My husband and I work for the same company (not the same division). He works in a different building so we don't see each other during the day. He was working with an Engineer that has a reputation of having affairs with married men. I trusted my husband and felt he wouldn't fall for a woman like her. Well--I was wrong! I found out he was having an emotional affair with her for over a year--The intensity increased in April of this year. My daughter started telling me they would work out together and the woman would bring her lunch. That really tore my heart! I found out right after our Disney World Trip in August. I even remember the date and time August 10th at 11:43am. When I found out I confronted him and he didn't deny it. He told me he felt relieved after I found out because he didn't know how to end it. We've both been going to church and reading our Bible's daily. why can't I forget? Why can't I forgive him? I still bring up the incident. I ask him questions about what they talked about. He says he's put it behind him but I ask him "what about me?" You left victims behind--what about helping me mend my broken heart? He gets angry and wants to throw in the towel and call it quits. He hasn't left his position at this company. He still sees her--in fact his cubicle is right next to hers. He's ended it with her and he even asked his supervisor not to put them on the same projects--so far so good. I have found out stuff in the last month that he's lied about. How can I forgive someone that is still lying to me? He says he isn't asking for forgiveness or trust. I am in so much pain that I know it is hurting my children too. How can I make this all stop hurting? Sometimes I feel God isn't listening to me because I can't forgive him. Help!!
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How can I forgive my cheating husband??
- Thread starter TNC
- Start date
I'm going to drop a grenade....
Men cannot commit the sin of adultery against their wives. There is no scriptural backing for this notion. Jesus touches on one possibility, but remember, the man in his example has already divorced his wife, and thus that woman is no longer his wife, which brings me back to the first assertion, Men cannot commit the sin of adultery against their wives.
Most of us speak a vow of exclusivity during marriage and a man that "cheats" on his wife has lied to her. That's not good and the breaking of such a vow is a serious thing. The presumption that follows in many of these situations is that the woman is entitled to divorce. That's usually the next step. Your husband, if he is having an affair, needs to end it because he has vowed otherwise to you (assuming that he has). The church needs to enter into the fray to hold him to his vow. It's interesting that you state that your husband is having an "emotional" affair with this woman but not a sexual one. If this is true, far less damage has been done and your churches involvement may spare you from the greater damage of a real sexual relationship between these two people.
Hugh McBryde
Men cannot commit the sin of adultery against their wives. There is no scriptural backing for this notion. Jesus touches on one possibility, but remember, the man in his example has already divorced his wife, and thus that woman is no longer his wife, which brings me back to the first assertion, Men cannot commit the sin of adultery against their wives.
Most of us speak a vow of exclusivity during marriage and a man that "cheats" on his wife has lied to her. That's not good and the breaking of such a vow is a serious thing. The presumption that follows in many of these situations is that the woman is entitled to divorce. That's usually the next step. Your husband, if he is having an affair, needs to end it because he has vowed otherwise to you (assuming that he has). The church needs to enter into the fray to hold him to his vow. It's interesting that you state that your husband is having an "emotional" affair with this woman but not a sexual one. If this is true, far less damage has been done and your churches involvement may spare you from the greater damage of a real sexual relationship between these two people.
Hugh McBryde
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Hugh McBryde... I wish I really knew where you were coming from in your response to TNC. I'm not trying to be critical of your post because I hope you meant it for clarity and good. I'm just not really sure that you conveyed that in your message. If you wouldn't mind, would you please explain you position with regard to the OP. I believe that by doing so you may be able to better communicate your intentions to TNC and her concerns. Thank you sir.
TNC... If I have spoken out of place/line, please (both of you) forgive me. I'm just reading Hugh's reply and wondering if you felt like I did, or if you fully understand what he is attempting to communicate...Michael
TNC... If I have spoken out of place/line, please (both of you) forgive me. I'm just reading Hugh's reply and wondering if you felt like I did, or if you fully understand what he is attempting to communicate...Michael
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Oh boy, TNC. I'm sorry that you are going through this betrayal in your marriage....and I'm sorry that the first response back to your post here was full of so much BS.
Anyway, as you know an emotional affair can often be even more damaging than a physical affair, because the emotions involved often prevent a complete break between the two people having the affair. This is all so recent for you that there is no way you could ever expect to be at the forgiving stage yet....especially if the lies are still coming. How can you know what to forgive until you know what the truth is????
I would strongly urge you to seek counseling in order to try to begin to put the shattered pieces of your marriage back together. Another great resource is the Marriage Builders website.....lots of great info. on how to rebuild your marriage after infidelity....and there is a great forum that can offer you tons of support. One of the first things you will find out is that most "experts" recommend a wayward spouse leave his job if the other person works there....they don't believe recovery can even start until a COMPLETE BREAK IN CONTACT is enforced between the two.
Anyway, as you know an emotional affair can often be even more damaging than a physical affair, because the emotions involved often prevent a complete break between the two people having the affair. This is all so recent for you that there is no way you could ever expect to be at the forgiving stage yet....especially if the lies are still coming. How can you know what to forgive until you know what the truth is????
I would strongly urge you to seek counseling in order to try to begin to put the shattered pieces of your marriage back together. Another great resource is the Marriage Builders website.....lots of great info. on how to rebuild your marriage after infidelity....and there is a great forum that can offer you tons of support. One of the first things you will find out is that most "experts" recommend a wayward spouse leave his job if the other person works there....they don't believe recovery can even start until a COMPLETE BREAK IN CONTACT is enforced between the two.
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Michael,
The post by TNC looks like a ramp up to divorce to me. Christian women can't divorce christian men. The "Grenade" remark is geared towards the response I expect get for saying what I said. In that I believe God elects those to salvation, not me, I am less worried about how I might appear to others, I am more concerned with the truth and how it applies to our lives. It strikes me that TNC has not declared an actual affair to have occurred, I recognize the danger of an emotional connection with a woman who has a track record of sexual relationships with married men. I'm trying to point out where this sort of thing can, and cannot go, per God's word.
Hugh McBryde
The post by TNC looks like a ramp up to divorce to me. Christian women can't divorce christian men. The "Grenade" remark is geared towards the response I expect get for saying what I said. In that I believe God elects those to salvation, not me, I am less worried about how I might appear to others, I am more concerned with the truth and how it applies to our lives. It strikes me that TNC has not declared an actual affair to have occurred, I recognize the danger of an emotional connection with a woman who has a track record of sexual relationships with married men. I'm trying to point out where this sort of thing can, and cannot go, per God's word.
Hugh McBryde
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TNC said:
TNC said:
TNC... I am so sorry you have had to face such a tremendously painful event in your life, yet our Lord has told us He would never allow us to go through something we can't handle or that He hasn't prepared us for (though we may not feel "prepared"). These events really test our faith and let us know what we are made of, hopefully we are made of a whole lot of Holy Spirit because we need to be and because we often cant make it through these times without the Holy Spirit.
The major difference between an emotional affair and a sexual affair has to do more with spiritual bonds a spouse and his or her lover have now made. There are some psychological affects for most people that are different between the two types of affairs as well, but both are excruciatingly painful. You left me believing that this relationship may have gotten to the physical stage, however, that wasnt' real clear. Did your husband stop at the emotional or take it to the physical?
Either way you have a long road ahead of you and prayerfully you will both walk down this road together. I believe that it is important to involve your pastor (from a theological/accountability perspective) and the services of a professional Christian counselor (for the psychological perspective primarily). These two sources will be most helpful in your journey to forgiveness, pain relief, and reconciliation of your relationship. I would also suggest that you may want to have a very close and spiritually mature female friend involved with you personally because you may need the exhortation during this time, someone who will keep you founded in the Word of God, and ensure that your prayer life is being practiced. I wouldnt suggest trying to overcome this on your own and I thinks its important that you process your pain properly. You raise a good point about God listening to you when you havent yet forgiven your husband; He knows your heart and whether or not you really do want to get to a place of forgiveness (which I believe you probably do want), so I would speak that out in your prayers (a prayer He will definitely be listening to) and ask Him to lead/guide/and direct your every step down this road. Its really easy to blame God or fall into a depressed/rebellious state at this time and rather than running to God, we avoid Him as much as possible. I had to make this choice in my separation from my wife. Thankfully, I make the decision to get REAL close to the Lord, rather than distance myself. He is the only one Who I can rely on, and Who has given me the strength each day to live pretty successfully in spite of my circumstances.
I will pray for you and your family. I hope my comments might be helpful to you and if you have additional questions you can post them or send a private message if you prefer Michael
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Hugh McBryde... If you are saying that a Christian wife can't divorce her Christian husband if adultery has occurred, I would have to disagree with you on biblical grounds. Now, I believe this should always be the very last consideration and that even in the event of divorce do to infidelity, their are considerable costs to any and all actions. Divorce is not God's preferred method for resolving an adulterous spouse, but He has made this an option. Paul said elsewhere (and not specifically regarding divorce) that Everything is permissible (allowable and lawful) for me; but not all things are helpful (good for me to do, expedient and profitable when considered with other things). Everything is lawful for me, but I will not become the slave of anything or be brought under its power (1 Corinthians 6:12). I truly believe that God is much more glorified by our testimony of a marriage "surviving" an affair. Fortunately, I have known many marriages that have survived, but in all cases it has taken very strong, mature, committed, Christians to press through the process of recovery from such an event...MichaelPrakk said:
PS I didn't get the feeling at all that the OP was considering divorce, but maybe I didn't read things clearly enough.
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Kelly
Dungeon Master
Thanks for the lesson in scripture Mr. McBryde. Eliphaz, Bildad & Zophar would be proud. Thanks for helping build up and strengthen this poor Christian woman in her time of desperate need. Let's legalize the text and find out what she can and can't do as a woman, while she anguishes over the wrong that has been done to her and her need to find grace to forgive her husband. Turning this thread into a theological debate on the sexes, I'm pretty disappointed.
TNC, I hope Jesus grants you the grace you need to forgive your husband. An emotional affair is just as painful as a physical one, and is no different.
TNC, I hope Jesus grants you the grace you need to forgive your husband. An emotional affair is just as painful as a physical one, and is no different.
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Michael,
If we are to refrain from sexual immorality/fornication/adultery (the word used depends on the translation) as mentioned in Acts 15 in the letter to the gentile churches, just what, do you suppose, constituted sexual immorality? To the Jews writing that letter in the context of Jesus statements about the law in Matthew 5, that it does not pass away until heaven and earth do, I would have to say that Adultery is defined as the Old Testament law defines it. Thus only adultery, which is never defined as a man having sex with a female that is not presently his wife, is the only reason for divorce and it's simply not defined as a sin that a man can commit against his wife. Jesus says a man can commit adultery against a woman, but this is only in the event that he first divorces her (thus she is not his wife any longer) and does so for inadequate reason (namely her adultery). He then must marry again, thus commiting adultery against his EX.
Hugh McBryde
If we are to refrain from sexual immorality/fornication/adultery (the word used depends on the translation) as mentioned in Acts 15 in the letter to the gentile churches, just what, do you suppose, constituted sexual immorality? To the Jews writing that letter in the context of Jesus statements about the law in Matthew 5, that it does not pass away until heaven and earth do, I would have to say that Adultery is defined as the Old Testament law defines it. Thus only adultery, which is never defined as a man having sex with a female that is not presently his wife, is the only reason for divorce and it's simply not defined as a sin that a man can commit against his wife. Jesus says a man can commit adultery against a woman, but this is only in the event that he first divorces her (thus she is not his wife any longer) and does so for inadequate reason (namely her adultery). He then must marry again, thus commiting adultery against his EX.
Hugh McBryde
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Remember sweetie that in order for God to forgive us of our sins, we must forgive each other. I know this is a hard time for you, but this SOON SHALL PASS! Rely totally on God for your strength and your will to go on. Continue reading your bible and going to church, this will help. Remember that God can do anything. I am sure it would be hard to trust him again, but it seems that you are a strong woman and you can do it. It is fine to let him know how you feel, but I would not continue to bring up the subject. Try to move on and things will get better.
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I
InTheFlame
Guest
TNC - I think Jill Ann had an excellent suggestion. Marriage counselling will get a (relatively) unbiased viewpoint into the situation and allow you to communicate more effectively with each other, because you have a guide through the conversations you need to have.
*huggggggggggggggggggg* God bless.
*huggggggggggggggggggg* God bless.
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Thank you all for your responses. My husband and I will be married 18 years in November. We were high school sweethearts and married right out of high school.
My husband says that he never slept with this woman but I found out that he took vacation days I didn't know about. He also told me that he never went to her house and later a friend of ours told me he did--he then confessed and said he did go to this woman's house.
I don't want to divorce my husband. I just want the pain to stop. I know that the only reason I can function day to day is because the Lord is carrying me through this dark valley. I don't even want to imagine how much more this would be hurting if God wasn't there for me. I guess I just want instant relief from the pain.
Again--thanks to everyone that had supportive words and I ask that you please keep me and my family in your prayers.
TNC
My husband says that he never slept with this woman but I found out that he took vacation days I didn't know about. He also told me that he never went to her house and later a friend of ours told me he did--he then confessed and said he did go to this woman's house.
I don't want to divorce my husband. I just want the pain to stop. I know that the only reason I can function day to day is because the Lord is carrying me through this dark valley. I don't even want to imagine how much more this would be hurting if God wasn't there for me. I guess I just want instant relief from the pain.
Again--thanks to everyone that had supportive words and I ask that you please keep me and my family in your prayers.
TNC
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E
EmSchmem
Guest
OK Just because you forgive doesn't mean you are never going to feel hurt or trust him right away either. Don't put a lot of pressure on yourself to feel a certain way. Continue to choose to forgive him and slooooowly there will be less hurt and it will come less often. Trust and forgiveness are not necessarily coneected. He is continuing to lie about you and has not been upfront about this relationship. I agree with the marital counseling. Is he willing to go? Does your church have a good base of counselors?TNC said:
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I agree here and with the marital counseling. You are human too and healing takes time. It will not come over night. The part that bothers me is he continues to lie to you. You will not begin to trust him until this stops. Sometimes, and I don't think it is right, a person will lie to try and either spare another from more pain or to try and "save face" or not lose more than what they have.EmSchmem said:
I will keep you in my prayers and your family. I will also pray for this other woman. It seems she needs them too.
~God Bless
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TNC - I'm sorry you are in this situation.
Think of this as a wound, and healing as forgivness. It's a process. One does not flip a switch and have instantly forgiven someone who has harmed you so deeply.
Further, healing cannot begin until you have cleaned out the wound and know the severity of it so that you can use the proper treatment. Sticthes? burn ointment? tetnus shot? antibiotics??? You husband has yet to tell you the whole truth of what went on. Clearly it is painful for him and he would rather just rebuild your marriage. But you cannot build anew on top of a pile of rubble. Te rubble has to be cleared awway.
A dear friend of mine had a husband who cheated on her, and over the years she kept learning new things about his infidelity. Each new revelation (he cheated over the CHristmas she's lost a baby... he cheated with a student of hers...other students knew at the time...) was a rewounding. One cannot forgive what one does not know about. "An affair" is not a single action that can be forgiven in one action. Forgiving the affair will be a series of forgivnesses.
Think of this as a wound, and healing as forgivness. It's a process. One does not flip a switch and have instantly forgiven someone who has harmed you so deeply.
Further, healing cannot begin until you have cleaned out the wound and know the severity of it so that you can use the proper treatment. Sticthes? burn ointment? tetnus shot? antibiotics??? You husband has yet to tell you the whole truth of what went on. Clearly it is painful for him and he would rather just rebuild your marriage. But you cannot build anew on top of a pile of rubble. Te rubble has to be cleared awway.
A dear friend of mine had a husband who cheated on her, and over the years she kept learning new things about his infidelity. Each new revelation (he cheated over the CHristmas she's lost a baby... he cheated with a student of hers...other students knew at the time...) was a rewounding. One cannot forgive what one does not know about. "An affair" is not a single action that can be forgiven in one action. Forgiving the affair will be a series of forgivnesses.
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TNC - Before you go any further down any road (most specifically toward separation or divorce), I would recommend you check out a marriage restoration ministry called "Restore Ministries International". This ministry will speak to your issues directly; directly from the Bible. The founder of this ministry is a woman whose husband had an affair, and yet they have restored their marriage. She knows where you are at and what you are dealing with. Take some time to investigate this. It sounds like you want to make your marriage work, but just don't know how to deal with your feelings. You can still make choices, choices to forgive, whether you feel like it or not. Make the right choices first, the choices obedient to God, and your feelings will follow as God changes your heart...
Don't give up on your marriage; don't give up on God. He is the God of the impossible. Mark 10:27 "Jesus looked a them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God"". Believe it and trust HIM!!!!
Don't give up on your marriage; don't give up on God. He is the God of the impossible. Mark 10:27 "Jesus looked a them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God"". Believe it and trust HIM!!!!
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HeyBA12... Great post. Restore Ministries is awesome..you can read about numerous marriages that have been restored there. I am also standing for my marriage and I know others who are as well...MichaelHeyBA12 said:
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I firmly disagree with this comment.Prakk said:
But that is not something that need be discussed in this thread - let's try to keep the focus on this OP's original request if possible.
I agree with Bliz, Michael, Brian and others that this is a difficult situation for a person to get through, but it is not at all difficult for God to get us through it....
bkg
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