30's and 40's and have never dated

[Katnansis]

Hi everyone,
I've been doing some thinking about this question I came across at a singles forum on another website. The poster was concerned about singles in their 30's and 40's who had never dated yet really desired to be married. She was was wondering how they would ever get married without any 'contact with the opposite sex'. I think she meant contact in the form of dating.

I don't know how many folks at this site that fall into this category, but what would your response be to this type of question?

Is there anyone here who have dated ever wondered about those of us who haven't, and whether we'll ever marry in light of our lack of experience with the opposite sex?

Anyone know of someone in this boat who actually got married?

What are your thoughts?

 

[nb37]

Hmmm, I have never dated, and I am in my late 30's. I do believe that I will get married, because I believe that if God has someone for you He will put you two together. I haven't dated because there really aren't that many guys in church. Since I am not about to be unequally yoked I don't have much to choose from. The few men that are in church are usually married and if not married, they are effiminate, or teenagers! I truly have stopped putting a lot of stress on myself about it. It has been hard and dissappointing but I have to believe that if God has someone for me, He knows how to put me together with him. I don't know what to say to others in this situation but I know what works for me and that is to put it all in God's hands.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I had never considered this until I started dating a 45 yr old Christian virgin about 1.5 years ago. We met on eharmony and it seemed like a God thing. We got serious fast-sharing deeply and even starting pre-marital classes to see if we were compatible. We were courting with the intent of getting married. Our first kiss was supposed to occur after we completed classes. I did have some concerns about him being affectionate enough, but I was content to wait because it was a God thing.

I was devastated when he broke up with me after I shared something about my past that I had no control over. I found out from him that he has never been in love and I was the most serious relationship he has ever been in. He started dating someone last summer and quickly started the same pre-marital classes with her. We aren't talking anymore so I don't know how that's going. I honestly don't think he had ever kissed a woman on the lips either. He was a teased nerd in high school and seems to still be suffering over his parents' divorce.

This guy immediately came to mind when I was reading a book lately that talked about emotionally unavailable people. He may end up getting married, but how will his marriage be? I urged him to talk to a counselor, but his response was that he wasn't sure how to go about it.

One of my "friends" is 47 and has never been married. He is not close with his family-another divorce and division between siblings. He was engaged about 10 years ago, but I'm keeping my eyes open with this guy.

For those out there who do want to get married I recommend How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. Unless you're hoping to marry the FedEx guy, you may have to take some action and use the resources that are available. This is not about a lack of faith in God. God does not expect us to sit on our rears. We can't witness like that very well either; otherwise there wouldn't be missionaries in other countries.

 

[christcentered]

Bingo on the emotional un-availability. Great post.

When you encounter a person that recently came to Christ, you just met a "baby" in their faith. They probably don't know a whole lot about their relationship with Christ because it just began. Could be that they're 20yo, 35yo, 45 yo at that point in time.....but the fact is that they're infants in that relational context. At that stage it's different for everyone & the learning curve varies. However, I've seen in others and know from my own life that it takes time to learn how to communicate from the heart and also how to listen to Him.

Same goes for parenting. You learn as you go + have a base of life experience to build upon. We're not born into being fantastic parents.

In my opinion, same goes for man-woman relationships. I want somebody who knows what she wants. A woman that knows good from bad and not only wants but can accept the good. And how does that happen? For most of us, it's life experience. We're brought along & that does involve some pain and what we might consider "bad" experiences. I've had my share. Sometimes blessings are hard to see. It all prepares us, builds us, and gives us what we need though. Some people wear it well and are able to learn & grow. Some people are hindered so much they can't move forward.

For the fortunate few, they are blessed with marrying the first person they date and they go on to have a fulfilling, wonderful life together. That's not how it works for most of us though. And even if you are one of the fortunate few, I guarantee there's a learning curve within the marriage on many levels. It takes work. I'm not wishing hard times on anyone, but I accept the fact that life happens and it can be rough at times. I for one value a person's past & how it's gotten them to the here and now.

A person's age tells only how long they've been on the road........not how far they've gotten down it.

 

[Katnansis]

Hmmm, I have never dated, and I am in my late 30's. I do believe that I will get married, because I believe that if God has someone for you He will put you two together. I haven't dated because there really aren't that many guys in church. Since I am not about to be unequally yoked I don't have much to choose from. The few men that are in church are usually married and if not married, they are effiminate, or teenagers! I truly have stopped putting a lot of stress on myself about it. It has been hard and dissappointing but I have to believe that if God has someone for me, He knows how to put me together with him. I don't know what to say to others in this situation but I know what works for me and that is to put it all in God's hands.

You sound like me, nb37 .

My thoughts about the question was, let's not leave God out of the equation. I too am trying not to stress about it too much. It's learning to put all my feelings of rejection and loneliness in God's hands and leave it there is where the struggle is for me.

 

[Jenster]

Emotional intelligence -- that's the key to successful relationships. Some people *might* have that without benefit of any prior romantic relationships, but most people, I think, develop that skill with experience.

Of course, I know a couple who were high-school sweethearts and married after college -- so their first relationship has worked out just fine. I also know people who've had a string of "unsuccessful" (for lack of a better word) relationships and don't appear to have learned much from them.

Note: emotional intelligence here refers to both self-understanding and understanding others. One of the things that trips up a relationship frequently is the unresolved baggage each person brings, so you have to know what your hot buttons are, as well as how to deal with other people's.

I think the depth of a close relationship prepares you for other close relationships. Sometimes people can have that platonically, I suppose.

I'm worried a bit about my women friends who are in their late 30s and have never dated. It may indeed be emotional unavailability plaguing them. Or a lack of prioritizing dating. I agree with EBL, some effort must be made to meet the opposite sex and be available to get to know them. (Provided there *are* some members of the opposite sex around you!)

No matter whether you've had dating experience or not, though, the most important thing in meeting and finding a match is being able to be yourself around others. And I agree with Christcentered -- I also want to find a man who knows what he wants. If he doesn't, I would wonder if he's going to at first be excited about being in a relationship, then suddenly realize this isn't what he wants -- and dump me.

 

[Katnansis]

This guy immediately came to mind when I was reading a book lately that talked about emotionally unavailable people. He may end up getting married, but how will his marriage be?

eatenbylocusts, do you think most mature singles who've never dated tend to become emotionally unavailable over time? Is there anything you read in your book that would suggest that these singles could be candidates for this type of behavior? Or is it talking about something else entirely?

 

[Katnansis]

I'm worried a bit about my women friends who are in their late 30s and have never dated. It may indeed be emotional unavailability plaguing them. Or a lack of prioritizing dating..
I agree with EBL, some effort must be made to meet the opposite sex and be available to get to know them. (Provided there *are* some members of the opposite sex around you!)

If there's no one asking you out, after you've done all you can to let them know you're interested and available, then I think this is where God taps you on the shoulder and tells you to "be still, let Me handle it". It may be His way of preserving you from things you're not ready to deal with, even though your emotional intelligence is intact - at least from your own perspective

Maybe He wants to remind us that we can boast of nothing within ourselves when it comes to relating, experience or not. I think it's possible that He would use our everyday experiences to prepare us for a spouse. Since He alone knows what kind of spouse is best for us, I think He can tailor the craziness of our everyday lives to prepare us in ways we won't understand at this time. For a person like myself whose desire for marriage hasn't quite disappeared, this gives me hope.

 

[faithopelove]

I have a friend who is in her mid 40s. She was divorced 20 years ago and has a grown son. She married a man the same age who never married or had children. They are now struggling for the following reason (according to her):

1. He feels he'll never have children of his own. They discussed the fact that she didn't want more children, and he was okay with it, but now he's changed his mind.

2. He doesn't have any friends and gets upset when she wants to spend time with hers. He doesn't like to go anywhere outside of church.

3. He had agreed that they would combine their finances but now is reluctant even though they make about the same amount.

She feels most of this comes from a lack of emotional maturity, because he was hurt in his 20s and never recovered and moved on. I don't know but it's something to consider.

 

[Jenster]

2. He doesn't have any friends and gets upset when she wants to spend time with hers. He doesn't like to go anywhere outside of church.

Sounds like he needs to develop some friends! IMHO, it's our responsibility to form friendships, especially of our same sex, so that we might have accountability in our Christian walk.

He also seems a bit jealous and controlling ...

 

[BeautyForAshes]

I don't know how many folks at this site that fall into this category, but what would your response be to this type of question?

What are your thoughts?

I don't fall into this category and honestly, I haven't encountered anyone IRL that does. But, I would tell her that she needs to keep in mind that the "grass isn't always greener". By that I mean, although I can't truly understand how she may feel, on the flip side she has also never experienced the bad and negative feelings/emotions that come from relationships that do not work out (and the baggage that you carry with you from that). Not everyone deals with that baggage well (i'm talking along the lines of what Jenster said about having "emotional intelligence" ).

 

[nb37]

I can understand how some would maybe not understand how someone can not date and they are in their 30's, 40's. I actually know quite a few women that have had that experience. It's not as uncommon as one would think, and no we are all not emotionallly unavailable. I have had plenty of relationships with people and of course with the opposite sex also. Just no real romantic relationships. I understand that God has got me in a certain place and that is fine with me, it hasn't always been fine with me but it is getting better and better as time goes by.

 

[BeautyForAshes]

Ok i just read my earlier post and i just wanted to let people know that I didn't mean it in a "oh that's weird you're in your 30s and never dated" kind of way. I meant it in a "just look on the bright side - you've never experienced the pain of a breakup and the host of other bad/negative feelings that can come with the end of a relationship" kind of way.

I hope that makes sense. I haven't had lunch yet. LOL

 

[eatenbylocusts]

eatenbylocusts, do you think most mature singles who've never dated tend to become emotionally unavailable over time? Is there anything you read in your book that would suggest that these singles could be candidates for this type of behavior? Or is it talking about something else entirely?

I suppose there could be lots of reasons, but I believe the author was talking about people who were hurt in some way and had been avoiding relationships so there would be no further pain.

 

[OhhJim]

I would be concerned that someone like that would have some severe misconceptions about things that happen in relationships, or what the opposite sex is really like. I dated one woman who was about 30, who hadn't dated much, and she had some really "interesting" ideas about things, both good and bad. How are you going to make a good choice, without any experience?

 

[Katnansis]

I would be concerned that someone like that would have some severe misconceptions about things that happen in relationships, or what the opposite sex is really like.

OhJim, you don't think God could work within our everyday male-female relationships to help us in this area? Is an exclusive relationship the only valid training ground God uses?

I dated one woman who was about 30, who hadn't dated much, and she had some really "interesting" ideas about things, both good and bad. How are you going to make a good choice, without any experience?

I've noticed that you're being vague here, OhJim..but if it's not too personal to share, what kind of "interesting ideas" did this 30 year old have about "things"?

And as for experience, again, where does God fit into this preparation? Does it really boil down to our own expertise to make relationships work? What about those folks who regularly date, yet make the same bad choices over and over, including the one for a spouse?

 

[eatenbylocusts]

OhJim, you don't think God could work within our everyday male-female relationships to help us in this area? Is an exclusive relationship the only valid training ground God uses?



I've noticed that you're being vague here, OhJim..but if it's not too personal to share, what kind of "interesting ideas" did this 30 year old have about "things"?

And as for experience, again, where does God fit into this preparation? Does it really boil down to our own expertise to make relationships work? What about those folks who regularly date, yet make the same bad choices over and over, including the one for a spouse?

Yes, lots of dating doesn't neccesarily make a good partner. Everyone should read a few good books about the opposite sex to try to understand the common differences in relating, communicating, etc.

 

[christcentered]

OhJim, you don't think God could work within our everyday male-female relationships to help us in this area? Is an exclusive relationship the only valid training ground God uses?

And as for experience, again, where does God fit into this preparation? Does it really boil down to our own expertise to make relationships work? What about those folks who regularly date, yet make the same bad choices over and over, including the one for a spouse?

It's not our own expertise. The path we've all traveled is the way God has brought us. The way He handles it is different for everyone.

Some people are blessed with a marriage after less social interaction than others, could be someone in their 30's or 40's who has never dated. Could be people that marry as high school sweethearts. But within those marriages there will be the same relational growth curve as those who have had multiple exclusive relationships and/or marriages. In a perfect world we would all marry once, for life, and do all of our growing together within that marriage.

The big difference between our every day male/female relationships and an exclusive relationship has everything to do with intimacy, trust and committment on a much deeper level.....for a lifetime.

I think He offers us opportunities when he puts people in our lives. It's often times about choice.......which is what He often provides, just as we are given the option to choose/reject Him in our lives. Two people have to choose to be committed and devoted to one another after He has introduced you. But what does that word - committment - mean to you and require of you? That's something we all have to ask ourselves....and once we discover those things are we ready to live them?

I've trusted the Lord. I have. And I will continue to trust Him. I spent a number of years after my divorce waiting for her to be brought into my life but did nothing on my end except *wait*. I wasn't receptive. Didn't interact. Guess what? She didn't fall from the sky into my lap, LOL.

........and I'm still waiting and trusting in Him. However, I'm receptive, open, and sometimes proactive. I've met some wonderful Christian women but have not yet been blessed with someone to share a lifetime.

I don't think it's an accident that soooo many of us are separated by barriers such as distance; emotional holding cages; etc., etc. Part of the battle.

I think it's obvious how much He loves us and wants us to be happy though. So through our faith we move forward on our paths.

 

[nb37]

OhJim, you don't think God could work within our everyday male-female relationships to help us in this area? Is an exclusive relationship the only valid training ground God uses?

Katnansis, Bless you, that's how it is with me, although I have not "dated" I have friendships with the opposite sex, and I am learning things that way. So when and if God has a husband for me, I will trust God that He will help me with whatever I need help with. I know that I can call on God for every little bitty or big thing in my life. He will help me out.

 

[Katnansis]

Yes, lots of dating doesn't neccesarily make a good partner. Everyone should read a few good books about the opposite sex to try to understand the common differences in relating, communicating, etc.

I've thought about doing this, eatenbylocusts. I've been meaning to check out "Every Man's Battle" as I hear it has some good info for women. My sister found "Men are from Mars.." somewhat helpful. Of course we run the risk of reading about stereotypes and buying into these, but I think with God's wisdom we can get it straight