A man being attracted to heroism in women: Godly, or ungodly?

[TheRisingSun]

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." -John 15:13, New International Version


This verse is more or less the subject of my inquiry, and from complementarians and egalitarians alike, I'd like some counsel. Recently, I've realized that before I am ready to date and marry, I have things about myself to work on--lust, selfishness, trusting God--and I need to grow spiritually and emotionally, to bond with fellow Christians. I'm a degenerate, and I am spiritually immature and detached from people.


Here's what I've been wondering about. See, something you need to know about me is, I am by NO means a masculine man; I'm more like Jacob than Esau. I've vented about how "masculine" (from a worldly perspective) qualities in women are more attractive to me than femininity--by a margin as wide as a Megalodon's mouth. And one of these "masculine" traits that win me over is heroism.


To me as a man, there are few things more unattractive than a damsel in distress. It's not in Proverbs 31, but I revere character traits such as protectiveness--a drive and ability to protect others to defend others from harm. A woman who's willing to risk her life and limb, who's willing to sacrifice her life to save others? That takes my breath away. And no, I'm not just saying like a lifeguard or a fireman. I also mean protecting through violence; Being willing and able to fight and kill on behalf of others. In fact, you know how some people say certain jobs make someone attractive? For me, those jobs are cops, serving in combat, and SWAT officers. In my eyes, a homemaker isn't wife material; a heroine is. A warrior is. A defender is.


You know how Disney has made princess movies based on myths--and in the case of Pocahontas, a real person? Well, if Disney made one based on Khutulun (the great-granddaughter of Genghis Khan, and a general, huntress, and wrestler who won 10,000 horses by defeating 100 men), Joan of Arc, or the Greek heroine Atalanta, I would have loved it when I was younger.


Now admittedly, part of the reason is because of my own flaws. I'm sorely lacking in bravery and courage, and I'm physically weak as well. So in my mind, I need someone who has the emotional strength to act in spite of fear, and the physical strength to save others (of course, being armed can help). I can't slay the dragon, so I (currently) need her to do the slaying. But how am I supposed to love my future wife as Christ loves the church if she's better at being a protector than me? How am I supposed to fulfill that husbandly role if my spouse is the crusader?


Is this ungodly, or am I worrying over something that isn't a big deal in the eyes of the LORD? Should I simply accept this, or should I strive to be that strong, courageous protector?

 

[angelsaroundme]

I've heard there is an increase in older women dating younger men. This is not inherently bad or good, but it should be noted Hollywood has started to push this, with The Idea Of You (Anne Hathaway's character is meant to be 40, Hayes is 24) and A Family Affair (Nicole Kidman and Zac Efron). There are older movies that did it too, but they were more like dramas than straight forward romances as the new ones are.

I expect we'll see more of this as they continue to normalize age gap relationships with older women and younger men. If you were to date an older woman, I'm talking at least five years older, it's more likely she wouldn't mind taking the lead in the relationship.

Perhaps you will start to gain self-confidence when you are in a relationship regardless. It sounds like you have issues with self-esteem.

 

[timewerx]

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." -John 15:13, New International Version


This verse is more or less the subject of my inquiry, and from complementarians and egalitarians alike, I'd like some counsel. Recently, I've realized that before I am ready to date and marry, I have things about myself to work on--lust, selfishness, trusting God--and I need to grow spiritually and emotionally, to bond with fellow Christians. I'm a degenerate, and I am spiritually immature and detached from people.


Here's what I've been wondering about. See, something you need to know about me is, I am by NO means a masculine man; I'm more like Jacob than Esau. I've vented about how "masculine" (from a worldly perspective) qualities in women are more attractive to me than femininity--by a margin as wide as a Megalodon's mouth. And one of these "masculine" traits that win me over is heroism.


To me as a man, there are few things more unattractive than a damsel in distress. It's not in Proverbs 31, but I revere character traits such as protectiveness--a drive and ability to protect others to defend others from harm. A woman who's willing to risk her life and limb, who's willing to sacrifice her life to save others? That takes my breath away. And no, I'm not just saying like a lifeguard or a fireman. I also mean protecting through violence; Being willing and able to fight and kill on behalf of others. In fact, you know how some people say certain jobs make someone attractive? For me, those jobs are cops, serving in combat, and SWAT officers. In my eyes, a homemaker isn't wife material; a heroine is. A warrior is. A defender is.


You know how Disney has made princess movies based on myths--and in the case of Pocahontas, a real person? Well, if Disney made one based on Khutulun (the great-granddaughter of Genghis Khan, and a general, huntress, and wrestler who won 10,000 horses by defeating 100 men), Joan of Arc, or the Greek heroine Atalanta, I would have loved it when I was younger.


Now admittedly, part of the reason is because of my own flaws. I'm sorely lacking in bravery and courage, and I'm physically weak as well. So in my mind, I need someone who has the emotional strength to act in spite of fear, and the physical strength to save others (of course, being armed can help). I can't slay the dragon, so I (currently) need her to do the slaying. But how am I supposed to love my future wife as Christ loves the church if she's better at being a protector than me? How am I supposed to fulfill that husbandly role if my spouse is the crusader?


Is this ungodly, or am I worrying over something that isn't a big deal in the eyes of the LORD? Should I simply accept this, or should I strive to be that strong, courageous protector?

You're looking for a bodyguard.

There's nothing wrong with the type of woman you're looking for.

What's wrong mostly is you're not willing to become like the woman you're looking for. The setup you're looking for may not last. She might get bored and even annoyed of you and end up finding someone else more like her.

I can tell you how the woman of your dream thinks and to be brutally honest, she's going to be far more attracted to someone more like her.

As they say "opposites attract" but reality is that it can't be entirely opposite. People are still attracted to another whose core values and things they are passionate about are the same. Other things can be opposite like sense of humor, sports teams they like, the little things. But core values and passions have to at least be the same in order for a relationship to last.

 

[TheRisingSun]

I've heard there is an increase in older women dating younger men. This is not inherently bad or good, but it should be noted Hollywood has started to push this, with The Idea Of You (Anne Hathaway's character is meant to be 40, Hayes is 24) and A Family Affair (Nicole Kidman and Zac Efron). There are older movies that did it too, but they were more like dramas than straight forward romances as the new ones are.

I expect we'll see more of this as they continue to normalize age gap relationships with older women and younger men. If you were to date an older woman, I'm talking at least five years older, it's more likely she wouldn't mind taking the lead in the relationship.

Perhaps you will start to gain self-confidence when you are in a relationship regardless. It sounds like you have issues with self-esteem.

Why would you think this is due to lack of confidence?

 

[angelsaroundme]

Why would you think this is due to lack of confidence?

You said, "Now admittedly, part of the reason is because of my own flaws. I'm sorely lacking in bravery and courage, and I'm physically weak as well... I can't slay the dragon..." Normally a guy wouldn't say this if they were confident. Also, making threads worrying about if you could be a good boyfriend or the right kind of boyfriend suggests it too.

It could be relationship insecurity as well. You might think a relationship where the woman leads is more likely to last. Because if she is making the decisions, you can't be blamed if things go south. It's like when someone else chooses the restaurant. If the food isn't good, they can't say it's your fault for picking that place. Similarly, wanting a woman that will sacrifice her life for you, could indicate a desire for consistent gestures of her continuing affections. This is very understandable with the media pushing the idea that there are few worthwhile men. It can cause someone to want it to be clear that their partner is still into them.

But no matter how understandable aspects of this are, confidence is still considered attractive to women. Even a woman who wants to lead will probably expect you to demonstrate confidence in other ways, like how you carry yourself, how you talk to her, etc. She would likely want you to appear strong and be able to lean on you with her problems, even if she is the "rock" of the relationship.

 

[timewerx]

But no matter how understandable aspects of this are, confidence is still considered attractive to women. Even a woman who wants to lead will probably expect you to demonstrate confidence in other ways, like how you carry yourself, how you talk to her, etc. She would likely want you to appear strong and be able to lean on you with her problems, even if she is the "rock" of the relationship.

I agree completely, even the strongest woman can't be strong all the time in every situation.

The problem I see with OP are his concerns with his own weaknesses only but not possibly meeting his future partner's possible weaknesses.

What's so important in relationships, even friendships is they will run to your aid in your distress and I'm not just talking about things like computer problems. Those are just little problems. Problems like taking her parents in to live with you because they lose their house in a wildfire or even possibly helping them evacuate ahead of a fast approaching wildfire at risk to your own life.

Family life can be tough. You really have to toughen yourself up if you're looking to be in a relationship and making that relationship work and last not just with "wonder women" but with all other kinds of women.

Imagine a situation where her family or your family is in distress, she asks for your help and you did nothing because you allowed your weakness and fear to rule you and you give up without even trying. It's not going to look good. Very likely, she will leave you and for a good reason.