Divorced people are the lepers of the modern American church.

[Servant68]

At least that's how I feel.

I've never been to a church that had a Bible study or support group for divorced members. When meeting people at a new church, once you mention that you are divorced, then you can see the awkward look of disapproval on their face.

Really? I tried to get my wife to go to counseling and she refused. I went to the pastor and an elder of our church for advice and they told me to give up on her. She cheated on me. Why am I being treated like a leper by the church now?

Meanwhile, she marries her fellow adulterer a day after our divorce and hides it from our kids and her family, yet shows up at a new church as a happy couple and are welcomed with open arms and treated like a perfect example of a happily married couple...

You can even sense the judging and condescension in the remarks on this site from "Christians".

I joined a Bible study a few weeks ago. It is made up entirely of married couples. Last week I mentioned my frustration of how divorced members are treated/ignored by the church. There was agreement that divorced people are looked down upon and avoided by the church and that it was a problem.

Little consensus on how to address it, though...

Need to start by giving my bitterness over it to God...

 

[exitstageright]

Hear! Hear! While our Pastor in Sunday School do not condemn divorced people in our congregation,I sometimes feel as if I have a big "D" on my forehead.My divorced was final in 2007. I still have not found a christian girlfriend. Although two women friends(both christians) have died of cancer. We got along so well together. Maybe,just maybe, GOD does not want me to get married again.

 

[saulfactuspaul]

Maybe it's about time people in churches stepped into the real world that way they would be able to understand and relate to young and everyday people such as yourself.


Holier than thou snobs with prejudice are a bad example to non believers and cause good christians such as yourself to leave the church,.

if they want to stop congregation numbers dwindling then they should light a candle instead of cursing the darkness.

Divorce is common people should come to accept we don't live in the 17th century.

Best of Luck stay strong , hope the kids are well, and remember it's them not me.

Cheers

A Realist

 

[Monk Brendan]

I've never been to a church that had a Bible study or support group for divorced members. When meeting people at a new church, once you mention that you are divorced, then you can see the awkward look of disapproval on their face.

I have been to such a church. They had something called a Divorce Recovery Workshop, and it helped people to get through the divorce process, and it was committed to breathing life into the divorced person, and bringing them into the fullness of church life.

I was in the 26-59 year old singles group, and of the people there, all were divorced save two: myself, and a girl training to be a missionary to Myanmar. She was waiting until a man with the same vocation came along.

I was NOT called to be a missionary.

Anyway, it was an Assemblies of God church in Rockford, Illinois. I left there to go back to the Catholic Church.

 

[wayfaring man]

See 1 Corinthians 7

If someone walks away from a marriage, the one who they walked away from isn't at fault...as long as they weren't significantly unfaithful or abusive.

Paul counselled that it is better to be unmarried - from a spiritual perspective - so those of us who aren't married or who have been 'walked away on', should find our consolation in exploring the many advantages of being unmarried / celibate.

 

[bcbsr]

At least that's how I feel.

I've never been to a church that had a Bible study or support group for divorced members. When meeting people at a new church, once you mention that you are divorced, then you can see the awkward look of disapproval on their face.

Really? I tried to get my wife to go to counseling and she refused. I went to the pastor and an elder of our church for advice and they told me to give up on her. She cheated on me. Why am I being treated like a leper by the church now?

Meanwhile, she marries her fellow adulterer a day after our divorce and hides it from our kids and her family, yet shows up at a new church as a happy couple and are welcomed with open arms and treated like a perfect example of a happily married couple...

You can even sense the judging and condescension in the remarks on this site from "Christians".

I joined a Bible study a few weeks ago. It is made up entirely of married couples. Last week I mentioned my frustration of how divorced members are treated/ignored by the church. There was agreement that divorced people are looked down upon and avoided by the church and that it was a problem.

Little consensus on how to address it, though...

Need to start by giving my bitterness over it to God...

We can take comfort in the fact that God got divorced.

"I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries." Jer 3:8

 

[exitstageright]

We can take comfort in the fact that God got divorced.

"I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries." Jer 3:8

Thank you for your encouragement.

 

[dayhiker]

I can relate to that feeling of being divorced in church. Tho I think now at least half of it was my guilt a previous teaching I'd hear/read on divorce. I remember studying what the Bible said about divorce back in my 20s before I was even married. I read what people with way more Bible knowledge than I had said about the topic. It all boiled down to two generic views that I couldn't resolve and didn't feel like what Jesus would say from the way He commented on ever other issue. So at 20 I couldn't come to an honest answer as to what the Bible said about divorce that didn't make divorce sound like the unpardonable sin! Which it clearly wasn't. So I set that doctrine aside until I was was in my mid fifties and was thankful that I wasn't asked to preach or teach on that topic.

I admit I was the cause my my divorce. This created a conflict for me that was broader than divorce. It went to the core of who I am and how God created me. But now I had a 4 year Bible degree and 30 years of Bible meditation under my belt. New skills with which I could look at the Bible and its message to me. Plus I had a lot more life experience with which to evaluate if an idea actually works in real life.

One of the things I restudied over the next 3 years was what Jesus was saying about divorce. Now I understood hermeneutics and how the historical context fits into evaluating a passage of scripture. From there is was much easier to get a clear message as to what the Bible teaches. I was able to accept God's forgiveness and not accept any condemnation others put on me. Rom.8:1

 

[Reformed2]

I sometimes feel the same way in my Church as well, but it is important to remember that no one is intentionally setting out to make us feel this way. Churches don't know what to do with divorced people, it really is as simple as that. My divorce was biblical on both grounds, but many probably view me as tainted in someway. I personally don't mind as I view my singleness as a gift, and am very content. Just please remember that there is a big difference between feeling left out, and actually being excluded. Peace my brothers and sisters.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

Thank you for your encouragement.

That's not exactly right, nor in line with all of God's Word(Scripture).... sorry....

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

Meanwhile, she marries her fellow adulterer a day after our divorce and hides it from our kids and her family, yet shows up at a new church as a happy couple and are welcomed with open arms and treated like a perfect example of a happily married couple...

Just an observation that
(apparently) the one who blatantly sins is the one sinners who have not repented (or have not turned to YHWH (GOD) in line with His Word) make most welcome.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

Really? I tried to get my wife to go to counseling and she refused. I went to the pastor and an elder of our church for advice and they told me to give up on her. She cheated on me. Why am I being treated like a leper by the church now?

Because the pastor and elder you went to did apparently (going only by what is posted in the op) not know Scripture - maybe they did the best they knew how to do, but it might have been better if they had simply said "let's join together in prayer", and frequently prayed ....

 

[JAM2b]

Keep looking for a body of believers that are accepting. I have been in both types of churches. The loving and understanding kind do exists, you just have to continue the search and also be willing to consider other denominations or non-denominationals.

I struggle with organized church in general, but I have found that there are many who are capable of treating the divorced as equals. I've even been a part of two churches where the pastors had been divorced and remarried.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

It has been rare to find a group that recognizes the sin of both divorce and remarriage whilst a spouse previous lives,
but when in line with God's Word they do, and recognize repentance from sin as God's Remedy / God's Way, so that sinfulness and sinful lives are not endorsed nor continued but turning to God to live His Way Declared in His Word,,, then ,
there is FORGIVENESS and LIFE RENEWED WITH JESUS' RESURRECTION POWER!

 

[Poppyseed78]

Remember, the eternal reward is worth far more than earthly rewards. I'm sorry you've been treated poorly by church members. It's a shame your church doesn't have a Bible study or support group for church members. Mine has both, although it is a very big church, so there are groups and ministries for all stages of life.

 

[StbGradMom79]

Hey I'm new here so go easy on me. I consider myself single because my ex-h turned out to be a soul sucking leach and I don't consider him anymore because of it. Since I was married at some point in the past I get the stigma also. How I work around this feeling of spoiled goods is first I'm careful not to project my feelings of inadequecy onto others. Meaning I don't judge what they're thinking (even when it seems really obvious). It's not my place to judge others just as it isn't their place to judge me so no point in even considering it.
Second I realize that I don't feel inadequate so I concentrate on those feelings. I know I'm a powerful person when I trust that God has my back. That's all I have to focus on, this too shall pass (bad feelings not necessary). Also you have to remember you can't please everyone, sure some people will judge but church is a place for sinners to gather so you have to give them a little bit of a break. We're all sinners we just do it differently but as the good book says they're all equal.
Oh and last but not lease, necessity is the mother of invention. If your church doesn't have a support group you fit into, get permission and start one yourself. You're not alone in your feelings or position in life so offer what it is you seek so others can benefit from it.
Good luck, God bless!

 

[dayhiker]

StbGradMom ... I approach people that condemn me for being single or what ever by not accepting what they have to say in pretty much the same way you do. Some have said I come across as very innocent I guess because I don't defend myself when accused not to I show signs of guilt or shame. It is a way of handling them and its also a way of expressing how completely forgiven I am in Jesus' eyes.
Thanks for expressing that point so well.

 

[Servant68]

Hey I'm new here so go easy on me. I consider myself single because my ex-h turned out to be a soul sucking leach and I don't consider him anymore because of it. Since I was married at some point in the past I get the stigma also. How I work around this feeling of spoiled goods is first I'm careful not to project my feelings of inadequecy onto others. Meaning I don't judge what they're thinking (even when it seems really obvious). It's not my place to judge others just as it isn't their place to judge me so no point in even considering it.
Second I realize that I don't feel inadequate so I concentrate on those feelings. I know I'm a powerful person when I trust that God has my back. That's all I have to focus on, this too shall pass (bad feelings not necessary). Also you have to remember you can't please everyone, sure some people will judge but church is a place for sinners to gather so you have to give them a little bit of a break. We're all sinners we just do it differently but as the good book says they're all equal.
Oh and last but not lease, necessity is the mother of invention. If your church doesn't have a support group you fit into, get permission and start one yourself. You're not alone in your feelings or position in life so offer what it is you seek so others can benefit from it.
Good luck, God bless!

That's a wonderful way of looking at it and handling it... You display a great amount of grace and strength. That's pretty awesome.

I was talking with a fellow Believer at work yesterday about the subject of churches in the area not having singles groups for older folks and I made the suggestion that maybe I should start one. He said that when he was in the college singles groups years ago, that when members started dating each other, then stopped dating each other, it got very awkward and many members simply stopped coming to the group after a relationship ended.

That's a very valid concern. The purpose of any Bible Study or church group should be to learn more about God, grow in faith, and to glorify God.

I can see how a divorce-support group could become uncomfortable if members started dating and then those relationships ended badly. The whole purpose of the group is for support in God's grace and love.

Many things to consider...

 

[StbGradMom79]

Servant68... thank you so much for the lovely compliment. It looks like maybe you answered your complaint/observation. Maybe this is indeed why you haven't ran into many support groups for divorced people at church. Comparing a college singles group to a church singles group I think is a little unfair though since in college dating is indeed a past time with education as often the only common ground but with church we have a stronger foundation to stand on and desire to connect with others with that same bond. Idk. That probably didn't even make sense.

 

[Servant68]

My most recent experience was when a woman at work friended me on Facebook and said she just needed more Christian friends to hang out with.

I wasn't attracted to her in a romantic way but agreed to meet for coffee and ended up going to a home Bible study group she was part of.

There were three or four other single women there in our age range and I enjoyed the Bible study; good mix of people in their 30's and 40's from all backgrounds, including law enforcement. I was comfortable and made a couple of new friends.

The girl who invited me originally started asking me out to go hiking, then movies, then wanted to hold hands. I told her I was not interested in her romantically and it hurt her feelings. I had to drop out of the Bible study because it was just too awkward.

The other couple of people from the Bible study that I had become friends with on FB also unfriended me. It was not a pleasant experience... It was like high school all over again, LOL.

It's a tough call. There is a need for divorced people to get together and study the Scriptures for wisdom and healing that can only come from God. There are so many raw emotions and mental health issues that need to be dealt with and a Bible study of Believers is the perfect environment to share frustrations and give comfort to each other.

Perhaps a non-coed Bible study? Could do a men's group for divorced/single older guys and a separate women's group for divorced/single older women. Not sure if there would be enough participants with my current church, though.

The church I currently go to has a men's Bible study that meets once a week. I've gone to it a couple of times and there are only seven guys. All are married and the study is led by a man with a very "strong" personality. Discussion is limited and not really engaging.

I decided to try another church and hopefully my graveyard shift sleep insomnia issue will allow me to attend this Sunday.