Humorous Scriptures

[Dave Ulchers]

I found these online. Just click on the links! Post more if you've got them!


Good for letter writers:
Ezra 9:3,5 : In the reply to a Dear John... (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=Ezra+9%3A3%2C5+&version=NIV-IBS&showfn=yes&showxref=yes&language=english)
Galatians 6:11 : I is so smart! (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=Galatians+6%3A11+&version=NIV-IBS&showfn=yes&showxref=yes&language=english)
2 John 1:12 and 3 John 1:13-14 : Early Church form letters (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=2+John+1%3A12%2C++3+John+1%3A13-14+&version=NIV-IBS&showfn=yes&showxref=yes&language=english)

2 Corinthians 10:10 He seemed nice on-line.... (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=2+Corinthians+10%3A10+&version=NIV-IBS&showfn=yes&showxref=yes&language=english)


The weekend:
Genesis 24:64 : If she smoked, so can I! (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=GEN+24:64&language=english&version=KJV&showfn=on&showxref=on)
1 Timothy 5:23 : Aw, c'mon dude! It's the weekend... (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=1TIM+5:23&language=english&version=KJV&showfn=on&showxref=on)
Acts 28:15 : Hey, I thank God for even one tavern! (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=ACTS+28:15&language=english&version=KJV&showfn=on&showxref=on)
but the fun ends....
Proverbs 27:14 : don't you know I'm hung over?? (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=PROV+27:14&language=english&version=NASB&showfn=on&showxref=on)

Culinary advice:
Proverbs 1:12 : How to eat oysters (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=Proverbs+1%3A12+&language=english&version=KJV)
Hebrews 5:13 : Got Milk? For shame! (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=HEB+5:13&language=english&version=NIV&showfn=on&showxref=on)
Isaiah 28:8 : I knew I should have checked that resturant out before taking her there on our first date (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=Isaiah+28%3A8+&language=english&version=KJV) :(
Proverbs 28:25 : Well, maybe I've put on a few pounds (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=PROV+28:25&language=english&version=KJV&showfn=on&showxref=on)
Ezekiel 3:1-2 : Well, if the Lord says so, but Mom said it would spoil my appetite (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=Ezekiel+3%3A1-2+&language=english&version=KJV)

City life:
Isaiah 5:8 yeah, I think strips malls are ugly too (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=Isaiah+5%3A8+&language=english&version=KJV)
Acts 19:29 : I hope they had popcorn! (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=ACTS+19:29&language=english&version=RSV&showfn=on&showxref=on)
Joel 2:23 : and now on to our five day forecast... (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=Joel+2%3A23+&language=english&version=KJV)
Nahum 2:4 : We live in fast paced times. (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=nahum+2%3A4&language=english&version=DARBY)
2 Kings 9:20 : Jeru, Shmeru, you should see my Dad behind the wheel! (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=2KGS+9:20&language=english&version=RSV&showfn=on&showxref=on)


Dating advice:
1 Corinthians 7:9 : Nothing like marriage to cure passionate love (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=1+Corinthians+7%3A9+&language=english&version=RSV)
2 Corinthians 13:12; 1 Thessalonians 5:26 :Man, if Paul's gonna keep writing us like this, we really need to get women in here. (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=2+Corinthians+13%3A12%3B+1+Thessalonians+5%3A26+&language=english&version=RSV)
Isaiah 57:4 I don't care what you heard, we're just friends! (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=ISA+57:4&language=english&version=KJV&showfn=on&showxref=on)


The Truth is Out There:
Hebrews 11:34 : When Martians attack! (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=Hebrews+11%3A34+&language=english&version=KJV)
Ezekiel 1:4, 9, 12-15 : I get the idea Zeke, but what kind of mushrooms did you have with dinner? (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=Ezekiel+1%3A4%2C+9%2C+12-15+&language=english&version=KJV)

Miscellanious:

Galatians 3:13 : no monkeys going to heaven (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=GAL+3:13&language=english&version=RSV&showfn=on&showxref=on)
Galatians 4:10 : I love you Timex (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=Galatians+4%3A10+&language=english&version=KJV)
Ezekiel 7:12 : The Dow Jones down again today (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=Ezekiel+7%3A12+&language=english&version=RSV)
Acts 20 7:9 : Yeah, my pastor has talked people to death too. (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=ACTS+20:7-9&language=english&version=NASB&showfn=on&showxref=on)

And my favorite:
Matthew 24:25 : Didn't we just do this thread?? (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=Matthew+24%3A25+&language=english&version=KJV)

[Avila]

Okay, some of these are only moderately funny, but some of them are hilarious!!! It just goes to show you how Scripture can be twisted. ;)

My personaly favorites include Mark 14:51-52
51 And there followed him a certain young man, having a linen cloth cast about his naked body; and the young men laid hold on him:
52 And he left the linen cloth, and fled from them naked.

You better not fart! Here's your punishment:

Deuteronomy 28:31
Thine ox shall be slain before thine eyes, and thou shalt not eat thereof: thine *** shall be violently taken away from before thy face, and shall not be restored to thee: thy sheep shall be given unto thine enemies, and thou shalt have none to rescue them.

There is one other, but I can't find it. :( It's really funny, too!

[Me4him]

I found this one to be extremely funny, I know a few people to whom it applies.


Pr 26:16 The sluggard is wiser in his own conceit than seven men that can render a reason.

In other words, "they're not smart enough to know they are dumb". ;)

[patriarch]

This reminds me of the true story a priest friend of the family told us about a pastor friend of his who was building a new Church. He instructed the stone carver to engrave the quote from Mt. 21:3 on the cornerstone. The stone came engraved, "My house shall be called a house of prayer, but you have made it a den of thieves."

[Christi]

This one always cracks me up: Deuteronomy 25:11

If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.

Now, you know that situation had happened, for God to feel it necessary to make a law against it, right?