Friends with benefits?

[ascribe2thelord]

Just wondering, are there any Christians out there who have been in what's called a "friends with benefits" relationship? (I'm still technically a virgin. Remember that for later on.)

I'll explain my situation. The background condition: There was a German girl (met her around the middle of Aug. 2002 on foreign exchange in her church in Lübeck) I had intense feelings for who would only be friends with me. I'll call her Anina. I envisioned myself as marrying her.

Strike one.

Sept. 2002 - May 2003, I had an ongoing relationship with another German girl (I'll call her Rebecca) that had actually gone out with me ... for whom I developed feelings, but who I just couldn't relate with because she didn't know the Lord. (I broke up with her.) We kept talking though. Upon my admission in September that I had fantasized about me and her having sex in some hotel in Lübeck, she stopped talking with me. (I wanted to move on then and I needed some way to do so. I have since repented of that sin.) But in November she started sending me conflicting messages... one would say she wanted to be in love with me again, the next would accuse me of using her as an object of lust and never loving her. These e-mails got progressively worse. Then in December, she sent me a shocking e-mail that made me feel like she was turning suicidal. I broke all communication with her because I knew it was me if anyone that would end up causing her to go over the edge. In addition to that I sent an urgent e-mail to Anina asking her to get in touch with Rebecca and to pray for her.

I started talking with Anina again, to keep some form of connection with Germany alive. (I'm majoring in German, so you can understand why I would want to do that.) I even sent her a Christmas gift.

In the meantime I developed feelings for a girl I'll call Joelle. I'd known her for a while, and I had seen her ex-boyfriend getting attached to another girl during a missionary trip I had just been on. So I felt pretty safe about approaching her. I knew she was upset about her ex-boyfriend getting into someone else, and I wanted to be the one to lift her up out of her emotional wreck. I sent her a Christmas gift and told her how I felt about her. She gave me a ten-minute sermon chewing me out for being filled with sinful lusts. Unfortunately she's scary like that, and very judgmental of other believers.

Strike two...

In January 2004, I started talking with an incredibly cute and precious (yet unbelieving) girl I'll call Cindy. She lives in my dorm. I gave her my testimony over instant messanger. She was amazed at my faith. Then one night she asked me if I'd like to watch a movie with her in her room. I came under the condition that I would leave after about thirty minutes to go to bed. While I was there, she asked me to sit on her bed. She promptly put her legs over mine... I felt uncomfortable, but tried not to let it on that I felt that way. As I was about to leave she begged me to sleep in her room. I said no, and kissed her good night.

Over the next few days she would say really confusing things to me, like, "I wanna be with you," and I didn't know what to think. She came to my room and said, "I just want to be friends with you. Is that okay?" I was weirded out. Something just wasn't right. Finally she admitted to me that she liked me. I said I wanted to talk it out with her. I didn't want to hurt her like all my past crushes had hurt me by just coldly saying no. We went into the third floor study room ... and I closed the door. Very, very bad idea. Thirty minutes and we were making out. When I finally realized what was happening, I stopped everything, got on my knees and right in front of her, I repented of it.

In return, she bought me a teddy bear and some really nice flowers for Valentine's day. I was so desperate not to hurt the girl's feelings that I bought her a half dozen roses. We therefore became a couple. On the Friday before Valentine's day, Feb. 2004, we went on our first date.

I eventually told her I just couldn't continue in the relationship. But we kept getting together. I would say to her, let's just be friends, but we kept getting physically close to each other, watching movies, cuddling, etc. Then one day I was holding her and I developed a pretty strong erection. She smirked at me: "What?" ... I didn't want to admit it to her, but she already knew. I said I didn't want for us to be doing things that get either one of us sexually aroused. She then whispered to me, "I like it!" Thus our relationship became sexual as opposed to just romantic. Still, as I would say, "just really close friends," we started experimenting with each others' bodies. She once tried to grope me but I removed her hand. Still, she and I did other things. Sometimes it involved the removal of clothing (not completely). Just before Easter break, we were in my room, dry humping under the covers, and what did I hear - ? "Hey Adam?" It was Shandra, my charismatic friend. "Are you coming to church with me tonight?" "Sure," I said, pretending that I wasn't lying shirtless on top of an equally undressed girl.

That Easter break my mom clamped down on me about my "just-friends" relationship with Cindy. I told her that I would be lonely not seeing her ... since obviously, "friends with benefits" is more than just friends... sexuality adds a deeply emotional component to the relationship. So my mom proposed that I invite a long-distance friend of mine to spend a month during the summer with me. Guess who I chose: Anina. She came, of course, under the condition that we were only friends.

Anina and I spent all of four days together. We were with each other twenty-four hours straight (except when we were in our separate rooms, sleeping). Suddenly I was facing two years' worth of unreleased emotions ... my feelings for her had never changed. I saw her starting to like me, and that made me ecstatic. But alas, what happened? After a whole day spent enjoying the wonderful historic city of Charleston, SC, we got down to reality. I asked about the nature of our relationship, hoping that it was changing into something more than just friends. She told me that she had never had romantic feelings for me. I was left shocked ... and feeling very wistful, almost suicidal. Two years of keeping a friendship alive. All for nothing. And my family spent a thousand dollars to bring her to America, all for me. She left the next day on a flight to Lübeck.

STRIKE THREE!!!

After Anina I decided to not let any girl break my heart ever again. And I felt strongly that she deserved to get her own heart broken. I became cold and unemotional toward everyone I knew for a little while. That got a little better when I started hanging out with friends some, but I knew that Cyndy was going to be at my dorm, ready to meet me. I prayed for God to hurry up and let some girl start liking me. It didn't happen, and I became withdrawn and angry.

When I got back at the university, still as just friends, Cyndy and I would play around with each other when we were in private. It thrilled me... as long as I could keep it from my parents, who strongly disapproved of her and I having even a friends (without benefits) relationship ... it was great. She began spending half the night with me in my bed. One night, however, I thought I would tease her sensibilities. I took off my underwear in my bed, thinking she might be shocked and tell me to put it right back on. But she didn't. We did everything but intercourse.

Because we felt that it was wrong to do all of that stuff and just be friends, we decided to start being boyfriend and girlfriend again. I really do care for her other than liking her body. And the last time I had broken off relations with her, she started getting interested in pagan religions. So I think: Anything to keep her from turning into a witch!

I have never had a Christian girlfriend. I don't know what a normal Christian boyfriend-girlfriend relationship is like, and I don't even know how to approach Christian girls and tell them about your feelings without getting your head bitten off ... so I just stopped trying, and I stopped going after any. If any of you start coming at me with the verse about being "unequally yoked" ... just know that I'll be praying any response to such from me would consist of more than a particularly offensive four-letter word and the pronoun for second person singular.

-Adam, Columbia, SC

 

[EmSchmem]

Well Adam,
Being unequally yoked seems to be the least of your problems right now in all honesty.

First, whenever you tell someone that you aren't willing to hear something (like verses about being unequally yoked) you're not willing to listen and therefore probably not actually willing to submit to wise counsel.

Second, you are messing around, either physically or emotionally with many girls. You're not going to find any biblical support for that.

Third, you acted in a spineless way with one of these girls. She pushed a little bit and instead of standing up to her or appearing less than cool, you caved.

Forth, you are acting in an infantile way towards God. He's not giving you what you want, when you want it, so you're going to go out and get a girl on your own. Not real mature big guy. Did you think that maybe the reason God isn't sending you a Christian woman is that you are not ready to care for a Christian woman?

Now all that being said, there is forgiveness. You aren't perfect and neither am I. BUT if you are looking for support about your current choices, you are barking up the wrong tree buddy!

 

[ascribe2thelord]

Well, I sure didn't ask for such a harsh judgment. There is much more to my life than my love life, and indeed, there is more to my relationship with God than you are presupposing. Perhaps I should have mentioned that sometimes I deal with depression and that the girl I was "messing around" with has a speech difficulty that makes it really difficult and painful even to talk to her in a normal conversation? Weren't you ever a college student? And finally, you appear to be in a fairly steady relationship. Are you in any position to dish out such hurtful criticism?!

I was looking for someone who has been in my situation before, who is not now involved with another person in a romantic relationship. Is that too much to ask?

 

[EmSchmem]

I have been there before and I know the intense pains these relationships cause. To yourself and the women involved. I know that I can never take that pain back. Who better to know about the situation than someone who has been there. Do you plan to marry one day? Do you really want to bring these women into your marriage? They WILL be there. I know.
You say you want someone who has been there, but do you only want it so you can find someone to tell you that what you are doing is ok? It is always too much to ask for just what you want when you want it and only how you want it.
Why would you think anyone would condone treating women this way? Why would you think it is OK to juggle multiple women. You have NO right to the hearts or the bodies of any of these women because you are not married to them.
I am sorry I am not more sensitive to your plight but you're acting like a womanizer and you're being a crappy witness to this (as you described her) cute, precious woman who is not a believer.
You want to know what to do? STOP NOW. Break of contact with her, get into the Word, get deeper into Christian fellowship, get some real life accountability, look at this as a life lesson and learn from it. Don't justify your actions take responsibility for them and stop treating women this way.

 

[Kehaar]

Well, I sure didn't ask for such a harsh judgment. There is much more to my life than my love life, and indeed, there is more to my relationship with God than you are presupposing. Perhaps I should have mentioned that sometimes I deal with depression and that the girl I was "messing around" with has a speech difficulty that makes it really difficult and painful even to talk to her in a normal conversation? Weren't you ever a college student? And finally, you appear to be in a fairly steady relationship. Are you in any position to dish out such hurtful criticism?!

I was looking for someone who has been in my situation before, who is not now involved with another person in a romantic relationship. Is that too much to ask?

Hi there,

I believe EmSchmem gave you some good advice and her honest opinion. I don't believe she set out to offend you.

Proverbs 27

5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love.

6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

I would second her by saying that I believe you need to draw closer to God, immerse yourself in the Word. I think previous relationships have confused you as to what you really are looking for. I would suggest taking some time out to think, seek God on this and ask for clarity. I would also advise you grow stronger in your relationship with Christ before dating again.

You may also find it helpful to post in the mens forum.

Love and prayers,

Baty

 

[bliz]

Well, I sure didn't ask for such a harsh judgment.

And you didn't get one. She gave you a firm but gentle rebuke. She didn't tell you anything about God's laws that you don't already know. Joelle nailed you too, and you accused her of harsh judgement.

In the meantime I developed feelings for a girl I'll call Joelle. I'd known her for a while, and I had seen her ex-boyfriend getting attached to another girl during a missionary trip I had just been on. So I felt pretty safe about approaching her. I knew she was upset about her ex-boyfriend getting into someone else, and I wanted to be the one to lift her up out of her emotional wreck. I sent her a Christmas gift and told her how I felt about her. She gave me a ten-minute sermon chewing me out for being filled with sinful lusts. Unfortunately she's scary like that, and very judgmental of other believers.

You were not simply casually expressing an opinion - you were hoping to have some sort of relationship with her! And, I think you were hoping to find her ready and willing becasue she had been through a tough time. Do you always hit on women when you think they will be vunerable?

I think that you really are deceiving yourself. Some of the staments you made are so way off base they are, please forgive me, they would be almost funny, if they weren't so sad.

Perhaps I should have mentioned that sometimes I deal with depression and that the girl I was "messing around" with has a speech difficulty that makes it really difficult and painful even to talk to her in a normal conversation?

Because you are depressed you are permitted to break God's laws about sexual immorality? Becasue she has difficulty communicating verbally, it's OK for her to communicate sexually? With you?

Because we felt that it was wrong to do all of that stuff and just be friends, we decided to start being boyfriend and girlfriend again. I really do care for her other than liking her body. And the last time I had broken off relations with her, she started getting interested in pagan religions. So I think: Anything to keep her from turning into a witch!

I get it! You are sexually involved with her to save her soul!

Do any of us know what it's like to be in college, to be young and struggle with sexual desires? You bet we do! And that's exactly why we see right through what you are saying. Having sexual desires is nothing new.

You are kidding yourself to think that becasue you have not "had sex" you are OK. Do you really think that that is what God had in mind? "Do whatever you want with each other, just don't put your penis in her vagina!" God's call to us is to be sexually pure outside of marriage. I could not describe the actions you told us about, in considerable detail, as pure.
I think you enjoy the retelling of the trysts almost as much as you enjoyed them at the time.

If you are looking for someone to say that what you are doing is OK, you've have come to the wrong site. It seems that you are seeking a rational to continue doing what you've been doing. Not gonna get it here. I think your Mom has your number and you resent her for it.

I am sure, tht if you are still reading, you will hate my post. Probably hate me, too. That's OK. If you are in anyway sincere about seeking guidance on these matters, take your original post, and subsequent responses to a Godly Christian man. Ask for his input and response. Perhaps a man will see things differently and understand you better.

Please know - you are messing around with your life, but also with the lives of young women. The damage you can cause can be very long lasting to everyone involved.

All Christians are called upon to judge - to determnine who is speaking truth and the Word and who is not; what ideas are Biblical and which are heresy. What we are not to do is pronounce "She is not a Christian. He is not a believer." becasue we simply do not have the ability to do that; only God can see the heart. And God can see yours and mine, and He is always ready to forgive. I've had to take Him up on that offer many, many times. I hope that you will, too.



.

 

[fragglerocker]

Weren't you ever a college student?
I was looking for someone who has been in my situation before, who is not now involved with another person in a romantic relationship. Is that too much to ask?

Sounds like I'm the person you want to talk to.
I am a college student.
I have been in a "friends with benefits" relationship before.
I am not now in a romantic relationship.

The "friends w/ benefits" relationship almost killed me. It broke me into a million pieces and made me feel ashamed and hurt. It made me feel I was good enough to be used but not good enough for a real relationship. It left me vulnerable and scarred. I had to do much, much repenting afterwards. If I could take one thing back in my life, it would most likely be that.

I don't claim to know how it is for a guy, but if you care anything at all about this girl, you won't use her in this way. No matter how much she says she can handle it and no matter how "ready" she seems. I don't care if you're being intimate or just kissing. She will get hurt, and it is likely that you will, too.

You may consider this to be "harsh," but it is coming from someone who meets all of your criteria. "Friends with benefits" brings a world of pain, conflict, and confusion for all involved, especially if you have submitted your life to Christ and will therefore have to stand before Him and explain your actions.

For her sake, your sake, and Christ's sake, don't do this!