30 something (now 50), I was seeing the same thing as you. I recall this one woman I spotted at church all the time, very attractive, had no man with her, but her kids...later saw her on Match dot com. I contacted her on there saying, "Hey, dont I know you from <name of church> and she said she did recall seeing me, as we someitmes sat near each other. She thought the age diff was too great even though she was a mere few years apart (her a bit older). She looked more closer to my age.

Anyways, I figured with us being the only unattached people in the congregation that I'd have a shot at a post church breakfast or something, but these women are way to picky even if the well is dry.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

I met a Hungarian woman online who became a friend. She was younger than me but unmarried. She lived in a small village a couple of hours from Budapest. She was frustrated she could not find a husband and went to her pastor and said it was the church's responsibility to find her a husband. There were single men in her church but none interested in her. She felt the pastor should pull such men aside and tell them they have a responsibility to marry such a woman. Not surprisingly the pastor did not feel it was his or the church's responsibility to play matchmaker.

Some people do find their spouses at church and that's a good place to look but it's not a guarantee. It would probably be easier to meet someone serving in a church ministry or a small group as opposed to conversation after church. For me it would feel too much like "I'm single and you're single and we go to the same church so we should talk." Of course, there is nothing wrong with saying hi to someone after church. I think I would say hi to her and be friendly but then say it was nice meeting her and walk away. Maybe in a couple of weeks, I would look for an opportunity to casually say hi again. See how she responds. Does she act glad to see you or is she pretty neutral? Sometimes people need to warm up to us and not feel pursued from the first meeting. Now, you may have done all that so don't mind me!

That is one thing I like about being single and not looking. Now I can be very comfortable talking to women because there is no pressure. I am not trying to get them to like me or trying to get their number or ask them out. I can be friendly but have no expectations. I think some women get hit upon a lot and maybe grow weary of it. It might be nice for them to talk to a guy who is not looking for something. I feel embarrassed of my sex when I hear from women that all men want on dating sites is to hook up. I try to be the exception and show them there are still men out there who value women for more than their sex. I am not looking to date or get married so it's easier for me. I acknowledge that dating can be difficult and frustrating. I think as we get older we get more set in our ways and less willing to compromise. We have baggage and sometimes our baggage gets in the way. Dating at 50+ is tough.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Some people do find their spouses at church and that's a good place to look but it's not a guarantee. It would probably be easier to meet someone serving in a church ministry or a small group as opposed to conversation after church. For me it would feel too much like "I'm single and you're single and we go to the same church so we should talk."

I know, right? Maybe in the old-school days. But now, church-goers are finding their partners in the secular world. There was a single woman in our church that was Catholic. She was heavily involved in a position there, too. When she met a local deputy that was single, she dated him and then wanted to marry. But if they ere to marry in the Catholic church, they would have to follow THEIR rules (like raise their children Catholic)

She bailed and marry in his church, it was a basic , unconditional ceremony. Easy peazy, nevedr sw her again at church.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

That is one thing I like about being single and not looking. Now I can be very comfortable talking to women because there is no pressure. I am not trying to get them to like me or trying to get their number or ask them out. I can be friendly but have no expectations. I think some women get hit upon a lot and maybe grow weary of it. It might be nice for them to talk to a guy who is not looking for something. I feel embarrassed of my sex when I hear from women that all men want on dating sites is to hook up. I try to be the exception and show them there are still men out there who value women for more than their sex. I am not looking to date or get married so it's easier for me. I acknowledge that dating can be difficult and frustrating. I think as we get older we get more set in our ways and less willing to compromise. We have baggage and sometimes our baggage gets in the way. Dating at 50+ is tough.

The thing is though, there has to be some end game though. For instance, I take the same stance as well. Talk to women without expectations. Things are going well, the way yours is too. One day, I decide to ask one of these women out, and they are like befuddled by it, like a deer trapped in headlights. They give you this look like you're asking them to donate their kidney to you. lol

You see, women think you're "safe" because you haven't made any kind of move....until you do. It's just me being a normal, red-blooded male.

 

[Sir Robbins]

When I was attending my church as a 30 something (now 50), I was seeing the same thing as you. I recall this one woman I spotted at church all the time, very attractive, had no man with her, but her kids...later saw her on Match dot com. I contacted her on there saying, "Hey, dont I know you from <name of church> and she said she did recall seeing me, as we someitmes sat near each other. She thought the age diff was too great even though she was a mere few years apart (her a bit older). She looked more closer to my age.

Anyways, I figured with us being the only unattached people in the congregation that I'd have a shot at a post church breakfast or something, but these women are way to picky even if the well is dry.

as a current mid 30s single male, they are still picky as can be but since I don't desire children, I am pretty much incompatible with them. When I went, I sat in the back, came in after the music stopped, and departed before the closing song or prayer. Never said a word to anyone. When I shaded cameras for the church or operated them, I did so on Monday night service and noticed Monday was the night all the singles showed up. Half empty congregation and almost everyone sitting apart from each other. I thought, this can't be how it was intended. Sad days are ahead.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

as a current mid 30s single male, they are still picky as can be but since I don't desire children, I am pretty much incompatible with them. When I went, I sat in the back, came in after the music stopped, and departed before the closing song or prayer. Never said a word to anyone. When I shaded cameras for the church or operated them, I did so on Monday night service and noticed Monday was the night all the singles showed up. Half empty congregation and almost everyone sitting apart from each other. I thought, this can't be how it was intended. Sad days are ahead.

Wow, you drummed up an old post of mine .lol

Why would singles come on a Monday night...and...to add to that, why is service on a MONDAY night? That's a strange time of the week.

So you're saying there was a bunch of single people purposely avoiding each other at church?

 

[Sir Robbins]

Wow, you drummed up an old post of mine .lol

Why would singles come on a Monday night...and...to add to that, why is service on a MONDAY night? That's a strange time of the week.

So you're saying there was a bunch of single people purposely avoiding each other at church?

Yes they had a Monday night service. Mostly singles would be there, sitting alone, spaced out. Maybe there was less negative attention on them on Mondays verses showing up being surrounded by families and couples on the weekends.

 

[Lost Witness]

Yes they had a Monday night service. Mostly singles would be there, sitting alone, spaced out. Maybe there was less negative attention on them on Mondays verses showing up being surrounded by families and couples on the weekends.

or they just blended in?

 

[Sir Robbins]

or they just blended in?

they never blended in on weekends. I watched as a camera operator. They would walk in after the music stopped and doors would slam behind them leading to people turning around and seeing them and they sat at the back and never said anything to anyone. It was unfortunate to see but I ended up doing the same. I just never vibed with church goers.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

they never blended in on weekends. I watched as a camera operator. They would walk in after the music stopped and doors would slam behind them leading to people turning around and seeing them and they sat at the back and never said anything to anyone. It was unfortunate to see but I ended up doing the same. I just never vibed with church goers.

Yeah, church is a family thing, not a singles thing.

 

[Lost Witness]

they never blended in on weekends. I watched as a camera operator. They would walk in after the music stopped and doors would slam behind them leading to people turning around and seeing them and they sat at the back and never said anything to anyone. It was unfortunate to see but I ended up doing the same. I just never vibed with church goers.

well everyone in the church is suppose to be family more so than Blood at least that's how I'm coming to view it?
they just are family you haven't had the chance to be introduced to yet or haven't introduced yourself to them.

 

[Lost Witness]

Yeah, church is a family thing, not a singles thing.

Christians are Family.
This statement makes no sense to me.

 

[Sir Robbins]

Christians are Family.
This statement makes no sense to me.

in theory, if played out right, you are correct. However, "Christians" can be more judgemental about these things than the nonbeliever crowd.

 

[Lost Witness]

in theory, if played out right, you are correct. However, "Christians" can be more judgemental about these things than the nonbeliever crowd.

We're known By the Fruits We bare is all I can say in Regards to that

 

[Citanul]

Christians are Family.
This statement makes no sense to me.

I think what ThisIsMe123 is getting at is that churches put a strong emphasis on the family unit. If you're not married with kids (and sometimes if you're married but don't have kids) then you can end up being a bit of an afterthought.

 

[Sir Robbins]

I think what ThisIsMe123 is getting at is that churches put a strong emphasis on the family unit. If you're not married with kids (and sometimes if you're married but don't have kids) then you can end up being a bit of an afterthought.

I'm sure that is his meaning as well as mine. Singles don't fill a congregation, singles don't tithe like married couples with 2 incomes do.... from what I have seen and heard.

 

[timewerx]

I think what ThisIsMe123 is getting at is that churches put a strong emphasis on the family unit. If you're not married with kids (and sometimes if you're married but don't have kids) then you can end up being a bit of an afterthought.

A family grows which means a growing source of tithes (income) for the church. Additionally, a family has bigger chance of bringing a friend to church who may become a member and more income for the church.

People instinctively can see this as income generating potential, especially the more worldly types.

Single men on the other hand can be seen as creepy especially at an older age. The more worldly types of people will also instinctively see us as losers. Single women on the other hand have way better luck especially if everyone thinks you're pretty enough even at a mature age.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Single men on the other hand can be seen as creepy especially at an older age. The more worldly types of people will also instinctively see us as losers. Single women on the other hand have way better luck especially if everyone thinks you're pretty enough even at a mature age.

Right...I recall an older woman (at the time), but NOT much older than me was at my local church. I'd see her every weekend. I was in my early 30s at the time.

I was kind of guessing her age, that MAY be she was close to mines?

Anyways, later on, I saw her on the Match site...and contacted her there. I didn't want to approach her in church, because that would seem forward, but with the dating site, it was a great excuse.

I saw in her profile that she was but only a few years older, and was one of those 'look young for their age' types. She simply thought our age difference was too great...and I thought otherwise.

Anyways, I figured I'd talk her into a bite after church because....well...1. We live in a small enough region (small towns) where finding someone unattached are few and far between...and 2. given that we were probably the only 2 single people in the congregation...probably....that she'd give me a shot.
But nada.

 

[Niels]

Not great, but to be clear I'm specifically talking about attending activities as a single person surrounded by families and sometimes presumptive busybodies. This doesn't reflect how I feel around fellow believers in general, or even how I feel about all churches for that matter. A lot depends on the people there. Some are more welcoming than others.

To be a family-oriented person without a family puts me in an almost (almost!) untenable position. Even if world turns its back, God remains my source of strength. And yes, "the world" is appropriate terminology to use in this case because I only find fault with the worldliness of these places. Not the godliness.

Thankfully, the Church isn't just a building downtown where people congregate on Sunday. It's us. You're probably all aware of this, but it's worth repeating. It also helps to remember that the good fruit that Jesus talks about is The Fruit of the Spirit. Not marital status or how often we warm a pew.