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<blockquote data-quote="Tuur" data-source="post: 77497219" data-attributes="member: 445885"><p>It's interesting, but I think it might read better with more show than explanation. Mazurak isn't a regularly appearing character, there's little point in going into details. Assuming that the POV is Gregor Kyselo"</p><p></p><p>Gregor Kyselo turned to the corporal. "Get to your station"</p><p></p><p>The corporal saluted. "Yes, sir," and ran to obey.</p><p></p><p>Kyselo watched him a moment. <em>When did soldiers become so young?</em> Mazurak, that was his name. One of the new corporals hastily promoted since the start of the war fifty days ago.</p><p></p><p>My suggestion above is rough as sandpaper, but it's an illustration. From this point, Kyselo actually gives the orders instead of "Back in the truck, Officer Kyselo issued orders describing how to hold the Valrentian army at bay." Let the reader see what Kyselo orders, and how how the battle progresses. This, BTW, is where the fun in writing battle scenes comes from. It's also a great way to grab the reader's interest.</p><p></p><p>I wouldn't go into detail about the armaments at this point. If they would be completely unfamiliar with readers, a sentence long description might be in order, but any longer than that takes the reader out of the action. You want to fully immerse the reader here, let the reader see the battle through Kyselo's eyes.</p><p></p><p>In the confusion of battle, it would likely be hard for Kyselo to know that a bullet he fired killed the corporal. It would be better for him to wind Mazurak and to wonder if he had accidentally killed him. Or you could have him <em>know</em> that he killed the corporal Maybe he saw the corporal fall as soon as he fired the shot. Maybe the corporal blundered in the way as Kyselo pulled the trigger. Does Kyselo tell anyone? Does he keep that to himself?</p><p></p><p>What happens at that point depends on what sort of person Kyselo is. If he's companionate, it's going to haunt him, maybe through the entire story or novel. If Kyselo is callous, he won't give it a second thought. However, if he's companionate, he might recommend Mazurak for a medal, with an aid complimenting favorably on the decision. You could have Kyselo think <em>He's still dead, </em>or something along those lines. It all depends on how you want Kyselo to be.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tuur, post: 77497219, member: 445885"] It's interesting, but I think it might read better with more show than explanation. Mazurak isn't a regularly appearing character, there's little point in going into details. Assuming that the POV is Gregor Kyselo" Gregor Kyselo turned to the corporal. "Get to your station" The corporal saluted. "Yes, sir," and ran to obey. Kyselo watched him a moment. [I]When did soldiers become so young?[/I] Mazurak, that was his name. One of the new corporals hastily promoted since the start of the war fifty days ago. My suggestion above is rough as sandpaper, but it's an illustration. From this point, Kyselo actually gives the orders instead of "Back in the truck, Officer Kyselo issued orders describing how to hold the Valrentian army at bay." Let the reader see what Kyselo orders, and how how the battle progresses. This, BTW, is where the fun in writing battle scenes comes from. It's also a great way to grab the reader's interest. I wouldn't go into detail about the armaments at this point. If they would be completely unfamiliar with readers, a sentence long description might be in order, but any longer than that takes the reader out of the action. You want to fully immerse the reader here, let the reader see the battle through Kyselo's eyes. In the confusion of battle, it would likely be hard for Kyselo to know that a bullet he fired killed the corporal. It would be better for him to wind Mazurak and to wonder if he had accidentally killed him. Or you could have him [I]know[/I] that he killed the corporal Maybe he saw the corporal fall as soon as he fired the shot. Maybe the corporal blundered in the way as Kyselo pulled the trigger. Does Kyselo tell anyone? Does he keep that to himself? What happens at that point depends on what sort of person Kyselo is. If he's companionate, it's going to haunt him, maybe through the entire story or novel. If Kyselo is callous, he won't give it a second thought. However, if he's companionate, he might recommend Mazurak for a medal, with an aid complimenting favorably on the decision. You could have Kyselo think [I]He's still dead, [/I]or something along those lines. It all depends on how you want Kyselo to be. [/QUOTE]
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