A man being attracted to heroism in women: Godly, or ungodly?

[TheRisingSun]

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." -John 15:13, New International Version


This verse is more or less the subject of my inquiry, and from complementarians and egalitarians alike, I'd like some counsel. Recently, I've realized that before I am ready to date and marry, I have things about myself to work on--lust, selfishness, trusting God--and I need to grow spiritually and emotionally, to bond with fellow Christians. I'm a degenerate, and I am spiritually immature and detached from people.


Here's what I've been wondering about. See, something you need to know about me is, I am by NO means a masculine man; I'm more like Jacob than Esau. I've vented about how "masculine" (from a worldly perspective) qualities in women are more attractive to me than femininity--by a margin as wide as a Megalodon's mouth. And one of these "masculine" traits that win me over is heroism.


To me as a man, there are few things more unattractive than a damsel in distress. It's not in Proverbs 31, but I revere character traits such as protectiveness--a drive and ability to protect others to defend others from harm. A woman who's willing to risk her life and limb, who's willing to sacrifice her life to save others? That takes my breath away. And no, I'm not just saying like a lifeguard or a fireman. I also mean protecting through violence; Being willing and able to fight and kill on behalf of others. In fact, you know how some people say certain jobs make someone attractive? For me, those jobs are cops, serving in combat, and SWAT officers. In my eyes, a homemaker isn't wife material; a heroine is. A warrior is. A defender is.


You know how Disney has made princess movies based on myths--and in the case of Pocahontas, a real person? Well, if Disney made one based on Khutulun (the great-granddaughter of Genghis Khan, and a general, huntress, and wrestler who won 10,000 horses by defeating 100 men), Joan of Arc, or the Greek heroine Atalanta, I would have loved it when I was younger.


Now admittedly, part of the reason is because of my own flaws. I'm sorely lacking in bravery and courage, and I'm physically weak as well. So in my mind, I need someone who has the emotional strength to act in spite of fear, and the physical strength to save others (of course, being armed can help). I can't slay the dragon, so I (currently) need her to do the slaying. But how am I supposed to love my future wife as Christ loves the church if she's better at being a protector than me? How am I supposed to fulfill that husbandly role if my spouse is the crusader?


Is this ungodly, or am I worrying over something that isn't a big deal in the eyes of the LORD? Should I simply accept this, or should I strive to be that strong, courageous protector?

 

[angelsaroundme]

I've heard there is an increase in older women dating younger men. This is not inherently bad or good, but it should be noted Hollywood has started to push this, with The Idea Of You (Anne Hathaway's character is meant to be 40, Hayes is 24) and A Family Affair (Nicole Kidman and Zac Efron). There are older movies that did it too, but they were more like dramas than straight forward romances as the new ones are.

I expect we'll see more of this as they continue to normalize age gap relationships with older women and younger men. If you were to date an older woman, I'm talking at least five years older, it's more likely she wouldn't mind taking the lead in the relationship.

Perhaps you will start to gain self-confidence when you are in a relationship regardless. It sounds like you have issues with self-esteem.

 

[timewerx]

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." -John 15:13, New International Version


This verse is more or less the subject of my inquiry, and from complementarians and egalitarians alike, I'd like some counsel. Recently, I've realized that before I am ready to date and marry, I have things about myself to work on--lust, selfishness, trusting God--and I need to grow spiritually and emotionally, to bond with fellow Christians. I'm a degenerate, and I am spiritually immature and detached from people.


Here's what I've been wondering about. See, something you need to know about me is, I am by NO means a masculine man; I'm more like Jacob than Esau. I've vented about how "masculine" (from a worldly perspective) qualities in women are more attractive to me than femininity--by a margin as wide as a Megalodon's mouth. And one of these "masculine" traits that win me over is heroism.


To me as a man, there are few things more unattractive than a damsel in distress. It's not in Proverbs 31, but I revere character traits such as protectiveness--a drive and ability to protect others to defend others from harm. A woman who's willing to risk her life and limb, who's willing to sacrifice her life to save others? That takes my breath away. And no, I'm not just saying like a lifeguard or a fireman. I also mean protecting through violence; Being willing and able to fight and kill on behalf of others. In fact, you know how some people say certain jobs make someone attractive? For me, those jobs are cops, serving in combat, and SWAT officers. In my eyes, a homemaker isn't wife material; a heroine is. A warrior is. A defender is.


You know how Disney has made princess movies based on myths--and in the case of Pocahontas, a real person? Well, if Disney made one based on Khutulun (the great-granddaughter of Genghis Khan, and a general, huntress, and wrestler who won 10,000 horses by defeating 100 men), Joan of Arc, or the Greek heroine Atalanta, I would have loved it when I was younger.


Now admittedly, part of the reason is because of my own flaws. I'm sorely lacking in bravery and courage, and I'm physically weak as well. So in my mind, I need someone who has the emotional strength to act in spite of fear, and the physical strength to save others (of course, being armed can help). I can't slay the dragon, so I (currently) need her to do the slaying. But how am I supposed to love my future wife as Christ loves the church if she's better at being a protector than me? How am I supposed to fulfill that husbandly role if my spouse is the crusader?


Is this ungodly, or am I worrying over something that isn't a big deal in the eyes of the LORD? Should I simply accept this, or should I strive to be that strong, courageous protector?

You're looking for a bodyguard.

There's nothing wrong with the type of woman you're looking for.

What's wrong mostly is you're not willing to become like the woman you're looking for. The setup you're looking for may not last. She might get bored and even annoyed of you and end up finding someone else more like her.

I can tell you how the woman of your dream thinks and to be brutally honest, she's going to be far more attracted to someone more like her.

As they say "opposites attract" but reality is that it can't be entirely opposite. People are still attracted to another whose core values and things they are passionate about are the same. Other things can be opposite like sense of humor, sports teams they like, the little things. But core values and passions have to at least be the same in order for a relationship to last.

 

[TheRisingSun]

I've heard there is an increase in older women dating younger men. This is not inherently bad or good, but it should be noted Hollywood has started to push this, with The Idea Of You (Anne Hathaway's character is meant to be 40, Hayes is 24) and A Family Affair (Nicole Kidman and Zac Efron). There are older movies that did it too, but they were more like dramas than straight forward romances as the new ones are.

I expect we'll see more of this as they continue to normalize age gap relationships with older women and younger men. If you were to date an older woman, I'm talking at least five years older, it's more likely she wouldn't mind taking the lead in the relationship.

Perhaps you will start to gain self-confidence when you are in a relationship regardless. It sounds like you have issues with self-esteem.

Why would you think this is due to lack of confidence?

 

[angelsaroundme]

Why would you think this is due to lack of confidence?

You said, "Now admittedly, part of the reason is because of my own flaws. I'm sorely lacking in bravery and courage, and I'm physically weak as well... I can't slay the dragon..." Normally a guy wouldn't say this if they were confident. Also, making threads worrying about if you could be a good boyfriend or the right kind of boyfriend suggests it too.

It could be relationship insecurity as well. You might think a relationship where the woman leads is more likely to last. Because if she is making the decisions, you can't be blamed if things go south. It's like when someone else chooses the restaurant. If the food isn't good, they can't say it's your fault for picking that place. Similarly, wanting a woman that will sacrifice her life for you, could indicate a desire for consistent gestures of her continuing affections. This is very understandable with the media pushing the idea that there are few worthwhile men. It can cause someone to want it to be clear that their partner is still into them.

But no matter how understandable aspects of this are, confidence is still considered attractive to women. Even a woman who wants to lead will probably expect you to demonstrate confidence in other ways, like how you carry yourself, how you talk to her, etc. She would likely want you to appear strong and be able to lean on you with her problems, even if she is the "rock" of the relationship.

 

[timewerx]

But no matter how understandable aspects of this are, confidence is still considered attractive to women. Even a woman who wants to lead will probably expect you to demonstrate confidence in other ways, like how you carry yourself, how you talk to her, etc. She would likely want you to appear strong and be able to lean on you with her problems, even if she is the "rock" of the relationship.

I agree completely, even the strongest woman can't be strong all the time in every situation.

The problem I see with OP are his concerns with his own weaknesses only but not possibly meeting his future partner's possible weaknesses.

What's so important in relationships, even friendships is they will run to your aid in your distress and I'm not just talking about things like computer problems. Those are just little problems. Problems like taking her parents in to live with you because they lose their house in a wildfire or even possibly helping them evacuate ahead of a fast approaching wildfire at risk to your own life.

Family life can be tough. You really have to toughen yourself up if you're looking to be in a relationship and making that relationship work and last not just with "wonder women" but with all other kinds of women.

Imagine a situation where her family or your family is in distress, she asks for your help and you did nothing because you allowed your weakness and fear to rule you and you give up without even trying. It's not going to look good. Very likely, she will leave you and for a good reason.

 

[DragonFox91]

You protect her in other ways. No one is perfect. She will have weaknesses too. Perhaps she isn’t as strong spiritually for example. She may need to cling to you for that. The dragon isn’t always a threat physically. Maybe you have finances & she doesn’t. Maybe you have a knowledge she doesn't or other resources. She will find something she’s lacking & you have it & that will be attractive to her. You will be the hero that way. The Lord knows what you will need & what she will need.

Human marriage mirrors Christ's covenant love b/c of faithfulness

& remember Biblical marriage & Biblical gender roles aren’t the same as traditional gender roles.

 

[timewerx]

You protect her in other ways. No one is perfect. She will have weaknesses too. Perhaps she isn’t as strong spiritually for example. She may need to cling to you for that. The dragon isn’t always a threat physically. Maybe you have finances & she doesn’t. Maybe you have a knowledge she doesn't or other resources. She will find something she’s lacking & you have it & that will be attractive to her. You will be the hero that way. The Lord knows what you will need & what she will need.

Human marriage mirrors Christ's covenant love b/c of faithfulness

& remember Biblical marriage & Biblical gender roles aren’t the same as traditional gender roles.

Having kids in the equation changes the game entirely.

Both parents are required to have heroic reflexes and willpower.

I don't think I have to teach this. You'll be called to be one when you become responsible for little children.

 

[Sketcher]

You know how Disney has made princess movies based on myths--and in the case of Pocahontas, a real person? Well, if Disney made one based on Khutulun (the great-granddaughter of Genghis Khan, and a general, huntress, and wrestler who won 10,000 horses by defeating 100 men), Joan of Arc, or the Greek heroine Atalanta, I would have loved it when I was younger.

So, I'm not like this. But, if I'm not around and something happens, I would want my wife to step up and protect the kids. I would not want to foist this scenario on her, but a mother should do what it takes to do that if the need comes. I'm going to be the first line of defense. And any people with bad intentions would assume that to be the case even if I were to abdicate that responsibility - they're probably going to come for me first, or try to get me out of the way first before either me or her knows what's happening. In other words, me being the first line of defense isn't really a choice that I necessarily will always have, so I'd better be a good-enough one. Which brings me to this:

Now admittedly, part of the reason is because of my own flaws. I'm sorely lacking in bravery and courage, and I'm physically weak as well. So in my mind, I need someone who has the emotional strength to act in spite of fear, and the physical strength to save others (of course, being armed can help). I can't slay the dragon, so I (currently) need her to do the slaying. But how am I supposed to love my future wife as Christ loves the church if she's better at being a protector than me? How am I supposed to fulfill that husbandly role if my spouse is the crusader?


Is this ungodly, or am I worrying over something that isn't a big deal in the eyes of the LORD? Should I simply accept this, or should I strive to be that strong, courageous protector?

You need to grow in this and do your best. Just like I would expect a traditional woman to save her baby from a fire, or to come between her children and a stranger, that's not her primary role but she needs to have some kind of competence. I may not expect superhero level stuff but she's got to be more than just helpless. Similarly, if she were hyper-competent in the protector role herself, she would likely expect some kind of effort from you. (And this sets aside the tendency for rough-and-tumble women to go for rough-and-tumble men. Who do a lot of top-level female MMA fighters tend to be involved with? Other fighters and athletes.)

 

[timewerx]

But, if I'm not around and something happens, I would want my wife to step up and protect the kids.

Exactly my point.

Things go wrong in the worst possible moment. Even the most heroic stay-at-home-mom won't be around 24/7 to keep an eye on the kids. Both parents must step up to protect their children.

And I'm not even talking about protecting them from evil people yet. Even in a 100% crime-free neighborhood, danger always lurks for the little ones. Accidents happen all the time but fortunately, most of them are preventable or mitigable with good sense, quick and calm thinking, and a bit of courage.

Similarly, if she were hyper-competent in the protector role herself, she would likely expect some kind of effort from you.

She might tolerate someone who is her opposite. Like someone who completely lacks courage. She might even treat it as a project trying to change her man.

But when the situation comes you need to spring into action and she's not around because she went to her parents or had surgery or for whatever good reason but you did nothing. She comes home to find out about the accident you could have prevented with just a little bit of courage, she'd probably hate you for life and even divorce you right there.

The setup might work if you never intend to have children.

 

[GospelS]

We are made in His Image. He is The Lion and The Lamb.

The Lord Our God Jesus Christ whom you love IS that Hero in women.

How can you not be attracted to Him who lives inside her?

But there are fallen angels disguised as angels of light, born of the devil.

So, discern whether her masculinity is of the Christ or the Anti-Christ in her.

You want to learn and grow. That is good. Trust in Him. The Lord is able.

Enjoy.

 

[GospelS]

Then the LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain before the LORD. Behold, the LORD is about to pass by.”
And a great and mighty wind tore into the mountains and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind.
After the wind, there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake.
After the earthquake, there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire.
And after the fire came a still, small voice.
When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.
Suddenly, a voice came to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” 1 Kings 19

What if the Lord is not there in all her heroism?

 

[GospelS]

Now admittedly, part of the reason is because of my own flaws. I'm sorely lacking in bravery and courage, and I'm physically weak as well.

It is wisdom that is essential for facing or surviving a fight. You need to focus on the feminine aspect that drives the masculine force of strength to discern the truth. It could be a Deborah or a Jezebel.

It takes bravery and courage to speak the truth, especially when it comes to saving lives and confronting the enemy. Physical confrontations are not always a true indication of strength; often, quietness and kindness can be more powerful in saving lives and overcoming adversaries.

So in my mind, I need someone who has the emotional strength to act in spite of fear, and the physical strength to save others (of course, being armed can help).

Emotional and physical intelligence are more significant than emotional and physical strength. Those serving in combat, as well as SWAT officers, utilize their intelligence on the job before resorting to physical force.

I can't slay the dragon, so I (currently) need her to do the slaying.

I hope no one needs to physically confront dragons every other day; we can overcome them with our words and prayers. The true goal should be to love our enemies and make every effort to save them- that is real heroism.

If she is being unwise and getting violent, you would even hate it as it makes life miserable for you both. To see your woman fight like that when not required is dangerous. If you want it just because that satisfies your attraction, then it's ungodly.

 

[timewerx]

It is wisdom that is essential for facing or surviving a fight. You need to focus on the feminine aspect that drives the masculine force of strength to discern the truth. It could be a Deborah or a Jezebel.

It takes bravery and courage to speak the truth, especially when it comes to saving lives and confronting the enemy. Physical confrontations are not always a true indication of strength; often, quietness and kindness can be more powerful in saving lives and overcoming adversaries.


Emotional and physical intelligence are more significant than emotional and physical strength. Those serving in combat, as well as SWAT officers, utilize their intelligence on the job before resorting to physical force.


I hope no one needs to physically confront dragons every other day; we can overcome them with our words and prayers. The true goal should be to love our enemies and make every effort to save them- that is real heroism.

If she is being unwise and getting violent, you would even hate it as it makes life miserable for you both. To see your woman fight like that when not required is dangerous. If you want it just because that satisfies your attraction, then it's ungodly.

The OP's problem is he can't save his children in simpler situations like being chased by a dangerous dog breed, accidentally crossed the road with a car passing by, trapped inside a burning vehicle, and other similar situations.

I honestly never heard even from the most cowardly parents they wouldn't try to save their children in dangerous situations themselves even if they have already called 911.

The OP's problem is both a spiritual and character problem. It could be non-issue if he never intend to have children but I think he wanted to have children as well.

 

[GospelS]

I honestly never heard even from the most cowardly parents they wouldn't try to save their children in dangerous situations themselves even if they have already called 911.

I did not say that either. Wisdom and prayers are fundamental to every situation.

 

[GospelS]

The OP's problem is he can't save his children in simpler situations like being chased by a dangerous dog breed, accidentally crossed the road with a car passing by, trapped inside a burning vehicle, and other similar situations.

The Lord knows better than what OP knows about himself, the women, and his future.

 

[GospelS]

Is this ungodly, or am I worrying over something that isn't a big deal in the eyes of the LORD? Should I simply accept this, or should I strive to be that strong, courageous protector?

Your attraction to her outward display of strength shouldn't overshadow her inner qualities. True power should be grounded in love and righteousness. Instead, focus on the greater traits, such as wisdom and kindness. A woman who lacks these qualities can ultimately harm those around her for no reason or purpose, even herself and her own.

Marriage and motherhood bring significant changes. She may not be who you thought she was before. A damsel in distress can fight like a hero once she has children and a fighter woman can become demure. So don't be deceived by what attracts you on the outward. Think of the real everyday situations at your hand before those that are outside your control.

Which comes first, preventing bad situations and saving lives through escape or showing strength through fighting and killing? You need a peaceful, loving home that can keep everyone safe. What if she can fight the world but can't provide safety at home?

A fighting spirit can be more damaging than helpful in certain situations. While saving His people, the Lord also made a provision for the salvation of all creation. True strength and the essence of the fight are exemplified on the cross of Calvary. Don't overlook the beauty in this while concentrating on the type of struggle that appeals to you. Then she will have to fight you to save others.

 

[timewerx]

The Lord knows better than what OP knows about himself, the women, and his future.

The OP's strong faith that he is physically weak and fearful could undermine any potential he possesses.

Excessive fearfulness will strongly manifest spiritually as well and is a problem that needs to be corrected.

Trials and difficulties builds endurance and faith. Back then (over 2000 years ago in context) it could have been quite physical in nature. The disciples of Christ although weak in the world are physically strong. Christ Himself is physically strong.

Jesus fasted often (not just the 40 day fast) and also climbed a high mountain often. Put the two together and we're talking of an activity that can kill many 21st century adult if they tried to do the same thing.

Back then, only the rich are overweight and weak. They had slaves to do all the manual labor for them and ate plenty. The Lord doesn't want His followers in such condition. You can be rich but not be like the rich people who are "perishing".

 

[GospelS]

I'm more like Jacob than Esau.

Jacob is the one who fights both God and men and prevails. That exemplifies true masculinity. Esau's strength is devoid of wisdom, which renders him a loser rather than a warrior. He is not the chosen soldier to confront the great challenges in God's Kingdom. Isaac, his father, admired this aspect because Esau hunted animals. However, such strength is not valuable for sustaining a marriage.

 

[GospelS]

The OP's strong faith that he is physically weak and fearful could undermine any potential he possesses.

Excessive fearfulness will strongly manifest spiritually as well and is a problem that needs to be corrected.

Trials and difficulties builds endurance and faith. Back then (over 2000 years ago in context) it could have been quite physical in nature. The disciples of Christ although weak in the world are physically strong. Christ Himself is physically strong.

Jesus fasted often (not just the 40 day fast) and also climbed a high mountain often. Put the two together and we're talking of an activity that can kill many 21st century adult if they tried to do the same thing.

Back then, only the rich are overweight and weak. They had slaves to do all the manual labor for them and ate plenty. The Lord doesn't want His followers in such condition. You can be rich but not be like the rich people who are "perishing".

Again, we don't have to tell the Lord what OP's problem or belief is and is not.