How do I break free from social anxiety?

[DM25]

Social anxiety is really negatively affecting my life and my walk. The bible says we shouldn't live the Christian life alone, but I am so anxious that I am unable to form close friendships and relationships. Another problem (and I know this sounds bad) is I have even more anxiety around other Christians... Because it's as if you always have to act a certain way or have some standard to "prove you are saved" in front of other people. That just makes me even more anxious with my fear of being judged. You can't relax, all my church experiences were like this. I've been hurt so many times in the past so I feel like I'm unconsciously pushing people away. Even if I don't mean to, I never connect on a deeper level with others. I am also on the autism spectrum so that can make it difficult. But it's so hard after being hurt repeatedly to get myself out there and build close relationships. I always fear getting too close and having friendships with people. But not only that, I even fear making the first step like going to a church group or meetup or something... Just thinking about it makes me anxious like I know something bad will happen. Whenever I make the effort to meet new people and socialize (especially with other Christians) something bad always happens. I don't wanna live this way, I wanna form close connections with like-minded people and other Christ-followers and I want to eventually get a wife.... But my anxiety is so high that I get so nervous when socializing I never speak at all and no one even wants to get to know me. I hate it so much. It's really difficult and makes me so sad. I don't feel "lonely" because I have God, but having connections with other people is very important. I feel like another thing I fear is for the other person to get to know me so well that they don't want to be my friend anymore if they know the real me and they wouldn't like me anymore, that's why I fear getting close to others. This is all related to past hurt in my childhood. I fear rejection and someone leaving me so it's easier for me to avoid socializing altogether. I fear getting close to people.

 

[Carl Emerson]

Hi there,

When you know you are accepted by Him there is a confidence about your self that follows. Paul although very aware of his sinful nature said in Rom 8:1 there is therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. You have a choice as to whether you believe this or not. If you agree with God on this then the judgement of man is irrelevant.
Paul also said in 1 Cor 4:3-5 that He does not judge himself or accept judgement from others. This was a warning to the church that individuals should not judge each other as each has acceptance in Christ. You will notice that then each man's praise will come to him from God. This is an important truth - Lack of praise in a church can indicate judgemental attitudes.

You are a beautiful creation and He loves you.

Lastly can I quote Mother Teresa...

Mother Teresa said...

"If you are kind, people will accuse you of selfish motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win both false friends and true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

What you spend years building, someone may destroy overnight;

Build anyway.


The good you do today most people will forget;

Do good anyway.


Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough;

Give your best anyway.


In the final analysis it is between you and God.

It never was between you and them anyway...."


Blessings,

Carl Emerson

 

[Call me Nic]

Social anxiety is really negatively affecting my life and my walk. The bible says we shouldn't live the Christian life alone, but I am so anxious that I am unable to form close friendships and relationships. Another problem (and I know this sounds bad) is I have even more anxiety around other Christians... Because it's as if you always have to act a certain way or have some standard to "prove you are saved" in front of other people. That just makes me even more anxious with my fear of being judged. You can't relax, all my church experiences were like this. I've been hurt so many times in the past so I feel like I'm unconsciously pushing people away. Even if I don't mean to, I never connect on a deeper level with others. I am also on the autism spectrum so that can make it difficult. But it's so hard after being hurt repeatedly to get myself out there and build close relationships. I always fear getting too close and having friendships with people. But not only that, I even fear making the first step like going to a church group or meetup or something... Just thinking about it makes me anxious like I know something bad will happen. Whenever I make the effort to meet new people and socialize (especially with other Christians) something bad always happens. I don't wanna live this way, I wanna form close connections with like-minded people and other Christ-followers and I want to eventually get a wife.... But my anxiety is so high that I get so nervous when socializing I never speak at all and no one even wants to get to know me. I hate it so much. It's really difficult and makes me so sad. I don't feel "lonely" because I have God, but having connections with other people is very important. I feel like another thing I fear is for the other person to get to know me so well that they don't want to be my friend anymore if they know the real me and they wouldn't like me anymore, that's why I fear getting close to others. This is all related to past hurt in my childhood. I fear rejection and someone leaving me so it's easier for me to avoid socializing altogether. I fear getting close to people.

I can honestly say I understand your pain. God is working with me on this very issue in my life, as it has caused me problems in my walk as well.

But one thing I've learned is: what people think doesn't really matter when it comes to what God thinks. If you live your life according to what God thinks and expects, then everything else will fall into place as God intends.

Practically, when that thought pops into your head about worrying what another person thought of you in a certain social situation, stop, and consider the thought. Tell yourself that whatever the person thinks doesn't matter, because you were not put on this earth to please them, but were placed here to serve the living God. Then pray to God, take it to him, and have faith that he is guiding and leading you.

 

[Sketcher]

Social anxiety is really negatively affecting my life and my walk. The bible says we shouldn't live the Christian life alone, but I am so anxious that I am unable to form close friendships and relationships. Another problem (and I know this sounds bad) is I have even more anxiety around other Christians... Because it's as if you always have to act a certain way or have some standard to "prove you are saved" in front of other people. That just makes me even more anxious with my fear of being judged. You can't relax, all my church experiences were like this. I've been hurt so many times in the past so I feel like I'm unconsciously pushing people away. Even if I don't mean to, I never connect on a deeper level with others. I am also on the autism spectrum so that can make it difficult. But it's so hard after being hurt repeatedly to get myself out there and build close relationships. I always fear getting too close and having friendships with people. But not only that, I even fear making the first step like going to a church group or meetup or something... Just thinking about it makes me anxious like I know something bad will happen. Whenever I make the effort to meet new people and socialize (especially with other Christians) something bad always happens. I don't wanna live this way, I wanna form close connections with like-minded people and other Christ-followers and I want to eventually get a wife.... But my anxiety is so high that I get so nervous when socializing I never speak at all and no one even wants to get to know me. I hate it so much. It's really difficult and makes me so sad. I don't feel "lonely" because I have God, but having connections with other people is very important. I feel like another thing I fear is for the other person to get to know me so well that they don't want to be my friend anymore if they know the real me and they wouldn't like me anymore, that's why I fear getting close to others. This is all related to past hurt in my childhood. I fear rejection and someone leaving me so it's easier for me to avoid socializing altogether. I fear getting close to people.

I haven't heard of "breaking free" from social anxiety, but many people do erode it away to the point that they can life noticeably better lives. Take baby steps doing what you can do, but ramping up the challenge. For instance, if you were scared to enter a church, you would look at a picture of the church, then drive past the church, then walk past the church, then walk past the church and stop to read the sign in front of the church, and eventually go to that church. In your case, perhaps a community of other people with social anxiety would be a better first step than church, and when you are more comfortable around like-minded people, try a more diverse crowd (which would be church).

Also, needing to "prove you are saved" hasn't been my experience with church, and I've been going most of my life.

 

[DM25]

I haven't heard of "breaking free" from social anxiety, but many people do erode it away to the point that they can life noticeably better lives. Take baby steps doing what you can do, but ramping up the challenge. For instance, if you were scared to enter a church, you would look at a picture of the church, then drive past the church, then walk past the church, then walk past the church and stop to read the sign in front of the church, and eventually go to that church. In your case, perhaps a community of other people with social anxiety would be a better first step than church, and when you are more comfortable around like-minded people, try a more diverse crowd (which would be church).

Also, needing to "prove you are saved" hasn't been my experience with church, and I've been going most of my life.

Sorry I wasn't clear, I do go to church, I attend it every week usually. But I have no connections in the church or small groups and friendships, because of the social anxiety. Whether it would be church groups, Christian meetup groups, or other non-Christian groups I am afraid to go.

To me it's not as big of a problem going to places, it's the forming of relationships that scare me.

 

[Romans 8]

Sorry I wasn't clear, I do go to church, I attend it every week usually. But I have no connections in the church or small groups and friendships, because of the social anxiety. Whether it would be church groups, Christian meetup groups, or other non-Christian groups I am afraid to go.

To me it's not as big of a problem going to places, it's the forming of relationships that scare me.

The problem is that you live in Edmonton, and we all know people in Edmonton are "mean spirited". Hahaha joking.

I've posted in another thread on this topic. I have a small dose of social anxiety myself and so I can relate a bit. The root of the problem is fear of man. Essentially, you need to put your fears where they belong...in God.
As soon as you do this, you will not care what others think. You will be too busy focusing on what He thinks. Social Anxiety stems from pride. And this is why we're afraid of what others think of us because we regard ourselves too high and want to look perfect in others eyes for ourselves. You'll probably argue the point but if you think about it a bit you will see the light on this.

My suggestion would be to find some scripture that supports a fear in God and meditate on it. Memorize it, and make it a part of your psyche. In your alone tim, do not spend time thinking of "this situation" or "that situation". Instead build up a healthy fear of God. Read through some of the Old Testament stories and understand that your fear really is in the right place when it's in fear of God.

This is a good link and there are media links as well, God Bless!

See here: The Fear of Man - Christ Life Ministries

 

[NBB]

Social anxiety is really negatively affecting my life and my walk. The bible says we shouldn't live the Christian life alone, but I am so anxious that I am unable to form close friendships and relationships. Another problem (and I know this sounds bad) is I have even more anxiety around other Christians... Because it's as if you always have to act a certain way or have some standard to "prove you are saved" in front of other people. That just makes me even more anxious with my fear of being judged. You can't relax, all my church experiences were like this. I've been hurt so many times in the past so I feel like I'm unconsciously pushing people away. Even if I don't mean to, I never connect on a deeper level with others. I am also on the autism spectrum so that can make it difficult. But it's so hard after being hurt repeatedly to get myself out there and build close relationships. I always fear getting too close and having friendships with people. But not only that, I even fear making the first step like going to a church group or meetup or something... Just thinking about it makes me anxious like I know something bad will happen. Whenever I make the effort to meet new people and socialize (especially with other Christians) something bad always happens. I don't wanna live this way, I wanna form close connections with like-minded people and other Christ-followers and I want to eventually get a wife.... But my anxiety is so high that I get so nervous when socializing I never speak at all and no one even wants to get to know me. I hate it so much. It's really difficult and makes me so sad. I don't feel "lonely" because I have God, but having connections with other people is very important. I feel like another thing I fear is for the other person to get to know me so well that they don't want to be my friend anymore if they know the real me and they wouldn't like me anymore, that's why I fear getting close to others. This is all related to past hurt in my childhood. I fear rejection and someone leaving me so it's easier for me to avoid socializing altogether. I fear getting close to people.

I have autism too, and i don't know how other people just make friends and connect like that even deep within a short time even, i could never do it, ever.
Seems like a 'curse', and i'm not even complaining, it just seems like that.
Because i want to connect and form friendships etc like everyone but i can't.

 

[GodLovesCats]

For a long time I could not socialize with people because after the "Hi, how are you?" I did not know what to say. How could I start a conversation without knowing the person? So I did not have friends unless the person chose me first. This situation came up again recently when I was at a party and a lady who cannot travel or have a pet because she is wheelchair dependent was friendly and wanted to chat with me. Being disabled myself, I did not want to upset her by talking about vacations and having a cat.

To reduce social anxiety, you have to get into uncomfortable situations. You will not improve at all just by going to church - you have to meet people at the church. My mom used to attend a church that has a "hi, how are you?" break after worship. Do that when you sit down or get up.

 

[KasperBlue]

The problem is that you live in Edmonton, and we all know people in Edmonton are "mean spirited". Hahaha joking.

I've posted in another thread on this topic. I have a small dose of social anxiety myself and so I can relate a bit. The root of the problem is fear of man. Essentially, you need to put your fears where they belong...in God.
As soon as you do this, you will not care what others think. You will be too busy focusing on what He thinks. Social Anxiety stems from pride. And this is why we're afraid of what others think of us because we regard ourselves too high and want to look perfect in others eyes for ourselves. You'll probably argue the point but if you think about it a bit you will see the light on this.

My suggestion would be to find some scripture that supports a fear in God and meditate on it. Memorize it, and make it a part of your psyche. In your alone tim, do not spend time thinking of "this situation" or "that situation". Instead build up a healthy fear of God. Read through some of the Old Testament stories and understand that your fear really is in the right place when it's in fear of God.

This is a good link and there are media links as well, God Bless!

See here: The Fear of Man - Christ Life Ministries

I do not agree that Social Anxiety stems from "pride"..... My social anxiety stems from being hit by two moving vehicles (and dying the first time it happened), being raped twice, being attacked physically and robbed in public where it was 3 on 1...... My social anxiety, "stems" from every time I step foot outside of my home, something bad always seems to happen. Just because you might have "pride", or your social anxiety stems from that said "pride", does not mean that mold "fits" every make and model

 

[DM25]

I do not agree that Social Anxiety stems from "pride"..... My social anxiety stems from being hit by two moving vehicles (and dying the first time it happened), being raped twice, being attacked physically and robbed in public where it was 3 on 1...... My social anxiety, "stems" from every time I step foot outside of my home, something bad always seems to happen. Just because you might have "pride", or your social anxiety stems from that said "pride", does not mean that mold "fits" every make and model

Amen, I am very sorry that has happened to you. Just remember God loves you and will sustain you. After all of that which happened to you you are still here with us today in this online community glorifying God, it's amazing the strength, trust, and faith God can give you. I agree with you that social anxiety stemming from pride is kind of a ridiculous notion. Some socially anxious people I've met are some of the most humble, selfless, and caring people I have ever met. Someone who struggles with pride doesn't put others before themselves, or fears hurting people which is why may stay away. This is just generally what I observe in socially anxious people, I'm not gonna speak for myself but what I see with people I've met that are shy. But really pride is a separate issue all together, and it can affect both socially anxious and confidant extroverted people the same. I disagree with the guy who said that. Social anxiety can come from many things like past wounds by people.

 

[DM25]

To reduce social anxiety, you have to get into uncomfortable situations. You will not improve at all just by going to church - you have to meet people at the church. My mom used to attend a church that has a "hi, how are you?" break after worship. Do that when you sit down or get up.

I'm gonna try to go to a young adult group at my church, or a community Christian Meetup for young adults as soon as I finish my exams. It's gonna be tough but I will pray and push through. If something bad happens then whatever, I will refuse to give up and I will continue pushing through. Making the first step to get outside of my comfort zone is hard though, I always get hit with a ton of "what-ifs" and questions and scenarios in my mind that I know are logically irrational but feel real in my mind at the same time. Plus I have to get over the awkwardness which stems from having ASD, perhaps I'll have to rehearse some small talk. I always fear I'll make a fool out of myself or people will hate me or worse bully me like which happened in the past.

 

[GodLovesCats]

The "what ifs" are probably more normal than you think. Many people get nervous about social situations. Reharsing small talk seems like a good idea, but there is no way to predict what others in the group want to discuss (besides Christianity, of course). It might be easier if you join a men's group instead of one for both genders. Whatever happens, pray before and after the meetings.

 

[Romans 8]

I do not agree that Social Anxiety stems from "pride"..... My social anxiety stems from being hit by two moving vehicles (and dying the first time it happened), being raped twice, being attacked physically and robbed in public where it was 3 on 1...... My social anxiety, "stems" from every time I step foot outside of my home, something bad always seems to happen. Just because you might have "pride", or your social anxiety stems from that said "pride", does not mean that mold "fits" every make and model

Amen, I am very sorry that has happened to you. Just remember God loves you and will sustain you. After all of that which happened to you you are still here with us today in this online community glorifying God, it's amazing the strength, trust, and faith God can give you. I agree with you that social anxiety stemming from pride is kind of a ridiculous notion. Some socially anxious people I've met are some of the most humble, selfless, and caring people I have ever met. Someone who struggles with pride doesn't put others before themselves, or fears hurting people which is why may stay away. This is just generally what I observe in socially anxious people, I'm not gonna speak for myself but what I see with people I've met that are shy. But really pride is a separate issue all together, and it can affect both socially anxious and confidant extroverted people the same. I disagree with the guy who said that. Social anxiety can come from many things like past wounds by people.

You don't have to agree with me for this to be true. You're conflating pride with arrogance. Pride has many forms. You're so worried about what others think because of your self perception (who you think you are) that it shatters you. People must like you, and if they don't, it's because they don't know the real you. You can't accept that no one likes everyone and that it's nothing personal because most people don't know you anyway. But your pride says EVERYONE must like and accept you because you're so great. Trust me, it's pride at its source. The problem is that it's turned into fear which is causing physical sensations which are automatic. So you're in this loop which you can't break out of. The sooner you get in touch with what's gong on the better off you'll be. Denile is not a river in Egypt.

 

[Jason441]

Hi DM. What a coincidence. I lived in Edmonton 24 years. I lived in the Millwoods area. I went to Percy Page High School and went to U of A before I dropped out due to SA. I couldn't hold down work for very long bc of SA. I'm in Calgary now since 1999. I like being near the mountains. But I have some good memories of Edmonton. I don't miss the cold though lol. Much warmer and sunnier in Calgary. But if I had my choice, I'd live in Hawaii .

I hope you can make some close relationships not just on boards, but over the phone. I believe boards have limitations.

About SA, we need to develop courage. They say we must keep facing our fears. I know, it's cliche. I've been trying to overcome my SA but haven't. I believe the key is to find people who are also dealing with it and walk with them.

Doing things alone, whether learning, running a business, even working a job, is hard. I hope we can give each other strength on this journey.