Boyfriend lying over small things?

[roseglass6370]

Okay, so here is my dilemma...

I think my boyfriend of 5 months may be lying to me about small things and I don't know how to figure it out or what to do. I know it has happened once before, but it was something so stupid that I thought he may have just said it without thinking. But now I'm not sure. We go to college together and are both in the same bio class. We got our grades back for an assignment and he told me that he got a perfect score (20/20) after I told him that I got an 18/20. Later, I found out that he actually got a 19/20. He explained it away as a mistake when I asked him about it, but I remembered that when I had asked to see his score when we got them back originally he wouldn't show it to me (laughing and playfully saying "Don't look at my grades!") I just don't understand why he would lie about one measly point!

Today, however, we got back an exam in the same class and he seemed upset with his grade. I let him see my test (I did well) to compare his answers and I asked him if he had gotten a question right that I had missed points on. He said that he had gotten it right but then when he tried to explain it to me, he told me something that I knew was wrong. When I corrected him, he got frustrated and defensive, then walked away. I have no solid proof that he lied in this instance because I never saw his test, but I think he may have.

In general, we have a very good relationship. We study the Bible together, pray together, attend the same church, and both share the same priorities. He treats me well, is affectionate, and always tells me that he cares about me a lot. This possible "lying" is the only thing that bothers me. So far it has just been these two instances that I know of, but they are making me constantly paranoid about his lying about other (bigger) things. I think about it all the time now! (The last guy I dated ended up cheating on me and lied to me about it throughout our entire relationship and I think this has caused me to have some trust issues...)

On a side note, I think he may have some insecurities about school and am wondering if this stems from that. I typically do better than him academically, but this has never bothered me at all. He still does well and I am proud of him. I just want to know that I can trust him. I care about him sooo much and don't want to break-up with him. If I can't trust him though, I will have no choice but to end things.

What do you think? Sorry it was so long.

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

You doing better than him academically doesn't bother you but it sounds like it does bother him. You should talk to him directly about this asking him if it bothers him when you get better grades then explain to him your reasoning for asking such a question. From personal experience he will probably try to dodge the question and/or brush it off because admitting an insecurity such as this can be make a man feel too vulnerable--but be persistent and make sure he answers the question! Many men have insecurity issues and it sounds like his revolves around how well he does academically.

I think the main problem you should be addressing is his insecurity and not the lying because even though the lying is wrong, his insecurity is what is causing him to lie and act irrationally.

 

[roseglass6370]

You doing better than him academically doesn't bother you but it sounds like it does bother him. You should talk to him directly about this asking him if it bothers him when you get better grades then explain to him your reasoning for asking such a question. From personal experience he will probably try to dodge the question and/or brush it off because admitting an insecurity such as this can be make a man feel too vulnerable--but be persistent and make sure he answers the question! Many men have insecurity issues and it sounds like his revolves around how well he does academically.

I think the main problem you should be addressing is his insecurity and not the lying because even though the lying is wrong, his insecurity is what is causing him to lie and act irrationally.

Thanks so much for your response. This has literally been eating away at me and I'm having trouble talking to anyone about it because I don't know many people that could be objective (all either his friends, my friends, or my family...all biased.)

So you think it might just be his insecurity with school? I've been wondering about that because I've never caught him being dishonest with me about anything not directly school-related. But these few little issues have been killing me.

Thanks again!

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Just talk to him about it.

 

[roseglass6370]

Thanks, I plan to talk to him tomorrow. It's just one of those situations where I can't tell if I am overreacting or not.

I appreciate the advice, and any prayer would be awesome as well.

 

[chris4243]

It could be that he's trying to make himself look good comparatively, because he is afraid of losing you. I suppose you can't count on him to tell you the truth if you ask "does this dress make me look fat", but he may nevertheless only lie "for a good cause". Anyways as others said do tell him you are more concerned about his honesty than grades (though maybe not that blatantly).

 

[Luther073082]

I think it might be an insecurity issue. In fact it sounds very much like that to me.

If you where to suddenly become a man one of the first unwritten rules you would learn about being a man is that you are taught to not allow your insecurities to be too public. Its a really hard thing for many men to admit that they are insecure about something. And so you have to portray yourself as this person who is secure when really in your mind you are questioning yourself and your value. I don't don't think girls have to deal with this as much as men.

So he may be embarrassed that you are getting better grades then him but at the same time he doesn't want to admit that he's embarrassed by that.

My wife and I went to different schools at different times, but to be fully honest when we where dating I was very insecure about the fact that her grades where much better then mine in college. (Not like a little better but a lot better) and if I where perfectly honest I would say that this insecurity still exists in a small part.

The good news is that I don't think it's because he's cheating on you or something like that. Making small lies about grades, does not benefit someone in regards to something major like that. I think he may just be afraid that if he's not seen as getting good grades in your eyes that you may value him less or look down upon him.

He needs to know, by your actions (not by your words) that you still respect him and consider him an intelligent person even if he has lower grades then you. It may just be a simple thing that he's afraid of losing your respect.