Chronic Arguer in Need of Advice

[KateMae1023]

Hello! Yesterday, as I was with the man I am dating, he was frustrated with me. He told me that it seemed that everything I said to him was argumentative. For example, he was trying to explain why I should get a certain credit card and told me the benefits. I immediately told him why I didn’t want it. Also, when he told me about my being argumentative, I immediately started defending myself. The problem is, I do not feel like I am being hostile or argumentative. Most of the time, I feel like I am just peacefully sharing my opinion. He pointed out that I am contrary in almost every response I give to him, and as I was thinking over our conversations, I am.

This is extremely discouraging because I fear that this has become completely second-nature to me. I hadn’t even realized it until he told me. I realize it is true, and I do not want to have such an argumentative nature. I am not only like this with him. I grew up in a family that argued all the time, so I feel like it is deeply ingrained in me. My close friends do not point this out, maybe because they have known me for so long, but I have been told this by another man I dated and my family. After he pointed this out, I tried to be very careful with my words, and intentionally filtering myself, but it is very difficult. Does anyone have any advice on ways I can stop being so disagreeable and argumentative?
Thank you so much!

 

[Gregory Thompson]

It's kind of like a swearing habit, or a spitting habit, the body becomes addicted to the strangest things. Such as arguing just because.

The first step is to catch yourself doing it, after that it can be treated like any other addiction.

Remember to pray a lot when dealing with it.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

Hello! Yesterday, as I was with the man I am dating, he was frustrated with me. He told me that it seemed that everything I said to him was argumentative. For example, he was trying to explain why I should get a certain credit card and told me the benefits. I immediately told him why I didn’t want it. Also, when he told me about my being argumentative, I immediately started defending myself. The problem is, I do not feel like I am being hostile or argumentative. Most of the time, I feel like I am just peacefully sharing my opinion. He pointed out that I am contrary in almost every response I give to him, and as I was thinking over our conversations, I am.

This is extremely discouraging because I fear that this has become completely second-nature to me. I hadn’t even realized it until he told me. I realize it is true, and I do not want to have such an argumentative nature. I am not only like this with him. I grew up in a family that argued all the time, so I feel like it is deeply ingrained in me. My close friends do not point this out, maybe because they have known me for so long, but I have been told this by another man I dated and my family. After he pointed this out, I tried to be very careful with my words, and intentionally filtering myself, but it is very difficult. Does anyone have any advice on ways I can stop being so disagreeable and argumentative?
Thank you so much!

Welcome to CF. You are not argumentative, some men just don't want to hear a woman's opinion. I would pass on him if I were you. Its a trait that will never change.
Be blessed

 

[timf]

Being aware of a characteristic is the first step towards turning things around. You might even make a game out of trying to cut down, For example, if you tell your friend that you will only comment on every other statement. As you try to implement this it could be a source of humor.

 

[jacks]

Welcome to Christian Forums.

Don't be too hard on yourself. I think you are half way there to solving your argumentative problem just by recognizing it exists. Having good self esteem can also go a long ways to dampen the urge to always have your say. When you feel confident, it is easy to let others say things that may not be 100% correct. You can just take it as their opinion and respond in a friendly way. No reason to set people straight on trivial matters.

The Lord is with you and He is your strength.

 

[BobRyan]

Hello! Yesterday, as I was with the man I am dating, he was frustrated with me. He told me that it seemed that everything I said to him was argumentative. For example, he was trying to explain why I should get a certain credit card and told me the benefits. I immediately told him why I didn’t want it. Also, when he told me about my being argumentative, I immediately started defending myself. The problem is, I do not feel like I am being hostile or argumentative. Most of the time, I feel like I am just peacefully sharing my opinion. He pointed out that I am contrary in almost every response I give to him, and as I was thinking over our conversations, I am.

This is extremely discouraging because I fear that this has become completely second-nature to me. I hadn’t even realized it until he told me. I realize it is true, and I do not want to have such an argumentative nature. I am not only like this with him. I grew up in a family that argued all the time, so I feel like it is deeply ingrained in me. My close friends do not point this out, maybe because they have known me for so long, but I have been told this by another man I dated and my family. After he pointed this out, I tried to be very careful with my words, and intentionally filtering myself, but it is very difficult. Does anyone have any advice on ways I can stop being so disagreeable and argumentative?
Thank you so much!

1. Beware of being stepped on by a person who is very controlling. A person who will not allow you to have an opinion that differs from his. AT THE SAME time don't BE THAT PERSON who will not allow your friend to have HIS opinion that differs from yours.

That is a two-edged sword and it will hurt you both ways.

2. In essentials you MUST defend the right thing to do and show good reasons for it. Ones that you have followed in detail. Even so - be willing to detect if in fact you are in error.

But for non-essentials, grace, silence and patience is a good "first response". Even if you are right -- give the other person time to think it through a bit on their own without cutting them off.

 

[linux.poet]

The best remedy for arguing I’ve found is just to keep on arguing, and then you’ll realize what is worth arguing about. Your brain will realize what is a pointless argument that will go nowhere and what is a sensible matter that must be addressed in the correct manner that you can actually win. Apparently you have a natural talent for the art of informal debate, so just learn the rest of the skill and learn to enjoy it.

The fact that this dude is trying to sell you a credit card is suspect anyway. Him insulting you after you refused his offer is even more suspect, because dating scams are a thing. Your debating abilities probably are saving you from a bad relationship.

Edit: I should say that men who are good debating partners are bad husbands, and guys who complain about their women speaking their mind are even worse husbands. What you want is a man who cares about your thoughts and feelings and is willing to consider your perspective. Otherwise you are likely just going to feel walked over a lot. Debating a man can be thrilling, but that is not love. Just thought I would save you some of my suffering I’ve had over the past decade.

And some women expect men to read their minds, so the fact that you’re willing to communicate honestly is something some men would really appreciate.

 

[tturt]

Is it anger or critical thinking?

Maybe use some translational words. Ex those are good points you are making about credit cards. The cons seem to be ....

Connect with what they are saying first - they are being heard.

 

[Unqualified]

Maybe you will want to be on the same page when you get married. But I wouldn’t marry a too argumentative person. My neighbors divorced- argued to much. A liberated woman is not going to let any man tell her what to do. Fine if you want to be alone. But I wouldn’t marry one, I would discuss your disagreeable opinions too for awhile. I like agreeable people but also go a long way to be agreeable. I hate to argue. Maybe he is threatened by your opinions, maybe youre not submissive.

 

[fm107]

Hello! Yesterday, as I was with the man I am dating, he was frustrated with me. He told me that it seemed that everything I said to him was argumentative. For example, he was trying to explain why I should get a certain credit card and told me the benefits. I immediately told him why I didn’t want it. Also, when he told me about my being argumentative, I immediately started defending myself. The problem is, I do not feel like I am being hostile or argumentative. Most of the time, I feel like I am just peacefully sharing my opinion. He pointed out that I am contrary in almost every response I give to him, and as I was thinking over our conversations, I am.

This is extremely discouraging because I fear that this has become completely second-nature to me. I hadn’t even realized it until he told me. I realize it is true, and I do not want to have such an argumentative nature. I am not only like this with him. I grew up in a family that argued all the time, so I feel like it is deeply ingrained in me. My close friends do not point this out, maybe because they have known me for so long, but I have been told this by another man I dated and my family. After he pointed this out, I tried to be very careful with my words, and intentionally filtering myself, but it is very difficult. Does anyone have any advice on ways I can stop being so disagreeable and argumentative?
Thank you so much!

I would get into the habit of listening to what people have to say. Don't immediately respond. Instead thank them for their opinion and tell them you will think about it. Then go away and think and pray about it, and if you still strongly disagree, you can go back later and thank them again for their opinion and state that you have given it some thought, prayed about it, searched the scriptures, however, you disagree with them and here are the reasons why...at least then you have shown you have given consideration to what they have said to you. It shows courtesy and that even if you do strongly disagree, you have shown them that you have put value on what they have said in having gone away and thought about it.

Its good to even sleep on it, by the time the next day comes, any emotion involved will likely have dissipated and you can look at what has been said just as a matter of fact. When you get to the point of going back on a point to discuss it with a friend, you will automatically consider whether it is an important enough point to go back to bring up with your friend again. If it is not, you will just drop it so as not to appear petty. Doing this will help you filter out issues of little importance.

Some things are not worthwhile debating about. A lot of people just want someone to listen to them. So choose what you really think is worthwhile getting into a debate about - contentious arguments are to be avoided (2 Timothy 2:24). Otherwise, just being a listening ear to someone is the mark of a friend.

I think an argumentative spirit may come from a place of pride and thinking your always right, and it means your not putting much value on other people's opinions. You don't want to be known as a contentious woman. (Proverbs 21:19, Proverbs 27:15, Proverbs 21:9, Proverbs 25:24)

This man seems more like a faithful friend to point this out to you (Proverbs 27:6). Men probably feel this more, though, no doubt, other people pick on our character flaws.

Well done for recognising this character flaw, that in itself is a credit to you as it is hard to see our own character flaws - we all have them! Pray for God's grace to change you and make you more like His beloved Son.

 

[tturt]

Being submissive isn't avoiding expressing your opinions.

 

[Gregory Thompson]

If expressing the same opinion results in repeating one's self, (also referred to as nagging) it is the opposite of submissive behavior. It is basically telling the other person what to do.

 

[Zceptre]

I would get a second and third opinion. (and fourth lol) You don't sound very disagreeable to me in your post at all.

You actually sound very compromising and understanding, but with strong opinions.

Your friends may not need your approval, and the dating partners may feel a strong need for approval. (from you, your opinions)

I don't want to assume or assert anything about your dates or relationships, but I don't think anything is wrong with you.

Don't be too quickly changed by people you have not known very long. Let them earn your trust, your devotion, and your love by showing it themselves also.

Things take time, and I think that is what is needed here. I am assuming your friends have had time to get to know you.

Maybe these people don't know you very well yet, and maybe you don't know them very well just yet.

Just remember there is no need rushing anything. Rushing decisions and big commitments can lead to disappointment.

Give it time and prayer. PUSH - Pray Until Something Happens. God will guide.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions that you are the problem or that your way of conversing is problematic.

 

[Richard T]

Hello! Yesterday, as I was with the man I am dating, he was frustrated with me. He told me that it seemed that everything I said to him was argumentative. For example, he was trying to explain why I should get a certain credit card and told me the benefits. I immediately told him why I didn’t want it. Also, when he told me about my being argumentative, I immediately started defending myself. The problem is, I do not feel like I am being hostile or argumentative. Most of the time, I feel like I am just peacefully sharing my opinion. He pointed out that I am contrary in almost every response I give to him, and as I was thinking over our conversations, I am.

This is extremely discouraging because I fear that this has become completely second-nature to me. I hadn’t even realized it until he told me. I realize it is true, and I do not want to have such an argumentative nature. I am not only like this with him. I grew up in a family that argued all the time, so I feel like it is deeply ingrained in me. My close friends do not point this out, maybe because they have known me for so long, but I have been told this by another man I dated and my family. After he pointed this out, I tried to be very careful with my words, and intentionally filtering myself, but it is very difficult. Does anyone have any advice on ways I can stop being so disagreeable and argumentative?
Thank you so much!

Pick your battles wisely is a start. Some things are not worth the effort. Arguing just for the sake of someone to be right is typically not very productive. Secondly, you do not want a man that can be overrun easily by your wishes. If he is frustrated, make sure you both have communicated the issue that is one the table and let him know that you are on his side. God bless.