Funny Preacher Stories

[Jim B]

I would like to hear some funny preacher stories (real ones). Maybe you have one.

Take for example, spoonerisms.

A “spoonerism” is, according to the dictionary, “The transposition of usually initial sounds in a pair of words.” Spoonerism comes from the name of the Rev. William Archibald Spooner (1844-1930), a kindly but nervous Anglican clergyman and educationalist who became notorious for getting his words mixed up. Here are some classic spoonerisms from the good Reverend himself:

 We all know what it is to have a half-warmed fish ["half-formed wish"] inside us.
 The Lord is a shoving leopard ["loving shepherd"].
 It is kisstomary to cuss ["customary to kiss"] the bride.
 Is the bean dizzy ["dean busy"]?
 When the boys come back from France, we'll have the hags flung out ["flags hung out"]!
 Let me sew you to your sheet ["show you to your seat"].

Years ago, my brother took a young preacher from his church to a neighboring town so the novice could get some experience in the pulpit. The youngster’s name was Eddie Bass (remember the name). The pastor of the church was a rip-snorting pareacher who had a reputation for sometimes allowing his mouth to outrun is brain and was guilty of misstatements (sometimes spoonerisms).

After all the prelims, the pastor got up and announced, “Brothers and Sisters, we’re happy to have with us tonight one of East Texas' own, Betty A**!”



It really happened.

Have you got a real-life story you would like to share?

 

[SpiritPsalmist]

Oh, this one I can get into.

One Sunday morning at the Assembly of God I use to attend we had a visiting minister. I don't remember the topic of the sermon but at one point he was talking about when in the garden of Gethsemene, Peter took out his sword and cut off the guy's ear. Well. . .what actually came out of the minister's mouth was, "and he took out his sword and cut off his Peter." The sermon was pretty much lost after that. We all were rolling on the floor laughing.

 

[Trish1947]

Im dying with laughter.hahahahaha..

 

[Iddie4him]

Oh, this one I can get into.

One Sunday morning at the Assembly of God I use to attend we had a visiting minister. I don't remember the topic of the sermon but at one point he was talking about when in the garden of Gethsemene, Peter took out his sword and cut off the guy's ear. Well. . .what actually came out of the minister's mouth was, "and he took out his sword and cut off his Peter." The sermon was pretty much lost after that. We all were rolling on the floor laughing.

I think if I had been that visiting minister, I probably woulda found a small hole to crawl into till things ended.....

 

[Jim B]

One of my most embarrassing moments was some years ago when I made a pastoral call at the home of a new mother for the first time. Soon after I got to there the baby began crying and the mother began breast feeding him. I am extremely (pathologically) modest by nature and was very uncomfortable, though I tried not to show it. I just kept looking up at the ceiling.

After an uncomfortable time the mother’s six-year-old son came into the room. She said, pointing her little boy, “Pastor, don’t you think Justin has the cutest dimples.”

“Yes," I stammered, "he sure does have cute nipples, uh, dimples.”

She got the message, covered up better, and I scooted home, kicking myself all the back.

\o/

 

[Iddie4him]

One of my most embarrassing moments was some years ago when I made a pastoral call at the home of a new mother for the first time. Soon after I got to there the baby began crying and the mother began breast feeding him. I am extremely (pathologically) modest by nature and was very uncomfortable, though I tried not to show it. I just kept looking up at the ceiling.

After an uncomfortable time the mother’s six-year-old son came into the room. She said, pointing her little boy, “Pastor, don’t you think Justin has the cutest dimples.”

“Yes," I stammered, "he sure does have cute nipples, uh, dimples.”

She got the message, covered up better, and I scooted home, kicking myself all the back.

\o/

I'd have died of embarrasment. Plus, Probably never be able to look her in the eyes again !!

 

[Philip Babineaux]

I have a pretty funny story, from several years back...

We had this foreign missionary come to speak all the way down here in Louisiana at our A/G church, and the way God had opened doors for him to minister apparently was from his ability to fight (hand to hand)... he trained special forces in other countries, and ministered... or something crazy like that... well... at the time I was about 16 or 17, and he decided he wanted to use someone as an object lesson... so he called on me to come to the front! haha... of course, I was like 5' 8", 140 lbs... So he twists my arm behind my back and flips me on to his hip, turning me sideways, so all the blood starts rushing to my face.... my arm felt like it was going top break, and he just held me up there like a trophy whie talking for a minute or two... then he simply flips me on to the ground, and I stammered back to my seat, bloodshot, and with a severely sore arm... I was about 5 seconds away from hitting this guy! HAHA... it was definitely one of the most embarassing moments of my life... in or out of church...

 

[lorilou]

i have 2 funny ones:

1.) One of our pastors got up to welcome a visiting family: Their last name was Dam. He said "We're glad to have Bro. & Sis. Dam here tonight...we're glad to have the whole Dam family"

2.) A visiting preacher at our church came to the pulpit and got a little confused. He said "Please turn to 2nd glasses while I take out my Peter." He was so mortified he closed his Bible and left the platform and someone else had to preach!

 

[Jim B]

i have 2 funny ones:

1.) One of our pastors got up to welcome a visiting family: Their last name was Dam. He said "We're glad to have Bro. & Sis. Dam here tonight...we're glad to have the whole Dam family"

2.) A visiting preacher at our church came to the pulpit and got a little confused. He said "Please turn to 2nd glasses while I take out my Peter." He was so mortified he closed his Bible and left the platform and someone else had to preach!

Saucy!!

But funny. I break out in hysterics every time I think about these and can't tell them for laughing.

Thanks for medicine.

\o/

 

[Jim B]

Some years ago, a rough oilfield worker named Bulldog was converted in an East Texas Baptist church and immediately felt a “call to preach.” In his 30s and only having an 8th grade education, seminary was out or the question, so he began preaching wherever he could. He was an enthusiastic, rough-and-tough, no-holds-barred, take-no-prisoners kind of preacher. People loved him and sinners were converted wherever Bulldog had an opportunity to preach.

Within a year, a small church in the pineywoods was in need of a pastor.

Bulldog was available.

And the next thing you know he is the pastor of a rural congregation even though he was not yet two-years-old in the Lord. Things went well for several months. The Reverend Bulldog would preach his usual blistering “come to Jesus” sermons, open the altars, and people would flock to salvation. The church was growing, the deacons were happy, and the little Baptist church was filled with joy.

But one Sunday, Bulldog chose as his topic, “The Devil.” In his sermon, he related how the Satan had deceived him for so many years, ruined his life with alcohol and drugs, robbed him of happiness, and caused his family to suffer. His face grew redder and redder, his veins bulged, his voice grew louder … and the next thing you know, profanities began to flow from the pulpit as Bulldog told the Devil just exactly what he thought about him.

The congregation was mortified and Bulldog’s wife slunk down in her pew.

Suddenly the rough preacher realized what he had done and stopped abruptly. The church was deathly silent. People were stunned. And not knowing what to do, Bulldog took his Bible, hung his head, walked up the aisle with his disgraced family in tow, and headed for the refuge of the nearby parsonage.

The congregation continued to sit in stunned silence not knowing what to do.

Finally, an old elder arose and walked to the front of the church. “Bothers and sisters,” he said, “We all knew what kind of life Brother Bulldog led before the Lord saved him last year. I am sure he is very sorry for what he has said and probably expects us to fire him. But, you will have to admit that the Devil is everything our pastor said he was and I know our pastor regrets what he has just said, so I say we forgive him, call him back, and give him a raise in salary to boot.”

The congregation cheered, someone ran next door to fetch Bulldog and he finished his sermon and continued to pastor the church for more than a decade.

I don’t know if this is an apocryphal story or it really happened but I would like to think Christians are just this good.

\o/

 

[kidsminister]

This is actually a story about our pastor's wife...

She was the director of Vacation Bible School one summer, and I was in charge of all the drama and puppetry. Each day we had a "letter from God" that was read to the kids by the guy in the sound booth.

One morning, the sound guy didn't make it. She came up to me during opening, while I was sitting with a bunch of unchurched kids, and whispered very loudly, "God didn't show up today!" All the kids looked at me, mortified, while I told her I'd try to think of something.

A few minutes later, she came back to me, and whispered - again, very loudly - "Don't worry about it - I found us a new God."

Hopefully those kids aren't scarred for life...

 

[P_G]

About 3 weeks ago I had an indigiounus missionary from Tanzania visit at Nehemiah Center - Pastor George is his name
Well we do a web cast of the service and I invited him to preach the sermon that evening. Well he was so excited by the technology and the hospitatlity and all and he sets onto preaching and I take my seat in the congregation ready to relax and be fed.

Well as he begins to preach I notice he takes off his shoes. Now this is nothing unusualy really many times I preach in sock feet too. Honoring the holy ground of the sanctuary.

Well my brother delivers a wonderfu powerful sermon and I get up to thank him and one of the things I always say is "That just blessed my socks off" Well I said that favorite line of mine and as I said it I happened to look down and lo and behold Brother Pastor had indeed blessed his own socks off! He was standing there in the pulpit barefooted. It was so funny that we both laughed and the poor congregation both localy and via net must have thought we were nuts.


Blessings

Pastor George (The one with socks)

PS if any one would like a CD of that sermon drop me a line and it's yours

 

[Jim B]

Oops. Ignore this post.

 

[lorilou]

jim,
i enjoyed that story about bulldog! it had a great ending too! one of our pastor's was preaching about how sinners sometimes feel one night and somehow ended up throwing in the old saying "well they just feel dam--- if they do...dam--- if they don't" !! he didn't mean to include the second part but it sort of came out! he was quite embarassed but he finished preaching! We kinda have to have the "it happens to the best of us" mentality with things like that i suppose!

 

[shout2thelord]

ok i cant think of any pastor things other than Brian houston at hillsong 2001 talking about lazarus up a tree instead of zacheus. and its funny because 20 yrs earlier he had been at a street outreach in manly and someone was speaking and calling zacheus nicodemus and everyone was laughing because even unchurched people new it was zachues. so eventually brian got so worked up he shouted out not nicodemus lazarus!

Also there is a church in wales and on its website has a humor pages of misread or funny worded notices some are :-
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. ...prayer and medication to follow.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

really i should just post a link because it has me cracking up - sry if im doing the off topic thing again

 

[Jim B]

#1

Brother Koontz was noted for his plain speech. Years ago, when one of his members started keeping his store open on Sundays, the pastor visited him.

"Well, Brother Koontz, you know what the Bible says about the ox falling in the ditch."

"Yes, but if I had an ox that fell in the ditch every Sunday, I'd either shoot the ox or fill up the ditch, one or the other!"

------------

#2

The parsonage was near the court house, so ministers living there were often called upon for weddings. One older man, who had lived with a woman for years and had several children, stopped to ask if the Rev. Koontz would marry him to the woman, which he did a few days later.

One day about a year later, Koontz saw the man on the street and asked about the marriage, which had been forced by their asking for Social Security benefits. The man said, "I divorced her."

When the minister expressed surprise, the old man said, "And she was such a d**n good woman till I married her."

 

[J.A.I]

i have 2 funny ones:

1.) One of our pastors got up to welcome a visiting family: Their last name was Dam. He said "We're glad to have Bro. & Sis. Dam here tonight...we're glad to have the whole Dam family"

2.) A visiting preacher at our church came to the pulpit and got a little confused. He said "Please turn to 2nd glasses while I take out my Peter." He was so mortified he closed his Bible and left the platform and someone else had to preach!

Now those are funny

 

[Henhouse]

Not so much a funny, but I like this thread and wanted to add something:

Our pastor had been doing a series on Joyce Meyers book "Me and my Big Mouth." Every Sunday night for a month he'd been talking about the power of words, and how we need to speak positive things over ourselves. Right in the middle of this message, he stepped off the platform and almost tripped. He stopped and said "One of these days I'm gonna fall down those steps." I was sitting close to where he was, so pointed and said "You just did it!" He stopped, thanked me, and went on to use himself as an object lesson on how easy it is to curse yourself.

 

[PottersClay]

I was listening to D. James Kennedy's program one day. His guest was the author of a book about those who died, but experienced Hell before they were brought back to life. The book was called "To Hell and Back". At the close of the program, he was making the book available to callers. What he said was this:

For a donation of $10 or more, we'll send you To Hell and Back!

I still crack up when I think about it.

 

[Jim B]

A relative of mine was preaching an impassioned sermon to a youth rally. Part of his sermon touched on (gulp!) masturbation. At the conclusion of the message, he “felt led” to call all the youth to the front of the church where he had them join hands, forming long lines of repentant kids.

“Okay,” he said, “I want everyone to bow your heads and no one look around .. I mean NO ONE looking around.”

They dutifully bowed their heads and while each held their neighbors’ hands, he said, “Okay, now some of you are having a problem with masturbation. If you are having a problem in that area, I want you to lift your hand.”

(Remember: they are holding hands in a long chain).

No response.

“Okay, I know I heard from God on this. Someone here is having a problem in that area of your life.” Giggles. “I’m serious now!” More nervous laughs. “Now in Jesus’ name, I’m asking you one more time, if you’re having a problem with masturbation, lift your hand.”

Still no response. Lots more giggles.

Disgusted, he abruptly closed the service and left the platform with a puzzled look on his face

It wasn’t until several moments later that he learned why his appeal was so ineffective.

He remained locked in the pastor’s study until everyone had left.

\o/