Advice for unappreciated husband

[JFebSD]

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and have two children that are under 7. My husband has been telling me lately he feels unappreciated and lonely but I don’t seem to understand why he feels this way. He has recently started being different after a lot of financial problems we were having. He is now working over 40 hours a week and comes home late so there isn’t really time to spend together except the weekends in the evenings after he gets off work. I try and talk to him but all he seems to be worried about is problems at his job (which I tell him to not worry about his job at home and just focus on enjoying time with us) and more than half of the time we end up arguing about pointless things, which make our moods bad. I also work full time and attend school in the evenings. He says that he feels unappreciated, but I just can’t seem to understand why? I’m telling him to get another job that can pay him a little more and not require him to work almost every day so he can be less stressed and our financial situation would be better, but he sees how he can get promoted at his current job and doesn’t want to leave or apply for other jobs. I, in no way, ever tell him to make more money or tell him he needs to work more, in fact I tell him that I am proud of him and how much he’s changed and how happy I am to see that he hasn’t drank alcohol (he was an alcoholic) and how I am so happy that he is trying to get closer to God and going with me and the kids to bible study and church. I show him affection as much as I can, but I guess that’s not enough for him. I have asked him what it is that I have to do to make him feel appreciated but he never gives me an answer.There are times where I want to talk to him about his feelings and he just gets emotional and cries (not saying crying is bad) and we can't seem to talk or resolve anything. I sometimes get frustrated because I feel as though he is making himself fell that way and bringing himself down because i just can't seem to understand how he fells lonely or unappreciated. I don’t know how to explain it but I just feel like I don’t know him anymore because he was never like this before, its like he is another person. I just don’t know what to do so he can feel appreciated and not feel lonely.

 

[johndoo]

Part of the issue may be work. If he is underappreciated at work, that may carry over.
He may be depressed. Is he willing to talk to a mental health professional?
If he won't go see someone alone, perhaps he would go to marriage counseling with you "to help you understand" since he won't or can't tell you directly.

 

[98cwitr]

Step 1: Pray! Alone and together
Step 2: Verbal appreciation: Take note of small things he does. Say thank you. Give him a hug and a kiss and tell him you're glad to be married to him and you're proud of his efforts
Step 3: Ignore the "noise." Some men will grumble about problems. Help encourage him to divert his mind from the problems and focus on being attentive to family needs outside of work, and let the work problems stay there.
Step 4: Pray again.

Repeat repeat repeat.

I've felt lonely too, and it's always in times of stress or when my wife has a lot going on. She's awesome though, because when I tell her how I feel she is attentive to ensuring I feel wanted. She does this by prioritizing the marriage over extracurricular obligations. Put your marriage before all else. You may want to re-read/re-watch your vows That helped me be more attentive to my wife when she felt lonely.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Well does he appreciate all you do? Usually the person that works needs to feel appreciated. But they overlook how hard a hob it is to run a house. That aside marriage is hard work. Add kids into it and problems seem to pop up even more often. Lets face it, kids means quality you time when before them is pretty much gone. Maybe try to make room for a date out. Maybe take a small vacation. Maybe a job change is needed. If your not happy with your job then you bring it back to your life at home.

 

[bluegreysky]

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and have two children that are under 7. My husband has been telling me lately he feels unappreciated and lonely but I don’t seem to understand why he feels this way. He has recently started being different after a lot of financial problems we were having. He is now working over 40 hours a week and comes home late so there isn’t really time to spend together except the weekends in the evenings after he gets off work. I try and talk to him but all he seems to be worried about is problems at his job (which I tell him to not worry about his job at home and just focus on enjoying time with us) and more than half of the time we end up arguing about pointless things, which make our moods bad. I also work full time and attend school in the evenings. He says that he feels unappreciated, but I just can’t seem to understand why? I’m telling him to get another job that can pay him a little more and not require him to work almost every day so he can be less stressed and our financial situation would be better, but he sees how he can get promoted at his current job and doesn’t want to leave or apply for other jobs. I, in no way, ever tell him to make more money or tell him he needs to work more, in fact I tell him that I am proud of him and how much he’s changed and how happy I am to see that he hasn’t drank alcohol (he was an alcoholic) and how I am so happy that he is trying to get closer to God and going with me and the kids to bible study and church. I show him affection as much as I can, but I guess that’s not enough for him. I have asked him what it is that I have to do to make him feel appreciated but he never gives me an answer.There are times where I want to talk to him about his feelings and he just gets emotional and cries (not saying crying is bad) and we can't seem to talk or resolve anything. I sometimes get frustrated because I feel as though he is making himself fell that way and bringing himself down because i just can't seem to understand how he fells lonely or unappreciated. I don’t know how to explain it but I just feel like I don’t know him anymore because he was never like this before, its like he is another person. I just don’t know what to do so he can feel appreciated and not feel lonely.

We are dealing with something similar to this but flipped.
I am working my usual 40 hour week job (and some overtime the last 2 months by a few hours due to understaffed). He is going to school 18 credit hours and a double major. Every night he studies all evening. all weekend. he doesn't want to go to church so I have to make bargains with him and stuff. And I work all day.
So sometimes he says he wishes I'd do something intimate with him during the day or run an errand for him or walk the dog and I'm like "but duh, I work all day so that's why it didn't happen" but he still wishes. Then I lament how we could be snuggled on the couch watching TV after work but we're not because he's at his computer studying. And I lament having to ask some people from church to go see War Room with me because I know he doesn't have time. And I went to small group alone.
"but duh, it's not like he has time right"
so he hears me whine and cry and he feels like I don't appreciate him working hard.
And I hear him wish I'd do MORE stuff because he's busy and I feel like all I do is work hard and it's thankless.
So we are both like that.
Finally, he compromised. He bought a chair so I can read by him while he studies.
and let me make room in his office for that chair.
But I had to let getting to be in the same room be good enough instead of wanting more ... like more date nights or soemthing like that.
He compromised and went to church last week though he didn't really have time.
He did it because I was nice to him, did the groceries without him, did the chores without him, got up early to go to the early service so he had the rest of the day ahead, and thanked him profusely for making time.
I wanted him to go to this big family wedding 350 miles away that he was trying to back out of. Ideally, we'd drive up to save money and be there for 3 days and get to enjoy the scenery a little. I compromised by getting plane tickets and we will only be there a day and a half. Just long enough for the event itself and a good night's sleep.

The summary here is it's all about compromise.
You might have to compromise and make a few hours to show him some love.
He will have to compromise and accept your offering of home cooked dinner and sex over whatever he really wants which might have been a weekend getaway or something.

The other thing I will say is it truly is the little things that count.
I left my husband little love notes on the dry erase boards all over the house.
I put gas in his car.
I got him a tasty tuna steak. I hate fish. But I spent $ to get him a meal HE likes.
I made time for a "quickie" on 3 different mornings BEFORE work something I never do.
That little stuff goes a long way.
He noticed, he appreciated my appreciation for him,
and was less fiesty that week.
The week before, we'd fought constantly and he said more than once that "I don't appreciate the stuff he does".
To him, studying all the time to get a degree to get a new career sometime in the future IS "all the stuff he does".
In his mind, It's the equivalent of how I keep the house pretty clean and keep updating it to feel homey and cook nice meals and make time for intimacy and all that.
Maybe your husband thinks putting up with that job is his equivalent of your putting up with the kids.
The love languages might be different there.

 

[DaisyDay]

Well does he appreciate all you do? Usually the person that works needs to feel appreciated. But they overlook how hard a hob it is to run a house.

I think you missed this part of her post: "I also work full time and attend school in the evenings."

 

[AWorkInProgress]

Reading your post and it reminded me of things my wife and I recently had to confront.

Seven years is a long time, between trials, good times, hardships. As we grow and take on new challenges, we find we have new needs or maybe old ones that been suppressed up till now. My wife was hit with serious health issues which changed her life and I been in the Lords hands of healing emotionally from things I carried for years. We had to sincerely admit we changed.

I say this, that you have changed and so has your husband. Sometimes if we don't check our hearts in regards to years of unforgiveness, we become more like roommates than a married couple on fire for each other. We could think we are loving our spouse, but we really don't let them fully in. Painful honesty and prayer(asking Jesus to guide us in this) are the key to identifying and overcoming the things that came between our spouse.

With your husband, alcoholism like any other addiction, is a means of escaping pain. If he has gotten out from under the bottle, it means the pain been running from will begin to surface. He will need help facing it. Hardest part is for him to humble himself and recognize it. Which it sounds like he is not there yet. Also he carries misconceptions about what is important in live for him to achieve. I seriously recommend you both get counselling ASAP.

 

[Autumnleaf]

When he comes home there is time. Time for you to rub his back and thank him and whatever else you know he likes. You decide if there is time or not. Don't you?

 

[fat wee robin]

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and have two children that are under 7. My husband has been telling me lately he feels unappreciated and lonely but I don’t seem to understand why he feels this way. He has recently started being different after a lot of financial problems we were having. He is now working over 40 hours a week and comes home late so there isn’t really time to spend together except the weekends in the evenings after he gets off work. I try and talk to him but all he seems to be worried about is problems at his job (which I tell him to not worry about his job at home and just focus on enjoying time with us) and more than half of the time we end up arguing about pointless things, which make our moods bad. I also work full time and attend school in the evenings. He says that he feels unappreciated, but I just can’t seem to understand why? I’m telling him to get another job that can pay him a little more and not require him to work almost every day so he can be less stressed and our financial situation would be better, but he sees how he can get promoted at his current job and doesn’t want to leave or apply for other jobs. I, in no way, ever tell him to make more money or tell him he needs to work more, in fact I tell him that I am proud of him and how much he’s changed and how happy I am to see that he hasn’t drank alcohol (he was an alcoholic) and how I am so happy that he is trying to get closer to God and going with me and the kids to bible study and church. I show him affection as much as I can, but I guess that’s not enough for him. I have asked him what it is that I have to do to make him feel appreciated but he never gives me an answer.There are times where I want to talk to him about his feelings and he just gets emotional and cries (not saying crying is bad) and we can't seem to talk or resolve anything. I sometimes get frustrated because I feel as though he is making himself fell that way and bringing himself down because i just can't seem to understand how he fells lonely or unappreciated. I don’t know how to explain it but I just feel like I don’t know him anymore because he was never like this before, its like he is another person. I just don’t know what to do so he can feel appreciated and not feel lonely.

Why are you working full time when your children are so young ,and also going to classes ? Goodness me you have to decide what you want at least for the next years until your children are more independent . It is not your husbands problem , it is your problem .You have no time for your husband or your marriage and you will destroy both .Your children will never be young again, and you will probably live long enough to regret not taking time off to be with them during their infant years, which will never be
recovered ever .

 

[John Robie]

He needs to man up. He's very self-centered and has made this all about him. I work far more hours than he does so that I can provide physically. But when I'm home, I'm responsible to provide emotionally and spiritually. That is what we are called to do.

Yes, I have the occasional pity party. The flesh wants to sit on the couch and watch football on the weekends. But then I put a gospel focus on it and remember that Christ sacrificed for me and I need to sacrifice for them.

 

[Odetta]

Wow, so those last two posts went from blaming the wife/mother for doing too much, to blaming the husband/father for doing too little. Not sure I'd see either as helpful, but that's me.

Y'all have a lot of stress in your lives with jobs, school, family, finances, etc. Your husband sounds very stressed and unfulfilled and overwhelmed are even perhaps depressed by it all. It may be that he feels unappreciated at work so much that you would have to jump through mega hoops to make up for it, which is really just a bandaid on the root problem. There is only so much that you can do. Helping him get to and addressing the root problem would be more beneficial, I would think. If he is unable to even articulate what he needs from you when you ask, he may need professional help to help him figure that out. And of course, pray for God's revelation on the matter. God is perfectly capable of revealing to you what you can do to help your husband. Maybe what he reveals is that it's not just you that needs to help him.

Anyway, just some thoughts.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I have a disability. I'm unable to work at a job away from home, and I am also unable to do many of the heavier household chores. I do what I can. My daughter (age nearly 30) and my nephew (almost 21) also live with us. Nephew is in college. Daughter has an income, pays rent, and does a big percentage of the housework.

And even though he knows we're doing our best, my husband will still grouse, "I have to do everything around here." Sometimes it's not about others and what they can do differently. Sometimes people just feel that way and will make statements like that when they are under stress. We can't do anything other than our best.

 

[akmom]

It's would be impossible for us to know exactly what your husband is feeling based on your post, but one thing that struck me was that he tries to talk about his day when he gets off work, and you tell him "not to worry about his job at home."

I know you probably think it is helpful NOT to think about stressful topics when you don't have to, but the fact is, many people find it cathartic to talk about them. Not to mention, it is the most natural thing in the world to talk about how your day went! It would be extremely frustrating to me, personally, if I came home and wanted to talk about what was on my mind, and my husband didn't want to hear it. Same for him. It's part of being a wife, to support your husband by listening to his frustrations. He needs you to listen to him, understand his troubles, and let him know that you empathize with him in his struggles. He needs that more than he needs you to try to "fix" it (by suggesting other jobs, etc.). That is what I think he means by appreciating him more.