Engagement Jealousy

[12butterflydust]

I would really appreciate some advice, support here

I'm struggling with engagement jealousy.
It's amazing how a green ugly moster can come out.

My boyfriend (just 29yrs) and I (22yr soon) have been dating for over a year, and we know that we are meant to be together. He has known pretty much from the first week. We have got a ring design sorted last year...but now we are just in the waiting process of finding a good time to get engaged. His family is very supported and are keen for us to get engaged. I have 2 years left of my medical degree, and he has a very good secure well paying job.

My boyfriend's only unmarried sibling (he's one of four) (age 30) started dating a girl about 2 months ago and they just got engaged 2 weeks ago. I am very happy that he's brother found someone so suited and that they are in love and that they compliment each other so well.

However, it's getting really hard for me to fake a happy face when they are all soooo happy together at family events. AND they have their engagement party and they are picking wedding things. I even feel a little paranoid that they are going to pick the flowers, the colours, the songs...that I wanted. Even though they say that they don't know what they want yet. Which makes it hard, because I do know what I want.

The HARDEST part is that they have so much support from both their families. It is so different for me. My situation is sooo complicated. My mum (single parent family) HATES my boyfriend with a passion. He is not welcome at my home, and she spends her time complaining about him and suggesting other males in the church to me. She has told me straight that she'd NEVER agree to letting him marry me and that she NEVER wants to see him again. If we got engaged my Mum would be sooooooooooooooo upset and angry she'd do everything to destroy it.

My boyfriend is not a TERRIBLE person. He is a pastor's son, and comes from a very good family. He treats me very well and has put up with A LOT in the process.

It's just really hard. I want that support and approval (from my only parent, it bares so much more weighting). However I know I will never get it.

What makes it HARDEST is....being in a relationship that feels like it has no direction or end point. I'd never date if marriage wasn't the potential end point. We are both virgins and sex or anything like that is NOT an option for us. But.....the end point.....just isn't there. It just is hard to focus on the "one day" when....I'm not sure it will exists as a "happy ending" for all.

Any suggestions? Advice?
Thanks!

 

[iambren]

One year dating should be the MINIMUM before a proposal. Less than that is foolhardy.

Concentrate less on the ring and more what you want to give to HIM someday if God brings you together maritally.

I sense also that time is needed to work through some of this family stuff. You didn't say why your mother dislikes him. Believe me, two families are going to see each other a lot---weddings, children, medical situations.

Try not to worry about what others are doing for a wedding. You'll have your own special wedding IN TIME.

 

[AlexBP]

It seems to me like the relationship between your boyfriend and your mother is the biggest problem. I'd rather imagine that if there were some way that could be dealt with, engagement jealousy and other issues would no longer be a problem, or at least not as serious.

Obviously you are not the first person to be in this sort of situation. When I first became engaged, my future mother-in-law and I failed to see eye-to-eye on many issues. Things have improved since then and I hope they will continue to improve. But it takes time and patience, prayer, care, and understanding. The first and best thing to do is to pray hard for a better, more understanding relationship among all the people involved.

God bless!

 

[Luther073082]

Can you explain to us why your mother doesn't like you boyfriend?

I think that's the biggest concern here.

I'm partially concerned that you are far too in love with the idea of a wedding and/or engagement and the attention it brings to you.

A few red flags here.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Theres a few red flags as stated. I will say though if your going to marry "sooner then later" make sure 100% that you are marrying for the right reasons. To often people marry right away and don't even see the red flags. I almost made that mistake once. And looking back I now see I would have been miserable. >.<

Now some people that are in true love marry sooner, some marry later. Its all personal choice. I met my fiance at the beggining of Novermber 2011 I proposed Dec 6th 2011. We now are getting married in Feb 2013. But I must point out that our relationship is somewhat rare.

For starters we live 8,000 miles away from each other. So communication was vital to make sure we were compatible. We have discussed every possible thing we can think of to make sure that there aren't really any issues that would cause problems later. We've also consulated with friends, family, church...etc. And of course we have done ALOT of praying and fasting.

After all that we are 100% sure we are for each other. Even though we engaged just after a month, its important to remember that its nearly been year which still gives us plenty of time to see what issues may come up while waiting to marry. So fqar there have been no issues outside of the fact its can be below 0 here while by her the lowest temp is 72. lol

Again though we've done alot of prep. And we communicate. Alot of people I see rush into things thinking its true love, when its really not and they haven't tested the waters first. Let alone they haven't prayed, fasted, consulted and so on. Oh on that note even though we are so far apart, we did have a marriage counselor talk to us both at the same time over Skype.

So in the end it will all depend on the actions you take to make sure its really love. If not remember that once married you really shouldn't divorce. Most young people I see (assuming your young) marry quickly and half get divorced within a year of marriage.

 

[12butterflydust]

@Luther and @Alex. I guess the reasons why my Mum doesn't like my bf is a big component of the story. My Mum has a list of reasons why she doesn't like my boyfriend. However, she also comes from a background of a deverstating divorce over 10 years ago, in which she's never dated, still remains resentful and refuses to move on.

1. My mum thinks my boyfriend is controlling, because he is generous and buys me things (he is just a generous person to everyone around him to be honest, he has a good job and enjoys paying for meals for friends and helping them out, that's just his love language to the people around him). 2. She thinks he is disrespectful towards her because one time he didn't give enough details to her regarding where we were going on our date (i.e. he told her an itinery of places, but she wanted times and specifics. For awhile, my mum was calling the shots on where we could go on our dates, i.e. too far away (an hour), too long (can't spend the entire day with him), etc. 3. She thinks he is dangerous because in the past he hasn't told me where I was going on a date (i.e. a surprise date he had organised for me, and offered to tell me...but I wanted a surprise...) 4. She thinks he helps me out too much and that should be her job and in doing so he is overstepping the family's boundaries (i.e. with my 21st birthday party, he helped set up, baked pies, and did dishes...)

My boyfriend has nothing against my Mum, he actually really enjoyed having conversations with her, mowed the lawn for her, gave her a DVD player when hers broke, and offered her work when she needed it. My 3 siblings all like him, and he has tried his best to be there for them (i.e. teaching my brother to drive)

My home situation wasn't exactly, "normal" for a young adult. My family is rather co-dependent (i.e. Until recently, I had only spent 2 days in a row - away from my Mum for the last 10 years). My Mum has VERY strong, FIXED opinions on things, and growing up I never knew I could have a different opinion to my Mum until I was 20... I have spent a long time appeasing my Mum.

@Luther. Um, yeah...I can understand how I came across as far too in love with the idea of wedding/engagement. Haha. *face-palm* Ek! To be honest, I never thought I'd be interested in getting married before I met my boyfriend, as I had a useless father. After, stopping being a bit emotional yesterday. Honestly, I don't think I am ready to get married yet. I have some distinct things I want to get done first (i.e. I have an overseas medical placement for 6-8 weeks next Christmas). I think I am more envious of the support for their relationship and future marriage. I just want to feel like I am in control of my own relationship (rather than my Mum), and to be able to plan my own future. At the moment, it feels like I don't have that, and my Mum has distinct rules before getting married (i.e. not getting married until finished uni and over 25, and someone she's handpicked), and that she's never going to approve.

I just feel like I'm in a relationship with no concrete future just because of my Mum. I guess getting engaged would create something concrete and a purpose to our relationship. Even if it is the right thing for us to get married in two years. I want my Mum to be supportive and to be excited when I get engaged one day.

 

[12butterflydust]

@Freakazoid Thanks for sharing your journey and experiences! I'm so glad you've found someone to share your life with!

I think you made some excellent points! I think in my relationship it has been hard to focus on our own relationship, seek advice and pray in regards to our future, because the focus has been so many complications with my Mum.

Divorce is not an option for me either (or my bf) I have been through one divorce (with my father), and I wouldn't even consider married if divorce was even remotely an option. It's a horrible thing.

 

[Luther073082]

@Luther and @Alex. I guess the reasons why my Mum doesn't like my bf is a big component of the story. My Mum has a list of reasons why she doesn't like my boyfriend. However, she also comes from a background of a deverstating divorce over 10 years ago, in which she's never dated, still remains resentful and refuses to move on.

1. My mum thinks my boyfriend is controlling, because he is generous and buys me things (he is just a generous person to everyone around him to be honest, he has a good job and enjoys paying for meals for friends and helping them out, that's just his love language to the people around him). 2. She thinks he is disrespectful towards her because one time he didn't give enough details to her regarding where we were going on our date (i.e. he told her an itinery of places, but she wanted times and specifics. For awhile, my mum was calling the shots on where we could go on our dates, i.e. too far away (an hour), too long (can't spend the entire day with him), etc. 3. She thinks he is dangerous because in the past he hasn't told me where I was going on a date (i.e. a surprise date he had organised for me, and offered to tell me...but I wanted a surprise...) 4. She thinks he helps me out too much and that should be her job and in doing so he is overstepping the family's boundaries (i.e. with my 21st birthday party, he helped set up, baked pies, and did dishes...)

My boyfriend has nothing against my Mum, he actually really enjoyed having conversations with her, mowed the lawn for her, gave her a DVD player when hers broke, and offered her work when she needed it. My 3 siblings all like him, and he has tried his best to be there for them (i.e. teaching my brother to drive)

My home situation wasn't exactly, "normal" for a young adult. My family is rather co-dependent (i.e. Until recently, I had only spent 2 days in a row - away from my Mum for the last 10 years). My Mum has VERY strong, FIXED opinions on things, and growing up I never knew I could have a different opinion to my Mum until I was 20... I have spent a long time appeasing my Mum.

@Luther. Um, yeah...I can understand how I came across as far too in love with the idea of wedding/engagement. Haha. *face-palm* Ek! To be honest, I never thought I'd be interested in getting married before I met my boyfriend, as I had a useless father. After, stopping being a bit emotional yesterday. Honestly, I don't think I am ready to get married yet. I have some distinct things I want to get done first (i.e. I have an overseas medical placement for 6-8 weeks next Christmas). I think I am more envious of the support for their relationship and future marriage. I just want to feel like I am in control of my own relationship (rather than my Mum), and to be able to plan my own future. At the moment, it feels like I don't have that, and my Mum has distinct rules before getting married (i.e. not getting married until finished uni and over 25, and someone she's handpicked), and that she's never going to approve.

I just feel like I'm in a relationship with no concrete future just because of my Mum. I guess getting engaged would create something concrete and a purpose to our relationship. Even if it is the right thing for us to get married in two years. I want my Mum to be supportive and to be excited when I get engaged one day.

I would be slightly careful with someone who is overly generous. One reason is that it shows the person might not have a good handle on finances for the long term. But the second and perhaps more important reason is sometimes people can be generous to cover up some more abusive tendencies.

Now from what you have told me I don't see any red flags on the abusive thing. I see more redflags on a controlling mother. The problem is that if you are living with your mother you sort of have to live under her rules until you no longer need her support, financially or in any other ways. And you are definatly in a position of difficulty if mom is paying for your schooling.

Do NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT GET ENGAGED UNLESS YOU CAN REALISTICALLY SET A WEDDING DATE. That ring on your finger in no way represents you being serious about getting married. You being serious about getting married involves planning a wedding date and planning a wedding. Putting a ring on and saying you are engaged but not comming up with a wedding date comes off as someone who's trying to pretend like they are serious about something. So if you have a talk with your BF about this, you need to make sure he knows this.

As with jealousy, I'd just remind yourself that your time will come eventually. You are still young at 22, and there are a lot of people who had to wait a lot longer then you and had to do it while not even having a BF/GF. You have one, you just might have to wait a little longer then you would like to get married.