Dating a divorced dad

[IrishGob]

Anyone else out there dating a divorced man with children? (or guys out there who are divorced dads and are in a relationship?)

Luckily my boyfriend has a great relationship with his kids - sees them every Friday-Sat and every other weekend (Fri-Sun) as well as helps out in their classes during the week when he can. The kids are wonderful and we all adore eachother. Two girls ages 6 & 9 and a boy, 11. Their Mom even sent me an email thanking me for bringing so much love and joy into their lives. however, their Mom also had an affair with another man (who she ended up shacking up with and later marrying) but that's another story. (And the reason for my boyfriend's divorce, natch)

At any rate, just wondering if any of you can give me any advice. I have been with him a year and love him dearly. We have a great Christian relationship, take the kids to church (he ex doesn't go to church), and are best friends. It's just that it's not always easy.

The main issue is that I have never dated a man with kids before, & I guess sometimes I feel selfish and ashamed because I am not the one getting all the attention all the time They are sweet kids, but there are times we've had to change our plans, or he can't go somewhere with me because he has them, etc. I feel like a real jerk admitting this, especially since my boyfriend has been so wonderful in doing a great job to make things balanced - Making sure I never feel left out, etc. He is an amazing Father, and I admire him for that.

I feel insecure about his ex wife sometimes as well. I know he has no feelings for her anymore, but I start thinking about them sharing so many things. The way he felt when he asked her to marry him, their wedding day, The 1st time they made love, the moment she told him she was having their 1st baby, etc.. and I feel so inadequate. Like there is no way he could ever love me like that, etc. He tells me he DID love her, but that it's over now and he loves ME. But it's still hard when I think of all that other stuff. God bless him, he's so wonderful and always encourages me to talk about my feelings and he is very reassuring. I hate his ex wife for what she did to him and I feel guilty about that as well. But I actually ended up planning her Honeymoon itinerary (hotels, car, pubs, etc) to Ireland with her new husband. I know the country well, and I felt that was my gift to show the kids that I was taking the "high road" and instead of talking bad about her, I actually reached out to her. I feel God told me to do that and although part of me really didn't want to, I did. My boyfriend thought it was a bit crazy, but thought it was a thoughtful gesture just the same and was proud that I was kind instead of bitter. Well, I still feel bitter about it.

Anyway, I'm getting off track - one issue at a time! ;-)

Thanks for any advice you can share!

G

 

[oldrooster]

At our age, if someone has not had at least a significant relationship, or kids by then. I would take a good ahrd look at that person.....As far as the 1st wife goes, I wouldent worry about that, its good to have a peaceful relationship with the mother of your children, it goes a long way to help your kids adjust. I have no interest in my ex that way, just hope that she is happy.

 

[jwebhead]

'G'
I cannot say I have advice per say for you but I understand and will be praying for you.
You are definatley doing the right thing 'showing' his kids your unselfish love for them by helping their mom. Just get rid of the bitterness now before it gets too big and then becomes an issue.
My husband and I are great until his schedule or situation goes haywire with his daughter or my children have needs regading their schedule with their Dad.
I also relate and have the same insecurites and feeling towards my hubbies ex-wife as you. I do not know the answer but I am in the mix with ya and sometimes it just helps to know you are not alone.

Sorry I don't have any helpful words. But I will put you in prayer.

 

[MsDe]

G,

I've been thinking about your post for a few days now, trying to figure out what to say that might help you.

The man I'm in a long distance relationship with has three kids: a daughter, 22, who has a 10 month old and lives with him, and two boys, 14 and 16, who live with their mom and visit their dad often.

I too have never dated a man with kids before, and this will be a new experience for me. You say you feel sometimes selfish and ashamed because you're not the on getting all the attention all the time. Welcome to parenthood! From what I've gathered, every parent goes through that feeling, whether it's their own kids or stepkids. In my opinion the thing to do when you're feeling that way is to try and figure out why. Are there abandonment issues in your past, have your folks been divorced or had fights/arguments that you may have overheard, were you daddy's little girl and always got his love and affection when you wanted it, etc.. There are times when we all need one-on-one time with our loved ones, and it's up to us to let them know that's what we're needing so they can be aware of it and plan accordingly.

Your occasional insecurity about his ex wife and the things they've shared together I believe stem from lack of self confidence and self esteem. The thing you have to remember is that he loves you now and he wants to make a new life with you. All the things they've shared together make him the man he is today, and that's the man you love.

The hate toward his ex wife you're going to have to work past and get over. Remember, hate the sin, love the sinner. We are all human and we make mistakes. I don't know her reasons for doing what she did, nor does it matter. It sounds like he's worked through whatever he felt about his ex wife's cheating, and you've got to do the same. Let him help you with it, work through it together, and you two will have yet another thing binding you together. If nothing else you've got to do it for the kids, because no matter how hard we try to hide and mask things, kids are very intuitive and will sense your feelings.

I hope this helps you. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

De