Frigid Wife

[Lilolme2]

My wife has become totally unresponsive and has no desire to have relations,
otherwise we get along wonderfully

How do I save my marriage? It is written in 1 Cor 7:9 that we should marry so as not to burn but what does a married man do?

 

[servant of Merciful Love]

Welcome to CF
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Request it here If you have trouble accessing the Men's Forum - post here (2)

Ask a Chaplain and areas of the Life Stages forum may also be of help.

I'll be praying for your situation, and that your time here may be blessed

 

[BFine]

Have you and your wife discussed the matter?
What does she say?
Are you both willing to seek counseling and work on restoring
the marital intimacy?

 

[Lilolme2]

Yes we have discussed it and she says she is at a loss.
She shows affection to me in other ways, buying me gifts and
clothes and stuff.
I am kind of hesitant about counseling, for her sake.
Restoring is kind of the wrong word, except for our honeymoon
and a little while after, we have hardly been intimate...

 

[bottledwater]

It sounds like that is just her nature. I wouldn't be overly concerned unless you are wanting more intimacy yourself, and if so, Maybe discuss your needs with her.
'I know lots of married people that are like that.
I was living with this girl years ago, that I thought was pretty hot.
I would have married her given enough time.
One day she left the house while I ran to the corner for milk for my morning cup of tea. When I got home I found a letter on the pillow in our room.
It said that I didn't give her enough sex, and she felt that I wasn't attracted to her. Boy, was she wrong about that.
But, in the end I am happier alone doing my own thing.
What I am getting at here is that your wife is not unique in this, and also that you both need to communicate your feelings to each other regularly.
God bless you Brother.



I just wanna add something to this post.
I in no way advocate living together out of wedlock. I was a backsliding christian at the time, and was not living as I should have been.
I would certainly not do it again, as it is immoral.

 

[iambren]

Your wife is living in sin in light of Paul's admonitions in Corinth 7. It is up to HER to find the way to fulfill HER covenant vows made at the marital altar. It may be hormonal,relational,psychological etc but she must tenaciously pursue an answer.

The short answer to your question is to divorce her due to her abandonment OR learn to live with it.

 

[QR1]

Yes we have discussed it and she says she is at a loss.
She shows affection to me in other ways, buying me gifts and
clothes and stuff.
I am kind of hesitant about counseling, for her sake.
Restoring is kind of the wrong word, except for our honeymoon
and a little while after, we have hardly been intimate...

You have discussed it, but have you asked the right questions? (the following I don't want answers to, but they may be useful questions for you)

What does she enjoy about sex / what does she not enjoy about sex?

Has she experienced sexual trauma (some studies say as many as 1 in four women have) and has she dealt with it if so?

What makes her feel like expressing herself sexually?

. . . . I could go on, but I need to shave my wife's legs for her . . .. oh, yeah, that reminds me. Are you expressing affection and physical intimacy that isn't a prelude to sex. . . . necessarily? Like back rubs, foot rubs, leg shaving, cooking meals. . . . if not, that could be a big piece of the puzzle.

One last thing for now, sex with someone who feels obligated is pretty much as satisfying as being with a prostitute or masturbating. I would strongly urge you to avoid lines of advice like - "Your wife is living in sin in light of Paul's admonitions in Corinth 7. It is up to HER to find the way to fulfill HER covenant vows made at the marital altar". In the end, your desire should be for her and her desire should be for you. . . . that will NEVER happen if she feels obligated either to "have sex to avoid sin" or "have sex to avoid divorce". Obliging a woman in that way is demeaning and won't get you where you want to go. Steer clear!

Okay, on to leg shaving before she starts with out me

 

[Odetta]

As a woman, I find iambren's advice insulting and demeaning. Especially from a man telling a woman what her obligations to him are. Taking that approach with her will kill whatever affection she holds for you.

As a woman who has experienced low libido, I can tell you that for me it came from two areas, which I share as ideas for you to explore with your wife. One area had to do with the fact that sex used to be kind of meh, honestly. Great sex takes practice and communication. I had to tell my husband what I liked and didn't like. The other area had to do with depression. It is very hard to feel desire when you are depressed. Even hard to notice, low level depression can have a profound impact on libido.

 

[Johnnz]

As a woman, I find iambren's advice insulting and demeaning. Especially from a man telling a woman what her obligations to him are. Taking that approach with her will kill whatever affection she holds for you.

The Scripture he quoted stands in its own right. She has a biblical responsibility to work at fulfilling her husband's sexual relationship with her.

As a woman who has experienced low libido, I can tell you that for me it came from two areas, which I share as ideas for you to explore with your wife. One area had to do with the fact that sex used to be kind of meh, honestly. Great sex takes practice and communication. I had to tell my husband what I liked and didn't like. The other area had to do with depression. It is very hard to feel desire when you are depressed. Even hard to notice, low level depression can have a profound impact on libido.

I agree that communication and men playing their part are important. Both parties to a marriage are to work out how they can fulfil the biblical standards. But the stress is on 'both'. Trauma, medical, teaching, family background all need to be examined with real desire and intention to meet the biblical concepts for marriage and sex.

John
NZ

 

[iambren]

"As a woman, I find iambren's advice insulting and demeaning and biblical. Especially from a man telling a woman what her obligations to him are. Taking that approach with her will kill whatever affection she holds for you." But it doesn't remove HER obligation.

There we go again--blame the man and you are off the hook. Precisely my point that it is HER responsibility to get back to the married bed. If there are suggestions she can give her husband to help the situation, fine.

BTW, I think it is very selfish to enter marriage while knowing that sex is just a "meh" thing. So you deliberately take another human being for a lifetime of a starvation diet sexually. When I see this blatant self-centeredness it always amazes me!

 

[Sketcher]

"As a woman, I find iambren's advice insulting and demeaning and biblical. Especially from a man telling a woman what her obligations to him are. Taking that approach with her will kill whatever affection she holds for you." But it doesn't remove HER obligation.

There we go again--blame the man and you are off the hook. Precisely my point that it is HER responsibility to get back to the married bed. If there are suggestions she can give her husband to help the situation, fine.

BTW, I think it is very selfish to enter marriage while knowing that sex is just a "meh" thing. So you deliberately take another human being for a lifetime of a starvation diet sexually. When I see this blatant self-centeredness it always amazes me!

Children, please.

Both spouses have a clear obligation to each other sexually. Both also have a clear obligation to love each other in other ways. The wife is going to need to be gently worked with. That is both in line with Christ's teaching and the most likely way for the husband to get what he wants.

 

[BFine]

Yes we have discussed it and she says she is at a loss.
She shows affection to me in other ways, buying me gifts and
clothes and stuff.
I am kind of hesitant about counseling, for her sake.
Restoring is kind of the wrong word, except for our honeymoon
and a little while after, we have hardly been intimate...

*Is that how you want things to be in your marriage?
Sexual intimacy is important, I don't think letting things go
much longer is wise...please, do not give the devil a foothold,
for he will tempt you to seek sexual intimacy elsewhere.

 

[tturt]

Suggest reading "Love and Respect" by Emerson - especially the original. Think he was a pastor for decades. The book is based on husbands Love your wives and wives Respect your husbands (Eph 5:33).

Another possibility is maybe she's just too tired. By the time, the job, the kids, house, laundry, errands, etc.

Also, someone mentioned depression or maybe there's another medical reason or combination of factors.

 

[Odetta]

I do not deny what the bible says about responsibilities of spouses to each other. However, in cases of low libido, there tends to be root problems that need to be addressed. Leading with you have to because the Bible says so does not address those issues and actually makes things a lot worse.

 

[ValleyGal]

Imo, to address the issue of Iambren's post, the manner of communication matters. Imo, his post sounds harsh to women, and it is not all that accurate when it comes to relationship. Yes, men and women have an obligation to each other, but that does not mean it's up to HER to find a resolution to HER problem. In all honesty, SHE doesn't have a problem with low libido. Rather HE (the OP) has a problem with his WIFE's low libido; therefore, it becomes a MARITAL problem for BOTH to resolve.

As has been mentioned, low libido has a whole lot of reasons including hormone issues (time of month, time of life, etc), medical (depression or side effect from a medicine, etc), genetic (just the way she is), situational (every marriage goes through their down-times), relational (maybe she needs more connection with you on a non-sexual level, more touching, more sharing, more openness, etc). Imo, the best thing you can do is make time to talk about each of the possible causes, and once the cause(s) have been identified, find out how to best address them.

A very important thing to remember in this though, is that if she feels for a second that the marriage is threatened because of this and it's up to HER to fix it, she will then likely feel resentful, making her even more turned off than she already is. In all of this, it is up to both of you to communicate respectfully and deal with this together in love for one another.

 

[pdudgeon]

I would say that communication is the key here, especially since it sounds like the two of you started out fine, but things quickly went downhill.

Somewhere expectations were not being met, communication between the two of you wasn't happening, and what was supposed to be a joyous and loving two way street became something else entirely.

You might want to start by going back to the beginning of your courtship and rediscovering things the two of you like to do together. There is some reconnecting that needs to happen first between the two of you in the areas of the eyes, the hands, the minds, and the hearts before you get to the bodies.

think of it like baseball--you've got to run the bases in order before you get to score by crossing home base.

 

[annafullofgrace]

Yes, communication! It plays a huge role on the entire relationship. Get that restored and hear each other and don't forget to listen.

 

[Goodbook]

There may be medical reason. Also she may have fears. It up to you the husband to address these fears. She needs to feel safe with you.

Buying you clothes and gifts doesnt sound like wifely affection it sounds kinda like she is more your mum. What would be wrong about going to counselling? Did you have any premarital counselling?

Can you tell us why you got married?
What are her feelings on having children?

 

[iambren]

"I would say that communication is the key here"

Sorry,but I disagree with this too. The OP laid out clearly where they both stood, and what they were going to do/or not do. Everybody seems to have communicated well where they stand.

I always see blinders on the part of many women when it comes to this subject. Let's take the subject of a man physically abusing his wife. HE doesn't have a problem with it, but SHE sure does. Would the advice be that she shapes up,treat him better or more lovingly so he stops. NO, HE is the one who should attend anger management, go to counseling, accept accountability. This is HIS responsibility.

But I tire of seeing the following chain of events:

1 Love,then marriage, loving marital sexuality.

2 Then the woman backs off.

3 The husband complains and feels abandoned (he is).

4 The problem is confessed.

5 Reaction: the MAN must talk more, take her out for more candlelight dinners,HE should adjust his approach in the boudoir. On and on it goes and she is greatly enabled to spin him in circles when HE is the one who has been defrauded. In this case she would not even go to counseling to help for solutions to her avoidance of sex. Of course we are dealing with two people in a relationship but if the first step to wholeness is to blame the man for something lacking, the prognosis is poor.

 

[ValleyGal]

Iambren, the woman has responsibility as well, but as the husband who is supposed to emulate the love of Christ for his wife - loving the church (wife) even while she was still yet a sinner - then he is the one who bears more weight for initiating the reconciliation process, whether that is in the bedroom or in another area of the marriage. Women are to respect the husband's attempts at making sure the relationship is in good standing. That said, she is not absolved of her part - she is also responsible for loving her husband. I just think more of the onus is on the husband. This is a huge responsibility that I do not think most men are equipped to accept.

In the OP scenario, if the two of them together explore the underlying reasons that she is not very sexually responsive, they might get to the bottom of the situation, and work together on a resolution. That is the ideal. Otherwise, I honestly think that the husband can behave in ways that will absolutely influence her desire for him. The OP has not discussed the entire context of the relationship. Who knows? Maybe he inadvertently and unknowingly says or does things that are just not a turn-on for her. Or maybe she's exhausted because he does not help out at home, etc. There are a million reasons and more that she might not be interested - some of those reasons might be relational, but certainly not all of them.

Ftr, there are a LOT of women out there who do not feel desired by their husband, and who have a much higher libido than their husbands, too, who are in the same position as the OP here. This is not an exclusively male problem.