Hello! Yesterday, as I was with the man I am dating, he was frustrated with me.
His frustration is his responsibility, not yours. any individual's ability to manage or not manage their own frustration becomes a problem when it adversely disrupts the relationship. Blaming you for his emotional conditions is called scapegoating and it's not healthy. Scapegoating that turns into the frustrated one claiming to also be a victim of your otherwise completely permissible behavior is called gaslighting.
I am NOT saying that is what your boyfriend is doing. I am simply telling you what scapegoating and gaslighting are so you recognize them when you see them. If and when they occur
walk away. At best they are evidence of serious lack of maturity and at worst they are symptomatic of potentially very serious mental illness.
Here's how you test it: The next time you and your date have a disagreement,
and he is visibly frustrated, simply ask him. "
How are you feeling right now?" If he's like the average guy he'll say he's fine, okay, or alright. That might be true but that is not an identification of
emotion, of his
feelings. Guys tend to be in their heads and compartmentalize. Women are more emotionally integrated and relationship oriented. For him the conversation about getting a credit card is a factual matter, a logical matter, and it has nothing to do with feelings. He's wrong.
And you will not be able to tell him that.
So.... after he's said, "I'm fine," you follow that up with. "
Thank you, I appreciate knowing that. Can we take a moment and regather the relationship?" If his head doesn't explode then you follow that up with, "
How about you summarize your position and tell me why it is I, not anyone else, must get a credit card, and when you're done, I'll repeat what you've said so you know I was listening and understood it. After that I'll summarize my point of view and after that's acknowledged we can move on with the rest of our date."
because when people repeat themselves and/or the volume levels increase then it's time to summarize what's been said and move on.
He told me that it seemed that everything I said to him was argumentative.
And what did he say about himself?
Are you always argumentative? Seriously. You know you better than anyone else, except God (and possibly your parents). Do you trust yourself to either 1) know your own behavior and the inner life that drives it, and 2) to accept maybe you are doing something you don't want to do? My wife, for example, had a habit of starting most of her replies with, "No." However, she married a counselor who's trained in behavioral observation. It is a very natural and normal human behavior to begin with "No," especially for those of us who are very analytical and perfectionist. We like to start with what needs improving, rather than observe and affirm that which is already excellent and thereby build goodwill, safety, and connection sufficient for tolerating disagreement and enough trust to listen to one another's differences. You can imagine how frustrating it is being married to me
. I, on the other hand, had to learn how not to be so analytical, not start with the problem to be solved and, instead, start with an affirmation of my wife's point of view. Healthy couples move toward each other in occasions of disagreement..... but few couples start out that healthy. It's a skill we learn
in the relationship itself. That's what dating is about = the finding of a person with whom I can close the distance even on occasions where we disagree.
Watch what happens when you do not reciprocate but, instead, ask him not to blame you for his frustration and tell you why he finds it frustrating. I don't know you KateMae but I do know women are amazing creatures and if he values every second he's with you then he will lean into that question, even if ridden with anxiety.
For example, he was trying to explain why I should get a certain credit card and told me the benefits. I immediately told him why I didn’t want it. Also, when he told me about my being argumentative, I immediately started defending myself.
Ummmmm...... how does expressing your viewpoint mean you're being argumentative and defensive? How is his appraisal not argumentative and defensive (and adversarial)?
Most couples go through this. The healthy ones learn not to continue that pattern. Most healthy couples go through it
twice. The first time during their courtship, and the second time 6 to 10 years into their marriage when it comes time to re-sort the territory and terrain of the relationship.
Is it okay if I defend my viewpoint? Am I allowed to explain why I hold the views I do?
In other words, put his cr@p back in his lap and see how he handles it because the guy that says, "
No, that's not alright," or escalates when asked that question is the guy you ask to turn the car around and take you home. The guy who says, "
Yes, of course," but then does not follow true is a guy who does not keep his word and there is not a man in this forum who will tell you that is acceptable. At best, it is a sign of immaturity, so you have to decide whether or not you believe this guy is valuable enough for you to grow with him as he matures. All men enter marriage without certain relationship skills. All men need to mature that way. All men have a little boy inside them and that's not a bad thing. Some of the best times in an adult relationship are when my little boy comes out to play with my wife's little girl
. Adult conversations require the adults to act like adults.
The problem is, I do not feel like I am being hostile or argumentative. Most of the time, I feel like I am just peacefully sharing my opinion. He pointed out that I am contrary in almost every response I give to him, and as I was thinking over our conversations, I am.
There's a very simple way to find out. Close your eyes and place you hand over your heart. Feel how fast you're breathing. If your heart is racing and your breathing is fast and shallow then it's likely your anxious and/or in defense mode. That's normal in episode of disagreement. It's not very good for complex problem solving, though. The problem is also fairly simple. Just slow down your breathing. Take long, slow, deep breaths and clear your head. Our brains are connected to respiration, pulse, and the fight-or-flight mechanism. Slowing down helps bring the parasympathetic nervous system back online. Not only is that the part of your wiring that helps you (and him) solve complex problems, it is also the part of your nervous system required to be relational.
If, on the other hand (no pun intended) you find you are calm and collected then he's probably the one being hostile unawares (if he's aware of it and did it intentionally then call your father or best friend to come and get you).
This is extremely discouraging because I fear that this has become completely second-nature to me. I hadn’t even realized it until he told me. I realize it is true, and I do not want to have such an argumentative nature. I am not only like this with him. I grew up in a family that argued all the time, so I feel like it is deeply ingrained in me. My close friends do not point this out, maybe because they have known me for so long, but I have been told this by another man I dated and my family. After he pointed this out, I tried to be very careful with my words, and intentionally filtering myself, but it is very difficult. Does anyone have any advice on ways I can stop being so disagreeable and argumentative?
Thank you so much!
I recommend you not be so quick to accept you're the argumentative, defensive, hostile and/or frustrated one. I recommend you pick up a copy of a copy of "
Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend and read it. Then, when you're done, you read their book, "
Boundaries in Dating," and after you've been married two to three years you read their book, "
Boundaries in Marriage."
- Boundaries tell us what is right and wrong.
- Boundaries also teach us who we are. (I am not you and you am not me. I can think my own thoughts, have my own feelings, make my own choices and I do not have to think, feel, or choose like you).
- Boundaries must be firm but not rigid, flexible but not porous.
- Boundaries begin with the ability to say, "No."
- The first and biggest obstacle to healthy boundaries is the fear of consequences (he'll break up with me! My boss will fire me! My friend will hate me!).
Get the book and read it.
