How do you deal with a bossy & controlling friend?

melody123 · Feb 4, 2013

Hi. I am looking for advice on how to deal with a very good non-christian friend. I love her very much and she has supported me through several difficult years. I know she also cares for me, but lately she has become ever more controlling and bossy, to the point of extreme.

For as long as I've known her, I have seen her controlling and bossy side. She just knows everything and everything better. There have been some occasions here and there, which were mildly irritating, but I just let it slide, and politely let her know I was not interested, or that I had another opinion or way.

I do recall that we had one conflict in the beginning of our relationship. It was when I mentioned that I was a Christian after she was trying to get me interested in her new age beliefs. She just told me flat out that nobody was a Christian anymore, and tried to convince me of her beliefs. The thing that really got me about it, was that I had not pushed my faith on her. It was only when she was trying to get me to be interested in her new age beliefs, that I mentioned my own. So contrary to what she was doing, which was pushing her faith on me, I was not pushing my faith on her. I also remember telling her that we will just have to agree to disagree (afterall, we had so many other things in common, it wouldn't be natural that we would agree with everything anyway !) In any case, for some odd twist of reason, I ended up having to defend myself !

Well, this happened again recently. We were on the phone and she talked nonstop about herself. It was hard for me to even interject and ask her questions about what she was saying to me. I did manage, though. Throughout our conversation she was telling about what she was doing and she was being very controlling in that she was telling me I should do also do this and that, and buy this and that. All the while she knew that I was pretty satisfied with everything I was doing from past conversations through email ( although she barely asked me anything about myself this time) I was able to take all that. I didn't confront her about it, but instead stood up and clarified to her that I was not interested etc.. hoping in an indirect way she could see that she was being very bossy. Anyways, it wasn't until near the end of the conversation that she started to tell me about a new new age type of religion that she recentlydiscovered, and how I should go to the website and basically follow the teachings. All the while, (because of our many previous conversations) she knows that I wouldn't be interested in this. The thing is, is that she was *telling* me, as opposed to talking or sharing about what she had discovered. At this point I felt completely disrespected.

After she finished telling me, I just told her I wouldn't be interested about this religion because of my Christian faith and own beliefs. Again she was offended,and put me on the defense when I shared that I had different belief. She made it seem like I was trying to impress my beliefs on her ? It is soooooo wierd how that happens!! Anyways, that ended quickly and we hung up the phone.

1/2 hour later she emails me and tells me that she respects my Christian beliefs, but again tries to tell me that the new age religion did not counter in any way my Christian beliefs . I did not know if I wanted to reply back because I felt like she was really trying to control me, but I ended up replying back to her, thinking I needed to, for the sake of witnessing. I wrote her a very brief explanation on why this new age religion was definitely not compatible with Christianity. I basically told her about how God's Word, the Bible, is the absolute truth,and that it isn't about what I thought or anyone thought, but what He says. Again, I wrote this is what I believe. Well, it didn't stop there. I don't think she understood. She had to go further and wrote back that she checked with a person who is a leader in the new age religion, and they said that there is no opposition to Jesus. She said that it could really help me, but she wouldn't go further to discuss it because she can see that I am not open to hearing about how this new age religion can help me! She said that there are no evil spirits in this religion and that if there was she would not be involved with it. In any case, she says she will be praying for me the way this new age religion instructs it's followers. WOW .....I was aghast at her audacity, considering the fact I also told her that my relationship with Jesus is very satifying to me and it is healing me.

If I had my way today I would just not reply back to her, and see what transpires over time. I just feel like I've been bullied, and this is not my friend. But I'm sitting on it, and I'm going to wait a few days and let my my feelings pass. I will be able to see things more objectively, and be able to see what I need to do, or say correctly.

I don't think that never replying back to her is the answer, though. I think as a Christian it wouldn't be very loving to not express,and then give her a chance, right? It's what I would want someone to do to me. I do recognize the fact that Christians are persecuted, and always will be, so that's something to think about in this friendship.. I'm just not sure ..

I'm just looking for your comments, feedback, thoughts, opinions on what I should do or say. I would appreciate it. I have never been in a situation like this before.

Thank you in advance!

LilLamb219 · Feb 4, 2013

You really need to set up firmer boundaries concerning religious discussions between the two of you. You are right that her New Age stuff conflicts with Jesus and the work of the cross. Keep up on the right track there!! Don't sway. It's not even worth it to take a glimpse into her beliefs!!

Do you want to keep being friends with her? Do you value her or has she bullied her way too much in your life that it's time to end the friendship? Only you can think this through and choose.

Ark100 · Feb 4, 2013

A lot of people have smooth ways they use to draw others into their lifestyle. "Oh its ok, it doesn't hurt" bla bla bla
Remain strong and firm in your belief. I would honestly stop talking to a friend like that.
The end decision is yours but choose your friends wisely and carefully.
Those who do nothing for your growth as a child of God, discard them. God will bring those who will respect, accept and love you for your beliefs across you.
Its not the end of the world if you two part ways.
Jesus says in His words that those who truly follow him have to carry their cross and if they have to HATE the closest people to them, then so be it. Hating does not mean literal hatred, but hate that Jesus says was hating what they stand for if it is against God's word and will, and also NOT pandering to them.
Jesus comes first in everything, and if anyone tries to draw you away from Him...resist and if they persist, cut them off.

melody123 · Feb 4, 2013

Hi LilLamb. Thank you so much for your feedback! Please help me. Can you give me an example of how I can put up better boundaries concerning our religious discussions? What more can I do or say? My whole life I have been a softie and although I am soo much better these days, it's still difficult for me in conflict situations. I also never had a nonchristian friend in my life until several years ago when I met her.

Thankyou for your encouragement. It helps a lot. To answer your questions, I do value her friendship and I do like her a lot. She has some flaws which I mentioned,and I have to into account that we all have, but she has becoming increasingly out of line, that I cannot ignore it. I don't want to be bullied by someone, and I am willing to forfeit the relationship, if this continues. I just don't know what I'd say to end it. But there I go again.. trying to find the right words to say ! I have checked out this new age religion and it def. is new age, no question.

Hi Ark100. Thankyou so much for your feedback! So you think I should leave her, huh? I love what you say when you said "Those who do nothing for your growth as a child of God, discard them. God will bring those who will respect, accept and love you for your beliefs across you." She obviously doesn't help me with my growth of God and right now she is def. not respecting me..

Ark100 · Feb 4, 2013

its up to you melody, if you like her so much that you dont want to let her go, then you will learn to set boundaries.
Let her know she needs to stop telling you about the new age thing. You are christian and it does nothing for you. Let her know you appreciate your friendships but you will not be involved in /or even read the new age thing and thats final. Set it in an assertive but nice tone
If you two have nothing else in common after that, I really believe its time to part ways.

thatchadguy · Feb 4, 2013

I think that it's important to take note that people can be worse (I mean, at least she isn't appearing at your front door at 10 o'clock at night with this stuff).. however, if it continues to trouble you then it might be time to confront her with all of how you feel. You might say that this makes you very uncomfortable and that it causes you great distress. Sometimes just straight out saying the truth of how you feel to people can help a lot. I know that miscommunication can cause a lot of pain, especially with people who don't have much experience/aren't very good at detecting that pain. However, if she continues to intrude despite her knowledge of her hurtful effect on you then it might be time to distance the relationship.. Who knows, maybe once you distance the relationship then she'll act more positively towards you. My point is: Don't cut her off if she isn't fully aware of her effect on you (it seems possible to me reading from the OP, although I could be wrong), but rather try to tell her what's really going on, and then if you feel her actions have reached her limits then it's probably time to 'officially' distance things..

My thoughts on it :/

Lilly Owl · Feb 4, 2013

In short, I don't tolerate bossy meddling friends who try to control my life.

Help when a friend needs it is very natural in a good friendship. Controlling a friend in a friendship is not natural. It can speak to their emotional issues when they try. And in the worst case scenario they can be dangerous because some part of them is living vicariously. Fixing your life while theirs is the one they're responsible for top to bottom.

Maybe your friend thinks you need 'supervision' and her guidance considering how many times you've come to her for help. This can bolster someone with an over exaggerated 'caretaker personality'. Sometimes aligned with the portrait of someone who is ESFJ.

Set your boundaries and do so with kindness, because she's been there for you when you needed her, but firmly. If you don't she won't take the hint.

In fact that personality type can see your being firm, and sometimes it requires severing all ties to get the point across, can see your being nice and yet honest in this regard as further proof that you can't think for yourself and see you're not really able to lead your life. Which is why you're telling her you can and to please respect that and lighten up.

Instead, a deeply troubled caretaker personality type can see that talk you have with her, if you do, as further proof she needs to take care of you because you've demonstrated you're not able to do for yourself in the past, as in when you called her for help, and now you're only getting worse in that deficit by attempting to send the only lifeboat you have (her) away.

Best of luck.

CounselorForChrist · Feb 5, 2013

I may be patient but I just don't have time for controlling friends. They only are available when they need something or when they want to dump on me. I hate feeling used. I'm not mad at those type of people though. I pray God see they have control issues. I either keep them at a distance or I stop being friend with them.

Not to mention at some point you have to ask yourself is the way they act affecting you? Is it rubbing off on you? My best friend is an atheist and we haven't talked in well over a year. He can be mean about christianity and I haven't called him to see how long it would take for him to call me. Not a single call. Its like all those years of talking to him, helping him...etc meant nothing. His loss not mine. I showed him christianity is not that bad, God will handle it from here.

On top of that he was rubbing off on me. I swore more among other things.

Quasicentennial · Feb 5, 2013

The power of Christ can be very powerful in keeping your faith with him as he is a living supernatural being, and your protesting allows non-Christians to really see that Jesus is real in our Earth-born Christian lives.: Without Jesus, I would feel their human kindness but it just does not feel right that human life on Earth is just a "you live only once" spiritual disease, and there is no looking forward to an eternal life that is totally free from crime, violence and false religions inside the kingdom of God on a new disaster-proof Earth.:
I would try a little social experiment: Agree to be with her new (or old) religion and discover their interesting "faith evidence" that seems to attract so much positive feeling attention. Jesus spiritually inside you would try to keep you as calm as a door knob as you show your non-protesting attitude by nodding to their religious views, when in fact you want to bolt out of there and never come back.:
Your presence will boost her confidence and reflect her popularity where her members might probably have misjudged her in the past that she really has very little or no friends - Christian or non-Christian.:
Like it or not and oddly enough, I get this feeling that some of her religious members might show hunger for Christ's wisdom, but fear being kicked out and socially ignored forever. So your presence there could awaken their feelings for Christ .;*;.

Eyesee · Feb 5, 2013

Your friend is insecure. This is the root of what you are dealing with and you will not be able to "fix" it. Keep praying for her and being a faithful witness.

LilLamb219 · Feb 5, 2013

In order to set up a firm boundary, you need to tell her WHAT the boundary is and what is and is not acceptable.

For instance, you can get together with her someplace that is quiet and talk to her about how secure you are in your faith and are now requesting that she doesn't try to coax you into things that would cause you to stray no matter how strongly SHE feels about it. Speak more about YOUR feelings and how YOU would rather the friendship be...if that means leaving religion out of all conversations, then so be it. But let her know that IF she ever has any questions about Christianity that you are more than willing to answer those questions for her at any time as long as she wants answers and isn't baiting. She needs to realize that you aren't interested in changing your beliefs because SHE believes them. Stick to it and after that talk whenever she starts in on her new found New Age beliefs, halt her immediately and without yelling, firmly state that that topic is not one you wish to discuss. If she continues after you let her know the boundary, that means she does not respect the boundary. Hang up the phone, turn around and walk away, do whatever it takes to let her know that you aren't giving in to her pushiness. Good luck!

melody123 said:
Hi LilLamb. Thank you so much for your feedback! Please help me. Can you give me an example of how I can put up better boundaries concerning our religious discussions? What more can I do or say? My whole life I have been a softie and although I am soo much better these days, it's still difficult for me in conflict situations. I also never had a nonchristian friend in my life until several years ago when I met her.

Thankyou for your encouragement. It helps a lot. To answer your questions, I do value her friendship and I do like her a lot. She has some flaws which I mentioned,and I have to into account that we all have, but she has becoming increasingly out of line, that I cannot ignore it. I don't want to be bullied by someone, and I am willing to forfeit the relationship, if this continues. I just don't know what I'd say to end it. But there I go again.. trying to find the right words to say ! I have checked out this new age religion and it def. is new age, no question.

Hi Ark100. Thankyou so much for your feedback! So you think I should leave her, huh? I love what you say when you said "Those who do nothing for your growth as a child of God, discard them. God will bring those who will respect, accept and love you for your beliefs across you." She obviously doesn't help me with my growth of God and right now she is def. not respecting me..

Spunkn · Feb 5, 2013

LilLamb219 said:
In order to set up a firm boundary, you need to tell her WHAT the boundary is and what is and is not acceptable.

For instance, you can get together with her someplace that is quiet and talk to her about how secure you are in your faith and are now requesting that she doesn't try to coax you into things that would cause you to stray no matter how strongly SHE feels about it. Speak more about YOUR feelings and how YOU would rather the friendship be...if that means leaving religion out of all conversations, then so be it. But let her know that IF she ever has any questions about Christianity that you are more than willing to answer those questions for her at any time as long as she wants answers and isn't baiting. She needs to realize that you aren't interested in changing your beliefs because SHE believes them. Stick to it and after that talk whenever she starts in on her new found New Age beliefs, halt her immediately and without yelling, firmly state that that topic is not one you wish to discuss. If she continues after you let her know the boundary, that means she does not respect the boundary. Hang up the phone, turn around and walk away, do whatever it takes to let her know that you aren't giving in to her pushiness. Good luck!

This. Having solid boundaries with these types of friends will make it stop. And if she chooses to no longer be your friend if you enforce these boundaries, then this is someone who you don't want to be around. Now, she may get upset because you've let her run over your boundaries before, but you'll have to let her know that things are changing, and then you will have to enforce it. If you don't enforce it, boundaries are meaningless.

melody123 · Feb 7, 2013

Hi again. Just want to thank everybody for your comments and advice. This was very helpful, and I so much appreciated sharing your individual insights and experiences

I thought my friend would take a while to reply back to me, and it would give me some more time to cool down a bit, and think about the proper response ( I really feel like I want at least give her a last chance) but
instead she emailed me the very next day. Her email subject matter heading was *exactly* the same, however, she erased her whole previous message to me, and instead wrote quite a long note about how her day was going and etc. She was being super and extra nice, and I could tell that she must have been convicted of her behavior, and felt badly. She's even trying to get me a special mp3 that she knows I would really like.

There is nothing in the note about her previous comments, and so there is no apology. I am a little hurt about that. Knowing her personality, I do know it is hard for her. I can see, though, that she is trying to apologize indirectly, so that warms my heart a little . It gives me hope. At the same time I know that when I do reply back to her and lay down my boundaries , I definitely have to be firm and strong. Sprinkle a little mercy in it, and hopefully we will be back on track

LilLamb219 · Feb 7, 2013

True apologies aren't always about the words but more about the actions

Spunkn · Feb 7, 2013

LilLamb219 said:
True apologies aren't always about the words but more about the actions

^^^ This.

Just becareful she doesn't just talk like she's going to change, and then not do anything differently.

People who are usually this way, will react badly when someone tries to establish some boundaries when there were none before. So just be prepared for how she reacts to when you do try to establish some. She will more than likely try to accuse you of something, or just get really upset with you.

If she doesn't, and she's willing to respect them, then more power to her.

melody123 · Feb 8, 2013

Hi. I received a reply back from my friend. She wrote that she was just trying to share with me, and apologizes for offending me in any way. She said it was not her intent to force me, as she would never want to dissuade anyone from their faith. She goes on to say that she does not see things the way I do in that there it isn't an either/or thing thing, and then goes on to compare it to trying different food groups, instead of being force fed. She says she is seeking, but believes that there is nothing in this new age religion that is not of God. Her last comment is that she respects me, and will not bring religion up again, as she sees how strongly I feel about not being interested in entertaining the thought of trying out the religion.

I feel an arrogance and even temptation in her reply, or am I being too sensitive?

She apologizes and says she didn't mean to offend me, yet she still is trying to be authoritative over me and justify her actions and make me look bad.

The main thing I am concerned about is that she sees her behaviour as sharing, and there is no apology for that. I wrote her back and said thank you, but I also said
that I was concerned that she saw her behavior to me as just sharing. I wrote 'we may run into problems in the future.. '

Spunkn · Feb 8, 2013

Well.....it's your friend. You can respond in a few different ways.

A) back off the friendship a little until she is willing to prove that she's not going to try and control the conversation, talking to you all the time about trying the other religion over and over

B) Accept her apology as it is, but still be ready for the time when she's going to try and start being controlling again

C) Not accept her apology as being sincere, and just give up being friends with her

Personally I would do a mix of A & B. She has responded to your boundary, and said she will respect it. The question is whether or not she actually will. You may have to enforce the boundary a few times before she actually gets it. But if she keeps ignoring it, and is not treating you with respect in regards to that boundary, then I think it's best if you break off the friendship.

I would at least give her a chance. But stick to your ground. You're going to have to enforce the idea that you are entitled to your beliefs and that she cannot control what you think and do.

It's fine when you go to a friend and say "Hey I found this new religion I'd like you to check it out". Then if you get a positive or they're at least curious about it, you can continue to talk about it. But if the other person is clearly not interested, then it's pointless to keep badgering them over it. And if you clearly stated, I'm not interested in this, then she should drop it.

melody123 · Feb 8, 2013

Hi Spunkn. Thanks for your thoughts and support

It will be interesting to see what she replies back because I am being a little more confrontational..

Just like you said, I did tell her I was not interested right up front, and she was the one who got offended when I was trying to defend myself ! She said, 'well I don't believe that', and continued to badger me, and justify her reasons. I feel concerned by someone who is able to twist things around and manipulate, and then still not really be sorry..

Spunkn · Feb 8, 2013

melody123 said:
Hi Spunkn. Thanks for your thoughts and support

It will be interesting to see what she replies back because I am being a little more confrontational..

Just like you said, I did tell her I was not interested right up front, and she was the one who got offended when I was trying to defend myself ! She said, 'well I don't believe that', and continued to badger me, and justify her reasons. I feel concerned by someone who is able to twist things around and manipulate, and then still not really be sorry..

You may have to give her a few

"Let's talk about something else"

or

"I've already said I'm not interested. Let's drop the subject, or talk about something else"

If she continues to push past the boundaries, then I would say it's better just to let her go her own way

But making you feel guilty when you clearly said you weren't interested is definately a red flag. It's not enough that you should give up on them immediately. But it's something you definately need to watch out for.

1hope · Feb 8, 2013

Tell her if she really wants to argue with somebody about God, you'll introduce her to Jesse Duplantis!

How do you deal with a bossy & controlling friend?

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