- Dec 13, 2015
- 5,339
- 4,344
- 38
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Calvinist
- Marital Status
- Married
First off I'd like to mention, I'm not afraid of hell or a horrifying afterlife. If I had ever went to hell I know that I would deserve to be there and that I would get the just punishment that I deserve. I'm not worried about that, I have solid confidence that I will enter glory when my final second on this world is up and God finally calls me home. I am afraid of the process. I like Sproul was for a while am afraid of the process of death. How will I die? Will I suffer? Will I die alone or will I have my wife by my side?
Two years ago I thought my final moments were up when I needed emergency surgery or the massive blood clot in my heart would go to my brain and would very likely kill me pretty instantly. I had almost tasted death and I have to tell you, I was terrified the entire time until they put me under. I was terrified when they told me that on top of having blood clots literally everywhere else there also was one in my heart. I was terrified on the ambulence ride from New York to New Jersey because New Jersey was the closest hospital I could go to that could do the surgery and had room to take me. I was terrified during the two day long wait before my surgery. I was terrified that the clot would go to my brain before they got to operate on me. I was terrified all the way and I was especially terrified when I was in the Surgery room and they were prepping me for surgery. I've told this story countless times on here because it's a great story so I won't bore you with the details. Just basically need to know that, I survived and God saved my life. (Duh or I wouldn't be talking to you today lol)
I have known nothing but suffering in my life so, i guess i should not be surprised that I will probably suffer when my final moments are up. This just terrifies me. I don't know what God has planned for me i can only take my life one day at a time. But I'm at the point in my life where I am just terrified of the entire process.
I want to be like Sproul was on his deathbed. He knew he was going to die and he knew that he would meet Jesus and according to what I've heard, he wasn't afraid anymore of death. I want to be like that. I want my last words to be meaningful like his were and give my wife some closure because odds are, I don't have much more time left in this world. I don't take care of myself, I weigh over 400 pounds, and I'm definitely at high risk of getting deadly blood clots again and I don't think God would save my life every single time. From the very moment I was born into this world God has saved my life. I was born blue (not breathing) for several minutes. Back in the 80s they didn't have the technology they do today to save a baby not breathing. They thought i wouldn't survive but they luckily got me breathing again. I suffered brain damage but, I'm alive (again, duh or I wouldn't be talking lol).
When I was about two years old I swallowed a penny and nearly suffocated to death. Had my sister not screamed and my mom not known what to do to get the penny out of my windpipe I wouldn't be talking to you today. God has saved my life probably countless times and more times than even I remember. But eventually my luck is going to run out a and it will be time. Probably sometime sooner than I expect.
I don't want my wife to miss me. I mean, she obviously is going to be sad if she was ever at my deathbed. But I want her to be encouraged that, I'm going to a fantastic and wonderful place. And one day, we will see each other again. I don't want to be afraid anymore and I don't want to have to be on my actual deathbed to actually stop being afraid. I know it's completely normal to be afraid of death but, I don't want to be afraid of it. Odds are I'm going to suffer and odds are I'm going to spend the entire time thanking God even until my last words on this earth.
Dunno what I'm trying to ask. Just, how do I get over this I guess? I don't want to be normal I want to be fearless and face my death like every other devoted child of God. Without fear and being glad that the suffering is finally going to stop. Dunno... probably just being a baby.
Two years ago I thought my final moments were up when I needed emergency surgery or the massive blood clot in my heart would go to my brain and would very likely kill me pretty instantly. I had almost tasted death and I have to tell you, I was terrified the entire time until they put me under. I was terrified when they told me that on top of having blood clots literally everywhere else there also was one in my heart. I was terrified on the ambulence ride from New York to New Jersey because New Jersey was the closest hospital I could go to that could do the surgery and had room to take me. I was terrified during the two day long wait before my surgery. I was terrified that the clot would go to my brain before they got to operate on me. I was terrified all the way and I was especially terrified when I was in the Surgery room and they were prepping me for surgery. I've told this story countless times on here because it's a great story so I won't bore you with the details. Just basically need to know that, I survived and God saved my life. (Duh or I wouldn't be talking to you today lol)
I have known nothing but suffering in my life so, i guess i should not be surprised that I will probably suffer when my final moments are up. This just terrifies me. I don't know what God has planned for me i can only take my life one day at a time. But I'm at the point in my life where I am just terrified of the entire process.
I want to be like Sproul was on his deathbed. He knew he was going to die and he knew that he would meet Jesus and according to what I've heard, he wasn't afraid anymore of death. I want to be like that. I want my last words to be meaningful like his were and give my wife some closure because odds are, I don't have much more time left in this world. I don't take care of myself, I weigh over 400 pounds, and I'm definitely at high risk of getting deadly blood clots again and I don't think God would save my life every single time. From the very moment I was born into this world God has saved my life. I was born blue (not breathing) for several minutes. Back in the 80s they didn't have the technology they do today to save a baby not breathing. They thought i wouldn't survive but they luckily got me breathing again. I suffered brain damage but, I'm alive (again, duh or I wouldn't be talking lol).
When I was about two years old I swallowed a penny and nearly suffocated to death. Had my sister not screamed and my mom not known what to do to get the penny out of my windpipe I wouldn't be talking to you today. God has saved my life probably countless times and more times than even I remember. But eventually my luck is going to run out a and it will be time. Probably sometime sooner than I expect.
I don't want my wife to miss me. I mean, she obviously is going to be sad if she was ever at my deathbed. But I want her to be encouraged that, I'm going to a fantastic and wonderful place. And one day, we will see each other again. I don't want to be afraid anymore and I don't want to have to be on my actual deathbed to actually stop being afraid. I know it's completely normal to be afraid of death but, I don't want to be afraid of it. Odds are I'm going to suffer and odds are I'm going to spend the entire time thanking God even until my last words on this earth.
Dunno what I'm trying to ask. Just, how do I get over this I guess? I don't want to be normal I want to be fearless and face my death like every other devoted child of God. Without fear and being glad that the suffering is finally going to stop. Dunno... probably just being a baby.