Advice needed: Dating a divorced woman?

[praises4god]

I was wondering if anyone here could give me some advice. Back in April I met a woman who I thought was the most amazing woman I have ever met...over my life I have never been good at the whole dating thing, I have met some and gone out with some less than kind-hearted girls. I am a very shy person, but with this woman we were absolutely compatible in the most complete way and everything felt so right that it amazed me.

Things were going very good. However, this woman's divorce was not finalized yet, and it still isn't, and she had been through a lot of hurt over her marriage. I couldn't see it right when we started going out, but then I started noticing that she was a very hurt woman. Well, stresses in her life started piling on...at the end of May she told me that she could not see me anymore because she couldn't provide a long-term relationship to me. (We weren't boyfriend and girlfriend, but seeing each other and dating. She felt like I wanted a long-term relationship)

As of today, July 13, she has not spoken to me/called/emailed/texted me...I have always tried to tell myself that it was nothing that I did wrong, and that this whole thing isn't as clear cut for her as it is for me (me being available and ready to get involved with someone special, her). Needless to say, ever since this happened I have been devastated. Absolutely heartbroken. I have prayed to God constantly everyday, and recently realized that I may have not fully given it over to Him. I had given it to Him maybe 99% instead of 100%. How can I stop thinking about this woman so much and stop thinking about worries such as another man being fortunate enough to show up at the right time in her life, and have her, instead of it being me? Should I pray for her return to my life, as I have been doing? How do I completely move on?

Also, ever since I have started praying to God about this, I have prayed to Him that it's an acceptable prayer to want her back in my life. I don't want to pray to God for something He won't want! I have constantly asked God for direction on this, and I find myself still absolutely unable to get over her. Any advice is greatly appreciated!

 

[JCFantasy23]

I am sorry you have a broken heart, that is tough to deal with. Perhaps she really just is not ready for another relationship after her marriage. It sounds like it could be a sticky situation anyway, since the divorce is only in process and not all healing has begun. You may end up being hurt worse if the relationship had continued.

 

[PolarBear3]

Should I pray for her return to my life, as I have been doing? How do I completely move on?

I feel for you. And for her.

Instead of praying for her return to your life, she probably needs prayers for strength and healing.

As for completely moving on, I've never found an easy way to do that. Just give yourself time to heal and pray for direction from God.

 

[Bootstrap]

Ouch.

Someone still in the heat of a divorce is going through all kinds of emotions that are hard to fathom if you haven't been there, and it sounds like she still has a lot to work through.

Here's the best book I've seen for trying to explain the emotional side of divorce:

Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life
http://www.amazon.com/Crazy-Time-Surviving-Divorce-Building/dp/0060923091/

My experience was along the lines of what this book describes - there's a time that you've completely lost your bearings, nothing makes sense, you have to remember why you want to live - and that was true for me even as a Christian with a strong faith. I knew God was there, but it was more faith than anything I could feel, I had to ask others to pray for me because I could not pray for myself very well.

Then there was a time that I often felt fine, but I wasn't very good at knowing how I was doing, and I'd try things and then find that I wasn't doing as well as I thought.

If you want to understand the range of things that people may be feeling during a divorce, I think the above book is very helpful.

And it's probably not anything you've done. She'll need time. During the heat of a divorce, friends are a lot more helpful than romance.

Hope this is helpful ... I know it's tough for you.

Jonathan

 

[GQ Chris]

It just takes time; stay positive and keep yourself busy.

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

Since I am a divorced woman, myself......I can give you advice.

If her divorce isn't final.......then she's NOT divorced, yet, she's still married. (I wouldn't even try to date her, because she's going thru so many emotions, I can't even BEGIN to describe! )

The rule, about divorced people, usually goes: Don't date a divorced person until they are 1 year out of their marriage (divorce papers finalized).

People (male or female) when only separated and fighting things out in court are going thru soooooo many different emotions, that they can't even think straight. One day your fine and want to date, the next day.....life sucks and you hate the opposit sex, then the next.....you want to be in a relationship.

 

[praises4god]

Since I am a divorced woman, myself......I can give you advice.

If her divorce isn't final.......then she's NOT divorced, yet, she's still married. (I wouldn't even try to date her, because she's going thru so many emotions, I can't even BEGIN to describe! )

The rule, about divorced people, usually goes: Don't date a divorced person until they are 1 year out of their marriage (divorce papers finalized).

People (male or female) when only separated and fighting things out in court are going thru soooooo many different emotions, that they can't even think straight. One day your fine and want to date, the next day.....life sucks and you hate the opposit sex, then the next.....you want to be in a relationship.

Thanks...that was actually one of the things I wondered. If she was absolutely fine at the beginning and open to dating, what happened near the end that made it all fall apart? Oh, and she had been separated for 5 months and from what she told me it was almost finalized...bad move on my part I suppose.

As was stated in here earlier, unless someone has been in a divorce there are a lot of emotions that are hard to imagine and understand...that's the way I am, so its very helpful to hear some insight from individuals who have gone through it. I appreciate it!

 

[GQ Chris]

There are some great divorced women out there, who didn't want the divorce and really weren't left with much of a choice. The trick is differentiating between the good ones and not so good ones.

 

[katautumn]

There are some great divorced women out there, who didn't want the divorce and really weren't left with much of a choice. The trick is differentiating between the good ones and not so good ones.

And then there are those of us divorced gals who initiated the divorce, but with valid reason.

To the OP, divorce can be very stressful. Unless I accidentally overlooked it, you did not mention in your post whether or not she has children with her estranged husband. If there are kids involved, divorces can be lengthy, messy and incredibly difficult. She's probably distancing herself from you to evaluate her situation and also to spare you the "drama".

You said in your OP that you're very shy and tend to be unlucky when it comes to dating. Are you absolutely certain that this is the woman you're meant to be with, or are you latching onto her because she seems like a great catch? Someone who has paid attention to you, in spite of your shyness? It's so easy to confuse desperation and love. I've been guilty of it myself. I'm a firm believer that if it is meant to be, she'll come back. But in the meantime you have to try not to dwell and obsess over her. She's obviously going through a difficult time right now and she needs this time to sort through her life and heal.

 

[praises4god]

I see some good points being made here...

I didn't get latched on to her because she was the only girl who paid attention to me. I'm a shy person but not in an extreme sense. I have talked to plenty of girls and I don't just get latched on to whoever pays attention to me, ha ha. No, this is a very special person. I'm not saying she's the one I'm meant to be with, but she very would could be.

I did make the mistake of trying to date a woman whose divorce isn't final, although I did not have sex with her. I also know that if her divorce isn't final but they are separated for months, I'm technically going out with a married woman. Again, big mistake on my part.

I appreciate everyone's input! Nice to hear something other than "get over her". Although that is what I very well may have to do, still good to hear more than just that!

 

[katautumn]

praises4god, I am not the sort of person who thinks it's inherently wrong to date someone who is going through a divorce. Here in the States, especially in custody battles, an estranged spouse can get into some legal problems if they enter into a sexual relationship while separated, but I don't think there is anything morally wrong about dating someone who is separated. Once the petition has been filed, unless one or both parties reneges on the divorce proceedings, the marriage has been severed even if it's not legal. Obviously there is no tie there anymore, unless one spouse is still in love with the other and hoping for reconciliation.

The only problems come from emotional frailty and the stress of the divorce process itself, which is why I think this woman may have pulled away.

 

[charligirl]

I think you need to start praying, 'Lord, YOUR will be done in my life' accept her decision (she has wisdom) and cut yourself free from her - you know if she is the one God has for you He'll soon bring her back once she is healed and available.

 

[praises4god]

If divorced Christian women aren't supposed to remarry, how come that is being done so much nowadays? Are that many Christian women just completely disobeying the Bible? Because I believe thousands of divorced Christian women have remarried.

 

[praises4god]

It's funny to me when some people take the Bible so literally!! Especially, when they're so young and have ZERO experience with 'life'.



Yup.....that's our life mission, as divorced Christians.....to completely go against the Bible and God!

My post was trying to question that (since I basically fell in love with a divorced woman)...I don't believe a divorced woman remarrying is wrong. If it is, then the Christian church is in a bad bad state!

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

My post was trying to question that (since I basically fell in love with a divorced woman)...I don't believe a divorced woman remarrying is wrong. If it is, then the Christian church is in a bad bad state!

I know.....I was agreeing with you and laughing at the posts above you.

I also wanted to add....that MOST Christians, I know, that the Bible to other Christians that are good, kind, honest people......but have made mistakes time to time, are Bible preaching Christians, that have made some pretty horrible sin's themselves, so may want to take a look in the mirror!

 

[charligirl]

If divorced Christian women aren't supposed to remarry, how come that is being done so much nowadays? Are that many Christian women just completely disobeying the Bible? Because I believe thousands of divorced Christian women have remarried.

I am a bible believing christian and I believe the bible absolutely and live my life accordingly to the fullest extent I am able, and I married a divorced man. I also believe that to truely understand the word of God we need to study behind the english translations and understand the original menaing of the texts as the people of the day would have understood them - which can shed a very different light on some traditional teachings.

There are arguments, both based on scripture, for and against divorce and remarriage. You seriously need to read up and get into your own study and seek God's heart before you even consider dating a divorcee - I did and I believe I am withing scripture and God's will - others are allowed to disagree and many do I expect.

Do a search, there are many threads discussing remarriage and divorce with lively debate, and scriptures from both sides.

 

[moerunamida]

Well, I do not agree with divorce except in unfaithfulness or extreme circumstances like physical abuse or threatening the life of the wife/husband/child. But, people do still get divorced for even petty reasons. My boyfriend is a divorced man. The way I see it if God can forgive sins if repented, then I can forgive my boyfriend for making a mistake by jumping into a marriage too quickly while he was young. Christ's blood has cleansed all those who seek it. Let's forgive those who've repented for their mistakes as well.

 

[katautumn]

This would also would not be me debating with any of you, just me keeping you all accountable

I already have someone to do that, thanks. I have my husband.

Sincerely,

Kat - the perpetual adulteress for divorcing a man who beat her on a daily basis and remarried the greatest man in the world five years later.

 

[Sketcher]

If divorced Christian women aren't supposed to remarry, how come that is being done so much nowadays? Are that many Christian women just completely disobeying the Bible? Because I believe thousands of divorced Christian women have remarried.

Corruption. Many Christian men and women are flagrantly going against what Jesus Himself commanded, and they and the pastors who "marry" them will be held accountable by the Lord. These pastors know that if they tell the truth, people will not have it, and their churches will be mostly empty (for a while). The cost of this is we have crap Christianity in America right now.

 

[katautumn]

The cost of this is we have crap Christianity in America right now.

And a great number of happy, fulfilled, completed remarried people.