Another sexless unconsummated marriage

[Alongtime]

hello. I am here to share my story. I know we need counseling but that does not seem to be on my wife’s radar right now. Yes we have talked about this but nothing is getting done. I am working on myself it’s all I have left. So I have been married for 15 years and we dated for a year. We have NOT consummated the marriage yet. I have a very high drive and I am at my wits end. Yes on occasion she will take care of me but it has to be a certain way and only at night. I have lived with this for so long I have become numb bitter angry and that is not me. I have always been a very happy person but my limit is maxed out. I just wanted people to know that you are not alone and if you think a couple of years is tuff then you are just getting started to understanding my pain. I feel trapped, hopeless and alone. I know I’m not as I read many others accounts of sexless marriages. My situation is unique in that we have never had sex. Please pray for me as this new year begins that something changes in my heart or hers and I can start to feel normal again. I know God has used this marriage to help many people along the way, I am now the one looking for help.

My wife has had trams in her life and I feel for her in that, but how long is long enough before making things better.

Ask any questions. Here I am an open book.

 

[maintenance man]

I know we need counseling but that does not seem to be on my wife’s radar right now.

Your wife needs counseling - not you. Why doesn't she want to work through this?

 

[Alongtime]

I think she know she has a lot of work and is struggling with how much work it will actually be. She gets overwhelmed quickly

 

[maintenance man]

Maybe she would consider video or phone counseling from home - that might be less threatening.

Here's an online source: Faithful Counseling

 

[James Chairs4U]

hello. I am here to share my story. I know we need counseling but that does not seem to be on my wife’s radar right now. Yes we have talked about this but nothing is getting done. I am working on myself it’s all I have left. So I have been married for 15 years and we dated for a year. We have NOT consummated the marriage yet. I have a very high drive and I am at my wits end. Yes on occasion she will take care of me but it has to be a certain way and only at night. I have lived with this for so long I have become numb bitter angry and that is not me. I have always been a very happy person but my limit is maxed out. I just wanted people to know that you are not alone and if you think a couple of years is tuff then you are just getting started to understanding my pain. I feel trapped, hopeless and alone. I know I’m not as I read many others accounts of sexless marriages. My situation is unique in that we have never had sex. Please pray for me as this new year begins that something changes in my heart or hers and I can start to feel normal again. I know God has used this marriage to help many people along the way, I am now the one looking for help.

My wife has had trams in her life and I feel for her in that, but how long is long enough before making things better.

Ask any questions. Here I am an open book.

Hello,
Your not alone; there are many families or couples that are in a sexless marriage, including my own, but marriage is not only about sex or having sex, it's more on being with the person you fell in love with; growing old together and sharing life together. That's what's important. I know and understand the compelling feeling of wanting to be touched or having sex, and not happening. I try using that time for prayer along with thoughts on just what we are and why as humans we have this desire, it's how we are made; we are designed to multiply and it takes great thought to see beyond that, to control our emotions. I can only say, talk to your wife and pray together, my prayers are for both of you and the many other people that are experiencing the same.

 

[Dave-W]

Your wife needs counseling - not you.

Typical male response.

 

[Dave-W]

Maybe she would consider video or phone counseling from home - that might be less threatening.

She has to do all the work; just so he can get his jollies?

How selfish is that?

 

[maintenance man]

She has to do all the work; just so he can get his jollies?

How selfish is that?

I'm sorry, but I don't see this situation having anything to do with "jollies."

The husband wants something in the marriage that the wife is unable to give.

It's a reasonable request.

In my view, the first thing that needs to be addressed is why the wife is struggling with this issue. It would be much better if she explored this alone with a counselor - this way she can discuss any issues she has with her husband without him there to intimidate her in any way.

Obviously, at some point the husband will need to join the discussion, but in this case, based on the information given in the OP the wife's issues should be worked out first.

I could be wrong.

 

[Francis Drake]

Marriage has to include initial sexual consummation and ongoing sexual relationship otherwise it isn't marriage.

 

[Dave-W]

Marriage has to include initial sexual consummation and ongoing sexual relationship otherwise it isn't marriage.

Says who???

You are saying that Mary and Joseph were never really married?

 

[Dave-W]

In my view, the first thing that needs to be addressed is why the wife is struggling with this issue. It would be much better if she explored this alone with a counselor - this way she can discuss any issues she has with her husband without him there to intimidate her in any way.

IF she is ok with with not being sexual, why is it a “struggle?” Regaining (or developing in the first place) sexual desire can be and often is a LOT of hard work, with not that much difference in personal satisfaction.

So again, what reasonable person would put someone else; someone you LOVE; thru all that work, just to gain personal satisfaction ?

The only struggle is him wanting sex and not having it.

Yes, I know that they told us if we held off and stayed chaste until we said our “I DOs” that we could have all the sexual satisfaction we wanted and needed. Well guess what? They lied. It does not work that way. People and situations are more complex than those kind of simplistic answers.

If the wife wants to work thru the stuff to give her husband his jollies, then so be it. Otherwise, he needs to learn to live with the frustration.

End of story.

 

[maintenance man]

If the wife wants to work thru the stuff to give her husband his jollies, then so be it. Otherwise, he needs to learn to live with the frustration.

I would not be so presumptuous as to ascribe selfish motives. Physical intimacy is a two way street - both the husband and wife can benefit, and I would hope that is the ultimate goal.

The OP states that the wife has had "trauma" in her life. Working through whatever those issues are would be the "struggle" she is dealing with. Helping her get beyond her bad experience and find joy in physical intimacy with her husband should be rewarding for both partners.

 

[Dave-W]

The OP states that the wife has had "trauma" in her life.

Everybody has had some kind of trauma in their life; some worse than others obviously. We live in a fallen world.

Helping her get beyond her bad experience and find joy in physical intimacy with her husband should be rewarding for both partners.

Maybe, maybe not.

 

[iLove]

There is sin in the marriage that must be dealt with asap. A sexless marriage is sin. Her body belongs to you; and your body belongs to her. This is why the scripture says come together often so you will not be tempted.

The reason why Christians are struggling is because God is not first, so they get to take care of themselves (Matthew 6:33). If a Christian Faith is not placed and maintained in Christ and the Finished Work at Calvary's Cross where the victory was won (Romans 8:2), God will on purpose, frustrate all of your human attempts of being independently of Him. He will make sure that your self ability, self efforts, self will, and the wisdom of this world look foolish - failure will be the result along with spiritual burn out (1 Corinthians 1:19; Galatians 5:19-21). If Matthew 6:33 is missing, then you have just identified the cause of everything else that's wrong.

The Christian must understand we are fighting a spiritual battle what we can not see, but the effects of it you can see (Ephesians 6:12). We have entered a time when level one problems will not be able to be solve with level one thinking (Acts 17:30-31; 1 Corinthians 1:17-31). Many bypass the Cross for their solutions and Grace is cancelled (Christ has become of no benefit to the Believer). These problems we face are too severe to be talked out of anybody. Bondage (taskmasters are demon spirits that come to afflict - Exodus 1:11) can be broken only by the Power of God. This is why Jesus had to come from Heaven and die on the Cross in order that the power of sin may be broken. Sin has a power behind it and his name is Satan.

 

[iLove]

Other than his personal relationship with the Lord, there is nothing more important than a proper helpmate for a man. In fact, he can never really know all that the helpmate can be until he fully knows the Lord as he should.

When the Lord said “helpmate,” He meant exactly that. A woman has intuition that a man just doesn’t have. She has greater sensitivity to things than the man has and, thereby, is able to discern, I think, to a greater extent.

In view of this, the Holy Spirit through Paul said, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord” (Eph. 5:22).

This means that the husband is to act and conduct himself as the Lord; consequently, it would not be hard for any woman to submit herself to a man of that particular character and kindness.

He then said, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it” (Eph. 5:25).

Christ loved the church enough to die for it. The husband is to love his wife accordingly.

One of the great problems in marriage, and perhaps the greatest problem, is for the husband or wife, or both, to demand of their partner what only Christ can provide. I am persuaded that this is the cause of most marriage problems, even with Christians.

The human being can only be properly satisfied and fulfilled in Christ, but if the husband tries to make the wife meet this spiritual need or vice versa, there will be burnout. Regrettably, that is the problem with many, if not most. Addressing Christians: One cannot really know Christ fully unless one knows and understands the Cross.

Otherwise, he is serving and trusting “another Jesus” (II Cor. 11:4), which means that Christ cannot truly and properly be to that person what He wants to be because his faith is misplaced. Let’s say it in a stronger way: No believer can know Christ exactly as he should unless he knows Him in relationship to the Cross. Only there can he find more abundant life (Jn. 10:10).

“And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made He a woman, and brought her unto the man” (Gen. 2:22).

The word brought insinuates a formal presentation, i.e., a wedding. God was the best man, so to speak!

The phrase, “And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made He a woman,” in the Hebrew actually says, “built He a woman.”

Horton says, “When God created the man, the word ‘form’ was used, which is the same word used of a potter forming a clay jar. But the word ‘build’ here seems to mean God paid even more attention to the creation of the woman.”

JSM

 

[Dave-W]

There is sin in the marriage that must be dealt with asap. A sexless marriage is sin.

That is your interpretation.

The early Church fathers saw sex in marriage as a sin; one that God barely tolerated in order to have children.

 

[Dave-W]

When the Lord said “helpmate,” He meant exactly that.

Not a good translation. “Helper opposite him” is more accurate.

 

[Dave-W]

Her body belongs to you; and your body belongs to her. This is why the scripture says come together often so you will not be tempted.

It also says anything not from faith is a sin. The OP said there had been trauma. PTSD flashbacks of sexual abuse can look like lust filled fantasy and also be sin.

This issue is much more complicated than your simplistic answers.

 

[tall73]

It also says anything not from faith is a sin. The OP said there had been trauma. PTSD flashbacks of sexual abuse can look like lust filled fantasy and also be sin.

This issue is much more complicated than your simplistic answers.

Except we do not know the issue yet. He has not said what the nature of the trauma is in this case.

 

[Dave-W]

Except we do not know the issue yet. He has not said what the nature of the trauma is in this case.

No we don’t. I was merely giving an example of what it COULD be.

The fix may be seen as sinful (or even MORE sinful) than the problem.