I desire to help people who are overweight because of the way its lead me to self harm for many years, although ive since built alot of muscle. I am still disgusted with myself, and find the biggest issue is no longer desiring to hurt others more than help them, but instead i can't stop hurting myself. We just started therapy, and all this anger feels hopeless to get rid of. I want to be a good person but the demons continue to try to pull me down and make me like them. Some days they win partially and make me screw up <Staff Edit> regardless of how much i don't want them around, others they fail. Il then have a meltdown and leave marks all over my body with fists, knives etc.. I remember how bitter my dad was about it when i gained weight growing up even though it wasn't because of my own doing and it was a side effect of the meds i was on, just like the involuntary muscle spasms. He was extra hard on me about both of the symptoms. He used to make fun of them any way he could physically and verbally and mock my muscle spasms. I remember when i finally decided to do something about it i would constantly feel worthless, and spend hours in front of the mirror self harming, body shaming myself and feeling hopeless. That went on for 4 years that it took for me to change my physique at the gym, which im still trying to finish, and the decade before that i spent where i wasnt overweight the entire time, but shirtless you could tell i had more fat than muscle. The thing that used to bother me the most was that i hadnt even brought any of that stuff on myself. The physical abuse/ptsd/manic depression that was taking place before it was the reason my parents took me to counseling but my father tried to hide the abuse and the psychiatrist misdiagnosed me with schizophrenia. In other words, none of it ever would have happened if i hadnt trusted the wrong people. He even admitted he was wrong. It really made me full of resent for years but now i desire to let go of every last bit of anger. As for my father we haven't seen each other for almost 3 years. I talked to him briefly the other day but due to his unwillingness to change, I think its best to keep ourselves apart in life on earth. I am trying really hard to forgive him through counseling. I see the world as perfectly fair now, because giving everyone free will is the only way to make things even when were alive. I respect my old psychiatrists right to free will as well as my fathers, and if i am able to enter gods kingdom and see them there because they choose to repent before death i would love to get to the point in counseling where i could welcome them as family.
