courting, nor dating, is mentioned in the bible

[mclordsbutterfly]

ok, i have some questions....


what is courting? i would like everyone's opinion on this..

is it the same as dating?

and this came up between a friend of mine and me.

he had said that he doesnt understand the words dating or courting, because in the bible, there were no mentions of those....

i explained my "side" of the whole take on it, basically being that we live in a different world etc etc, and wouldnt a person like to know if they were "just friends" with someone, or had more of an attachment and seeking more.

idk what i am saying or getting at, but any suggestions or comments would be appreciated.

 

[citizenthom]

"Courting" and "dating" are not familiar concepts in the Bible because when the Bible was written, man and woman were not the only ones deciding whether or not they could get married: specifically, the bride-to-be's parents had a legal say in whether she could get married and to whom. That's the big difference between modern "dating" and how people got together in Biblical times (both Old and New Testaments).

Here's what dating should be for a Christian: a time to find out 1.) whether s/he meets the Biblical prerequisites for a spouse, and 2.) whether the two of you have compatible personalities in general. Some of #1 includes learning about the Biblical requirements for marriage if you do not already know them and finding out whether your partner is willing to abide by them.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

Essentially, courting is the same as dating, though most conservative Christians think of it as Dating Lite or Diet Dating... however you want to put it. It's a less "full on" version that you see in mainstream society because of the moral standards they include with it.

 

[The Nihilist]

It's true, dating and courting are both nonbiblical. In the bible, one way that a man and woman could get married would be for the man to rape the woman, pay her father some shekels, and be married. Hurray! There are other biblically accepted ways for men and women to marry, but none of them involve a woman's choice, if I recall correctly.

 

[Luther073082]

ok, i have some questions....


what is courting? i would like everyone's opinion on this..

is it the same as dating?

and this came up between a friend of mine and me.

he had said that he doesnt understand the words dating or courting, because in the bible, there were no mentions of those....

i explained my "side" of the whole take on it, basically being that we live in a different world etc etc, and wouldnt a person like to know if they were "just friends" with someone, or had more of an attachment and seeking more.

idk what i am saying or getting at, but any suggestions or comments would be appreciated.

Well you've discovered that the whole courting doctrine created by the purity cult really has nothing to do with scripture after all and is really more like a bunch of Christians trying to ressurect the 1950's.

We operate our lives more or less based on the New Testament and not the old. So because of that we have to consider a person based on what the NT says about it.

You should make sure the person is a Christian and that they have a similar understanding of the faith that you do.

As for what you do during dating, you make sure you don't do anything that would put you in strong temptation to have sex.

The rest is up to you. I could give you tips but so could most everyone here. But the bible doesn't give very strong rules on these things because there are some things that God actually does let us figure out on our own. (Actually there are a lot of things that God lets us figure out on our own, but modern day pharisee's such as those in the purity cult won't have that.)

Enjoy your freedom in Christ.

 

[citizenthom]

It's true, dating and courting are both nonbiblical. In the bible, one way that a man and woman could get married would be for the man to rape the woman, pay her father some shekels, and be married. Hurray! There are other biblically accepted ways for men and women to marry, but none of them involve a woman's choice, if I recall correctly.

You recall incorrectly. What you are describing is what happened if a man seduced a woman before they were married. Rape got you stoned. And in the situation you described it was the woman's choice whether to stay or not. If she did not, the man had to give her not only her bride price but a "hold harmless" form of divorce decree that left her innocent in the world's eyes.

And please, when you say "in the Bible," specify the book. And if you are remotely interested in historical accuracy, you might even want to compare what the Bible prescribed during a given historical period with the social norm.

 

[The Nihilist]

You recall incorrectly. What you are describing is what happened if a man seduced a woman before they were married. Rape got you stoned. And in the situation you described it was the woman's choice whether to stay or not. If she did not, the man had to give her not only her bride price but a "hold harmless" form of divorce decree that left her innocent in the world's eyes.

And please, when you say "in the Bible," specify the book. And if you are remotely interested in historical accuracy, you might even want to compare what the Bible prescribed during a given historical period with the social norm.

"If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl's father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated (anah) her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives." Deuteronomy 22:28-29 NIV

If you can cite specifically a passage in which only a woman's consent is required for marriage, I will grant that you are correct.

 

[Fatally.Yours]

Courting is dating without the fun parts.

 

[citizenthom]

"If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl's father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated (anah) her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives." Deuteronomy 22:28-29 NIV

If you can cite specifically a passage in which only a woman's consent is required for marriage, I will grant that you are correct.

First of all, you need a different translation. The verse your citing is usually translated as "seizes" or "tricks." Verse 25 deals with actual rape and is usually translated as "forces." And it goes on to say that if a man rapes a woman, he gets stoned and she goes free. The evidence used for whether it is rape or not is the same as we use now: whether the girl cries out.

Exodus 22:16-17 makes clear that even where an unengaged woman is seduced, she does not have to marry the man who seduced her. Her father can refuse to give her to the man; and it doesn't take much conjecture to know that most fathers will not force a woman into an unwilling marriage.

 

[The Nihilist]

First of all, you need a different translation. The verse your[sic] citing is usually translated as "seizes" or "tricks." Verse 25 deals with actual rape and is usually translated as "forces." And it goes on to say that if a man rapes a woman, he gets stoned and she goes free. The evidence used for whether it is rape or not is the same as we use now: whether the girl cries out.

I'll write the nice people who print the NIV and let them know that you disagree.
The rapist in verse 25 is only stoned to death if the woman is pledged to be married. If she is not, then he pays the shekels. Kinda seems like the offense is against the man who owns the woman, rather than against the woman herself.

Exodus 22:16-17 makes clear that even where an unengaged woman is seduced, she does not have to marry the man who seduced her. Her father can refuse to give her to the man; and it doesn't take much conjecture to know that most fathers will not force a woman into an unwilling marriage.

This is true.

 

[Melethiel]

Kinda seems like the offense is against the man who owns the woman, rather than against the woman herself.

Yep, that's the OT view. Goes for adultery too - the wronged person in that situation is the husband of the woman who cheated, NOT the wife of the man who cheated.

 

[mclordsbutterfly]

so then.... do people distinguish they are dating or courting? lol i know this sounds silly... do they get together and say ok i want to date you, or learn about you? or just being friends that hang out a lot and then are considered to be dating..
i am asking because i have an interest in someone. and we talk a whole lot on the phone and pray and read together etc, i have expressed my interests, and although not much has been said, i feel the interest is shared. just trying to see how people do things.
neither of us has had a christian dating thing happen before, just to give you some background
i would be happy to share about my story if anyone wanted to hear of it, or i think there is a place i can do that in my profile, i just may do that.

 

[Luther073082]

so then.... do people distinguish they are dating or courting? lol i know this sounds silly... do they get together and say ok i want to date you, or learn about you? or just being friends that hang out a lot and then are considered to be dating..
i am asking because i have an interest in someone. and we talk a whole lot on the phone and pray and read together etc, i have expressed my interests, and although not much has been said, i feel the interest is shared. just trying to see how people do things.
neither of us has had a christian dating thing happen before, just to give you some background
i would be happy to share about my story if anyone wanted to hear of it, or i think there is a place i can do that in my profile, i just may do that.

Ask him out.

Christian dating really isn't that much different from the way secular people date except for a few things.

1. You date to find a compatable spouse and for no other reason. If you feel you can't marry a person, you don't have a dating relationship with them. If you have a dating relationship already and you figure out you can't marry this person, you end the relationship.

2. Because of #1 you don't date non-Christians. Because the bible tells us not to marry non-Christians while we are Christians.

3. Obviously you don't have sex. Sexual relations of any sort are for marriage only.

Really the pharisees in the purity cult has tried to overcomplexify dating and add a whole bunch of rules to it. Its an insult to God if you follow some rules just become some pharisee in the purity cult told that it was how God wanted you to date or that he wanted you to "court" and not date and follow their list of a zillion rules.

Also you can ask him out, its not a sin, its allowed. This isn't the 50's and even though many Christians have a huge love affair with the 1950's and wish to ressurect them, that doesn't mean that the 1950's are the biblical way of doing things.

 

[highlife]

The thing is no one can actually provide a scripture about the biblical requirements for licences or cerimonys. There were certificates however for divorce. They were writen up by the husband not a judge.

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

If you're trying to be 100% biblical, have your father arrange a marriage for you.

It's what happened to me. I ran away.

 

[OGM]

If you're trying to be 100% biblical, have your father arrange a marriage for you.

It's what happened to me. I ran away.

Wow! You have to share that with us sometime; if you feel like it of course.

 

[mclordsbutterfly]

well i dont know. i guess basically i am just going to assume we will be just friends. i have expressed my interest, and the one thing that was said was about dating etc not being in the bible. so then i questioned what the past "girlfriends" were,
if i were to rely on how i feel he felt, i would say he has an interest... however, i dont like to rely on how i "feel" because that is placing assumption, and i rather just straight out ask. (which i have done) but i dont get anywhere with it.

its just one of those weird things, where i have talked with him for almost 2 years, and the last 4 or 5 months talking a lot more. never thinking i would "like" him. but i love his heart. and i LOVE his love for God. and that is what started making me feel something. and just feel like there is so much that we have.

but i also dont want to be holding my breath. and i think that i have been doing that. i have been asked out etc, and just havent let myself.

but then another part wants to hold my breath because i really feel like something is there or really feel different about this.

if he "did" like me, i cant really tell because i need things to be blunt so that i dont assume. and that is part of me that is confused. he says nice things, really encouraging etc, but idk....

 

[mclordsbutterfly]

really? nothing? was hoping for more replies.... sigh. lol bless you all

 

[dayhiker]

I read the Bible and I see a few examples of how couples came together. Isaac and Rebbecca and and the story of Ruth people like and see as romantic. then there is the story of now David and Bathsheba became husband and wife and its not so nice indeed it was the result of sin. There is Jacob and his 2 wives and the wives female slaves. Moses and his 3 wives. etc.

But I don't see any commands about this is how one finds a mate. Of we should have our parents find our spouse. Wait, maybe it all should be set up by a matchmaker.

Seems to me we pray and do it the way the Holy Spirit leads us.

 

[dayhiker]

great point about the 50's Luther.