Gregory95

At about 13 my life started to get dark, I never was one who could make friends or fit in. I started to have hatered and depression fill my mind . I had a dream, I was looking at a van driving down a deserted road, in the desert. My point of view was from the side afar off. I seen a face in the sky it wasn't clear, it was dark red. However I could tell it was a face, I heard this noise I can only discribe as a angry scream. Then felt a level of hate and evil that shook me . I bought a Bible and started trying to read the old testament , I fell off track before I got to the Gospel. I put the dream behind me and bought a copy of mein kamph. The ideology of national socialism took hold of me , molded my hatred . I became a radical believer in it, beliving all non white europeans were sub human. This lasted for a long time and I only got more radical. I started printing flyers at 14-15 and posting them up in my neighborhood. I posted a paper that read "thank God for concentration camps" in front of a Jewish hall. Until around 15 I would regularly put a loaded gun to my head, as I was void of hope. Begging to pull the trigger ,yet I never could. No matter how hard I tried, I simply couldn't. I also was active in skimming the Bible to find verses , I could pervert to fit my ideology. By around 20 my life had been reduced to nothing. The only woman I had ever been with and was with since 15. I found out was sleeping with my co worker, now my suicidal thoughts returned worse then ever. I turned to drugs and alcohol anything that would numb the me. Almost daily I would stand in front of my mirror with my pistol to my head, crying trying to once again end it. Yet I still couldn't, I hit rock bottom when my truck broke down, I had to walk 10 miles to and from work ,in the Missouri summer. I was at my true end. Then I felt a nudge. With nothing left , I reopened the Bible to the Gospel and for the
first time in my life, I started reading. Not to find something to use to advance my agenda, but to know what it truly said. My eyes were opened and heart softened, I found Christ. Truly He loves us. For a person who has never felt love, this was truly remarkable. I was hooked, I accepted Christ, denounced national socialism. I threw away my flags and books on it. I hit a stombling stone, I became legalistic however revelation led me out of it. Praise be to Christ! I am still far from where I should be, I truly am a sinful man. The Lord is faithful and is my rock, He is where my hope is. I have had a dream after being saved, there was a multitude of "people" ,evil radiated from them . They said they were ether coming for me or wanted me I don't remember. I do remember though ,I professed my faith in Christ, professed His rule over them, that they have already lost! A feeling of peace and safety fell on me, even in the face of this evil. My brothers and sister's our Lord is gracious and wonderful, beyond words !