A bad place

Do you want prayers or advice or to commiserate? Life is hard. I have only found any success by continuing the fight. You sound hard on yourself. It’s not in the achieving but in the fighting that helps you gain ground. Not like islamists always fighting one another, but the spiritual battle. When getting frustrated I sometimes double down and have found more strength in Christ than I ever knew I had. Not to brag but our sufficiency is in Jesus. Kicking oneself for one’s failures hurts. You’re never going to be perfect so why try. Be in Christ and enjoy the ride.

Failure is miserable and it separates you from God. How will you succeed without Him. . Don’t sweat the small stuff. Repent and go on, learn and grow. God does allow chastisement. It’s a good thing.

Jet7 said:

I have lost my fight. My life has been a continuous spiritual attack and suffering struggle. I find my identity in Christ, but the enemy is always able to take it as I fail in obedience to God over and over. I wish I had never been born so I wouldn’t have to live in this torment of life. I’ve suffered from depression for 30 years over not being able to be the person God wants me to be. I have attempted suicide three times during this timeframe. Whatever God is trying to teach me in this blackness, I am just incapable of grasping. My foundation has collapsed and my hope is gone. The power of the Word feels dead to me.

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Are you weak; take it to Jesus. Are you a sinner, get down on your face before Him.
So you are pressuring yourself to be better? And you get angry when you fail and then depressed? Stop pressuring your self and let God slowly do the work. Worrying and fretting is not going to help. Go to church learn and grow. Read your Bible learn and grow. Witness to the unsaved learn and grow. That’s your purpose.

Jet7 said:

I have lost my fight. My life has been a continuous spiritual attack and suffering struggle. I find my identity in Christ, but the enemy is always able to take it as I fail in obedience to God over and over. I wish I had never been born so I wouldn’t have to live in this torment of life. I’ve suffered from depression for 30 years over not being able to be the person God wants me to be. I have attempted suicide three times during this timeframe. Whatever God is trying to teach me in this blackness, I am just incapable of grasping. My foundation has collapsed and my hope is gone. The power of the Word feels dead to me.

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I wish I knew exactly what to say but instead here is my best effort that is based on must a limited experience of knowing severely dark times. In my despair I read Lest Sumrall's "Demons the Answer Book." It spoke to me and get me started on a new path. I do not think that is for you, but all I can say is that God has not given up. I pray you find some teaching, help, medication or whatever thing (s) that can help lift you up. Some of us too have had trouble wondering about God's goodness. This is because we blame him for stuff that seems unjust. God is the solution and not the problem. So I pray too you get a breakthrough of some sort. I think it is wise to leave all the emotions into God's hands and just tell Him, you believe in Him but feel empty. I imagine you have done this many times but God is listening. I pray too you can find people that actually care about you and show God's love. I know that makes a huge difference. God bless!

Jet7 said:

I have lost my fight. My life has been a continuous spiritual attack and suffering struggle. I find my identity in Christ, but the enemy is always able to take it as I fail in obedience to God over and over. I wish I had never been born so I wouldn’t have to live in this torment of life. I’ve suffered from depression for 30 years over not being able to be the person God wants me to be. I have attempted suicide three times during this timeframe. Whatever God is trying to teach me in this blackness, I am just incapable of grasping. My foundation has collapsed and my hope is gone. The power of the Word feels dead to me.

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You are not alone there my friend. I know what that is like! I been a sufferer of anxiety and depression for almost 30 years....

Look, you have to be strong and remember that as you are carrying your cross in life, Jesus is indeed carrying you! Yes He is!! You are a believer. You pray to God. You are shouldering your cross!!!

Offer up your suffering to God, for others. Please, dont give up hope. Persevere in prayer, in faith, in love of God.

You are not alone my friend. Many of us are carrying heavy crosses. Rest assured God knows you and loves you. Lay all your struggles at His feet. Surrender all to Him.

Dont let the devil try and take you away from God because in reality he cant!

Whenever you fall, get right back up and run to the open arms of God. No matter how many times you fall!! God is love and mercy.

May God bless you, give you strength and guide you through this difficult time my friend...

Jet,

I just want to add with the others that I too can identify with you, and with the sheer frustration of enduring a seemingly incurable and persistent malady such as depression for so long. And for reaching the point of surrender to self-condemnation.

If you won't take offense, I would like to point out a potential inconsistency in your thinking though. You say that "Whatever God is trying to teach me in this blackness, I am just incapable of grasping".

Oh, really? And yet you follow that statement up with a keen Holy Spirit inspired declaration, "My foundation has collapsed and my hope is gone. The power of the Word feels dead to me."

Why do I suggest that this insight is inspired by the Holy Spirit? Because it agrees with what I consider, imho, to be the most profound revelation of the true source of depression found in Scripture:

Proverbs 12:13 NIV

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Friend, you've endured 30 years of deferred hope, but man I tell ya, endured it you have! That isn't faith? And who hasn't attempted suicide, or been strongly tempted toward it? There's a reason you and I failed even at that, because we really didn't want to.

So I advise you to ask yourself, what core longing isn't being fulfilled in your life? I suggest that you've already revealed it, that like me for the 40 years that I suffered crippling depression, I just couldn't measure up to the image I desired for myself - Super Christian.

Do you know how God rescued me from that? By teaching me to die daily to self, including that phantom image I wanted to be in my imagination. To go to His Word in prayer daily, so I could learn who HE really was and who HE says I really am.

Do you know who I am now? A man who is lead by a God who is infinitely patient, able to conquer my sin for me, one who trusts a broken vessel like me to be one of His Ambassadors, and motivates me through ENCOURAGEMENT instead of the whip.

And Jet, that's exactly who you are. You just need to embrace the reality by extending some doggone grace and mercy and compassion towards yourself - it's the only way to pass along the same to others, which happens to be His command, not a suggestion, to all of us Christ-bearers.

One more thing - don't fall for the enemy's lie that all your years of suffering have been for naught. God "turns ashes into garlands" and "restores the years eaten by the locust." I'll leave it to the Spirit to reveal how He does it so that your joy can be full between you and Him!

Daily prayer and Bible study, it's the key to everything else!

Always available to you here or via pm. We are all praying for you and know that you have friends in us. God bless!

Jet7 said:

I have lost my fight.

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God is always interested in restoring one who feels this way. Know the truth that everybody has gone through things similar but there comes a time one has to choose to lock into a way of thinking they're going to smash and break the difficult things they're going through by the word of God and thanking him for deliverance and having done all to stand they just keep standing and through faith and patience they inherit the promises. As for me I'm committed (although not perfect in this) and that is never and I mean NEVER allow the devil to have a smile letting him think even for a moment that he nor his kingdom is going to make me lose my joy....for the joy of the Lord is my strength.

Bobber said:

As for me I'm committed (although not perfect in this) and that is never and I mean NEVER allow the devil to have a smile letting him think even for a moment that he nor his kingdom is going to make me lose my joy....for the joy of the Lord is my strength.

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Amen, Bobber, Amen!

No you ain't gonna get it, you're never, never gonna get it!

a practical advice. I suffered from depression for years and started getting up little by little after changing my diet and lifestyle. I started to eat lots of salad, whole meat/chicken/fish, no bread, no sweets, no junk foods, no sweetened beverages. In addition to that some light excercise routine.

This will enable your body to function as God intended it to function and repair what is needed to repair. Try this and you may start feel more hopeful after a few weeks.

And of the topic of living according to God’s will: hang on to Jesus and His redemption. That is God’s will. We are not good, only God is good.

You will come out of this and you will have deep understanding of yourself and others in same condition. This i say in the name of Jesus.

Darkness has to come before the light

It has always been this way

Isaiah 53:3

He was a man of sorrows acquainted with grief

Regarding Job's questioning God about why all the sufferings:

"There may be evil and suffering in God’s good world that from one perspective may seem needless, tragic, and unjust. But from a wider vantage point, there may be a vast network of factors that make the same tragedy fit into a larger cause-effect pattern that brings about the saving of many lives. It’s impossible for any human to know such things or have such a perspective. This means all of our claims to evaluate God’s rule over human history are always limited, and will therefore fall short. I don’t have a wide enough vantage point to accuse God of incompetence, and I never will."

God’s Response to Job’s Questions About Suffering

joymercy said:

Regarding Job's questioning God about why all the sufferings:

"There may be evil and suffering in God’s good world that from one perspective may seem needless, tragic, and unjust. But from a wider vantage point, there may be a vast network of factors that make the same tragedy fit into a larger cause-effect pattern that brings about the saving of many lives. It’s impossible for any human to know such things or have such a perspective. This means all of our claims to evaluate God’s rule over human history are always limited, and will therefore fall short. I don’t have a wide enough vantage point to accuse God of incompetence, and I never will."

God’s Response to Job’s Questions About Suffering

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Amen! And wow, what a great read your link is. Hope you don't mind me quoting one bit of insight that really illuminated why God was pleased with Job despite his complaining:

"Even though Job drew hasty and wrong conclusions, God still approves of Job’s wrestling. God approves of how Job approached him honestly with all his emotion, only wanting to talk to God himself. God says that the right way to process through these issues is through the struggle of prayer. The book concludes with Job having his health, family, and wealth restored, not as a reward for good behavior, but simply as a generous gift from God. And that’s the end."

And yes, God never did give Job the reason for his suffering, did He? But he did illuminate enough of Who He is to warrant Job's faithful trust that God knows EXACTLY what He's doing, without need for our approval for how He operates.

AMEN and God bless!