8 years ago I disobeyed the leading and conviction of god I new he wanted me to give something up but I didn't and held on. That led to me tripping up and falling into bigger sin. In that prosses the holy spirit was not quite but constantly I was convicted to turn and give up that sin and everything to fully be devoted to the lord again. For me it was sports (weight training and bodybuilding) that I enjoyed, I did it before I came to christ in my old life. It hade become an idol for me again I wasn't quite able to do it freely to the lord, I wasn't able to give it up and it had control of me. It was an idol appearance wise, ego driven and for looks. I tried to play it off for the longest time thinking to myself it's not a big deal other christian do it, god can't be telling me to stop, i can do it and worship god at the same time. But it was something I just could not let go of. It then led to bigger problems as idols always do, I was frustrated and I used that as an excuse to do a bigger sin because I was so mad mentally about it (meaning in a state of madness mentally-to be driven to further rebel is a form of madness and that was my state of mind) and tormented about it that it led me to finding something eltce out of impulse (hard to explain). My Grammer isn't good sorry. but this was viewing pornography. I hade no desire for it like I said i had just gone a little mad and insane and did it out of that trying to block my spirituall ears so to speak to gods spirit because I wanted to pursue my own things (weights, looks, sports ego, ect). This madness would come upon me and I would turn to pornography but at this point I was still not a slave to sin or the porn i could easily turn away and walk by the spirit, i was still under the lord but I was pushing the limits so to speak and gods discapline i felt intensely. This went on about 4 or 5 times and each time the lord was very much not quite about it. But come about the fifth time a spirit of madness came upon me once again I went mad and blocked my ears to all reason and things that are good, the Holy Spirit weighed heavy upon me once again and like I said I blocked my ears to it, but this time it seemed like god was convicting me and showing me that this time I would be leaving him if I acted out even one more time in this way and with this sin, and like I said the spirit of madness came upon me and I did it out of confusion I disobeyed. After doing that everything felt different. It seemed like god hade handed me over to my sin, it now had mastery over me and I not over it. I was able to watch anything and do anything and I didn't feel his spirit in me anymore, and I tried to repent the next day but I couldn't feel him anymore. I tried to confess thinking before I did it I would just confess like first john 1 verse 9 says but it didn't work this time and i new deep down i wouldnt because of the conviction of gods spirit, but that spirit of maddness came upon me and i blocked my ears to all reason. I tried to go about my life the best I could after that although I was in constant fear and trembling because of what I did at first for the next couple weeks. I found my mind changing to things and the thing I once thought of as wrong I began to be more open minded towards and this led me to believing I was becoming more "enlightened" or something and I used that to ease my conscience that god was still with me somehow, or even that god was differnt and I have found a "differnt god". I began to grow in the skills I have in working out and mentally but all along being deceived because I know longer had the right god in focus. This went on for the next 8 years I continued to work out and go to the gym, I got way more confident and developed my mind body and strength in ways I never thought possible, and was led to hights of enlightment that blue me away and was continually led to justify this as the fact that god must still be with me or that I found a new truth but in reality I still felt something off inside and it was the fact of course I was not with the lord. But toward the end of this last 8 years, (it started when I was 23 and now I am 31) my body began to fall apart and things were getting worse all around me). I finally hit a dead end recently within the last 3 months and have come to regurgate so to speak everything I have been doing realizing it was all but vanity and that the true god who I new and fell in love with has truly not been with me and that I have been living a lie, so I hade hit a wall. Since I have fallen into an existential crisis (so to speak) and with no word from the lord or encouragement from the scriptures in sight. It feels as though everybody has been pinned against me by god and I have no peace. I realized what Solomon was saying all is vanity under the sun and a striving after the wind, it's filled with madness and folly i have seeked out what pleasure can be had all the while my wisdom stuck with me and found everything to be but vanity, so it feels like my soul is being threatened with emtiness and hell constantly, and i am in constant panick and torment. In this state I am desperately trying to reach out to god as everything I've been doing has come to an end and I am completely at the end of myself. But it seems absolutely pointless because I feel completely reprobate and apostate, it seems as though god truly just gave me over to my sin and I have been filled with my own backsliding. Is it to late for me? Has anyone been in my situation and can offer me any advice? Or am I sentenced as I fear straight to hell. I feel as the book of hebrews chapter 10 would say nothing but a fearfull expectation of gods judgment and firy indignation that is consuming me right now and pursuing me to my grave.
