ELCA and WELS dating... can it work long term?

[Whimsical Blonde]

Hello all! I’m new to this forum (and website). My late night google searches have lead me here. Sorry for this long post. I appreciate any advice!

My boyfriend and I are getting more serious. We love each other very much and are starting to have more discussions about the future. We are mid 20s and both working professionals with strong family ties.

The issue is that I fear we have religious differences that would raise complications.

I was raised in the ELCA, but going to Church was never a main focus in my household. We prayed and what not. I really didn’t do much about it during college either, but have started to try to reincorporate faith as a central part of my life. I was confirmed, but I’m really trying to go to church regularly and work on my faith.

My boyfriend was raised WELS, has substantial ties to the church, comes from a line of pastors (though not a pastor himself). He continues to be heavily involved. I’ve been to church with him a few times and did not mind it. It seemed very similar to my church (again I did not go a lot growing up so spotting the differences isn’t easy).

Now that I’m seeing there are lots of differences in beliefs despite both being Lutheran, it makes me hesitant. I’m extremely liberal on social issues, a proponent of gender equality, and I’m nervous this is going to be a problem in getting more serious. I am not the type of person that would try to debate something like gay rights with his in-laws, but I know if we were to have children, I would want to raise my children based on my views which I do not share with the WELS. I’m talking the social issues, gender issues etc.

We are such a good match for each other otherwise and I truly feel he was put in my life at the perfect time to help steer me back in my faith. He’s helped me a lot and I’ve also helped him tremendously. It seems logical that since he is more deeply rooted in his faith, I would convert. However, it also seems like it would be dishonest if there are major disagreements I have with the WELS position on certain social issues. I am stubborn and he loves that I’m passionate about the rights of people and animals, but I don’t think he realizes how this difference could impact raising children, especially daughters.

Has anyone experienced something like this, have any advice, been a liberal WELS member, or have other input? Or links/literature to read up on this? I’m really struggling with this. I’m praying a lot, but it is still unclear what should happen. Brutally honest input is also welcome, just hoping for no judgment! Thank you in advance!

 

[frater_domus]

That's among the most complicated topics, in my opinion. Though I consider relationships to be all about compromise, compromising ones beliefs may be very bad. Having said that, what denomination is right? There's probably none, that gets the full picture. As such, I consider interdenomination conflicts rather pointless. I am part of neither of the churches you mentioned. However, I have thought about similar topics a lot. The only solution that comes to mind, aside from prayer, is to go along with it for now and see how it develops. None of us can accurately predict what will happen. I would also recommend and honest and open talk. If he is hesitant, that may be a yellow warning sign already.

Above all else, I would recommend focusing more on God's love as opposed to a church doctrine. God is the driving force of the universe, not the beliefs of a church. I also advice you to be patient. some of my prayers took almost a year to be answered. Not because they have no been heard, but because the time was not right.

Another question you may want to ask yourself, though depending on how close you are to your church, this may be a tad controvertial, is how important church doctrine is to you in general. What I am saying is that there is nothing wrong to have disagreements and still liking it. I would be fine if my partner would have different beliefs than I do. As long as we are focused on God and acknowledge our imperfection and remain humble, there will be no conflict, as we would both know that only God knows the truth and all we interpret has flaws. That is what I recommend. Focus on God and humbly acknowledge imperfections

 

[Athanasius377]

Here are a couple of thoughts. I have been married for over 12 years. Before my wife and I were married I was far more conservative and dogmatic than she was. I was the one who had substantial church ties while she was a nominal catholic. I would like to think that it was I that brought her around to my position because of my superior debate skills yet alas it was not . It was when our first daughter was born that changed a lot of things for her. I my opinion having children tends to be the dividing line between what sounds good in theory and what is best for children. If you were to ask us now and if you didn't know any better you would think that my wife was born and raised LCMS. The doctrine came later largely due to wonderful pastor who never shied away questions such as gender equality and the like and was always willing to engage different points of view.

 

[Albion]

I am not the type of person that would try to debate something like gay rights with his in-laws, but I know if we were to have children, I would want to raise my children based on my views which I do not share with the WELS. I’m talking the social issues, gender issues etc...

We are such a good match for each other otherwise and I truly feel he was put in my life at the perfect time to help steer me back in my faith. He’s helped me a lot and I’ve also helped him tremendously. It seems logical that since he is more deeply rooted in his faith, I would convert. However, it also seems like it would be dishonest if there are major disagreements I have with the WELS position on certain social issues...

Has anyone experienced something like this, have any advice, been a liberal WELS member, or have other input? Or links/literature to read up on this? I’m really struggling with this. I’m praying a lot, but it is still unclear what should happen. Brutally honest input is also welcome, just hoping for no judgment! Thank you in advance!

The basic problem--interdenominational marriage--is a common one. Sometimes things work out and some times they do not. It is tough, therefore, for any of us on the outside to say how it could or would go in your case. However, the WELS is just about the most fiercely committed to its beliefs and principles of any church body you can find.

A survey of the beliefs of church members by denomination that was conducted awhile ago found that 100% of WELS members agreed privately with the churchs official position on certain doctrines. And on other ones, the percentage was very high, although not unanimous.

The idea that a strong majority would have said yes to the kind of question I am referring to was not surprising to me, but you know that almost nothing produces a 100% agreement these days--and no other denomination surveyed came close to that. So I would think you are right to proceed very carefully with this matter.

 

[CaliforniaJosiah]

 

[Tigger45]

Yep and we all know wins that argument in the end

 

[Newtheran]

I’m extremely liberal on social issues, a proponent of gender equality, and I’m nervous this is going to be a problem in getting more serious. I am not the type of person that would try to debate something like gay rights with his in-laws, but I know if we were to have children, I would want to raise my children based on my views which I do not share with the WELS. I’m talking the social issues, gender issues etc.

...Brutally honest input is also welcome, just hoping for no judgment! Thank you in advance!

http://www.fairfaxfamilylawblog.com...ferent-religions-more-likely-to-divorce.shtml

As religious differences are one of the major reasons for divorce down the road, I would strongly recommend that you two don't plan a future together. Although both your churches use the same name in their signs, they are really in no way part of the same faith tradition at this point...and regardless of how important disagreements over organization, worship styles etc may be disagreements over morality are really fundamental and take precedence over all others.