I was baptized while traveling abroad in Eastern Europe, but had a very short catechism and was not psychologically mature to become Orthodox. When I returned back to my home country I was not able to hold on to the faith and converted to Islam (because of my weak spot for Sufism). But this was also a premature decision, so I'm now hovering between worlds and am spiritually confused. One side of my family is also from a Muslim culture, so I have always been psychologically stuck between these religions. Now I'm missing Orthodoxy and feel like I have been unfaithful to the church I fell in love with. I'm quite mentally unstable and oscillate between identities, lacking a stable center of Self.
Would appreciate your thoughts and advice..
I will respectfully suggest to you the problem is first couching the matter in terms of your identity and then couching it in psychology.
I, therefore, highly recommend you give Francis Schaeffer's
trilogy a read (if you have not already done so).
I make that recommendation because we live in a time when psychology is thought to define everything. His has progressed (or decayed, depending on one's point of view) through the centuries to gradually NOT define everything through a theocentric worldview. Regardless of one's religious orientation, everyone once thought in terms of God as the center of the universe. The theocentric worldview gradually became secularized and, due to the works of people like Darwin, Marx, Freud, Nietzsche, Hegel, Darby, Schweitzer, and Sartre, psychology gradually took the place of god-based religions, especially in the west. God was once deemed the center of the universe. Then Man became the center of the universe and now (since the mind is the center of the man) the mind has become the center of the universe. Then came postmodernism, and now we live in a post-postmodern world where everything and anything goes, there are no standards by which anything can be measured, and truth is relative well beyond the postmodernist point of view.
That applies to spirituality, too.
And it is the Spirit with which I will suggest you need to concern yourself, not (merely)psychology and identity (which has developed a meaning in recent years it never previously held).
Now, having said that..... you may feel some confusion about that matter of spirituality and the Spirit because you've experimented with some religious diversity. That's completely okay from one point of view because there is a certain knowledge and wisdom to be gained from diversity of thought and experience, you'll have some means of comparative measure, you'll better understand both orthodoxy and sin, and you may well gain a better grounding when you find the truth.
I once experimented with religious diversity, too. I was raised in a family where my mom was Roman Catholic, and my dad was Baptist. As a middle ground they took the kids to Episcopal churches, and I got all my bona fides (baptism, confirmation, etc.) in the Episcopal Church. When I got out of high school I left home and began exploring other faiths. I have worshipped in every version of religion on which I could lay my hands. I have had many sit-on-the-porch or sharing-cups-of-tea conversations with rabbis, imams, monks, and ministers. I did that for years. I've read the Tanakh, the Bible (from beginning to end in at least six different English translations, including the Jehovah Witness' NWT version). I've red the Book of Mormon, the Gita, the sutras, the book of the dead, and all the "great books" of religious faith. For a time, I found a landing place in Buddhism and was a practicing Buddhist for several years. In my mid-twenties I had a conversion experience in which I became a Christian but because I lacked structured guidance, instruction, and accountability I found myself a member of a "Christian" cult. I was there a year before I realized what they were teaching was not what the Bible says. So, I left and found a congregation that seemed to teach what I was reading in the Bible.
One of the things I recommend you asking yourself
and asking God is, "
Where did I find myself experiencing a change?" I say that even though I am not a big fan of religious experientialism. It leads to many problems, including the misguided belief religious/spiritual truth can be measured by anecdotal experience. Most religions are "creedal," which is to say the religious belief is learned through its creeds, or doctrinal statements. Christianity's Nicene Creed, Islam's Five Pillars and Buddhism's Four Noble Truths would be examples of this. Learn what a religion teaches but also remember truth should change our life. The day God rent the fabric of time and space and called me to believe is a day I cannot deny, nor can I forget it. If you haven't had that then you might spend less time in internet forums and more time on your knees asking God for guidance and change.
Lastly, I say all this as a psychologist (retired). I know a lot about human psychology. I've spent my entire adult life working in the field professionally and in lay capacity in various faith communities. I also know psychology does not have the answers. We've got all the questions, but comparatively few answers. As a Christian, I direct you to the Bible and no other religious text....... but I also believe 1) God will guide you if you ask sincerely, 2) you have liberty to choose as you like. I have degrees in social psychology, sociology, and counseling psychology. In my early years as an undergraduate I also studied philosophy, business, and computer science. Before that was a carpenter. Diversity of thought and experience can be a good thing. If a God exists, then He can and will use everything you've experienced for His purpose(s). That's a logical necessity.
Confusion is NOT His thing.
Therefore, I will respectfully suggest the current sensations of confusion, vacillation, disorientation, and instability is all you need to know to realize 1) it didn't come from God and 2) it is to God is where you need to return. The Schaeffer book is not an easy read but it will give you an overview of history's drift away from theocentrism and provide an understanding for the intellectual integrity of religion in general and Christianity in particular. Excerpts from the book can be found
HERE at Google Books. I think the book can also be found at Scribd, if you've got a subscription there. If you can find Appendix B, titled,
"Faith" Versus Faith, from either "
He is there and He is not silent" or the trilogy that may help a great deal.
