His Needs, Her Needs

[JoieDeVivre]

In his book His Needs/Her Needs, Dr. Willard Harley discovered that [married] men and women have five major needs. They are:

Five major needs of women:

1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Openess and honesty
4. Financial support
5. Family commitment

Five major needs of men:

1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Recreational companionship
3. An attractive spouse
4. Domestic support
5. Admiration

It's interesting to note how vastly different the needs of men are from women. For those who are married, what are your thoughts? Do you agree with the five listed above or do you have other needs which aren't part of the list?

 

[layne]

I agree with all five for women except financial support (for myself at least), but I'm sure some women need sexual fulfillment and admiration as well.
The one for men totally hits the nail on the head! Haha!

 

[Phoebe]

I think love belongs at the top of both lists.

When a man and woman truly love each other, all the other stuff happens.

We start having problems, even just minor ones, when we are too worried about our own fulfillment.

 

[Dawn Marie]

Yeah, not all people are the same... no matter who says so...

 

[Tami]

3rd April 2003 at 01:22 PM JoieDeVivre said this in Post #1

In his book His Needs/Her Needs, Dr. Willard Harley discovered that [married] men and women have five major needs. They are:

Five major needs of women:

1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Openess and honesty
4. Financial support
5. Family commitment

Five major needs of men:

1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Recreational companionship
3. An attractive spouse
4. Domestic support
5. Admiration

It's interesting to note how vastly different the needs of men are from women. For those who are married, what are your thoughts? Do you agree with the five listed above or do you have other needs which aren't part of the list?

I think both lists are pretty accurate as far as my marriage goes.

Tami

 

[GREG]

where is football on the mens list........

 

[Miyu]

3rd April 2003 at 06:44 PM Phoebe said this in Post #3

When a man and woman truly love each other, all the other stuff happens. 

 

I disagree.

Think of it this way...I am a woman...the things that I want and need are different from that of a man...conversation and affection are pretty important to me (just to take some examples from the list).  So, since that is what I really like, then, because I truly love my fiance, it would be reasonable for me to make sure that I showed him a lot of affection and talked a lot.

BUT...maybe different things are important to him, such as admiration, and doing stuff together (recreational companionship)...so, because he really truly loves me, he shows me lots of admiration, and is always trying to include me in activities with him.

Each of us is kinda of thinking that he/she wished the other did this or that...and each is trying to really show love...but we are sort of missing things...

 

Not that you need a book to get it right. (well...there is one Book you need)  Books are helpful, but you can also just ask your husband or wife what is important.  Still...the book is a good one. I have read parts of it, and the author offers some good insights.

 

[Wide-eyedWithWonder]

  These lists are what is generally accurate.  Obviously, men and women need the needs on each other's list to be met also; they are just not generally as important as the five major ones.

 

[Evening Mist]

I think that *if* these accurately represent the needs of most men and women, then they are socialized needs and not inate needs. I think if boys and girls were raised differently than they are, they would grow up "needing" different things. Boys are sometimes raised with the expectation that they "need" an attractive wife to clean their house and raise their children. Girls are sometimes raised with the expectation that they *need* a husband to provide financially for them. It doesn't mean that is what they *actually* need.

I think that probably, when we are open and honest about our true gifts and our true desires, that each of us needs all the things on both list.

 

[Miyu]

While I agree that some of these needs might indeed be dictated by culture or circumstance (particuarly the financial/domestic needs) I believe things are a lot more inate than we might imagine.

When my daughter was born, I avoided dressing her in pink and I also made sure that she had a variety of toys, both "girl" toys and "boy" toys...I didn't want to push her into being overly feminine. Well, as soon as she was old enough to have an opinion...I would say around 3 years old, maybe younger, she only wanted to wear pink dresses...and when she would play with her cars and trucks, she would play "family cars" with them...assigning a "mommy" car, a "daddy" car, a "sister" car and a "baby" car. She would have then talk to each other and stuff, just as if they were dolls...

 

[pete5]

BIG STOP SIGN!!!!!

go to www . marriagebuilders . com for Dr. Willard Harley's FULL explenation and most of the dissagreement here will end.

I have read nearly everything in his site, and his wisdom is blowing my mind!

Harley says that people 'fall in love' romandic love NOT Gods love because their emotional needs are being overwhealmingly met by a particular person. He says there are 10 basic needs and then he gives they typical man/woman breakdown.

He stresses that this breakdown is the AVERAGE and not representative of every man or woman. Personaly, I am a bloke, but most of my biggest needs are on the womans list.

 

[en|gma]

Personaly, I am a bloke, but most of my biggest needs are on the womans list.

LOL....that's a good one. Personally, I don't believe in putting people into boxes. Enumerating needs for each sex is putting them into boxes. Is this one supported by scientific research? If not, then this one is purely theoretical and generalizing. As you've just said....your needs are in the woman's list...you shouldn't doubt your sexuality or orientation...I say there's a middle ground for man and woman's needs. Saying they have a totally different set of needs negates why they should be together....being together will drive both of them crazy. If this is a priority list for needs....then perhaps I can somehow accept it but not totally.

 

[MAC]

3rd April 2003 at 11:22 AM JoieDeVivre said this in Post #1

In his book His Needs/Her Needs, Dr. Willard Harley discovered that [married] men and women have five major needs. They are:

Five major needs of women:

1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Openess and honesty
4. Financial support
5. Family commitment

Five major needs of men:

1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Recreational companionship
3. An attractive spouse
4. Domestic support
5. Admiration

It's interesting to note how vastly different the needs of men are from women. For those who are married, what are your thoughts? Do you agree with the five listed above or do you have other needs which aren't part of the list?

I guess if this is what makes marriage a whole or a happy one!

 

 

[MAC]

Maybe I have to head and see different I my self feel a little tired with mine relation. Even do it could be that I have to much pride or I need to step back and see where I am failing. I have five years and it been a roller coaster. There is love but sometimes I feel short in my needs not been met, I guess I goes the same way to her too.

 

[pete5]

MAC... some great advice I have read about that:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3100_how.html

the links on the left follow through with his advice


the way he describes things can be a little bit cheesy... but his observations are very accurate (he is very good on the area of meeting needs)

good luck!

 

[MAC]

thank you...

 

[Memory's Flame]

I've made my own list!

Hers:

1. Love (Never Ending)

2. Companionship (friendship)

3. Financial Support (I plan on being a stay at home mom)

4. Acceptance of me (my family; my faith)

5. Commitment

His: (meaning my boyfriend)

1. Love

2. Friendship

3. Similar Hobbies (cars and football)

4. Loyalty (especially to family)

5. Honesty

My boyfriend and I have been together since 1997 and are best of friends and love each other very much. We made these lists last summer when we moved in together... kind of a way to prioritize things in our relationship...

 

[straightforward]

I would have to say my biggest need is that my husband keep his eye on God...from there I know I am secure and we can make it through anything. Whenever we disagree or feel hurt we hold each other accountable to God and see what He has to say about it...that's the way it's supposed to work...isn't it. What we all need on the top of our list is God.

 

[49erfan]

This is a good start for understanding the needs of your spouse. Anyone really interested in this idea should also look at The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.