Church members dealing with conflict

[seeker2122]

So some members of my church are experiencing conflict/tension/friction with a couple leaders.
Apparently one of the leaders had done something that was upsetting to a member (nothing criminal,
but more so along the lines of permitting and not permitting). They are harboring it in their hearts
and it is clearly eating away at them making them more negative and more distant from the group.

As a result, they are praying and deciding if they should stay or leave this church.
I tried to encourage them by saying if they haven't talk to this leader directly about the thing that he
did that hurt you, please speak to him and bring it up to him for an opportunity that will either:
a) lead to reconciliation and forgiveness --> leads to healing and rebuilding and then family
or
b) lead to more feuding and lack of openness/understanding --> easy decision to leave the church

Instead, they prefer not to bring it up in person to this leader (but they were willing and open enough
to share it with our small group). I told them, if they don't bring this up to the leader and try to address
this and settle the matter, you'll just be harboring the pain inside and it will continue to get worse and
make you more bitter and resentful. I don't see how by simply ignoring and pretending they are moving
on from it that they can continue to grow in this church. They already stepped down from serving and
stepped out of every church function.

It seems to me then, why do they need to keep praying about it. They are already choosing to put a foot
outside the door and it seems that the best thing for them would be to leave this church but I don't want
them to go because I care about them and they are core leaders. The leader who wronged them may not
really even know what he did. That's why I told them they should at least tell him what they told us and
try to mend the relationship.

 

[spiritfilledjm]

So some members of my church are experiencing conflict/tension/friction with a couple leaders.
Apparently one of the leaders had done something that was upsetting to a member (nothing criminal,
but more so along the lines of permitting and not permitting). They are harboring it in their hearts
and it is clearly eating away at them making them more negative and more distant from the group.

As a result, they are praying and deciding if they should stay or leave this church.
I tried to encourage them by saying if they haven't talk to this leader directly about the thing that he
did that hurt you, please speak to him and bring it up to him for an opportunity that will either:
a) lead to reconciliation and forgiveness --> leads to healing and rebuilding and then family
or
b) lead to more feuding and lack of openness/understanding --> easy decision to leave the church

Instead, they prefer not to bring it up in person to this leader (but they were willing and open enough
to share it with our small group). I told them, if they don't bring this up to the leader and try to address
this and settle the matter, you'll just be harboring the pain inside and it will continue to get worse and
make you more bitter and resentful. I don't see how by simply ignoring and pretending they are moving
on from it that they can continue to grow in this church. They already stepped down from serving and
stepped out of every church function.

It seems to me then, why do they need to keep praying about it. They are already choosing to put a foot
outside the door and it seems that the best thing for them would be to leave this church but I don't want
them to go because I care about them and they are core leaders. The leader who wronged them may not
really even know what he did. That's why I told them they should at least tell him what they told us and
try to mend the relationship.

Hopefully, they're praying that the Lord gives them the words to speak. Confronting a church leader on something is always very difficult, and honestly, I notice that a leader is typically much more difficult to talk to than an unbeliever. This means that if things aren't said "correctly" and with the right attitude, the leader will often attempt to use their position to make life more difficult for the person trying to address the situation (which would be option b.) As I always say, delivery is everything. What would be most wise would be for the person to go with an impartial leader or leaders to act as moderators and keep the peace. That will also hold the leader accountable to ensure the leader handles it correctly and with a servant leader's heart. If you are the head honcho, you may need to step in and put together a meeting between the two.

 

[seeker2122]

Hopefully, they're praying that the Lord gives them the words to speak. Confronting a church leader on something is always very difficult, and honestly, I notice that a leader is typically much more difficult to talk to than an unbeliever. This means that if things aren't said "correctly" and with the right attitude, the leader will often attempt to use their position to make life more difficult for the person trying to address the situation (which would be option b.) As I always say, delivery is everything. What would be most wise would be for the person to go with an impartial leader or leaders to act as moderators and keep the peace. That will also hold the leader accountable to ensure the leader handles it correctly and with a servant leader's heart. If you are the head honcho, you may need to step in and put together a meeting between the two.

Agreed. Sadly, in most cases like these, they don't end well but end in a split. For some reason, Christians who are supposed to be the most forgiving and loving, are the least likely to forgive and heal interpersonal problems. People hold onto their pride/ego, and stubbornness sets in and it usually ends with congregants leaving than the leader(s) who feel entitled because they've been here longer and worked their ass of to get the "titles" or position of leadership.

 

[gym_class_hero]

this is a great article on how to Biblically confront conflict

5. How Godly Leaders Resolve Conflict | Bible.org

Now the men and their wives raised a great outcry against their Jewish brothers. Some were saying, “We and our sons and daughters are numerous; in order for us to eat and stay alive, we must get grain.” Others were saying, “We are mortgaging our fields, our vineyards and our homes to get grain...

bible.org

 

[seeker2122]

this is a great article on how to Biblically confront conflict

5. How Godly Leaders Resolve Conflict | Bible.org

Now the men and their wives raised a great outcry against their Jewish brothers. Some were saying, “We and our sons and daughters are numerous; in order for us to eat and stay alive, we must get grain.” Others were saying, “We are mortgaging our fields, our vineyards and our homes to get grain...

bible.org

any other link to it? that link is not working for me.

 

[gym_class_hero]

try this one..

5 Principles for Managing Ministry Conflict - Lifeway Research

Wise leaders spend less time decrying conflict as unspiritual or unnecessary and more time developing a principled response for managing it in ministry.

research.lifeway.com

 

[anetazo]

I dont know what the exact circumstances are here. In Corinthians, Paul wrote to church to deal with Christian who had incest with family member. There's also problems with false brethren causing division. Luckily, the Corinthians solved this. In Titus chapter 3, Christian people warn heretics one or two times. If the heretics wont listen, cut them off. Heretics have a subverted mind. I'm a seed planter. I move around on Christian formats planting seeds for God. I'm not involved with churches. If it was me, I would leave the church. I won't tolerate heretics or false brethren. James chapter 1 tells us to be doers of the word, not hearers only, deceiving your own selves. If conflict can't be resolved. My opion, find another church or study alone.