How do I handle disrespectful step children biblically?

[spcoastie]

Hello brothers and sisters,

I have been married to my wife for 7 months and she has three children from her previous marriage. The oldest which is an 18 year old female and she and I are having major issues.

The first time I asked her and her friends to stop stomping on the floors in the late hours of the night and she told me "I am not allowed in her room and that I was a d**k and that she hates me."

I asked my wife to handle this situation and she just stood there and did nothing. Later on, after much convincing, my wife agreed to talk to her child. Then we went to our Pastor for counseling and the Pastor made it clear that she needs to put her husband above her children and correct them when they disrespect me.

Fast forward 4 months later to today and I asked that the middle child clean the bathroom mess they left and the child did so and then slammed the door. I asked my wife to "please go handle it" because I am afarid to correct them or my wife will attack me as "hating her kids."

So the oldest that I had an issue with in the beginning came outside while I was in the garage and told me (in spite to defend her sister) that "You left the light on in the bathroom" She did this to be disrespectful because i do ask the kids to turn the lights off in the house when they are not using them because our bill is $304-$320 every cycle.

I then told my wife to tell her daughter to please apologize to me and mean it as well as agree that disrespect towards me will not be tolerated. If not, then because she always disrespects me that she has to find another place to live. My wife is now resenting me and saying that i hate here kids (which she says constantly).

My wife clearly puts her children above me and will not defend me. Our pastor warned us this typically happens in step families and she agreed to stand by me her husband. Yet, she allows her kids to constantly disrespect me and I am seeking advice from you all to save my marriage. can anyone please give me biblical counsel? I am desperate for help.

I am a prisoner in my own home. Thank you

 

[thesunisout]

My wife clearly puts her children above me and will not defend me. Our pastor warned us this typically happens in step families and she agreed to stand by me her husband. Yet, she allows her kids to constantly disrespect me and I am seeking advice from you all to save my marriage. can anyone please give me biblical counsel? I am desperate for help.

I am a prisoner in my own home. Thank you

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

I think, first of all, that you need to consider the perspective of these children. Something broke that family up and their Dad is not living with them any longer. Whenever you have a broken family, you have broken hearts. Now, you enter the picture and are taking the place of their father. This is going to cause great stress and conflict, no matter how you slice it.

This scripture says that the discipline you need to give them is "in the Lord". That means, it's not just about them respecting you, it's about them obeying God. It sounds like they are lost, so they need to get to know God. When they do something wrong, let them know why it is wrong in Gods eyes. Give them spiritual insight about the issue. This should lead to questions about God and that in turn can lead to helping them to understand the gospel. What the scripture is admonishing you to do is to instruct these children in the Lord. That means you are the spiritual leader and you need to make leading them to the Lord the priority. To do that you have to put on love. You aren't going to be able to lead them without love. The love you need to put on is His love, so ask the Lord to give you His love for this family because our love is limited and often extremely conditional. Ask Him for help to forgive and the faith to defend against the fiery darts the enemy is flinging at you through them.

You are faced with an extremely difficult situation, emotionally and spiritually. Is your wife serving the Lord? She needs to be on the same page with you, but your page has to be the Lords page. You need to be seeking the Lords will on this on a constant basis and move and do what He is telling you to do. Only He can navigate you through this minefield. Make sure you are praying with your wife and studying the bible with her regularly (daily). Ask her to hit the reset button on this issue with you and start praying and studying with her to learn how to deal with this issue on a united front, with the same heart. Ask her how you can change and improve your relationship with the children, and with her. Ask her to forgive you for the missteps you have made. Ask her what she thinks she needs to change about her behavior, and ask her how she will be supporting you in your role as spiritual leader. Pray about these things and make a plan of action.

You are fighting a spiritual battle and you need to use the weapons the Lord has given us. If I were you, I would get the family together regularly to pray. Have a weekly prayer time where you discuss what is on everyones hearts and pray about the concerns that come up. Allow Gods Spirit to knit you all together in His purpose and love. Sit down with the kids and let them know that you care about them and want to develop a relationship with them. Acknowledge that you can't replace their dad, but you love their mom and want to provide a good life for them.

The important thing isn't to assert your authority, it is that this family sees Christ in you. When they see that, they will respond positively to what you are trying to do. If they just see your flesh in action, you will encounter nothing but resistance. I would pull back a bit, work hard on forgiving your wife and her children, and ask the Lord to tell you what the next move should be.

 

[tturt]

Welcome to the forums!

Being disrespectful seems to be everywhere these days - even commercials are filled with it. But we don't need it in our homes. However, personal relationships are complex to say the least.

Think thesunisout gave some good advice.

Encourage you to spend time with the kids doing stuff they enjoy doing if you don't. If you do, step it up some.

I would express appreciation daily for things they do right or when they make effort at the goal.

You're probably going to need to apologize - not for expecting respect but perhaps for mannerisms, lack of communication, etc - to get the ball rolling.

When our kids were teens, we had family meetings that could be called by anyone. We all agreed on some ground rules - had to be done calmly, respectfully, etc. My husband and I had agreed on a couple of hand signals beforehand to indicate agreement, disagreement or that we needed to discuss the situation privately. We dressed in pjs and sat in a circle on the floor. The person that called the meeting would state the problem from their perspective and everyone else responded. (Wish we had these when there weren't problems and that we had always ended with a group hug, a cup of coffee, or something). I'm not saying that it always went smoothly but it really did help our relationship with our teenagers.

"...let not the sun go down upon your wrath:" Eph 4:26 We know a couple that agreed that they BOTH apologize before midnight anytime they have any type of ruffle. Personally, I've found the sooner the better. Just don't hold onto any unforgiveness.

Additionally, urge you to read "Love and Respect" by Emerson. (think he was a pastor for decades). The book is based on Scripture - Husbands LOVE your wives and wives RESPECT your husbands. Eph 5:33. Perhaps your church library has it. You want to shore up your part.

Prayed for you and your family.

 

[Alithis]

re the OP - i have no idea ... -love?

any attempt to control the behavior of other has always failed as far as i can see
but love never fails .
and even children (above the age of understanding) will give account to God for their words and deeds .

 

[joshuanazar]

Simply put patience and understanding. If I were you, I would rather want the 18 year old to want to respect me than to be forced to respect me. As other people have said these kids and probably your wife are hurting. It will take time and sometimes you have to let things go. There best way to win the respect of children is to show that you love them unconditionally. And the best way to do that is to sometimes take their abuse and forgive them, after they get done yelling at them tell them you love them. Try your best to consider their points of view. And sacrifice for them even when they do not deserve it. Never let them see you and their mom argue. And be trusting, trustworthy, and reliable. Maintain discipline by establishing ground rules with the help of your wife (don't make them overburdensome). Enforce that they respect their mother, the rules, and other people, but just forgive when they disrespect you. Always love and forgive. Also, keep a very open communication going between you and your wife.

 

[Messy]

That's hard. Maybe she has a hard time raising them. Can't their dad see/raise them? Then you have some time for yourself.
It would be best to first become friends. A female collegue of mine had that. The boy was a teen and angry, but they stayed mostly with their mother, that was easier. She just stayed friendly and was a friend to them, not a parent. Gradually it went better, because she gained his trust.

 

[iplay4JC]

Simply put patience and understanding. If I were you, I would rather want the 18 year old to want to respect me than to be forced to respect me. As other people have said these kids and probably your wife are hurting. It will take time and sometimes you have to let things go. There best way to win the respect of children is to show that you love them unconditionally. And the best way to do that is to sometimes take their abuse and forgive them, after they get done yelling at them tell them you love them. Try your best to consider their points of view. And sacrifice for them even when they do not deserve it. Never let them see you and their mom argue. And be trusting, trustworthy, and reliable. Maintain discipline by establishing ground rules with the help of your wife (don't make them overburdensome). Enforce that they respect their mother, the rules, and other people, but just forgive when they disrespect you. Always love and forgive. Also, keep a very open communication going between you and your wife.

Agreed. My wife was having a difficult time with my kids. At the beginning I wasn't supportive of her. But as my walk with the Lord developed, I began siding with her and doing the things mentioned above. Eventually my kids understood the boundaries and became respectful to my wife.

The greater blessing about this: Both my kids accepted the Lord and their Savior and King too.

 

[com7fy8]

"'Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me,
for I am gentle and lowly in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.'"
(Matthew 11:29)

Be still, while God gets us into His peace, then see what He has us doing

"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts,
to which also you were called in one body;
and be thankful." (Colossians 3:15)

There always will be impossible things

So, it is good to learn how to get with God about something >
it is a good investment . . . for future hard things,
so we are ready with Him to do good with whatever comes.

"I can rest, and be attentive to the Lord."

I think of Paul's "thorn in the flesh" > 2 Corinthians 12:7-15. That "messenger of Satan" was messing with Paul and it seems to me like it was getting the better of him. But, even though he had faith for doing miracles and casting out evil spirits, Paul could not get Jesus to take away that thorn "messenger". I would say Jesus was not about to give Paul a miracle of convenience. He needed to become strong in grace which has almighty power to keep him from how Satan would effect him; but while he was doing things in ego, he was available in ego's weakness, for however Satan's spirit could effect him!!

When things can get me under their power, it is because I am acting in ego. Those negative and nasty and naughty feelings and emotions are a warning sign that I am getting away from God's love and leading; and right away I need to seek our Father for His correction (Hebrews 12:4-11), and how He restores me into sweet and intimate and sensitive sharing with Him (Romans 5:5, Jude 20-21, 1 Timothy 2:1-4). Then discover what He has me doing, creative.

Thank You for encouraging us, Father, in the name of Jesus our Lord and Savior and Your Son

 

[Andy S. Wright]

Disclaimer: I am an extremely pragmatic (some would say 'blunt') person on subjects such as these. Keep this factoid in mind as you read...

Short answer: You and your wife need to be on the same page so far as disciplining the kids are concerned. Sounds like you both would benefit from counseling on this particular issue. 7 months is long enough for the honeymoon to be over and the real work of relationships (spouse and children) gets real.

I found something that worked wonders in our home, so far as discipline/punishment is concerned. Our house has never been cleaner. Just a suggestion...don't feel obligated. If you AND your wife agree to use something like this, just change/add your kids names as appropriate and watch the wonders of a united parental front work its magic:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/3hrxerylvz794aa/GROUNDING POINTS LIST - Stephanie.pdf?dl=0

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of a united front between you and your beloved bride. Kids will play one against the other all day long until they know they can't anymore. When both of you stand in agreement, the enemy will no longer prosper in your home...

Just my .50. Do with them what you will.

ASW