Divorce isn't an option but I hate being married

[Godisalwaysgood]

Hi. I am on here because I have no one to get help from. I am very strong in my beliefs so I don't want to talk to unsaved family members who won't offer Biblical counsel and I don't want to push them away from God.
I can't ask for help from those at my church... probably just for pride. I don't know. I want to encourage others. And mostly, I don't want people to think bad of my husband. I have tried to get help in earlier years of marriage but to no avail.
I don't know where to turn and it is lonely and depressing and I hate who I am becoming and how I feel.
It is long winded but I feel like starting at the beginning is the best way to understand my story.
I met my husband when I was 12. I was emotionally neglected as a child by my father and suffered some minor emotional and sexual abuse. I understand that no abuse is minor but what I endured really can't be compared to those who suffered much greater than I. It just is and it shapes you in some ways. Because if this I think I tried to fill a void with love without knowing what love was.
By the time I was 14 (my husband being 17) he was showing me interest and I was flattered as well as feeling as if some of my unmet emotional needs were being met. When I was 15 we began having an impure relationship. To me this seemed like what I was missing, a man that loved me and wanted me. After we had been married a few years, I found out this meant different things to him.
Our "relationship" didn't start as a friendship and grow from there. I come from a very strict religious background where boys and girls are very separated and then we court. So it wasn't like we "hung out". We saw each other at church and in groups.
Well... a few times he felt me up. I was flattered at the time and I'm ashamed that I didn't care more about myself to know I was worth more. It's embarrassing to admit but I mean, I'm asking people I don't know for advise. How much can I hold on to my pride? I wanted to marry him but I was completely ignorant of what was going on, I think part of me wanted to be. So when he started sneaking to my house he didn't want to talk or hang out... he wanted to have sex. I tried a few times to take a step back but the sex was very important to him and I didn't want to loose him. I knew he would probably leave if I said no... and the other part of me was scared that even if I said no he wouldn't listen. So I didn't say no. Let's be honest here.. I really did bring this on myself. He joined the Army right out of high school and was gone for a while and we remained an item and then he returned home to be in the reserves.
A few months after my 16th birthday I ended up pregnant. He had just left to go active duty when I found out. I was home with a loving but very absent mom who was clueless. My father wasn't in the picture. And my church was not extremely kind. My husband, come to find out, was not being terribly faithful while away. He chalks it up to the fact that we were "fighting" and I told him I wasn't sure I wanted to marry him. I started admitting to myself some of the things that scared me about him.. but I ended up pushing those feelings away.
Fast forward and I did marry him. I was 17 and our son was 9 months old. I wanted to do what was right and I wanted a husband to rescue me from my life.
I tried to be a good wife but I didn't know how. The first year of marriage was like playing house. We had very unrealistic expectations but we were happy to be married. I started finding porn though. Each time there was an excuse, bad ones, and it felt like my heart was exploding. I would loose part of my hearing. I would struggle to breath. But we just continued on.
After a while I became less excepting when it happened and he became less apologetic. Our bubble had burst but we kept on trying. He became less satisfied and I became more hurt. I hid it from my friends, from my family. I didn't want them to think bad of him. Our son was diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder and things got hard for a while. I was determined to graduate high school even if it was going to be late and he resented that. But I did it. I graduated when I was 19 and my son was almost 2. We had been married for almost 2 years and I was determined to be a good wife and a good mom.
We got a cute little apartment and we found out I was pregnant with our second child. I have hyperemisis when I am pregnant and become very ill. And I was. I was a bad homemaker. I won't sugar coat it. I laid in bed and had our son watched cartoons. I lost a lot of weight and was at the hospital a lot. My husband started resenting me more and more and had no problems letting me know. He desired me less and less and that wasn't a secret either. And his porn problem was happening a lot more as well... although it "wasn't his" or "he didn't do it". Around this time... I told someone for the first time. My husband was very mad. I was devistated. Heartbroken. Shattered. But I loved him and I loved God and I wanted to fix it. We are faithful members of a church. We sit under Biblically sound preaching every week. I know my Bible. Not just the verses you hear all the time, but I have read it cover to cover and I want my life to be surrounded by the word of God. I want to live what the Bible teaches. At that point in my life... about 4 years married with a toddler and a newborn... I was struggling but I still loved the Lord. I wanted the marriage that church taught was Biblical. So I got help. Or tried... and failed.
I kept pretending... he kept pretending. Eventually he lost his job due to watching porn at work. I realized this wasn't just a porn problem but a porn addiction. To him it was that I was getting fat, I was a bad wife, and I didn't meet his expectations. Oh, I was never going to be as good as So and so at church... to him... but for me, I was going to try. He got another job and even finished his college degree.
I don't even know the next year or 2. I know they were miserable. The more I tried the more he hated me and the worse I felt. Every time I found porn it was the worst feeling again, and again, and again. The pastor tried to help but my husband wasn't honest. He didn't want help! I mean he said he did but he kept looking at porn and hiding it and lying. Let's put it this way, he looked at porn daily but he knows how to hide it. He refuses to admit the truth and because he lied about it he thought I didn't know and that was his story. He would lie until he was blue in the face and then when I would show him the proof I found he would lie more... until he would finally admit it.
We had another baby. I found out he compared me to other women he thought he is in love with. Skinny, sweet women. Women at church who were the epitome of perfection. And although I'm fat... people like me and respect me. I am not hated by everyone and a terrible person. I am respected too and he hates it. He thinks these other women are perfect all the time and never struggle while I simply put on a show. So I tried harder to be perfect all the time but when I would mess up he would be more hateful than he was before. The more I would try the more he would expect. And I could be perfect for weeks... but when I would fail he would use that to prove I was a horrible person.
Finally... I stopped hurting. Because of this, I am not as invested in my husband. One can say since I'm not as invested in my husband that is why I stopped hurting but really... I stopped allowing myself to hurt and that is when I stopped caring as much about marriage. My husband is a good guy. He takes care of our family really well and he isn't an amazing, involved dad but he is a good dad. He is a lot better than a lot of guys. But he doesn't love me. He never did. I was "easy".. his words not mine... and he took advantage of that... again, his words not mine. He never intended to marry me but he did because he wanted to do the right thing after I got pregnant. Only... now he hates me for it. And I can't hurt anymore. In September we had our 9th wedding anniversary. I am 26 and other than insisting I graduate... I have done nothing but be a wife and mother. I have never had a job. I have never traveled. But I can cook a mean casserole and I know how to keep 3 kids entertained when they all have the flu.
I don't want a divorce. And I want people to respect my husband. I don't want to make it where when we get through this people don't respect him. But what do I do? Can I make him fall in love with me? I am not perfect. I am a lot of horrible things a lot of times. I know everyone is but I'm not downplaying my faults. But what can I do? I hate being married. If it weren't for my faith and the fact that I would never ever hurt my children by suicide... I think suicide wouldn't be so bad. I am not suicidal... but I hate the fact my mind would ever go there. I know God can win. I just don't know what to do...

 

[Ken Behrens]

The key is right here: "I tried to be a good wife but I didn't know how." When people marry young, they are faced with many hardships. And our culture really doesn't have answers. You start to grow, he starts to grow, and you don't even know that you are changing and have new potential. Soon you are both different, and do not know how to relate to the new you. Then it just gets more and more confusing, as other people's answers don't fit what you are experiencing.

If you want to use what you have, you have God and you have each other. I doubt a church can help. A good counsellor might be able to, but it may take a while to find one that is "good" for the both of you. It's hard to know just where you should start, but you have got to help each other find out who you are in Christ, and then make the effort to love each other the way you are now. I know that's vague, but it could take a while to get enough information to be more precise.

Why not set aside a time to pray together every day, and just admit in front of each other to God, that you both really don't know what to do next. Then see where God takes it. What I know is that there is a new you and a new him hiding inside that God can bring out, and when you find that, God will give you plenty to love in each other.

 

[ChristnMe]

it is always a challenge for married couples when their marriage is started by being unequally yoked, not having the same vision, level of emotions and everyday stresses.

The question is not whether you still are in love or that things have changed. The question is whether or not both are committed to the definition of a marriage, a union under God's will ? Because long term marriages are based not on physical things but on spiritual things.

If the answer is for physical things, its best to come to terms with that, which is turbulence, disappointments and unfaithfulness.

If the answer is for God's will which is spiritual, then both have to define their marriage from God's perspective.
Both secular and spiritual marriages require commitment, for love fluctuates and it requires that dedication to build up the marriage.

Paul counsels that if one is spiritual and saved and the other is not, then the spiritual saved one must pray and to be available for the non-spiritual one to come around and be saved, which will aid in the marriage growth.

If no unity can be attained despite all the love, patience and commitment; then the spiritual saved one has an option to separate, not divorce, especially if there is physical as well as mental abuse and or fornication.

Why is this allowed, because ultimately God is interested in the saved and being in an environment that may compromise that is not best for the saved.
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From your post, it seems impossible and you may need a lot of counseling to help you through these traumas.

It takes two to make a marriage and we can't be naive to our situation or the pros and cons of it. Every marriage face stresses and can either break or strengthen the bonds between two people. Try to step away and not be anxious over it so to give you time and be objective it what you want and the decisions that need to be made.

 

[Poppyseed78]

It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed. Marrying young, as was said above, can be challenging. I pray that God grants you wisdom and patience. It's clear there is a lot of tension in your marriage. As others said, you are both still young and changing and growing, with a lot of responsibilities on your plate. However, the way your husband treats you is not okay, and there is no excuse for that, even if he's feeling stressed out.

I do think a Christian counselor could help, but it takes dedication and willingness from both of you. God can, and does, renew and heal marriages. Your kids would benefit greatly if the family situation became more loving and harmonious. A counselor would be objective and easier to confide in than a friend, family member, or person from your church. An individual counselor might also be helpful for you, just to help you assess your situation. From your post, it seems you don't have many people to lean on. The isolation and lack of a support network could be contributing to your feeling of hopelessness.

I will say this: if there is abuse going on, counseling, prayer, and sheer will might not be enough to change it. I believe that there could come a point where your mental health is at stake. Personally, I believe there are situations where divorce is warranted, and abuse is one of them. I'm not recommending it - I think other avenues should be taken first, especially for the well-being of the kids - but I do not think you should be living at the brink of suicide for the rest of your life. That does take a toll on children too.

 

[VanillaSunflowers]

Beware the god that tells you in order to make them great you must suffer to excoriating lengths.

 

[KW3]

I can relate to many of the things you have said - including that you feel strongly about upholding your values in marriage, despite not wanting to be married to him. We marry knowing in our heads that bad times will come, but it's a completely different thing when we are faced with the real, live issues. We have to decide how we want to act/what our beliefs are/etc ahead of time so that when those beliefs are tested, we stick by them.

There are a couple things to think about (and I know you know these; sometimes it's just good to hear them as reassurances from someone else):
1. These perfect women at church go home to their IMperfect lives. They have issues, just like you do.
2. You can't compare what you see day-in, and day-out in your own life, to what you see on display at church, online, or wherever. This includes the Perfect Husbands you see.
3. If you left your husband, with a high school degree, no job, and three small kids, are you really going to find someone better? Sure he will be exciting for a few years, but then reality will set in, and a whole new (or the same) problems will surface. It's just the way we humans are.
4. All marriages and people have hard times. And everyone leaves a stinky bathroom behind sometimes.
5. Your husband says some awful things to you. He needs to mature.

I really think you could benefit from friendships with one or two of the older women in church. Are you able to join a women's Bible Study group? I rarely do them, but I have met a few women and was able to connect with them in different ways than just seeing them at service on Sunday morning. With younger women (your age/stage in life), you are more at risk of rumors getting spread. An older woman (50+, or maybe in her 40's if she is dependable and solid) may be able to address some of the things you are going through from her own experiences, and from experiences of her friends and family. The trick will be finding the right one, and one that will keep your confidences. She may have some personal experiences she is willing to share, and other times, she may need to offer more generic stories. Hopefully you will be able to find that a lot of what you are going through/mentioned is very common. I don't mean this to minimize the pain of what you are going through, but as encouragement that you will be able to find someone to help you talk through these things. Edited to add: I think these are very common things - even, for example, how you regret selling yourself short and letting him get physical - but we often don't talk about them, so we feel alone.

I have a couple guy friends whom I adore (friendship only). But as I've gotten to know them over the years, I see that no matter how successful they are (in the world's eyes, and even in mine, because I think they are fantastic), they still have shortcomings. I still adore them. I used to think "his wife was lucky to catch him" - not in a jealous way, but more of an observational one - but I know them enough now to know that "she has issues with him", just like I do with my husband. And, she is still lucky to have caught him. I tell you this because you were so young when you met your husband, that I'm assuming you do not have a lot of experience with other guys. I didn't, either, and so my guy friends have been helpful to me in gaining this perspective.

I once met a man in his 60's who had been married twice. He loved his second wife and was happily married to her for almost 20 years by then. But he said that enough time had passed that he could now regret divorcing his first. He said they divorced when life got hard, when they had kids. He thought, after all that time, that if they had worked harder at it, they would have made it together and sparred everyone the pain of the divorce. He was sad and regretted the pain - they still would have had the difficult time, but he felt it would have been easier than what they ultimately went through.

I, too, have had the same despair in looking at the many years ahead - I also was not suicidal (never have been), but really cried out to God, telling Him this wasn't worth living if this was all that I had to look forward to. I have a husband who looked at porn when he was younger, and flat-out lied over and over (even when I had magazines with his name and address on them). He hasn't acknowledged those things, but I've gotten to a place where it doesn't bother me.

One of the things that I worked out in my mind was that if I *did* separate from my husband, I would probably want to stay single. So I would be alone, emotionally. That's how I feel in my marriage. So I can just be emotionally alone, while married. It's not ideal, but it helped me to get through those times of despair.

I can't promise your marriage is going to get better, or if it will ever be like in the romance movies. It may not even make it. But you may be able to make it through this.

 

[KW3]

Also - You did a fantastic job making sure you got your diploma. Most people in your situation do not.

Have you thought about taking some online classes through the community college? And then maybe working through a technical program? Many of those jobs would allow you to work part-time when your kids are in school. You would have to figure out if the cost and struggle through the education would be more than the difference in pay you could gain.

And are you doing some type of physical activity? I think this is such a necessary part of life. Do it for your health, mind, example for your kids. But do NOT do it so that you can try to make yourself like those "pefect women" at church or for your husband's acceptance. You can find a dance class, or a running or walking group (in real life, or online) to keep it exciting and motivating - or so many other options.

 

[Dave-W]

And our culture really doesn't have answers. You start to grow, he starts to grow, and you don't even know that you are changing and have new potential. Soon you are both different, and do not know how to relate to the new you.

It is because our culture is too individualistic. Rather than growing TOGETHER, young people tend to grow apart.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I don't think the problems in this marriage are due to an overly individualistic culture. The marriage was not build on a strong foundation. Her husband pressured her for sex when she was basically still a child, and was emotionally abusive throughout. In the meantime, she still managed to graduate from high school and care for her three children. Enduring emotional abuse while experiencing hyperemesis and being in and out of the hospital would be devastating, but she got through it. This man got fired from his job for viewing porn at work. I'm sorry, but...no. I don't even know how to address that. Looking at porn is one thing, but looking at porn at work is something else.

I think both weren't ready for the responsibilities of a family at such a young age - how many people are? - but his cruelty is not justified. I *do* believe this marriage can be restored with a Godly foundation, but only if both parties are willing.

 

[RDKirk]

The key is right here: "I tried to be a good wife but I didn't know how." When people marry young, they are faced with many hardships. And our culture really doesn't have answers. You start to grow, he starts to grow, and you don't even know that you are changing and have new potential. Soon you are both different, and do not know how to relate to the new you. Then it just gets more and more confusing, as other people's answers don't fit what you are experiencing.

I would point out that is not a youth issue--people change constantly and every few years all your life "you are both different," and unless the couple has been careful to grow in the same direction "do not know how to relate to the new you" happens again and again.

Let's remember that everything we read about the permanence of marriage in scripture was written about arranged marriages--"rational" pairing in which overwhelming emotional ties were never in the picture, but were expected to be deliberately developed and maintained.

And that is what scripture tells us to do. It does not say, "Husbands, find a wife you love." It says, "Husbands, love your wife." Get up and do it.

 

[Dave-W]

Let's remember that everything we read about the permanence of marriage in scripture was written about arranged marriages--"rational" pairing in which overwhelming emotional ties were never in the picture, but were expected to be deliberately developed and maintained.

And that is what scripture tells us to do. It does not say, "Husbands, find a wife you love." It says, "Husbands, love your wife." Get up and do it.

Excellent point.

The thing with arranged marriages - both parties KNEW they had to invest some hard work on an ongoing basis to make it work.

In today's idea of overwhelming emotional ties being the standard, hard work is the furthest thing from peoples' minds.

 

[Ken Behrens]

I would point out that is not a youth issue--people change constantly and every few years all your life "you are both different," and unless the couple has been careful to grow in the same direction "do not know how to relate to the new you" happens again and again.

I agree with this, but I point out that older people have had more time to learn that this happens. Young people often have not even heard of it.

 

[DZoolander]

That's a pretty bad situation.

He thinks that he got snagged into a marriage he didn't want to be in, and resents you for it. His goal originally was to just get lucky, which is pretty much what every 17 year old dude is looking for. He simply wasn't expecting a pregnancy to get into the picture and lead to something as serious as a marriage.

That's a pretty big hurdle for someone to get past once they get it lodged into their heads. The resentment has kinda stunted his ability to move forward.

Then we have you resenting the fact that he behaves like a resentful spouse. He watches porn because he's miserable in the relationship and doesn't see an outlet with you, I'd guess. I'm guessing you're probably so hurt by everything that even if you guys are intimate, most likely his porn viewing and the resulting hurt you feel from it is on everyone's mind, so it's not exactly a party and/or good time for all.

So it cycles on itself. He grows more resentful, you grow more resentful, and on it goes.

On a side note - this is exactly why I'm going to teach my kids about the importance of birth control first and foremost.

My advise is - stop looking for evidence that he's looking at porn. Yeah, he is. It's not an "addiction", he's miserable, and he's looking for an outlet. Just like you probably don't like the fact he points out the fact you've gained a bunch of weight as the reason why he can't get into it (because you figure "what the heck" and you're miserable) - he probably doesn't like the fact that his behavior (also as a consequence of his being miserable) is an elephant in the room.

I know everyone is going to probably talk about how that's different, and in some respects I agree. But that's not what I'm interested in. If your goal is to hopefully restore your marriage, digging your heels into the sand over what "ought" be happening probably ain't going to get you to that goal. Sometimes picking your battles is the better course to move forward.

You should stop looking for evidence. Stop lamenting over the fact it isn't "love". You guys probably don't even like each other right now, so resenting the fact it isn't blissful love isn't going to get you forward. Rather, I'd say drop those expectations and focus on trying to like each other once again to begin with...and see where that goes.

If neither of you are going to leave - I think that's pretty much the only course available that would have any prospect of improving the situation.