Al-Anon Detachment

[If Not For Grace]

You are Reading From:
How Al-anon works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics
Pg. 83, Chapter 11 (Detachment, Love, and Forgiveness)

Detachment is one of the most valuable techniques Al-anon offers those of us who seek to reclaim ourselves. Simply put, detachment means to separate ourselves emotionally and spiritually from other people.
If someone we love had the flu and cancelled plans with us, most of us would understand. We wouldn't take it personally or blame the person for being inconsiderate or weak. Instead, in our minds, we would probably separate the person from the illness, knowing that it was the illness, rather than our loved one, that caused the change of plans. This is detachment. And we can use it to see alcoholism in the same compassionate yet impersonal way. When alcoholism causes a change in plans, or sends harsh words or other unacceptable behavior in our direction, we needn't take it any more personally than we do the flu symptoms. It is the disease rather than the individual that is responsible. By seeing the person as separate from the disease, by detaching, we can stop being hurt by groundless insults or angered by outrageous lies. If we can learn to step back from alcoholism's symptoms and effects just as we would from the sneezing of person with a cold, we will no longer have take those effects to heart.
(pg 84) Learning to detach often begins by learning to take a moment before reacting to alcoholic behavior. In that moment we can ask ourselves, "Is this behavior coming from the person or the disease?" Although at first the answer may not be clear to us, in time it becomes easier to discern whether the alcoholism or our friend or relative has prompted the disturbing behavior. This distinction makes us better able to emotionally distance ourselves from the behavior. We can remember that although alcoholics often surround themselves with crisis, chaos, fear, and pain, we need not play a part in the turmoil. Blaming others for the consequences of their own choices and acting out verbally or physically are some of the smokescreens that alcoholics use to conceal the real source of the trouble- alcoholism. Everyone's attention goes to the harsh word, the broken glass, or the bounced check rather than the disease. It becomes automatic to defend against the insult, weep or rage at the thrown glass, scramble to cover the bounced check. But by naming the disease, we see through the alcoholic's smokescreen and therefore needn't be distracted by it all. Instead of taking the behavior personally, in time we can learn to say to ourselves, "That's just alcoholism," and let it go.
Simply knowing that alcoholism is the source of the unacceptable behavior is not sufficient, however. We may have to take action to help us achieve greater emotional distance. We might change the subject, leave the room or even the house, or involve ourselves in some physically demanding activity. We may need the support or perspective that only a Sponsor or fellow Al-anon member can provide. An Al-anon call or meeting could be just what we need to help us separate ourselves from the symptoms and effects of the disease without separating ourselves from the human being. At first, we might not detach very gracefully. Many of us have done so with resentment, bitter silence, or loud and angry condescension. It takes time and practice to master detachment. Beginning the process is important, even if we do it badly at first and must later make amends. But it is important to remember that establishing personal boundaries is not the same as building walls. Our goal is to heal ourselves and our relationships with other (pg 85)
human beings, not to coldly distance ourselves, especially from the people who matter most to us. In fact, detachment is far more compassionate and respectful than the unfeeling distancing or the compulsive involvement many or us have practiced in the past, for when we detach with love, we accept others exactly as they are.
Detachment with love allows us to hate the disease of alcoholism, yet step back from that disease in order to find love for the alcoholic. For some of us, this love was apparent all along. For others, love may be the last emotion we would associate with the alcoholic. Those of us who grew up in a abusive alcoholic environment may be hard pressed to summon any love for the alcoholics we have known.

 

[If Not For Grace]

 

[If Not For Grace]

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go By Melody Beattie

Setting Our Own Course

We are powerless over other people's expectations of us. We cannot control what others want, what they expect, or what they want us to do and be.
...
We can control how we respond to other people's expectations.

During the course of any day, people may make demands on our time, talents, energy, money, and emotions. We do not have to say yes to every request. We do not have to feel guilty if we say no. And we do not have to allow the barrage of demands to control the course of our life.

We do not have to spend our life reacting to others and to the course they would prefer we took with our life.

We can set boundaries, firm limits on how far we shall go with others. We can trust and listen to ourselves. We can set goals and direction for our life. We can place value on ourselves.

We can own our power with people.

Buy some time. Think about what you want. Consider how responding to another's needs will affect the course of your life. We live or own life by not letting other people, their expectations, and their demands control the course of our life. We can let them have their demands and expectations; we can allow them to have their feelings. We can own our power to choose the path that is right for us.

Today, God, help me own my power by detaching and peacefully choosing the course of action that is right for me. Help me know I can detach from the expectations and wants of others. Help me stop pleasing other people and start pleasing myself.

 

[If Not For Grace]

Most of those dealing with addiction/recovery know that in order to make a true change or to "let go" involves hitting bottom. They come to the point where they have tried everything THEY know to do and Still..life spirals out of control..its "what do I do now" "there's nowhere left to go" it is at that point" we find true HOPE for now we realize:

 

[If Not For Grace]

You are reading from the book Today's Gift: Daily Meditations For Families

We cannot do all things.
—Virgil

... We are each limited in terms of time and energy. If we try to do too much, we do everything half-rate. How much better it is to clearly sort out what is really important to us, and then give ourselves to those things or people wholeheartedly.

Famous writers have written about the difficulty of having more than one or two really good friends. That number seems so unimpressive if we equate popularity with the number of friends we have. If we want quality, we must accept our limitations. In this way we avoid wasting energy on unimportant tasks, on friends who aren't true or close, on goals which aren't what we really want. We can only commit ourselves wholeheartedly to a limited number of tasks and a limited number of people.

Who are my truly good friends?

 

[If Not For Grace]

SOMETIMES WALKING AWAY IS THE ONLY WAY TO WIN.

Never waste your time trying to explain yourself to people who have proven that they are committed to misunderstanding you. In other words, don’t define your intelligence by the number of arguments you have won, but by the number of times you have said, “This needless nonsense is not worth my time.”

 

[alexand3r]

You are Reading From:
How Al-anon works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics
Pg. 83, Chapter 11 (Detachment, Love, and Forgiveness)

Detachment is one of the most valuable techniques Al-anon offers those of us who seek to reclaim ourselves. Simply put, detachment means to separate ourselves emotionally and spiritually from other people.
If someone we love had the flu and cancelled plans with us, most of us would understand. We wouldn't take it personally or blame the person for being inconsiderate or weak. Instead, in our minds, we would probably separate the person from the illness, knowing that it was the illness, rather than our loved one, that caused the change of plans. This is detachment. And we can use it to see alcoholism in the same compassionate yet impersonal way. When alcoholism causes a change in plans, or sends harsh words or other unacceptable behavior in our direction, we needn't take it any more personally than we do the flu symptoms. It is the disease rather than the individual that is responsible. By seeing the person as separate from the disease, by detaching, we can stop being hurt by groundless insults or angered by outrageous lies. If we can learn to step back from alcoholism's symptoms and effects just as we would from the sneezing of person with a cold, we will no longer have take those effects to heart.
(pg 84) Learning to detach often begins by learning to take a moment before reacting to alcoholic behavior. In that moment we can ask ourselves, "Is this behavior coming from the person or the disease?" Although at first the answer may not be clear to us, in time it becomes easier to discern whether the alcoholism or our friend or relative has prompted the disturbing behavior. This distinction makes us better able to emotionally distance ourselves from the behavior. We can remember that although alcoholics often surround themselves with crisis, chaos, fear, and pain, we need not play a part in the turmoil. Blaming others for the consequences of their own choices and acting out verbally or physically are some of the smokescreens that alcoholics use to conceal the real source of the trouble- alcoholism. Everyone's attention goes to the harsh word, the broken glass, or the bounced check rather than the disease. It becomes automatic to defend against the insult, weep or rage at the thrown glass, scramble to cover the bounced check. But by naming the disease, we see through the alcoholic's smokescreen and therefore needn't be distracted by it all. Instead of taking the behavior personally, in time we can learn to say to ourselves, "That's just alcoholism," and let it go.
Simply knowing that alcoholism is the source of the unacceptable behavior is not sufficient, however. We may have to take action to help us achieve greater emotional distance. We might change the subject, leave the room or even the house, or involve ourselves in some physically demanding activity. We may need the support or perspective that only a Sponsor or fellow Al-anon member can provide. An Al-anon call or meeting could be just what we need to help us separate ourselves from the symptoms and effects of the disease without separating ourselves from the human being. At first, we might not detach very gracefully. Many of us have done so with resentment, bitter silence, or loud and angry condescension. It takes time and practice to master detachment. Beginning the process is important, even if we do it badly at first and must later make amends. But it is important to remember that establishing personal boundaries is not the same as building walls. Our goal is to heal ourselves and our relationships with other (pg 85)
human beings, not to coldly distance ourselves, especially from the people who matter most to us. In fact, detachment is far more compassionate and respectful than the unfeeling distancing or the compulsive involvement many or us have practiced in the past, for when we detach with love, we accept others exactly as they are.
Detachment with love allows us to hate the disease of alcoholism, yet step back from that disease in order to find love for the alcoholic. For some of us, this love was apparent all along. For others, love may be the last emotion we would associate with the alcoholic. Those of us who grew up in a abusive alcoholic environment may be hard pressed to summon any love for the alcoholics we have known.

I needed this, and in the upcoming weeks, I am sure I am going to need more support that I hope this site can give. I'm in the process of waking up, detaching, while at the same time feeling major grief and sadness for what my marriage has become. Any support I can find is so appreciated.

 

[If Not For Grace]

~ A WOMAN’S SPIRIT ~ (More Meditations For Women) ~

Change comes about when we stop trying to shape up the other person and begin to observe patterns and find new options for our own behavior.

~ Harriet Lemer ~

Accepting that we can’t change someone else affects every detail of our lives. Many of us have spent years frustrated, even frantic at times, trying to control the actions and the opinions of others.

At last we have been helped to look at our own behavior. What a relief to be rid of the burden of being responsible for others’ actions! Focusing only on ourselves is empowering. Every day feels more adventurous when we take full responsibility for our thoughts and words, leaving to others what belongs to them.

Being personally responsible for learning new patterns of behavior is like teaching a small child how to skip. Effort pays off in time.

I will have many chances today to mold my behavior to match my self-perception.

 

[alexand3r]

I plan on finding an Alanon meeting to attend, but in the meantime, if someone could give me insight:

1. I know we shouldn't enable by cleaning up messes for the one with the drinking problem. Do we mention it the next day? Is it bad to talk about it? Am I supposed to just start the day as if the drunk night before never happened?

2. I am learning to detach and look at my husband separate from his drinking. this is no easy task. When he says all the hurtful things about me and my kids, am I supposed to assume it is the liquor talking? I've read that is what I am supposed to do and not to take it to heart, yet at the same time, the old saying is "truth comes out when you are drunk". Does he really feel those things when he says them? Most of the time he has no recall of what he has said.

Any insight is welcome. I am glad I found this site.

 

[If Not For Grace]

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Detachment is a key to recovery from codependency. It strengthens our healthy relationships - the ones that we want to grow and flourish. It benefits our difficult relationships - the ones that are teaching us to cope. It helps us!

Detachment is not something we do once. It's a daily behavior in recovery. We learn it ...when were beginning our recovery from codependency and adult children issues. And we continue to practice it along the way as we grow and change, and as our relationships grow and change.

We learn to let go of people we love, people we like, and those we don't particularly care for. We separate ourselves, and our process, from others and their process.

We relinquish our tight hold and our need to control in our relationships. We take responsibility for ourselves; we allow others to do the same. We detach with the understanding that life is unfolding exactly as it needs to, for others and ourselves. The way life unfolds is good, even when it hurts. And ultimately, we can benefit from even the most difficult situations. We do this with the understanding that a Power greater than ourselves is in charge, and all is well.

Today, I will apply the concept of detachment, to the best of my ability, in my relationships. If I cant let go completely, Ill try to hang on loose.

 

[If Not For Grace]

Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead
happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights; lives guided by a Power
greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking the behavior.
IN AL-ANON WE LEARN:​

·​

​

​

​

Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people​

·​

​

​

​

Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another's
recovery​

·​

​

​

​

Not to do for others what they could do for themselves​

·​

​

​

​

Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink​

·​

​

​

​

Not to cover up for anyone's mistakes or misdeeds​

·​

​

​

​

Not to create a crisis​

·​

​

​

​

Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events
By learning to focus on ourselves, our attitudes and well-being improve. We allow the
alcoholics in our lives to experience the consequences of their own actions.​

AL-

 

[If Not For Grace]

Alexand3r: Al-Anon is about choices and learning to make em, first learning you HAVE em

If you don't clean up a mess, it's likely going to still be there an mentioning it would not be necessary. Here again if the mess upsets you more than cleaning it up-clean it, if not leave it for them to clean up..YOUR CHOICE

Powerlessness is Step one and it is considered by many to be the most difficult and the one we have to return to a few times bf we actually get it.

When the A says hurtful things I can chose to QTIP (Quit taking it personally) I know what is true and untrue. MY ESH is to not engage someone who is actively intoxicated. If possible I remove myself from the area (go to another room, leave the house, Waffle house is open 24/7, so is Wal-Mart)

Logic does not apply to addiction and trying to "talk sense" to a drunk is futile. Silence says a lot.

I also have some pre-packaged responses which virtually say nothing and are designed to diffuse a potentially volatile situation. ("I'll have to think about that, you may be right", "I have every confidence you'll figure out what you need to do" "do I owe you a favor?" automatic response for me if someone/anyone begins a sentence with "do me a favor"..(you might have to work up to the stronger stmts). The idea is not to add fuel to the fire and not to be a doormat. You know your A, think of stmts like this in advance and you will not be as reactive in nature.

another thing we have to consider is part of the problem is the addiction or the effect the substance has on the person and the other part is personality.

Not all alcoholics are horses butts, but many horses butts ARE alcoholics. If you are living with a mean person or an idiot and you add alcohol, you just have a mean drunk or a drunk idiot.

I have never known of a case of addiction NOT involving verbal abuse. Some people can handle harsh statements others are more sensitive. You have to set boundaries that you can handle. Do not give an ultimatum without being prepared for the A to choose the less preferential method. Remember they are not known for making the best choices especially when active. Mean what you say and say what you mean, if you don't know- it may be best to either say IDK or keep quiet. AGAIN YOUR CHOICE.

In Al-Anon we do not give advice-the above is my experience. You are not me and I am not you. We have a slogan called "Take what YOU like and leave the rest". This applies to ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you hear/see/read etc in al-anon.

All people are affected by their environment by a process call osmosis if nothing else. We who are not using alcohol get just as "out there" as the A's if we have no skill or program to help us deal with the effects of addiction. But remember this for YOU and the A...you did not get here overnight and you will not get well overnight. It's a process, it's Self-help (you got to do some work) and you gotta wanna and be willing to change.

In Al-Anon we define insanity as doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Our thinking OURS becomes distorted and we need to be restored to sanity. In step 2 we "come to believe in a power" greater than ourselves to help us.

I hope this helps. Another thing to remember is Just for today..and Easy does it. Time takes Time. I hope this helps

 

[If Not For Grace]