Feeling guilt associated with child's special needs

[Mayzoo]

[FONT=&quot]This may not belong here---and I know it is a very rough subject.....but how many of you feel quilt for your child's special need?

[/FONT]My daughter was face up before delivery---I knew, and the doctor knew 30 days out---the staff stated then that if she had not turned, the doctor would do a c-section or turn her manually. Neither of those happened, so I ASSUMED she had turned on her own. Now I can't seem to let it go that I should have asked----did she turn? Three words could have changed her life forever---yes, I know there is a plan...but that is hard to swallow when my child lays in my arms for 6 hours screaming in pain until she passes out from exhaustion. Thank God we have reduced the number of those episodes drastically---but it only takes one to indelibly mark my brain with that memory. http://www.christianforums.com/t3243...ys-story-.html. I don't spend hours on end in a wallowing pit--but I do blame myself for her problems. I failed to ask one question during delivery, that changed her life forever. I admit it was not my responsibility, but I think....had I just asked that one question, she would not suffer so much pain. I don't regret for one minute who she is now and who she is becoming---I regret her pain, and all the medical complications she must face.

How many other's suffer silently with guilt? Can we help each other at all with this problem? I started a thread in Women's Discussions--for women who struggle with self forgiveness also.

Mods--if this is too sensitive a subject for this forum just remove it. I am only hoping to see if any of us who suffer from quilt can find a way to cope.

 

[CarrieAg93]

I do. My son has epilepsy & brain damage due to a forceps delivery. He was a big baby and I was in labor for 24 hrs. and progressed very slowly. He should have been born C-section and DH and I felt something was wrong when I was in labor and asked about a C-section several times. Many times I've thought "If only I had insisted and demanded a C-section he wouldn't have to go through what he does." For a long time I felt like I faliled him on his very first day of life.

I still feel some guilt, but it lessens with time. I've talked to clergy about it and prayed about it. I've come to realize that my son is in God's hands. DS has the best disposition and I love that about him. He is very charismatic and caring and everyone loves him. I have to accept him as the whole person he is. I can't regret his struggles without negating his triumphs. It's been a long tough road and every time he has a seizure or struggles in school the feelings of regret and guilt try and rear their ugly heads, but I look at all the lives he touches in a positive way and I'm thankful. Hang in there. PM me if you want. Hugs and prayers.

 

[DieHappy]

Guilt is normal. That was the first question my grandmother asked me after Phillip's dx: "Do you feel guilty?" She told me that it was satan, nothing but, causing that guilt and I could not give in to it. But I'm sure we've all wondered what if? What if I had lived a better life? What if I hadn't done that, or had done this?

It's normal, but you have to deal with it and let it go. Otherwise it will eat you whole. Find a good listener, in real life, who you can vent to, scream at, and cry with. Get it out and leave it behind.

 

[kayd1966]

I do...I go through so many scenarios of What ifs? Why didn't I? How could I of? etc....but when its all said and done with...I didn't and if I had...would it of really changed anything?

This is a good topic...just hard to face sometimes...

 

[imaniingod]

I was in an abusive relationship so I feel guilty for even marrying their father because I believe that it was because of what I endured during the pregnancy that caused my baby's delays.
I have been praying about this

 

[If Not For Grace]

I was in an abusive relationship so I feel guilty for even marrying their father

It's not what YOU did, honey, it's what HE did (if Anything...) Do not take responsibility for the inappropriate behavior of others. You may have chosen to marry him, but you did not chose for him to mistreat you or your children

 

[If Not For Grace]

PS. TO all of you who feel "guilty" There is a Southern Saying that says

"Guilt (or Worry) is like a rocking in an rocking chair..it will keep you busy, but it won't get you anywhere".

I married a man with "special needs" and we have a wonderful very "normal" life including a few disagreements every now and then. I think you all are wonderful caring people who by todays standards deseve a medal. Many people today throw up their hands and leave TV's to raise their children because "life's too hard being a ____(Single, Working) Parent".

I can see each of you love your children and care deeply what happens to them. God bless you all.

 

[Savedthroughfaith]

I sometimes struggle with this. They do not know the cause of Samuel's condition, and I've read it could be caused by many things. I had a bad fall when I was pregnant and I wonder sometimes if that's what happened to him. I've been praying about this since he was born....

 

[rndasie]

Mayzoo - I wonder why your child being born face up had anything to do with the things you speak of.

My 4th child was born face up..we had no idea until he was beginning to crown that he was face up. This usually causes no issues except to the mother who experience more pain, tearing and a longer labor.

I myself have a child with a genetic abnormality and while the docs have told us that it was a "fluke", I do blame myself for her having Down Syndrome. I think..is there something I did right before conception or during those first few vital days that might have caused this "fluke" then I turn back to my faith and realize that God gave her to me just as she is..she was my gift from God. For whatever reason either for me to make a difference in the world or for her to make that difference she is here and I was blessed to have her.